Username: suzyelf

Story Title (&link): The Pure Disguise Called Christmas

Main Characters (+pairings): Ravi, Leo, Hongbin

Genre(s): romance, slice of life

Current Length (No. of Chapters): 1

Rated?: no

Reviewer: Moony_Kat

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  3/5

The title is too wordy for my liking.  A long title doesn’t really drew the attention of the readers and so it could escape the search. If I were you, I’d change it to a shorter one, made out of one to two or three words.

Poster/Background; 3 /5

I don’t know if the poster is made by you or not since there is no watermark stating otherwise, so I won’t be too harsh on this section since not everyone is a born designer. The pictures match well with the chosen theme of the story, but their quality is bad. Even if you made the poster, you could have brought together better quality pictures and then it wouldn’t have been such a problem. I’m not a designer, but I know there are simple programs that allow you to use nice frames for posters you make (like photoscape or so).

Description & Foreword;  6/10

Your description is alright, not too long and not very short either. It did make me wonder about the content of your story, which is awesome!

A mistake a noticed: “Christmas was the Devil.”. This doesn’t make sense, so I would change it to: “Christmas turned out to be like a devil in disguise.”

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  4/5

There is no such thing as originality. How ever, I did find your story pretty original as it managed to take me by surprise and impress me pretty much.

Plot;  15/20

The plot was definitely matching the season of holidays. A cute incursion in the life of Ravi, Hongbin and Taekwoon. At points it was confusing, but that didn’t stop me from reading further and look for explanations which I found.

So, thumbs up for your plot!

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   7.5/15

Am I correct to say that English is not your first language? I spotted some big grammar mistakes that I’d like to point out so you can keep them in mind for the next story you’ll be writing :D The words written in bold red are the mistakes you’ve made, while the green version will be the corrected version:

“... was the first thing Ravi saw after he had opened his eyes from his deep slumber.”

“... was the first thing Ravi saw as soon as he opened his eyes” or “... was the first thing Ravi saw after waking up from his deep slumber.” (the second one would be more correct in terms of contextuality, but the first one is just as correct, grammatically sleeping)

“... him lying besides him.”

“... him not lying beside him/next to him.” (‘beside’ means ‘next to something/someone’; ‘besides’ is an adverb that can be replaced by ‘apart’)

“He must have been woken up a long time ago.”

“He must have woken up long before Ravi.” (your version of sentence makes no sense in the context as your phrasing implies that Hongbin was woken up by a third party)

“After Ravi had brushed his teeth, he did find Hongbin in the kitchen cooking eggs and humming to a Christmas tune.”

“After Ravi brushed his teeth, he did find Hongbin in the kitchen, cooking eggs and humming a Christmas tune/humming along with a Christmas tune.”

“... You know. To add some holiday cheer…”

“You know, to add some holiday cheer.” (don’t cut your sentences too short; it’s not natural)

“... would do on Christmas. We would admire the green and red lights at Han River. We would shop for presents in the heart of the city. We would bake a log cake and light a candle on top…”

“... should/will do on Christmas. we should/will admire…. we should/will shop… we would/will bake…” (‘would’ is used only when you express something that cannot/will not come true; it’s much more suitable to use ‘should’ - which indicates things they wish to do and are possible or ‘will’ - that expresses a 99% sure future)

“Do you think he would ask me out on Christmas?”

“Do you think he will ask me out on Christmas?”

“He should tell him that Ravi was the life of a party while Taekwoon was a party pooper, but he could not tell the shocking fact to his best friend.”

“Should Ravi tell him that while he was the life of the party, Taekwon was a party pooper? But how could he relay such shocking facts to his best friend.”

“Ravi gaped at him, “Why not? Can I still stay over if we sleep separately? Please?” He knew that he sounded pathetic, but he could not help it. He could not take away their only intimacy because of a guy he have just met. “It’s still unofficial with you and Taekwoon. He shouldn’t mind. And things might not work out-”

“Ravi gaped at him: “Why not? Can’t I stay over if we sleep separately? Please?” He knew that he was being pathetic, but he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t lose their last trance of intimacy over a guy Hongbin had just met. “It’s still not official with you and Taekwoon. He wouldn’t mind. And anyway, things might not work out-”

“Can you be happy for me?”

“Can’t you be happy for me?”

“The cold wind blown from…”

“The cold wind blowing from…” (the ‘-ing’ form of the verb indicates that the action is still taking place; it’s better to use the continuous form of the verb as these phenomena aren’t controlled by human power)

“... He did not expect the reason coming from Taekwoon was so philosophical…”

“... He didn’t expect Taekwoon’s explanation to be so philosophical...”

“They bickered a bit and Taekwoon was the one to give in.”

“They bickered a bit about them, but Taekwoon was the one to give in eventually.”

“... frosted…”

“... frozen…”

“I wish my boyfriend knows me as much as you know Hongbin.”

“I wish my boyfriend would know me as much as you know Hongbin.”

“I hate to beat the crap out of you.”

“I’d hate to beat the crap out of you.”

Characterization;  14 /15

I will take them one by one:

Ravi - I liked him, really! He’s a sweet confusion of feelings he has and wants to have, feelings which he deserts by the end. He’s a gentleman and even though he’s two faced as a best friend, I could resonate with him, which is a good thing.

Hongbin - I found him annoyingly superficial and too dense to observe what’s going on around him. And although I dislike him, he’s a good representative of this type of people.

Taekwoon - he’s awesome. Cold and distant and yet he acts upon his feelings. I found his confused feelings incredibly sweet. However, I think I would have liked him even more if he would have gave in to his instincts :)

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  5/5

Saw no problem with it.

Flow; 8 /10

The flow was too slow here and there, but I didn’t see major problems with it.

Writing Style (format + your style);  7/10

At points, your characters were too stiff and formal which made it hard to enjoy their conversations. Using shortened forms of verbs helps with the fluidization of the dialogues. Also, your word phrasing is a little bit weird here and there. And please be careful with the verbal tenses :)

Extra & Notes;

Sorry for being so harsh^^’

Total Score; ♡ 72.5 points