Username: entropy
Fanfiction name: Submissive Love
Story theme: romance
Story link: CLICK HERE

Reviewer:

Annie1017

Title/Banner/background: 2/3

I think your title is completely relevant to the story, and gives a good idea of the gist of the story, so I am giving you double points for it. I think you should think about getting a banner, although a background isn’t strict necessary.

Foreward/Description: 5.5/7

Your description completely drew me in, and I wanted to know more. It was nicely done, but I feel like it can be tightened up a bit, because it felt a little choppy.

Example: But one friend in particular stood out to Jonghyun; Key was different from any friend he’s ever had in every possible way. Key had Jonghyun wrapped around his finger, and Jonghyun was completely infatuated.

It doesn’t have to be like that, but this is just an example to introduce some more flow into it.

Foreward explains the title, and I’m okay with it…but…seems a little lacking.

Plot: 24.5/25

The plot is obviously still developing, but I see potential!

Plus, I’m not one to deduct for “not being original” because get real, this is the 21^st century. Nothing is original. All love stories are based off of others, whether it’s the rich guy/poor girl Cinderella story or the Romeo and Juliet like doomed relationship. Even those nerd girl/kingka or fan/celebrity stories are a play off of Cinderella is you think about it. The guy always has everything, and the girl is a nobody. Anyways, my rant is over.

I’ve read stories about manipulative relationships, and I welcome more, as long as they are well written.

Organization: 15/15

Your paragraphs are good lengths, and the story flow is good. Keep it up!

Characterization: 24/25

Your characters are consistent and lovely. I LOVE PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

You did a great job with Key’s character. He is controlling and manipulative, but still likable somehow. He has Jonghyun whipped x 100, and I’m curious as to the reason why Key feels the need for it. I also wonder what could happen if Jonghyun ever broke loose of the spell Key had over him, and what Key would do if he lost that control.

Since you’re only on chapter 3, I hope the rest of the story explores why Key does what he does more.

The relationship between Jonghyun and Key is also interesting. I am a bit confused about the position of Jonghyun’s uality though, and also Key’s. Neither of them seems to be openly gay even though they hold hands randomly, and Jonghyun has dirty dreams. I guess this will be further explained in later chapters

Also, make sure that it is always clear which “he/him” you are referring to. Sometimes it is good, but I’ve noticed places where I found it difficult to tell if “he/him” meant Jonghyun or Key, especially if it switched and includes both guys in the same sentence.

Grammar/Usage: 22/25

Minimal grammar problems, but I did notice some awkward usage. Before I even start pointing any of it out, I want to emphasize minimal. I’m just being picky, and it’s over all good.

Ch 1

“Succumb to key’s thoughts”- Jonghyun can’t really succumb to Key’s thoughts, and I think you meant more like succumb to Key’s whims.

“…and this thought that he hung off of Key’s every word preoccupied his thoughts often…”- Can you see how it’s awkward and redundant that you have “thought” and then “thoughts” in the same sentence? Maybe replace the first thought with “idea” or “notion” instead.

Ch 2

““Jjongie..how much do you need me?” Key whispered, bringing his hands up to Jonghyun’s face, holding it under his jawline, and with the ever so slightest touch, he tilted Jonghyun’s head up towards him.” –This is what my AP English teacher would call a parallel syntax error. Key whispered is the main subject/verb, therefore everything after it are causes. It should read: “….Key whispered, bringing his hands up to Jonghyun’s face, holding it under his jawline, and with the ever so slightest touch, tilting Jonghyun’s head up towards him.” The verbs in the clauses must be parallel like that…bringing, holding, tilting.

I noticed an issue with prepositions, but I’m not sure why you are making these.

“Eyes looking up to this slim boy…” – “to” should be “at”

“his eyes fixed at Key’s arms…” – “at” should be “on”

“With just that look of his face” – “of” should be “on”

“Jonghyun had quite a history of “those girls.”” –“of” should be “with”

“Just for a moment, Key was at mercy to Jonghyun”-Mercy is a noun, so “just for a moment, Key was at Jonghyun’s mercy.”

Other little things:

“He kissed Key with the emotions that had built up a well in himself and had no release until now.”-I think you meant a dam, not a well, because a dam holds water back, and the water rushes down river when the dam released. A well just doesn’t make any sense.

“The car that matched Key’s personality, his suggestive nature, his ability to insinuate himself into one’s heart until your very world revolves around him.”-This is a list of three or more so you need an “and” before his ability. I also don’t think you used the word insinuate correctly. Insinuate means to suggest, hint, or imply, which doesn’t make sense in context.

“Jonghyun wouldn’t risk anything for Key.” - The way that you have it worded means that Jonghyun isn’t willing to do anything for Key, and you mean the opposite. “Jonghyun wouldn’t risk Key for anything” or “Jonghyun was unwilling to risk his friendship with Key for anything.”

Minimal spelling mistakes, and I applaud you for distinguishing between breath and breathe

Total Score: 93/100

A J ßfirst A I’ve given so far!

Final thoughts

I loved your use of imagery! Such as….

“He shivered. The sudden sound of his own voice, usually gentle and calming, suddenly seemed cacophonous. His ears were caught off guard by the foreign sounding words, the stillness of the night having created a sort of buffer for any sounds.”

I’m subbed, and excited for you to continue this story! This a very promising start even if it is only a few chapters. Is it mean of me to actually want Jonghyun to break free of Key’s hold just to see what Key would do? Especially if the tables were suddenly turned and Key was addicted to Jonghyun…..kyaaaaa all the possibilities.