Username: Pizzalover
Story Title: Meet Him!
Main Characters (+pairings): Kim Hye Mi (OC), Jungkook & V (BTS)
Genre(s): Drama, Romance, Family
Current Length: n/a
Rated?: No.
Reviewer: KirbylovesToto
Note; check out their own place and the original review here.

 

 

 

 

 

Warning: A frank, somewhat harsh review ahead. I may sound merciless but this is just me, pointing all the flaws I had found. I am in no position to judge you as an author, but just merely judging your WORK.

As a reviewer, I am here to point out all the mistakes and correct them all for you. Please do not let my words to shatter you.

 

I am saying this because there have been a lot of, sorry for the word, butthurt authors who cannot accept criticism. I would like to settle it here:

 

There's a difference between hating and criticism. Reviewing is not easy, and if you have a weak heart, never request to a serious reviewer like me. You could approach those reviewers who give high grades with no reasons other than pity.

 

I hope I have made myself clear. Remember: No one is a bad author unless if he or she does not push him/herself to improve.

 

FIRST IMPRESSION

(TITLE)

 

Aside from your title is very uninteresting, it is also grammatically incorrect. It should have been “Meet Them!” Truth be told, “Meet Them!” is still an uninteresting title.

 

Him is only for one person, as opposed to 'Them' which is for two or more than one person. I know your title has this tactic style, but I am telling you right now: It does not work.

 

 

(DESCRIPTION)

 

Ah, the ever Seoul High school, at least in fanfiction world. (No, really, it's famous) I wonder if fanfic authors ever tried to research other schools in Seoul, because I'll wager that there are a lot of high schools in Seoul.

I am not saying that you are unaware or did not search enough, but all I am saying is: Why always Seoul High School? Can't there be any other school? And if not Hana, why it's always Hye Mi, the name of the main OC of a fanfic story? There's got to be a lot of names beside these.

 

And to be honest, your Description is not that eye-catchy. Yes, I know it's romcom, but still, there's got to be a “biting” Description.

 

(FOREWORD)

 

I seriously think that the notes and credits in your Description should be transferred into your foreword, because that is where they belonged to.

 

However, Foreword is not only for crediting the shops that have served you, nor only for your notes as an author.

 

Foreword is like a teaser of a movie. Teaser and trailer are different, please note that. Teaser is short, yet it should make you curious, it should make you excited. Foreword is there for a reason, use it.

 

Take some excerpt from your story, paste it on your foreword and voila! A lovely foreword. Just make sure it is a nice excerpt.

 

 

(5/12)

 

 

LANGUAGE

 

(SENTENCE STRUCTURE, GRAMMAR AND VOCAB)

 

Original:"Who's not tired for waking up so early for school?" you replied.

 

Correction: “Who won't be tired for waking up so early for school?” You replied.

 

'You' is pronoun and pronouns should always be capitalized.

 

Original:When the both of you arrives the school

Correction: When (omit 'the') both of you arrive at school

 

Please study subject-verb agreement, it will help you, I wager.

 

'Arrive' with an 's' as a verb is for a single person only. If there are two or more, remove the 's'.

 

'The' is for entitling, while 'at' is an answer for a small, specific location.

 

I've also noticed that you do have a problem maintaining one tense. Please search 'tenses'.

It should be note that you should stick to one tense. Is your story in past tense or present tense?

You cannot just switch from one tense to another tense in a snap. It is confusing, and it asking myself if this story has already happened, or is just happening before my eyes.

 

Original:It's too tired and one of the places you could sleep in school before class starts is the classroom.

Uh...what?

 

Correction: You're too tired, and one of the places you could sleep at school before classes start is your classroom.

 

To be honest, one of the most dreadful part of writing in second POV is that it sounds like a shopping list.

I mean, ugh. “You did this, you did that” It's annoying. Not trying to offend you or anything, but I do believe only expert or professional authors could handle this POV withouts sounding like a list. Unfortunately, there are only a few of them. I don't know why you chose this POV while it is pretty plain obvious you're having a problem with your grammar. Is it because it is the trend at AFF? If that is your reason, you've got to man up and decide for yourself.

 

I do believe that this story will be much better written in 1STPOV. At least, all the things the 'you' character will sound natural.

 

And do you know? 2NDPOV is used for UNNAMED characters? So why did you even bother to give your character a name? Anyways, I really think 1stPOV works here better.

 

Original:"Kr ing! Kring!" The school bell gives an alert.

 

Correction: Kring! Kring!

The bell is not a person, nor is a quote, so why there is a need to put quotation marks?

Besides, this is a weak way of writing how an alarm sounds. Yes, I know this is not a serious story, but writing lazily is also not an excuse.

 

I remember how fans of Frozen depended their beloved animated movie. They said it is meant for kids, no need to criticize it. Well, I do not accept that mere excuse. Just because it is meant for kids, does not give it a privilege to be a bad written story. How about Lion King? Mulan? Those are for kids too, but they do not have such a shallow plot and shallow characters.

 

Try other methods of writing how an alarm rings.

 

Also do remember that just because a character is mumbling or whispering, does not mean you have to italicize it. Just write 'you mumble'

And see? You slipped into past tense again. You really do have to study tenses.

 

'You' is always written in single plural style verb, which means every time 'you' do an action, there should be no 's'.

So “approaches” is wrong. It should be “approach”

 

Original: I can surely meets some hot Korean guys

 

Correction: I can surely meet some hot Korean guys.

 

 

And to be quite frank, if my teachers act like this, they would be reported and be kicked out from school. They could not act like excited teenagers. Especially the male teachers? 'captive those pretty girls'? That is a serious case in Korea, don't you know that? Did your protagonist eavesdropped and had heard them? Or these teachers blatantly said these? If it is the latter, I find it hard to believe.

 

 

Original:why not... if we join the program?

Huh? This is double negative. I know that double negative is getting a lot of hate and power at the same time. Some people use double negative to emphasize their point, but some double negatives just do not make sense. Just like yours.

 

Correction: Why if we join the program?

 

Original:"Huh? Joining the exchange student program? No way," you rejected her idea completely.

 

Correction: “Huh? Join the exchange student program? No way!” you shook your head.

 

The dialogue itself has already told us that 'you' do not like the idea (although, of course, we know the truth) so saying “you rejected her idea completely” is a big redundant. Remember this: Dialogues are there to let us, the readers, to picture the characters' thoughts and ideas. They are not just there to present words. They are there to present IDEAS...and REACTIONS!

 

And oh, I almost forgot:

 

Don't write like this: “A few days later. “ Hey Hyemi!”...etc.

Maybe this is a fanfiction, but if this were a published book, this would be called a novel. So nope. Don't write like a script writer. It is lazy. Think of yourself as a novelist. Have you read a novel with a transition like this? No, and you will never since editors will never allow that.

 

Perhaps you could have written: Few days later after you had heard the news, Hae Ra ran toward you...” blah blah. You know what I mean. Don't make your transition like a script.

 

Original: Hae Ra looks to her side and found Hye Mi sleeping soundly.

 

I am honestly puzzled of what tense you are aiming for. Is it past tense or present tense?

 

Anyway, whether you are aiming for past or present tense, this original entry of yours is wrong.

 

Correction: Hae Ra looked at her side and found Hye Mi sleeping soundly.

 

Original: Not only is her, almost the whole airplane is sleeping.

 

Uh....what?

 

Correction: Not only her, but a lot (it's kind of impossible for Hae Ra to know that the whole passengers are sleeping, unless she checks them all one by one, which will be creepy and frankly, stupid) of passengers were sleeping.

Original:  Every passenger onboard is enjoying their flights.”

 

Correction: Every passenger on board is enjoying their flight.”

 

Original: She focuses the camera onto the sleeping Hye Mi

 

Correction: She focuses the camera to the sleeping Hye Mi.

Unless you mean Hae Ra is moving and shoving the camera to Hye Mi's face, then perhaps you are right.

 

Original: She might kill me if she found out I am revealing her secrets

 

Correction: She might kill me if she finds out I am revealing her secrets.

 

Original: After almost an hour of flight, you (and Hae Ra) finally arrived Seoul

 

Correction: After almost an hour of flight, you and Hae Ra have finally arrived at Seoul.

 

Original:You walks to the shop and touches it.

 

Correction: You walk to the shop and touch the bear (because by “it” the sentence tells that you are touching the “shop”) and again, “you” is always presented as PLURAL.

 

Never ever, write “flashback” to indicate any flashback. It is lazy way of writing and it usually turns off a lot of readers. I know that this is romcom and should not be taken seriously, it should be taken lightly, but it does not excuse you from lazy writing. I know that this is only a fanfiction, but I am always taking things seriously.

 

If you want your readers to feel that you are sincere to them, make your work clear from indolent ways of writing.

 

Truthfully, this line: It reminded you about a bad memory in Korea that should have been buried deep in your heart, the main event to everything that happens now.

 

Is enough indication that your character is reminiscing her past. It was enough, and yet you did not stop. A good author knows when to stop.

 

Never spoon-feed your readers. They are not dumb, are they? Truthfully, I have felt hat you have thought I was some kind of stupid person who would not understand what you were trying to say, so you had this feeling to write “flashback” Guess what? It is not needed.

 

Original:A caring mother who always taking cares of you and showers you with love,

 

Correction: A caring mother who always takes care of you and showers you with love

 

I cannot edit all your mistakes. To be brutally honest, they're everywhere. Your ill-use of tense is at fault.

Please consider of studying grammar rules, especially the tenses.

Also, there are a lot of telling in here. Try to show instead of telling. It really ruins the flow of the story when the only thing I can read is telling. Do you know how it feels like being instructed what to feel? It's annoying, right? It's just as same as yours.

 

“You were sad and depressed...” This is the disadvantage of second POV. You are instructing the readers. But this kind of instruction is just obnoxious that I literally told to the screen to not tell me what to feel.

Since you're still not that good with English, why don't you try to write using 1STPOV? Be constant with it, don't switch POV. Or you can start with 3rdPOV omniscient. Personally, I really think 2ndPOV does not work for you.

For someone who has read numerous books, for someone who has enough knowledge about literature and grammar rules, this POV of yours is really bad, thus destroying your story. Another evidence is, you are inconsistent of your POV. How come we have known what's in Jungkook's mind when the story is still about “you” (us)?

 

Always trust your readers. I didn't like it when you told us to go back to chapter two to understand the conflict between the brother and sister. It has not been that long. We won't forget it, and we haven't had forgotten about it yet.

We're nor stupid.

 

You can find the rules on the internet. Try to search “grammar girl” and her quick and dirty tips. I assure you that her lessons are easy to learn and understand. Once you have mastered the tense rules, it will become easy for you.

 

And please, for the love of god, never interrupt your own story with your author's note. You want me to be honest with you? Nobody cares about what you think about Naeun being cute or what. You could have included that at the very bottom of the chapter, you know, when that chapter is already done? I'm sorry, but that's just how I see it.

Don't include Author's note at the middle of your story. It's just distracting and eye-rolling.

 

Also, please do not use emoticons. No matter what your genre is, it is a no-no.

 

Again with the P.O.V: You really didn't have to put 'Taehyung POV' since POV here has been useless. The point of views are scattered everywhere! 2NdPOV, 3rdPOV, and 1stPOV are all together, they are all mixed, and I feel so dizzy right now! Be LOYAL to one POV!

 

 

 

(0/28)

 

I am sorry for giving you a low score in this section. But like what you have already said yourself, your grammar is bad. BUT, of course you can't stay like that! Read more real books! Read more rules and yo will improve!

 

 

 

STORYLINE

 

Some of the aspects of your story is just quite impossible.

 

When your OC decided to commit suicide, at what age was that? You didn't tell us, and thus, I was assuming she was still five years old. Five years old do not think about killing themselves, you know? If that is not the case, what age? I don't know. Maybe you should provide information to us, right?

 

Another one: The students live in a big, luxury hotel? Student exchange program does not work like that. I know, because I have been an exchanged student before. No matter how rich the runner of the program, no one's in saned mind would have done what you did in your story. I mean, come on, I know this is a fic, but please put some realistic aspects in here.

 

I mean, sure yeah, the host will treat you nicely but not THIS nicely. If you were rich, you would not really spend that much. And why should the host spend that much when Seoul High School is a PUBLIC school? It's not an exclusive school! I think your story lacks research.

Another one I found unrealistic: Your OC is already in that “luxury” place, but she has no idea which school she's actually attending? Uhm...and another uhmmm...

 

Okay, as an exchange student, I KNOW which school I will be attending. You can't just go there without filling forms and documents!

 

And again, Seoul High is not place for rich kids. To be honest, most of us only care about keeping our grades high, even higher than our expectations.

 

Why am I getting this vibe that your character and every exchange students here are special snow flakes? They stayed at a “luxury” place, then boarded a “special” bus. Honestly, I had felt special too, but this is too much, just saying.

 

More so, Seoul High is not THAT big (as compared to what you described). Honestly, everything about your story is exaggeration. This could be viewed as being comedic approach, but no, I do not feel that vibe.

 

One more thing: Jessica Jung first spoke in English as a welcome greeting. Then she finished her greeting in Chinese? Huh? So, if there are Americans, English men, or Chinese people, should not someone translate Jessica's sentences? I mean, you can't expect an American to understand Chinese language. And what Chinese language are they using anyway? Mandarin? What? This story is seriously lacking.

 

As a person who is half Korean and had lived in Korea for a short time (still, I am living with a Korean mom and she had taught me Korean values) students are EXPECTED to behave. So when the girls squealed and started saying that “oppar” belongs to them, I arched my eyebrows I mean, no, you can't do that. Yeah, you're an exchange student, but imagine me a strict Korean saying this: “You're in our country now. Respect our culture, behave as we have told. You're in our school. You are wearing our uniform...” blah, blah. You know the rest. I feel like you got these ideas from Kdramas. Just because you have watched them, does not mean they really happen.

 

Good morning everyone. You all know that this assembly is hold to welcome the exchanged students from China so welcome to Seoul High~! Hope you enjoy your stay and studying here,” Kim Taehyung gives his speech there.

 

Okay, so now he has confirmed that all of them are from China, and I am assuming they all know Chinese language. So...why Jessica Jung had had to speak in English in the first place if she knows how to speak in Chinese fluently?

 

“You know, being there is like troubles. That’s the student council board hot guys seat. The president, vice president and the secretary always eat at that table. Most girls or preferable fangirls of theirs will occupy the rest of the spaces there to have the chance to be with them. You don’t know how charming they are, don’t you?” Naeun said.

This is another false. You got this kdramas, yes? Well, it's a false. I was a president too, and do you know how busy I was EVERY SINGLE DAY? Especially whenever there is a program? It's hard to find a free time, so most of the time, we take our lunch in our office. Sometimes we do works until night time. Being a president is not a joke. It is not a heaven life style wherein you will be surrounded by your fans. I had this tall, handsome vice president, but he was not surrounded by his fangirls since students are NOT allowed inside our office, except us, of course.

“Way too lucky Hye Mi,” Naeun said. “There’s once when I went to send the papers to the president, the fangirls pours me with mud waters, the president saw it and ask me to take some clothes from the infirmary,” she explains and blush a bit. “He’s so kind hearted.”

No, that's not being kind hearted. Okay, maybe, but only half. He saw what happened, and the only thing he did was to tell her to change clothes? As a president, I have the power to send that student to the principal and expel her or just teach her a lesson. And why on earth would I want to be with that kind of girl again? I just don't understand at all!

 

Every one seems to be “friends” instantly by just merely introducing each other. Just imagine this:

Kirby: Hi! I'm Zhen Zhi!

Fei: I'm Fei Wang.

Kirby: Great! We're now friends!

Fei: Excuse me? We haven't bonded yet, haven't talked for too long. We only just got to know--”

Kirby: Too late! We're friends now!

Just imagine that! It sounds impossible in fiction, just imagine it in real life.

So, she just returned his name tag and now she deserves...a reward? Why? It's just a name tag! Like:

Fei: Hey, weird girl. You dropped your I.D card. Here.

Kirby: Thanks! * drags Fei *

Fei: Where are you taking me?!

Kirby: You returned my card! Now you deserve an award!

Fei: Are you serious?! You could have just thanked me! You're really weird.

That's the normal reaction. I have this feeling you just write randomly without clear ideas what should happen in your story. I mean, everything is exaggerated, to the point Adventure Time seems more believable than your story.

And the reward is to meet the president? So? Did he even ask her if she'd like to meet him? I know you intended this scene to be the conflict and suspense, but it didn't work for me. Truthfully, these kdramas are lying to you. We, the heads of the student councils, are not specials. No, not at all. We are not exotic creatures.

Also, your cliff hangers do not surprise or excite me. They just feel like bland and something that have been cut off from a page. So sorry, but this is what I just think.

And then this brother of hers thinks he can have a new identification by pretending he does not know her? Either he thinks Hye Mi has a mentality of a three year old child or he's delusional. It does not work that way.

 

 

 

(0/35)

 

 

CHARACTERIZATION

 

I find Hae Ra quite a...selfish. Sorry for that. But what kind of a friend is she? Hye Mi has put it blandly that she still has personal problems that is still not settled. And all she said is: “Of course, but just please?”

I don't know about you, but if a friend of mine only thinks about herself, about what she wants and not what I want, I am gonna abandon that so called 'friendship' we shared. It is not cute. Hae Ra is not cute. She's selfish.

She knows the reason why her friend does not want to come; she should care, right? But no, Hae Ra only thinks “oh hey, it's been years! I must drag my best friend back to Korea and find out if she's all right! Oh wait! I am wrong!” I'm sorry, but I know you're trying to make her cute, but she's not. In fact, I hate her so much.

Maybe she would like her best friend to face her fears, but that's not as easy as she wants to think.

 

A little background here, since I am half Korean and I am surrounded by my Korean friends. Do you know what the foreigners hate about us? We are brutally honest (this is why I speak like this) So honest that a lot of foreigners think that we're s. But of course, not all of us are like that. But the point is, at the end of the day, a lot of us are straight to the point, no sugar-coating.

 

So when Naeun said she's worried her question might sound rude, I raised my eyebrows. Mostly, us, Koreans, do not ask for permission to tell what's on our mind. For example, if we think you're fat, we will say it. Some might do it with consideration, some might do it harshly. The point is, we are straight forward. Okay, I am just repeating myself here.

 

I am also having a hard time believing that her brother, who's a student council president is also a CEO. Do you know how hard it is to balance time? Do you know how busy a CEO is? Do you know how busy a student council president can be? And how old is her brother anyway? I am having this idea he is young. To be a CEO of a well-known company at THAT age is quite unbelievable. I know this is just fiction, but this is just too much.

 

I want to also ask you: Why do you have to complete Jacqueline's name every time her name appears? Is it because you want us to not forget she has an Asian blood? Well, frankly, your readers are not stupid, so you don't have to remind us every now and then what her last name is.

Okay, there are times you didn't complete her name, but at the first chapters, you did it. Once or twice is enough, but more than that is kind of too much.

 

“Hello my fellow students. Guess all of you have known me right? Never mind, once again, I am Miss Jessica Jung, your class teacher. Now I am arranging you all into the seats here.”

 

Uh...fellow students? But she's the class teacher. So, is she a student and a class teacher too at the same time? I'm just kidding! Smile! :) This review is getting too serious and I am sorry.

 

You look at the name tag and hold them firmly. Without thinking much, you throw the name tag right on his table. The whole table people turns and look at you.

 

First of all, this sentence is suffering from wrong use of subject-verb agreement, but I'll leave that task to you. You have to search about the grammar rules and learn.

Second of all: Hmm..those girls have the reason to be irritated with you. I mean, your OC just THREW the tag instead of giving it properly. Okay, maybe she's afraid of people, but she didn't have to be rude, you know? Okay, maybe that's just the part of her character's flaw. (And I know he has bumped into her, but still...)

I find Hye Mi's mood quite..unbalanced. One second, she is moody, another second she's “Oh hi!”

And I am like...why?

 

 

Your character, Hye Mi, is a passive character. She just has to walk around and BAM! There's the plot. She walks into the class, BAM (!!!!!) she hears the program for exchange students. Her best friend tells her to go to and BAM (!!!!!) she's in Korea! Someone bumps into her and BAM (!!!!) she gets to know the other characters. Jimin grabs her and BAM (!!!!) there's one of the conflicts.

Seriously (I am sorry for saying this) your Hye Mi is boring. Really boring. She has no will of her own. Yeah, she's kind of hard headed sometimes, and she has told the guys to let her go, but that is not what I mean. What I mean is, the other characters have more lives than her. She's being controlled. By who? YOU! The author!

As strange as it may sound, do not treat your characters as if they are dogs in a leash. No, just not. Let your characters be free. Let them grow. Let them GO! You will be surprised how much they can develop once you let them grow. I know it doesn't make sense now, but once you are used to writing, you will know. Remember, don't cage your characters.

Isn't quite creepy how Taehyung notices how pretty Hye Mi is? And her lips...wow. I had a sister and I have boy cousins, but I'd never  noticed of their lips. It's just..ugh..creepy! And he calls her sissy in his mind? Do you even know what 'sissy' means? Does he think she is a coward?

And so, Hye Mi and the other characters keep on insisting that Taehyun and Hye Mi look like each other but those 'bullies' did not notice that? Huh? And then they are like “let's be friends!” I just...don't understand anymore...

 

 

(0/20)

 

 

IMPACT ON REVIEWER

 

The story is everywhere...It is scattered. There is no real conflict in here. The conflict between Taehyung and Hye Mi? It does not give anything to the plot. You know what? I have no idea what the plot is about. It's like you have thought of things which the readers could be sorry about.

 

No, you must not do that. Background stories, conflicts, should advance the story. And to be honest, this does not feel like a story at all. The characters are all bland and none of them stayed in my mind. I mean, who are Naeun, Suzy, Hae Ra aside from being Hye Mi's friends? I think I forgot someone, forgot other characters, but I don't care about them since you made me not care about them.

 

I am really sorry for being too honest in here, but I want you to open your eyes and see how flawed your story is. No story is perfect, but please, don't throw random subplots. I honestly have no idea what is going on.

 

P.S: I did this review using mobile phone, so there might be erros here and there.

 

 

 

(0/5)

 

Total: 5/100