Username: sweetsonata

Story Title (&link): Candlelight

Main Characters (+pairings): Kray (Lay and Kris), Xiuhan (Xiumin and Luhan)

Genre(s): Angst and Drama

Current Length (No. of Chapters): Oneshot + Epilogue

Rated?: No

Reviewer: thelittleluhan

>> Part one; the beginning

Title; 4/5

Personally, the title caught my attention and I thought that it was very nice as a first impression. It felt vague but in a good way as it gave a sense of mystery to the story. Prior to reading the description I had no idea what the story would be about, although I did get the feeling that the story would revolve around an angst genre, just as you had written it for.

I really appreciated that the title linked to a metaphor which is a great thing to do as a writer. It adds depth to your story and helps your readers understand your content, however this metaphor was not carried out very well in the story itself, causing the title’s meaning to feel slightly disconnected.

Poster/Background; 4/5

The poster was beautifully done. It has all the appropriate characters displayed, and the colour scheme being a pale palette with gold tint gave off a feeling off heaven in a way, which I later found was indeed relevant to the story.

 A full mark was not given here because of the placement of the characters’ images. I know that you probably couldn’t have helped it but the poster kind of emphasizes that Luhan and Lay are the main characters when Minseok holds a larger role in the story than Luhan does. It’s just something I wanted to point out.

Description & Foreword; 5/5

Foreword not marked.

I gave full marks for the description because I felt that it didn’t spoil your story but it gave me the general idea of what your story entails. It also explained the title with the use of a metaphor which implied that a death was going to occur so that linked to the genres. It also shows the perspective the story will be told in and who the narrator is, so that’s a good warning for your readers.

>> The second part; the seam

Creativity/ Originality; 3/5

I wouldn’t call your story cliché or unique, but it is certainly something different thus why I gave you a halfway mark. I find that for angst stories it is usually a given that someone dies (due to disease or otherwise), or something bad happens and this or that can no longer continue, etc. Your story was similar except that the narrative was told in the point of view of the character who died, so that was certainly something different.

Plot; 10/20

Like I said before the plot isn’t anything cliché or unique, it’s kind of in between. I liked that you didn’t focus entirely on the romance of one pairing (which is a given since your story isn’t a romance), but instead focused on the platonic relationships between certain characters which I thought was nice for a change. Three out of your four characters were ill with some sort of disease adding meaning to your narrative, thus their deaths felt somewhat appropriate.

The epilogue was a nice addition because it explained the ending to the one-shot giving me at least some closure that Minseok’s going to be okay without Yixing and Luhan, and that Yixing is also doing fine up in heaven.

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar; 13/15

I don’t remember coming across any spelling or vocabulary mistakes, although I did spot some grammar mistakes and tenses that you need to look over. I felt that your story is primarily told in the past tense, however there were instances when you did mix up your tenses. Proofreading or getting someone to check over your work can help you with this.

Some examples are(+corrections):

“I obviously look very dejected for losing the chance to talk to him even more, so I asked for his number, and he gave me his, but due to my forgetfulness, I forgot to give him mine.”

I obviously looked very dejected for losing my chance to talk to him more so I asked for his number and he gave me his, but due to my forgetfulness I didn’t give him mine.

Characterization; 10/15

Yixing as your character felt very sincere and kind despite his struggles and I think you did a very good job at showing these traits through the letters he wrote to Minseok and through the things he said to Luhan and Kris. He also sounds very wise and genuinely cares about other people. But one thing that got me a bit confused was how hung up Yixing was after he met Kris. His feelings felt rushed especially since they only met once. I felt that in order to justify Yixing’s feelings, more development in their relationship was needed. Other than that, I think you wrote his character well.

As for the other characters, I liked them but I think their personalities weren’t elaborated enough to properly judge how you wrote them.

>> Part three; the little things

Chapter Titles; -/5

Not marked as there were none.

Flow; 7/10

Your story had an alright flow, it wasn’t too slow and it wasn’t too fast either as a whole. Although, there were moments where I thought the story was moving too quickly.

Writing Style (format + your style); 7/10

Your writing style feels very personal. You added in a lot of the characters’ thoughts which made me feel like I personally understood them. One thing I’d advise you to do is to pay attention to the content of your paragraphs. I found one particular paragraph where I felt like the initial track or subject of it was lost somewhere along the way.

Paragraph I’m talking about: “On my way to my annual monthly checkup, I saw this guy who sat in the corner, listening to music with his earphones on. He was wearing his sunglasses, which at first, was unusual for me to see, since we were indoors with the blinds shut…..” and so on.

See, at the beginning of this paragraph you’re talking about this guy and your main character is very interested in him but then you go off into this long narration about life and it just feels really disconnected from the initial subject of the story. I’m not saying you should cut the life narration but just maybe relate it more to the person Yixing’s interested in, because this can cause confusion and kind of disrupts your flow.

Extra & Notes (+5);

All in all I did enjoy your work ^_^

Total Score; 68/95