Username: myungyagyu
Story Title (&link): lawyer+private investigator=Love
Main Characters (+pairings): Sehun, Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, Kim Ahra (oc)
Featuring: -----
Genre(s): Romance, marriage, drama
Current Length (No. of Chapters): 8
Rated?: No
Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl



_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  5/5
It's a bit messy, since it's all stuffed together. It could be "Lawyer + Private Investigator = Love" or even shorted the Private Investigator to P.I. (which is what people usually refer to it to, but not everyone does). The result though... it's just seems cluttered and too... squished together. But it's different I like how that is.


Poster/Background;  0/5
    The pictures would be fine, but it's got too much color put in to it, and the heart on top (which covers a good portion in pink) is messy, as well as the highlighting of blue in the background. It may represent the three leads, but the colors are too distracting and make it seem... boring and like I want to overlook it.

Description & Foreword;  4/10
   The description has the characters saying a line (which are a bit cliched), and then a little line about their thoughts, featuring a "secret and unknown" person talking,too, but I'm assuming it's Sehun since his tag is featured? 
    But the description gives the vibe of "cliche" and "overused" but it has three, almost four, different leads and maybe a good twist if the characters play it out well and the characters are different than the lines display. Otherwise, I'm expecting another "you should love me" story with drama and whatnot, so that could be an overlooking feature that draws people out of this story. 

FOREWORD: 
    "Not all people blind towards love." is actually grammatically incorrect. "Not all people are blind with love." Or even just adding are before 'blind' in the sentence will work just fine. 
"Kyungsoo needs something to make him distracted from the world of love. Ah Ra needs something to make people attracted to the world of love. Baekhyun needs something to make people become trapped in his unpredictable love. ????? (needs to be changed; maybe Mystery Guy/Character) needs something to make Ahra never leave him. But, each of  them keep something in order to protect themselves. What if Ahra and Kyungsoo live together under the same roof and marry without love?" This is all fine, but I corrected words in bold, and the (( )) has a note for you. The Foreword part is actually fine, but it doesn't necessarily draw me in. It makes me wonder about Ahra and Kyungsoo, and the characters and their intentions, but it needs some extra unf to make someone go "yes! let's read this!" more-so. 

    Now, for the character charts listed just below that. I think the order it fine, but don't put Ahra is keeping a secret from Kyungsoo so openly. You can address that in the story, but so upfront in the Foreword isn't the best. I mean... if this had extra emphasis for this story above, maybe? I just feel like there's no point to add that to her description. Add something about her or whatever, along with her long list of siblings (which I need explanation for that, haha.) 
   Do Kyungsoo, the lawyer. Small description, seems fine. 
   "Loves Ahra." And I feel sure, add it here that Baekhyun has a secret, but I think we can assume his secret involves Ahra. And all this fits together to be so predictable. And that makes it too obvious. So there needs to be a lot of twists or something extra to make this story worthwhile. 
 

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  5/5
    Although not the most original, I found a lot of points in this story I really liked, but they were so vague and not addressed properly, so I became disappointed. For the marriage, I felt there needs to be a buildup or there needs to be more detail in the first chapter. Because bringing up the marriage, saying Baekhyun is a friend of his, yet he says that Kyungsoo ruined his case, knows Jongin's whereabouts, and that he needs a wife and Kyungsoo acts very harsh... so much in such a tiny chapter, and pushing it all together takes skill. You need more detail present with all that information because otherwise, my head hurts from it... But what you're aiming for with all the turns and decisions... I love it, truly! Just... work on the pace and detail.

Plot;  7/20
     I am confused. I supposed that this was going to focus around Kyungsoo and Ahra, with drama, but you threw in so much at once that we get lost. And lack of detail, plus the mixups in characterization and lack of surroundings, we get lost and it's such a confusion of things... The elements are there but there is no buildup, lack of pacing, and more.

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   7/15
    I saw a lot of spelling mistakes, but mainly in the grammar category. "I wonder what Baekhyun's intentions are for wanting to meet me." Is just the second sentence, and it's evalutated with mistakes. But don't worry, there are hundreds of stories on AFF like that. And it's okay, but it's a point. 
    Grammar is your biggest issue, and I'd suggest either research and bettering up on grammatical skills, or getting a Beta reader. Which isn't hard to find, asking around. ^^ Having a friend do it is cool, too, and you can always ask their personal opinion. But... work on grammar, the mistakes, and what you put in to the story and leave out.
   


Characterization;   4/15
    Ahra gives off this sense of taking control, being stubborn, and holding back. Which are traits I see in a lot of lead girls. So, I really want to see some differences about her showing up. She's got the overused practical sense of being almost 'blind' to the word and showing no common sense, which is another thing a lot of authors use on lead girls on AFF. Also, when calling her, either put Ahra, Ah Ra, or something and keep it like that. Don't change up her spelling of her name when speaking about her, but you can if someone is addressing her.
    Same thing goes for D.O/Kyungsoo, Baekhyun, and whoever else appears in the story. Use one name to call them and then that same name or another when being addressed. 
    Kyungsoo, though, is cold? I like if it's extremely awful, like I see, but if he becomes very squishy and sweet, I'll leave. Because that's another stereotype overused and I'd hate to see this turn out like all those others lost in the thousands of files of stories here. 
    Baekhyun seems weird, sneaky, and two-faced. Which I love it. Buuut... if he's in love with Ahra, and he's all sweet to her, to me, I expect the weird "I'm friends with Kyungsoo but I am this and that and whatnot" and would like to see maybe a twist on him? Or one of the others.
    And then there's the mystery guy... which appears and does stir some things up, but all of the characters get smushed together and I can't tell who's who or what's going on. If you want proper love or hatred towards characters, make them their own person and design them and show us feelings or moments to show us who they are.
    The characterization is a mess here and though I like the idea of some characters, I get utterly confused. 
    
 

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  2/5
"Love" is the favored word here, and I assume it can fit, but maybe something else. But this leads me to believe Kyungsoo and Ahra will be in love in the end. But since it goes with the title, I'll give points for the theme.


Flow;  1/10
    So much lack of flow here. We move like the speed of light thorugh days and weeks and it's so hard to focus and realize where the Hell we actually are. And that's also a lack of detailing your story. When that happens, we move too fast - that's a problem. And I feel you need to work on this specific skill of pacing and detailing your story better.

Writing Style (format + your style);  5/10
    I truly adore the ideas you're trying to display in this story, and the idea of the two opposites (and their titles) being "married" and her spying on him is typical, but interesting. So, I give you many props for the ideas and how you approached this, but there is a lot of work needed and especially so for more views and people coming to see the brilliance hidden and taken from this story. Work on grammar, pacing, and  ADD DETAILS. 
 

Extra & Notes; (+5)
Like I stated on the last section, I love your approach and ideas, but there is a lot of things missing and I hope to see improvement on that. ^^ Keep writing, lovely~ Just remember my words. 




Total Score; 45 ♡