A New Neighbor - EIBBB_KPOP

Username: EIBBB_KPOP

Story title (&link) A New Neighbour

Main Characters (+pairings) Luhan and Xiumin (XiuHan)

Genre(s):Romance

Current Length (No. of Chapters): Oneshot

Rated: No

Reviewer: KirbylovesToto

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title 3 /5
Your title can be in any genre. In fact, I was imagining a mystery story, about a new neighbor who has questionable lifestyle. Anyway, your title is straight to the point, just being honest.

Originality wise, your story title is very common. It kinda looks like a short story in an elementary textbook.

Plot wise, it is relevant to your story and plays the role throughout the story.

Poster/Background 0/5
No poster or background. I know a lot of users in here say that posters and background are not needed. If you are a good writer, people would read your story.

Although I respect their opinions, I would like to differ, and here are my reasons.

Let us be honest here, it is natural for humans to judge things by first glance.

Look at the beautiful covers of books nowadays. Why did the publishers make them beautiful? So people would be curious and buy their books! They would not spend a damn time designing the covers, if humans are not naturally judgmental. Everybody is guilty about this, right?

Bookcover is art.

First impression last forever. This is true and will remain true for the rest of our lives.

Well, I am not telling you to get a poster, but a poster will definitely attract readers.

Description and Foreword 5/10
Description:

I want you to grab a novel, any English novel. Look at its back. It has more than one sentence. It tells you what will be the story about. Descriptionshould attract the readers, something that will make curious, something that will make you excited to read what this story is about. It's supposed to be mysterious too. A good description is like a hand that will never let you go. A Description is like a door to the new world, a.k.a, your story.

But what if your description, let's say, not that attractive? Do you think a lot of readers would want to open the door of your world? You see, Description plays a BIG role.

For your description, it did not really interest me. When I read yours, I was like, “Oh...okay..” You tried to be a little bit mysterious, but it did not work for me. It's an obvious trap, why would I fall for it?

Foreword:
You don't have a foreword...Surprising. Seriously, I don't know how many times I will say this, and I wish there would come a time, people at AFF would see the importance of Foreword. Personally, I think most of us think Foreword is useless. Well, it is not . It is there for a reason. Jason did not create foreword in any story just because he wanted to. He thought it was important, and so...why not use it for good?

Most of the authors here, think foreword is just the place for their author's note, crediting a shop, etc.

But it is not! I will tell this again and again—foreword is like a movie teaser. You must tease the reader what they will be expecting from your story.

Okay, think of a recent flick you have watched. Before the main show, there would be teasers or trailers, am I right?

These teasers and trailers excite you, make you question, what is the movie's story about?

Well, you have some ideas here and there, but they won't give the full details to you.

To cut it short: Think of the foreword as a movie trailer or teaser. It will help to attract readers.

_______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦_______________

Creativity and Originality 2/5
A new neighbor is very common, and although I know that this story is romance and fluff, and is only oneshot, I was expecting for something of your own. The story ends when Luhan steps in and drags him in the kitchen.

There was no scene which made me smile. I felt like I was just reading a long text message, telling me how was his/her day.

Plot 12/20
Like what I have said, the story ends when Luhan is dragged by Xiumin to the kitchen.

I know you want the story to end just right there, to leave the rest to the readers; imaginations, but it does not feel like that. It feels there's a lot missing in your story. And although I know Xiumin finds Luhan amusing, even if we never read what is on his mind, I still want to know what he really thinks about Luhan.

Do you know this empty feeling? That is what your story has given me.

Imagine this: You gave me a slice of pie. I am enjoying it. I am not done yet, but you take it away from me.

Do you understand what I am saying? It really feels just like that.

Spelling, Vocab, Grammar 09/15

Original:Instead of standing up, Luhan dragged his body with his arms instead and made his way across the floor, just managing to reach up and turning the doorknob when sleepiness won and he flopped to the floor.

Correction: Instead of standing up, Luhan dragged his body using his arms (omit the extra 'instead'. Put a comma between 'arms' and 'and') made his way across the floor. He managed to reach up and turn the doorknob, but sleepiness won as he flopped to the floor.

FANBOYS is a handy mnemonic device for remembering the coordinating conjunctions: For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So. These words function as connectors. They can connect words, phrases, and clauses.

Also, avoid using run-on sentences, unless your story is mystery or action, where actions should keep on happening.

I also recommend you to study subject-verb agreement.

Original: Luhan shot up instantly

Correction: Luhan shot up (omit 'instantly' since shot up is a verb which means 'To do quickly, instantly')

Or better yet, “Luhan stood up immediately'. Sometimes common words are much better to use.

Original:"I slept late last night." He explained but winced when he realised that he had not yet brushed his teeth and there was the horrible morning breath.

Correction: “I slept late last night,” he explained, but winced when he realized he had not yet brushed his teeth, and there was a horrible morning breath.

Explanation: Use a comma between the dialogue and the tag line (the words used to identify the speaker: "he said/she said"

Also, remember the FANBOYS. It's “realized” and not “realised” since you used American English for the first parts of your story. You can't just throw British English without any reasons.

Original: He was prepared for the look of disgust and for the boy to walk away but instead, the boy only smiled wider and stuck a hand out.

Correction: He was prepared for the look of disgust and for the boy to walk away, but instead the boy only smiled wider and stuck out his hand.

(wrong use of a comma)

Original:He was taken away by the voice of Xiumin's, it was just like an angel.

Correction: He was taken aback by Xiumin's voice. It was just like an angel's.

The subject in here is Xiumin's voice, not Xiumin himself.

Original:"It's no problem, I'm sorry that I'm greeting you like this, I wasn't prepared." He apologized.

Correction: “It's no problem, I'm sorry I'm greeting you like this. I wasn't prepared,” he apologized.

Most new writers tend to use 'that' a lot, when it is not really needed most of the time.

Another one, the dialogue shows the speaker is apologizing so why did you have to put 'he apologized'?

It's kind of a redundant, don't you think? Perhaps you could have written “he smiled shyly” so readers would have a picture of an apologizing person. This method is called 'show, don't tell'

Original:Luhan likes to think that it was because Xiumin needed to unpack immediately and not because Luhan had scared him off.

Correction: Luhan would like to think Xiumin needed to unpack, and not because he had scared him off.

The whole story is in past tense, do not include present tense all of a sudden. And like I have said, 'that' is not needed most of the time.

Original:Luhan stepped out of the bathroom and slipped on his clothes, grabbing his wallet.

This gave me an impression that Luhan is slipping on his clothes, while grabbing his wallet.

Is that what you mean? Well, if not, here is my correction:

Correction: Luhan stepped out of the bathroom; slipped on his clothes; and grabbed his wallet.

Original:Think Luhan, think! Say something before he thinks you are weird. Or maybe he already think you are...

Correction: (Entire sentence should be italicized since Luhan is thinking) Think Luhan, think! Say something before he thinks you are weird. Or maybe he already thinks you are...

Original:Xiumin let out a laugh and Luhan melts into a puddle of goo

Correction: Xiumin let out a laugh, and Luhan felt like he just melted into a puddle of goo.

Since you did not use simile properly, I got the image Luhan literally melted into a puddle of goo.

Original:Luhan says a little bit too enthusiastically and he grabbed the plastic bags and bounded in.

Correction: Luhan said (stop jumping from one tense to another tense. Make up your mind) a little bit too enthusiastically, as he grabbed the plastic bags and bounded in.

Original:He's in Xiumin's house! He can get to see how Xiumin lives and what he eats and how he sleeps and what he does during his free time! But wait- Xiumin still needs to unpack his stuff so he won't get to see what Xiumin have with him but it's okay because he's with Xiumin right now and all he needs is just that.

Entire paragraph is in present tense which is really wrong, since you used past tense for the first parts. Hence, this entire paragraph is wrong.

And the rest of your story is in present tense..Which is really wrong.

Overall: Spelling is fine. Grammar is a little bit off since you do not know how to use commas, and tenses tend to change. The vocabs are simple, which is fine, since this story does not need deep words. I deducted a big mark from your grade in this section since sticking to one tense is very important.

Characterization 10/15
Is this really a oneshot? It feels a lot shorter than oneshot. And although I find Luhan's character amusing, I think some of his actions are exaggerated. Specially the first scene wherein he's too sleepy. I think you took it from a scene of a drama show. I forgot the title, but I know it was there. Not saying you really took it, but it really reminds me of that drama. Anyway, to cut it short: Luhan is overreacting. Either he is amusing or irritating, it is up to the readers.

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles 3 /5
The chapter is relevant, though not that exciting. Yes, this is just a chapter title, but I was kind of expecting a cute chapter title, since this is fluff (is it? It gives me a fluffy feeling, so yeah)

Flow /10
This sentence: Luhan stepped out of the bathroom and slipped on his clothes, grabbing his wallet.

It happened after Xiumin left, and then we have Luhan who stepped out of the bathroom.

It's kind of rushed since you did not state Luhan went to the bathroom first.

Other than that, I feel like Luhan 's attraction toward Xiumin feels too rushed, feels too fast.

Yes, Xiumin is cute and all, but the way Luhan thins for the rest of story, is kind of funny but odd.

Anyway, romance and fluff are not my cup of tea, so maybe I am just expecting a little bit of this and that, before I see Luhan falling for still such a stranger.

Writing style (format + your style) /10
I am glad your format is clean, easy to read and does not have these various colors and glitters. I feel like vomiting every time I see glitters in any fanfic. Argh.