Title/Banner/background: 1.5/3

Title is vague and a little cliché, but interesting.

No banner-Pandromeda also has a graphics shop with talented artists, go request one there!

I don’t mind no backgrounds, since there is no distraction from the story, but you can also go request one from the graphics shop.

Forward/Descrption: 3/7

It’s best if you can do a small summery of your story, without giving details, in your description box. It’s the first thing a reader sees, so you need something that draws their attention and keeps it. What you have now can be added to the bottom or preferable even not at all. The forward was good, and made me curious to read more, but the spacing is totally uncomfortable.

Plot: 19.5/25

I liked the overall idea. Amnesia is usually super overrated, but I like how you didn’t play into it too much. Now, Rin is a supermodel, and Joon and Mir are famous. The possible plots/endings are endless, and it’ll be easy to be creative with that even though this plot isn’t very original. I don’t have any big problems with the plot, but the deliverance can definitely be clearer and tighter. It’s a little hard to tell where you are going with this story for now, other than the obvious love triangle.

Organization: 8/15

The pace is decent. The beginning was starting to get too slow, but you jumped the 13 years at a good time. I personally think you jump between different POV a little too much, and it would be better if you developed each one more before changing.

Spacing between each paragraph is completely weird and random. I’m not looking for a certain number of spaces, just consistency.

Also, you used dialogue for everything, which isn’t necessary. Since your story is written in first person, instead of having your characters speak everything out loud, you can just write it as their thoughts. Rin talks to herself all the time, which should not happen. Between spoken dialogues, include some narration as well.

In chapter 7, when you are writing from Rina’s POV, you cannot do the manager’s inner thoughts, so matter how you distinguish it. You are Rina when you write those words, and unless Rina is a psychic, she needs to stick to her own thoughts.

Some chapters are in 3^rd person, others are in first person. Sometimes, like in Chapter 7, you don’t even say whose point of view it is and just jump in. It would be nice if you figure out a system to distinguish the two, or only stick to 3^rd person or first person POVs.

By including “LOL” in the story, it’s being rather unprofessional.

I really don’t like the “click click clicks” and “ring ring rings” and “ding ding dongs”, and all the other noises you have. There are better ways to describe the bell ringing, or the alarm clock going off.

Characterization 14/25

It’s rather strange, since this story starts in first grade. The characters don’t act like it, at all. First graders wouldn’t say “you look gorgeous”, they would go with “pretty”. Also, they would never use “insolent” in chapter one. You can use these words as narration, but not as spoken dialogue for first graders.

Two hours studying for homework? In first grade? Never.

In chapter 6, you have Rina cooking. While the picture of the food make me super hungry <3 first graders are 6 years old, and can’t cook or even reach the stove.

Also, maybe you didn’t know this, but girls don’t call guys “hyung”. Only guys call each other that. In ch. 11 and onwards, when Rain told Rina to call him hyung, it should be “oppa”. This is actually a pretty major mistake.

Most of the points that you lost are from the first few chapters. After the 13 year jump, the characters got A LOT better and more consistent.

Grammar/Usage 12/25

In spoken dialogue, the period or comma needs to come before the end quotation. If after the dialogue, you want to have “said Rina”, then use a comma. If another complete sentences starts after, use a period.

Example:

“I can’t believe you said that to me,” said Rina.

“I can’t believe you said that to me.” Rina glared at the other boy, and crossed her arms in annoyance.

Ch. 3 “When she reached the playground she was shocked by what she seen!” It should be “When she reached the playground, she was shocked by what she saw.”

Ch. 14 “I hold Mir’s arm and dragged him to a different direction” should be “I held Mir’s arm and dragged him in a different direction”.

Past tense should be consistent in these cases. Also, you change tense between chapters as well, which should not happen.

We’re is the contraction for “we are”, not were. Coz is not a word. It should be because, or ‘cause, used informally. Clothes are what you wear, not clothe.

Total: 58/100

Final

English is not your first language, right? It's fairly obvious, so I tried to go easy. I think your biggest problem is with grammar and usage. Consider maybe getting an editor, someone who can go through and fix the mistakes.

I am a Nazi for consistency in characterization and grammar, so those are the two things that I really had problems with. The younger Rina is completely out of character and unrealistic, as I have mentioned above.

The good thing is, as I went through the chapters, I felt like you were improving. That is a goodthing! The wording got better, the characters got better, and there was overall improvement in plot and pace. I hope you can continue that by taking my advice in mind, and requesting more reviews to learn more from other writers.