Username: khs_imagines

Story Title (&link): Revenge (Rise of the Fallen)

Main Characters (+pairings): Jessica, Kris, Sulli, SM Idols

Genre(s): fluff

Current Length (No. of Chapters):4

Rated?: No.

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

Note: ---

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title; 5/5

I actually really like the title. For me, it reminds me of something more intense and war-like, but it actually pertains to the story because it’s literally the rise of the fallen from SM. And revenge is what they do. I love it.  

Poster/Background;  2/5

I hate to be naggy about this, because I love the pictures used and I like the colors, but the smoke (or whatever you call it) is messing up Jessica’s face and I think the pink and blue sticks out a bit since it has the most color in the poster. I think without it and maybe putting the title and subtitle on the lower half of the poster might make it better..? I’m no graphics expert myself. Though I do like the character arrangement and their photos, I feel like the sparkly smoke (because that’s what it looks like to me) makes it seem mystical and fantasy-like, whereas you say it’s fluff, yet revenge. As for the background, I like the simplicity, and even though I feel like the numbers and letters (and symbols) in it don’t fit, I still think it’s fine.

Description & Foreword;  5/10

   I absolutely think the description is adorably dedicated and it makes me ooze with fluff. I agree that the whole ordeal with sm artists , which was the reason I took on this fic, because I wanted to see your idea of this. And I just love how you dedicated it to them and how it honestly fits because of what’s happened. And the music is a good addition, too. It’s a beautiful piece and has beautiful vocals.

Foreword:
     I think it’s cute how you have the petition in the foreword and the poster gallery. I actually like the layout on the pink one very well, too, and it is simple. ^^ But to me, I don’t like how you start the foreword with “Please read my 3 part one-shot” – I thought you were talking about another. But then I realized it was this one. So, maybe, you could put “Please enjoy this 3 part oneshot” or something. ^^

______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦______________

Creativity/Originality;  5/5

    This is the first I’ve seen with having KJS return as their own company, so I’m happy with that. But I think the feel of this may happen and others will write it. But I like your version because it’s the first I see, the scenes are great, and the finale is heartwarming to say the least. It’s fluff, I tell you, which is what you told me it was. It was cute, sad, and just overall melt-worthy because they got their chance at success through their fans, their hard work, and the support of their groups. But I may also mention that if you’d sign SNSD, EXO, and f(x) to the KJS company, they are copyrighted with SM under those names, so they’d have to change their names because I’m sure Youngmin-sshi wouldn’t allow them to take their names even with a legal battle. Heh. Which even if you’d do that, you could make minor changes to their names anyways because it isn’t just their title,  it’s a newer title. SNSD/Girl’s Generation = Generation: Girls/SDSN .. it’d be a mockery for SM and the fans could go against sm and laugh at how they basically loopholed the thing. EXO = EXOtic. Like the fans first fandom name for themselves.  f(x) = f(y) … same basic structure and it means the same. And they are all puns. But this is just me being goofy, but I am showing you how if they’d even join, they’d have to change their names.

Plot;  17/20

  The plot is based from real life events and then your own idea of how the trio comes together to build their own company to rise above their downfall. I think something to strengthen that plot (besides detail- you can hit me if you need to, I mention this a lot) is having them still struggle to find their footing and to harbor their emotions about the whole “revenge” thing. They’re going against SM, and SM is going to fall, especially with how you took all of its employees/trainees/idols away. The trio misses their groups and I think it should have the feeling of “we’ll be going against them unless they come join us” because they’ll basically be dropping them, too. And what if all the groups wanted to join, but some members or trainees didn’t? This isn’t a long story, so I don’t think a giant thing of a plot should be there like I just mentioned. Having it as of now’s writing is A-OK, but the detail… we need it to strengthen not only the plot, but the characters, the transition, and the overall conclusion to their success.
 

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   9/15

Here we go. Okay, so I’m always nagging on the tenses in stories because they are what keeps you in line and where you are in your story; past, present, future. And as for how it started off, it was past, but then the second line goes to present. From there on, the story goes in present tense with a few past tenses verbs popping up, which is alright compared to how it could of gone based off of the first two sentences. So I’m glad that a majority was in one tense, so all you have to worry about is the ones that need fixed. ^^

As for the spelling, there were many mistakes such as “likes” instead of “like” and things in that area. Nothing was really bad though, which is good news. Just the average typo and some grammatical errors. The grammatical area that mainly had problems was the verbs, like how it was with the past and present, except it was the plural forms of verbs and words alike. With verbs, nothing should be plural. With general words, read the sentence out loud, make sure you are talking about plural (because that should be the only reason it is in plural form) and so on. If you need a highlighted review on that portion, I can help, just tell me. ^^
 

Characterization;   9/15

  Cocky yet determined Kris, sensitive Jessica, tired Sulli, plus the bonus of the not feminine Luhan that I like to see. I really enjoyed the portrayal of the characters, but I felt like they were all the same at points. Due to lack of detail, there was no idea in the inner workings of each character except for the last chapter with Luhan, but even then his own feelings came out wonky at parts. Which this is something I saw through the oneshot itself. The characters got blended and even though their words came out as their own, how they acted got mixed together. I think adding more detail to each character outline and how they act, what they say, etc., will help determine who does and says what, their own character, and so on. ^^

            If you’re gonna keep Kris the same, make him determined but maybe let his hate towards SM be a temper thing and just make him anti-SM on everything. That was my vibe with him anyways, but adding more of that would should it.
            With Jessica, if she’s so emotional, she’d struggle against doing that. And even when you’d get her to, give her a good goal as to why she’s doing it. Is it for the fans? Because she thanked them a lot. Is it to prove she can do well without SM? Show that. Show how fierce she can be without SM holding her back.
            With Sulli, she looked tired in the beginning and I think her overall transition was just great! ^^
            With the extras coming in, have them with separate personas, too, even if they are minor. We can’t have all the extras giving the same vibe.

 

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

Chapter Titles;  -/5
Parts, so I have no judgment on this.

Flow;  3/10

  I hate to go and be harsh on this part but here goes nothing. The flow was entirely too fast and the only way there can be an excuse was the very last part where Jessica wakes up like “was that a dream?” Other than that… it’s too fast paced, there is so much potential for detail inputs, and I really wish for a rewrite or just improvement altogether. I know from the allkpop parts and the Luhan addition that you can add more detail and finish up stuff proportionately compared to the entire first parts of the oneshot.

  For the pacing, it’s just… on fast play. An example is when Jessica wakes up and the next sentence is when she turns on the TV and is eating! She opens her eyes and what do you know? She’s eating breakfast and watching TV. Is she still in bed? Did she get up? What kind of breakfast is it and how is she feeling before that show comes on? There are so many possibilities with the extra addition of detail to this oneshot and I know you can do it, lovely. I have faith in that, I’d just like to see more effort put in to it. Because the concept, the scenes, and everything is really well thought out, but you need more detail to it. Even for when the company starts, pace that out. A oneshot can be long! A company just doesn’t start within a day, trust me. I’ve been working with a business for two years and the company isn’t near ready yet. And the trainees are so convenient yet I think having to actually take the time out and write a song and stuff showing everyone “oh hey, we’re restarting and this song is dedicated to just that” instead of bringing in trainees like “hi we just so happened to write this song about firsts you can work with it sunbaes”- It was fast paced, not realistic enough for the pacing, and I just… please work on adding in detail.

Writing Style (format + your style);  7/10

I love your writing style and the ideas you put out there and work with, so I’m all good with that. But the formatting… you switch fonts a lot. You really should stick to one simple font for the entire working and then for texts, etc., you can choose another font for just that. You know? Other than that, don’t let the font be changing a lot.

For the formatting of the scene changes and all that, I think the best way to improve that is with detail. And more importantly here’s a way to do flashbacks, scene changes, etc.,: proper transitions. That’s something even I’m trying to still get the hang of. Because with the transitions, you can italicize, you can put them between dividers, you can use words to go back and forth. And the way you do it is with dividers, so I think spacing a bit more down to separate the scenes should help a little. ^^

Extra & Notes;
  I love the overall concept and putting the three together to show they can make it on their own and not be tied down by SM’s tight reigns. I love how you did that. ^^

Total Score; ♡

62!

  Thanks for requesting! <3