Username: [r.a. summers]

Story Title (&link): Birdcages in Cabs

Main Characters (+pairings): OCs

Genre(s): Fantasy, Mystery, Supernatural,

Current Length (No. of Chapters): [2nd draft, 7k words]

Rated?: No ;

Reviewer: KissDromedaGirl

_______________ ✦일부분 일; part one; the beginning. ✦_______________

Title;  5/5

    So, if you're sticking with "Birdcages in Cabs" - it's a unique, and interesting title for a story. And of course it'd be something someone would click on or pick up at a bookstore; mainly because what is the meaning of it? Anyone would look to the description or flip to the first page so we can see how this thing starts or what's the summary.
 

_______________ ✦두 번째 부분; the second part; the seam.✦_______________

Creativity/Originality;  5/5

    It's no surprise you take a turn for the dark in your stories, but you do it so well and you can capture anyone through you descriptions and the scenes you display. It's something I've never heard of before and the little quirks of it make a reader want to read and read and read and question and be so jittery as they read on. I'm that way now! I'm so happy to finally get to read and reread over the draft and al;khsfa Zoe is malfunctioning.
 

Plot;  20/20

    Of course I'm not far in enough to grasp the whole plot, and I know a lot from you already regarding said story, but as for this, I have no firm grasp because my mind is like, "No, we're done reading for this week." Ugh. But I love the concept, and all your ideas put in to this piece of work because it's damn brilliant! Who you make the characters out to be, the curiosity, the twists of events, and the parts I've yet to read - it's a story that is overly anticipated by me and I'm pretty sure anyone who'd read it would request more and more. I've told you once, but this story is so good that kids will write fanfics.

Spelling, Vocab, and Grammar;   12/15

 Of course you mentioned the typos, so I took note of those anyways for the fact I expected very few - there aren't many, so yay! But after reading it, I see a common thing for you, that probably needs fixed a bit. You use "still" a whole bunch and it's a word that can be overused and can tire people out. Or confuse them. Knowing your knowledge for words, I'm sure you can pick a sysnonym from your brain and replace it. I usually use Thesaurus.com anyways because I like to find more... "special" words than too-used ones, you know?

Detail: -/15
I added this section differently due to my usual reviews holding spots for Poster/Background and Description/Foreword and I'm only doing a draft review. ^^

    Okay, so. You know me and I don't lie, okay. You think I lie over your writing and ideas, but I don't, Becky. I wanted to make a note in this particular section of the story: detailing. Because the story is phenomanol, as expected, but there's a few things I think need either buffed up or explained. For the detailing, I'm starting with the very first of the story. Not when Boyd shows up, but the aftermath; the rising of the bodies. I scrolled and looked over it quite a lot and I notice that that part is so... tiny, in comparison. It has many details, yes, but it's small and we can basically skip right over it. You manage to let the scene spread out for a few pages, but the content is lacking. You give a wide range of details, from the bodies appearing, the music in the background, and more, but I think focusing on thoughts, or rather the narrator's words over the situation, would help. As narrator of this 3rd person POV story, it's your job to not only describe the story in front of us, but give thoughts or charming comments, or even question. For example, let's look at when the music stops:

    "The record that had been playing over the speakers skipped a note then stopped suddenly. For that one moment she was alone in complete silence.
The buildings in front of her were grey, those behind her beige. They were each six stories high, with street lamps in front that were still glowing. They shone like fireflies in the darkening day. There was a long pause, like the sound that came with waves as they pulled away from the seashore."

    "The record that had been playing over the speakers had skipped a note before stopping suddenly." 'Then' is another word that can be written too much, because it is a shifter word that carries us from moment to moment, scene to scene, line to line. And I think it'd be better if instead of using it, and some other words like it, and finding a synonym to take its place. It helps the flow and makes the lines less dull from overused words. And, I think, for that particular two lines of words there, it's great, yes, but add a comment or some cheeky thing to keep it flowing.
    "It wasn't a numbing silence, or a dead one, rather a silence that happens before a storm." My suggestions only give ideas as to what can be done, so don't go being "but I love your ideas!" because I am here to help, not reword. I just think for moments like this, when we're left at a stop (like the music), you can add in a type of detail that doesn't describe the sound, or the scenery, but a detail where the narrator tells a quirky joke or some analogy or something. It helps the flow and doesn't rush us. Or bore us, for that matter.

    And following that sentence, we begin the emerge of bodies and it's beautiful! I love the deteail shown, but I think spicing up something to throw in to the mix would benefit it a lot more and we wouldn't be roadrunners on this scene. Tell thoughts of Boyd's reaction, or simply a flashback of a similar scene (cough this isn't a spoiler) or a nostalgic feeling, maybe? Use some information about the strands falling everywhere and give thoughts to it. If they fall, maybe add, "There were so many curiously odd places for such strands to fall, and if it were anyone else witnessing this, they'd likely run to see what they were. But Boyd knew better and without as much as a breath, she watched the strips of lace fall gracefully, unlike the things they were attached to." Though that skips a whole paragraph. But my point is to add in things that don't just describe the setting and lace. Describe the moment, moments past, thoughts, opinions, ideas, analogies, similes; bring in some light that doesn't only contradict the dusty yet wondrous feeling of the emerging, but bring in a light that makes us all the more ready to see what's to come.

    "Several snowflakes fell down from the sky, floating so slowly that they looked as if they were dancing with one another. They fell and melted against Tabitha’s shoulder. But those two were the only two.
Miriam lifted the casket. It came up slowly. Her feet slid across the wet, slimy mud. Inside the casket the bones shifted, falling into a pile at the foot of the case. Miriam heard them scrape against each other.
Once the casket was pushed upward, she went to the foot of it. “I’ll push and once you can see it, you need to grab it.” She did just that."

    The snowflake idea is awesome! Because anyone would stare at the page, lost in the curious little thought of why only two fell to touch Tabitha's shoulder. But, there's a common comparison lost in the moment of it; dancing snowflakes. I'm not saying change it, but it's one people generally see when a writer describes snowflakes. And it can get old.
    I think using too much detail of the moment has happened in the past few parangraphs. And I chose this as an example. Hearing them scrape is nice, okay, but there needs to be... some other information given during even this brief moment. Tabitha could stumble, or Miriam could; curiosity of what's inside could be displayed, Tabitha could look to her shoulder and not pay attention to Miriam; it's infinite. And I feel like with you, in some spots there is too much detail (which isn't necessarily a bad thing), and in others there isn't, so that leads to the flow going at the speed of light. Not nearly that fast, but hey, I can't compare right now. Brainless. Although, I have to say that some of your sentences and descriptions are so perfect! I like the vomit comment. That rhymes.

     And on another side note, for Miriam and Tabitha, like all of them, they seen genetically aware of what to do and it reminds me of how Adam and Eve are. Don't shoot me. But Miriam seems like one of the girls who doesn't question anything and just goes for it, and showing that off by her thoughts of just talking about her whilst the scene goes is something that can add to her reasoning. Maybe she has none, so explain. Maybe she has a lot of reasoning, explain. Maybe it's just her, explain. You see?
 

Characterization;   10/15

    Alrighty. So, here we go.

    Boyd and her husband; I know we're waiting to learn more on then, so that's an anticipation. And I'm sure no one's going to forget. But let me say, the creepy level on the husband - which did you name him or something because my mind draws up a blank and I already exited the doc... Ahem. Anyways, Boyd seems suspicious, too, but on a different level. She follows the orders of her husband, yet wonders on her own. They're the caretakers.

    Miriam. Also, tiny note for this is that you shouldn't use Miriam's name until Boyd reads it out. And shouldn't Miriam comment on her own name or even repeat it a few times? I love the name, as you know I love the freaking style you use. Geez. But Miriam, to me, seems a little pushy with her nature and takes off without even questioning the situation. She's so... carefree. And I think maybe she should show a little more curiosity?

    Tabitha. Is Tabitha called Tabby or is Tabby another character because I got entirely confused and- yeah. Tabitha though, seems so... I can't explain, uhm. She seems interesting, but at the same time I question her purpose at the moment. And if she's Tabby, she switches to acting so childish? Or... I don't know. Tabitha feels timid to me, also, which is amusing to see her teamed up with a girl like Miriam.

    Edgar. Edgar Allen Poe, the poet whom- oh, no, wait! Your Edgar, right. Okay, so Edgar seems standoffish, and like a loner, and has more a sense of normalcy and reality than Miriam. Which since I know more about them than just this document of 7k words, I expect to read more in to this. He's the kind that seems interesting. And then Lyle pops up and you know my instant reaction? "Gay moment! Yes!" Which probably wasn't intended, but from saying they're a sewing needle apart and their smiles are finished by one another I was like, "Ah yeah. Gay moment." Which instantly brings me curiosity to Lyle. Seriously... I'm left off at that part and curious (not for the gay moment, cough) and now request to read more. Gracias on that.

    The only thing for characterization I didn't like was how Miriam is so free-willed but I never get to see her thoughts or feel her immediate feelings to being alive right then. It's how we come to see and feel characters and love them. So, I'd like that? It'd be more of a fit for how it turns out than anything, and even then you don't have to spoil things, just show how the characters are. ^^

_______________ ✦일부분 삼; part three; the little things. ✦_______________

What's Hot, What's Not;  5/5

    Someone didn't know what to put for this element aside from the general "Chapter Titles" part, so I put that. This really doesn't count. It's stuff I may or may not like regarding your story.

    What's Hot: The mystery. The boys. The fashion (I want to see more of it and whatnot). The hum in the air that has many on edge and the wondering pouring out in to the streets with the Emerged. Emerged is my new name for them.

    What's Not (in the general sense of, "Oh wow, I now love to hate you, weird character; poor Miriam for getting nearly trampled. You know?):
Creepy husband. Crazy people. The family business. /shot

Flow;  5/10

   I've already mentioned the flow a lot in the detail part, so you get the idea of how I think that part works. The flow is choppy to me, and even thought it's like a TV show and we're in a same scene but switching back and forth... it gets to me. It's hard to make a story flow some times, and I never know how to help with making it run easier. I think just the overall facts and "advise" I gave in the Detail section is the only part that can "help", so to speak. More words and insight into our lovely characters and the feel of the scenes, not only their appeareance may help sew the parts together.

Writing Style (format + your style);  10/10

    There was once a girl I knew, her hair so dark it looked black, and her words so sharp that on occasion she'd stab people with them. This girl wrote stories and the stories she wrote were not only different, but like little movies we all love to witness in our heads. And this particular movie was told so elegantly that the watcher could only smile and sit forwrd in their seat, awaiting more.

   You, my dearest friend, have such a great style of writing and it mixes so well with your themes that I applaud you so much! From reading others stories about love and lost love and so much fluff and cutesy things... seeing your ideas and your words flow out so neatly with oddball ticks... I love it! You know I do. I'm like a freaking fangirl 24/7. You are welcome.

Extra & Notes; (+10)

    I had to change my Review Rubric since yours is a draft and has very few of the fanfic elements I usually review. But! I'm making a fanedit for your story, okay. I'll show you eventually. Promise. But I also anticipate the next events, madam. Tsk, tsk. Write, write, write! And can I tell people of the upcoming story? No? Okay.

Total Score; ♡

82/85

>> Reviewer Note; ♡

Write a description for me. And since I took out grading elements, the highest score can be 85, and oh lookie! Yours is 82... hmm.

    Also... those posters... one here, other one already shown. But I hate the renders/pngs/pics I have of non-asian peeps, so- I used Gam Dain because hers is more.. that style and whatnot. But yeah... fanedit? I was going to use another that actually had an imagined style of what Miriam was wearing... but I don't know... It's here.