I'm in that phase again where I'm making myself depressed because I can't handle how perfect Tao is and yes I'm in that delulu phase again but the good news is I know I'm being delulu. The bad news is I can't stop being delulu. I also can't even write the delulu things going in mind rn because I feel so embarrassed about being a delulu at this age. And yes I'm going to be 30 this September, and yes many years have passed since the last time I wrote some delulu things in this collection, and yes after so many years and after trying so hard I still can't stop myself from being a delulu.

Another bad news is I actually haven't been doing well physically and mentally for 2 years and I think I'm dealing with depression (not the delulu one, I'm talking for real) and my already depressed self can't handle another depression because of being delulu.

I don't know if this makes sense for anyone but it does for me.

But let me be honest, even though I know I am being a delulu, I have always felt that my love for Tao was real, people will say I'm not in love with him but with the image of him, and it's true, I can't know him irl, but this feels so real it hurts. It hurts to know I can't even see him irl and he doesn't know about my existence and he never will while I'm here wanting to at least be able to tap on his shoulder and give him a hug when he cries, it hurts to know other people can do it but not me. It hurts to know I will always be a nobody.

ps: