I don't know what is happening to me these days...

I feel so empty, sad and lost. I constantly feel like crying but I can't find a single tear. I feel like I'm hating everything about myself more and more everyday. My look, my body, my face, the way I walk, the way I talk, everything...

Why am I writing this here though? I feel like everything I do and everything I think about is connected to this person. I think about him all day long, from the moment I wake up until the moment I fall asleep. When I'm watching something, when I'm eating, when I'm sitting doing nothing, when I'm studying, when someone is talking to me about... boyfriends and marriage... when my mother tells me "I hope you will marry someone good, with a good family background, and with good manners, from our city...", and I instantly ask myself what would my parents think if they knew I loved someone that is not even from this country.

What does this have to do with the way I feel about myself? Maybe I feel that everything is connected because... because Tao is perfect, Tao is flawless, and Tao needs someone perfect as well... because I am nothing, nothing that can be compared to him, nothing that resembles to his ideal type, nothing in his world, and will never be a mere thing into it! Tao is shy in front of cameras and that's probably why I never got to see this side of him publicly but just seeing how spontaneous he can be when he's with his friends, with girls that are just his coworkers, kills me. I will not talk about "photo shoots with girls", that is something he HAS to do, but with friends and girls when he is NOT shooting, like that time when the "Tao kissing a girl" scandal emerged (putting aside the fact that it was not true, he was not kissing her, he obviously hugged her and whispered in her ear spontaneously), and this time with Jessica Gomes how he was putting his arm around her shoulder just for a selca... I don't want to sound like these immature fans who only want their oppas to show affection to their members for OTP reasons or who