My heart is pounding and I jump in little noises. I can see the rows and rows of benches already occupied inside. I can see the people dressed so formal, their faces eager and waiting. I fixed my gown nervously. I can do this. I thought to myself as I tried calming my raging emotions. My gown is white and made of satin. It fit carefully and beautifully in my slender figure. I closed my eyes and made a silent prayer for me to make it through this day as I hear the excited murmur of the people around me.

          “Ready Tae Hee?” a voice asked me.

          I opened my eyes and took a deep breath. “Neh.”

          The music started to play slowly with its beat so familiar to my ears. I was walking slowly, a processional, taking everyone’s look as I passed them. They were smiling and giving encouraging nods. I breathed carefully: inhale, exhale.

          I was walking…walking down the aisle with its red carpet and beautiful surroundings. I am in a church and its grand aura is welcoming me with a little enthusiasm. A couple of more steps and I’ll be in the altar.

          Three steps, two steps and finally I stopped.

          I looked up at the man in front of me. He was wearing a tuxedo and he was smiling like as if this is the most wonderful moment of his life. His hand reached out but he didn’t take my hand, he took the hand of the one beside me.

          “Thank you for guiding her, Tae Hee.” I heard the man’s voice directed at me.

          I snapped at my dazed state and cleared my throat. “It’s no problem, Jiwon.”

         Maria kissed me in the cheek gratefully and I carefully dropped the hem of her bridal gown on the carpeted floor. I turned around and went to my proper place. We sat down as the priest told us and I gripped my right hand tightly trying to stop it from shaking.

            This is not your wedding Tae Hee. Get a grip on yourself.I chastised myself.

           It felt real as I was walking down the aisle that I am the bride but my thoughts snapped back into reality as I looked at Jiwon, my best friend’s groom. I sat dutifully in place in a painful way as I looked at Maria and Jiwon getting married. I felt the longing and the disappointment. The tears of bitterness trying to creep up my eyes and I bit my lip not to cry.

           When the ceremony ended I was compelled to another couple of hours of pain by going to the reception for the wedding celebration. I took a seat as far away as possible to the happy crowd, I’m afraid I’ll just spread the depressed aura in me. I tried to hide but Maria already saw me and went my way while her new husband is busy entertaining the guests.

         “Tae Hee, what are you doing here?” Maria asked. “Stop sulking and enjoy my party.”

             “I am enjoying the party.” I lied.

             She smirked at me. “It doesn’t show.”

             I sighed. “Mianhe. It must have been the jet lag.”

            I hugged her tight and she did the same to me. When I pulled away though, I saw concern and sadness in her eyes. I instantly felt guilty because I’m ruining her happy day.

          “Mianheyeo.” I mumbled. “I can go, you know, so that I wouldn’t ruin the atmosphere here.”

             She shook her head. “I’m the one who’s supposed to say sorry. Mianheyeo, Tae Hee. I know this cost you too much and don’t try to hide it. You’re hurting but I can’t celebrate this day without you.”

               “I know. I know and I’ll try to cheer up, don’t worry.” I said putting on a brave smile.

             She looked at me doubtfully but Jiwon called her and she couldn’t do anything but come to his side. I sat down to an empty chair and grabbed champagne in the nearby waiter. I sipped it casually and thought about how I ended up here.

             Maria is my long time friend back in Japan where I worked. We were both from here, in Korea, but we studied in Japan and worked there for three years. She met Jiwon who is a businessman and after having a year and a half relationship they decided to go back to Korea and get married. I stayed in Japan until Maria called me in the middle of the night.

              “Tae Hee, you need to buy your tickets now!” she squealed over the phone.

             I frowned in front of the mirror. I am currently trying to remove my make up. “Tickets for what?”

             “Plane tickets of course.” she replied giggling.

           “Why would I need plane tickets?” I asked more confused. “Don’t tell me you want to go to Paris again? We just finished a fashion conference there.”

            “Aniyo, we’re not going to Paris. I want you to come back here to Korea, now.” she said excitedly.

           “Mou?” I asked stunned like the place is foreign to me. “Korea?”         

           “Neh, Jiwon and I were getting married in a few days time and you have to be here for the preparations!” she said and I can picture her jumping up and down.

             I froze. I couldn’t quiet process what she just said. Marriage, what’s that? It’s like an alien word. More than anything else fear gripped me and I realized I was clutching my phone tightly.

             “Tae Hee, are you still there?” I heard Maria’s voice.

         I shook my head to clear my mind. “Neh. So you’re getting married. Congratulations.”

              “Gumawo.” she said tentatively her initial excitement gone. “You’ll be here won’t you?”

          “I don’t know I need to finish my project for the new clothing line I was planning…” I said trying to make an excuse.

            “When will you stop running away from this place?” she asked quietly and my heart missed a beat.

               “I’m not running away.” I said and my voice cracked.

             “Please come to my wedding. It will mean a lot to me.” she said softly and then she hangs up the phone.

               She managed to convince me to come to her wedding and here I am sitting in this grand party. I am happy for Maria and I know this wedding means a lot to her but…I hate weddings. I am supposed to be wed three years ago and in a beautiful church like this but my groom didn’t come for me. It hurts so much that I decided to go to Japan and start over. I enrolled myself to study about fashion and three years later here I am: a known fashion designer and fashion consultant.

               And now I am back in Korea. Maria didn’t just convince me to go to her wedding she also persuade me to stay for a couple of months so that I can study the Korean fashion that I can use with me new clothing line that I want to establish.

             I don’t know what made me agree but maybe because I know she’s right. I cannot continue hiding from my past and from this beautiful country but that didn’t mean I am not going back to Japan. I don’t have enough reason to stay here. Three months and I’ll be back to Japan, my second home.

               I was distracted when the emcee called everyone’s attention. I didn’t notice that they already finished cutting the cake. All the girls stood up and went forward; it is now time for the traditional ceremony of catching the bouquet of the bride. I stayed where I was but Jiwon called me.

                “Tae Hee, c’mon.” Jiwon said. “You wouldn’t want to miss this.”

             Yes I would.I thought but everyone is looking at me so I stood up and walked forward towards the other girls.

              Maria counted from one to three before she dramatically threw the bouquet of flowers she was holding. It soared upward and I followed it with my eyes. It’s coming down like in slow motion. I frowned, it was coming my way and I don’t know what to do. Instinctively to avoid getting hit in the face and make a fool of myself, I stepped back and stretched my arms to capture it.

               Thud. The bouquet is in my hands.

              I looked up and found everyone clapping for me. I gingerly held the flowers away from me and mumbled. “I…I don’t really want it.” They weren’t listening so I took the bouquet back to my seat.

               I grabbed the champagne and drank it like its water. I am not really the type of person to get easily drunk; I drink occasionally because in my line of work I always went into functions. In Japan they have sake, the Korean counterpart of soju, so I am used to this. I grabbed champagne and held it in my hands.

              Daisy, Maria’s younger sister, approached me. She’s nine years old and she looked like Maria a lot. “Unnie, why are you drinking so much?”

                  I smiled. “It’s just my second glass.”          

                 “I’m bored.” she pouted.

                 “Me too.” I said and I helped her sit on the chair in front of me.

                 She touched the bouquet. “You catch the flowers; will that mean you’re going to get married too?”

                  That felt like a stab in the heart. “Aniyo. Do you want them? You can take it.”

The little girl shook her head. “It looks more beautiful when you hold it.”

                  “Really?” I asked absentmindedly touching the flowers.

               “It’s too bad the Super Junior didn’t come.” Daisy said looking at the band playing.

                 “Super— what?” I asked confused.

               “They’re a really famous Korean boy band.” Daisy explained. “They’re not yet famous in Japan so I think you don’t know them.”

                  “Yeah, I never heard of them.” I nodded.

              “Uncle Jiwon tried to hire them for me but I guess they couldn’t come.” she shrugged. “They’re busy.”

                I smiled at her. She’s really a smart kid and she talked like an adult. “Are you a fan?”

             “Not really I am just starting to know them, I barely know their name.” she smiled. “I have a crush tough; I think his surname is Cho.”

                I choked on my champagne and I tried to control my breathing again. Cho? What the—?

               “Are you okay, Unnie?” she asked handing me a tissue.

               “N-neh.” I stammered. Maria called Daisy for a family picture and she went away.

                I must have misheard. It must be Choi or something.