SUHO

“Hey, bro, what’s up?” Chanyeol asked me.

I just got in the classroom. I gave Yeol a shrug.

“What’s wrong, Suho? You seem so down.”

I sat on my usual seat and exhaled. “Do you have extra pencil?”

He shook his head. “None.”

“Aish. I should have not asked in the first place,” I said.

“Bro, it hurts.”

I looked at him. “Sorry, bro. I just have a rough day.”

He patted my back and smiled, “It’s okay. We both have. We just need to push a little more and the result is so much better than this day.”

It’s not. The result doesn’t matter anymore. There’s no Jessica that would be there, so proud of me. She won’t be there smiling at me and telling me she’s so proud to have me as her boyfriend. There’s no chance for the both of us.

There would be no us. I have given up because I know no matter how hard I push through the end game is either HaeSica or WonSica. That’s it. No SuSica.

“Yeah,” I lied to Chanyeol.

“Oh! Chorong!” I heard Chanyeol called her.

I looked up and saw her walk to us, girly as she always been.

She’s been my girl best friend. Even though she knows I don’t like her nor love her, she still shows how much she likes me. I have told her not to expect and I’m glad she understands.

She was the one who kissed me at Tae noona’s birthday party. And that night, I told myself that Jessica was jealous and that I have a chance. But no. Clearly no. I wasn’t even sure if she was jealous or just merely mad at me. But I guess the latter is much more like her answer.

I felt someone poke my forehead. It’s Chorong, pointing a pencil on my forehead.

“Take this, Silly. You’re so stupid, Suho,” she said and sat beside me.

“Chorong, do you remember the pencil I lent to you last time? The one with a heart and has initial written ‘JS’ with a sticker of a two persons holding hands?”

I just remembered that pencil. That serves as my lucky charm since I made it when Jessica helped me review. She left it with me. Actually, I just put the sticker around the pencil but the initials were originally written. I guess it’s her who wrote it. Or . . . I don’t know. I just know it’s hers.

“Ah! Yeah. I think it’s here,” she said and rummaged through her bag. I patiently waited until she found it. “Here,” she handed me the pencil.

“Thanks,” I said and smile plastered on my face.

She got the other pencil. “Seems like it’s so important, why so?”

“It’s Jessica’s and it serves as my lucky charm,” I said and smiled like a fool. Jessica’s effect on me is so powerful.

She looked front. “You really like her, huh?”

I looked at her face, expression changed. I sighed and said to her, “Chorong, I never failed to tell you.”

“I know,” she said, turned to me. “I just don’t know how you eventually love her even though you just met her but me, I’ve been with you all the time but you can’t even show love to me.”

I feel sad but I don’t really have this feeling toward her. It’s sure that I love her but just as my little sister.

“Chorong, you’re a great person. You can find someone, okay? But right now, we need to review,” I said, smiling at her.

She nodded. “How could you be so nice?”

I smiled. “I’m born this way.”

“Agh! Kim Suho, you’re cute!”

Then we laughed.

See? I can’t even love another girl but you, Jessica. I am hopelessly in love with you and knowing that you can’t love me back, it just hurts me as hell. But being distant now can help, I guess. I just want some time to think it through. I need to think of something, sort things out.

Hours have passed; I was walking my way to my house when I decided to take a look at the tarpaulin. It’s about job. I looked closer and found out it’s really a job opportunity . . . outside Jackson town. It’s in the real city.

I sighed. Tae noona will never let me.

I turned my back and walked to the road leading to home. But I saw her, holding her bike, waiting just outside the house. By her expression, I can say she’s hesitating to knock. But, why?

I started to walk to her. And I am failed again. Every time I see her, I just end up going near her. I just want to be beside her. She’s pulling me like a magnet.

“Jessi,” I called.

Looking back at me, she startled. I guess I have scared her. “Suho.”

Those eyes, they are really beautiful. Her lips, so thin but I know it’s soft. Her nose is small like Barbie’s nose. She’s really a Barbie doll. With her great figure, she is indeed a Barbie doll.

“What are you doin’ here?”

“Ahm, I came to thank you for last night. If you weren’t there, I guess I’m not he—“

“No problem. I always want you to be safe, Sica,” I said and smiled at her.

We were silent then. We just stared into each other’s eyes; no word came out our mouth nor did we try to drop our gazes. It feels like us. Only the both us in the scene.

Next thing I knew, she ran and hugged me. “Suho,” she said, hugging me so tight.

I was as shocked as hell. The feeling of her warmth, her tiny arms around my waist, her head on my chest; it feels really great, like I’m in heaven. She’s my angel.

I slowly wrapped my arms around her. Tears started in my eyes but I did my best to hold them back. She can’t see me like that—crying. Jessica.

We parted the hug and she smiled at me sweetly. “Suho, you’re my friend, aren’t you?”

I nodded. Even though it hurts, I nodded.

“Then promise me you won’t leave me no matter how worst I could be. Promise me even though it hurts to be with me, stay with me. Even though I do the things unthinkable, please just stay with me.”

Even though I’m confused, I nodded. “I promise.”

I grabbed and hugged her.

This is what I’m talking about. When she asks something, I give. I’m failed again. There’s nothing I can do now to leave her. I promise to her that I won’t leave her and I won’t break that promise.

I cannot leave her. I don’t know what her motive is but when she’s the one asking, I just give in. I trust her not to hurt herself . . . and me.

“I won’t leave, Jessi.”