"It's really nice of you to visit again." She smiles kindly, after setting a mug on the glass table. "But you really don't have to come; you must be so busy."

"Don't worry, I like coming back here. I feel so relaxed when I’m here, it’s nice. Besides, I figure you could use the help with the cafe now that..." I suppress my clogging throat and stop talking so I don’t sound like I’m croaking. Yejin noona notices my sudden stop of speech. She smiles weakly again.

"... Donghae. Haven't you ever thought of... Moving on-"

"No.” I nod quickly, interrupting her. I can feel my eyes getting warm, as I stare to the floor.

                Ever since the first day I went back to talk Yejin noona to tell her about Gaheun... We never touched the subject again. Not until now. Yejin probably didn't want to bring it up for obvious reasons, sorrow over Gaheun.  I didn't bring it up for the same reason, except, I also had another:  I tried to push away the idea that Yejin might hate me. It would make sense for her to, I took away Gaheun.  Gaheun who was like her child; Gaheun who was like her closest friend. And I took that special person away from her.  But I guess, for that same reason, I keep on coming back to the cafe. I know I can’t replace Gaheun, nobody can. But I come back anyways to keep her company, to check up on her to make sure she's okay… Maybe I come back so, even for a second,  I can believe that Gaheun will walk through the front doors, and call me stupid for  “bothering Yejin"  or for  "being a stalker".   Sometimes, this useless hope keep my mood up and my mind occupied; It makes my days comfortable, breathable,  livable.

                Yejin's lips quiver as she looks at me.  Great Donghae, now you've made Yejin upset. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.  That's what Gaheun would’ve said to me, but she would always smile and remind me that whatever it was wasn't my fault, and that she was just kidding.  I miss that moment. I miss that smile. Right now, I really wish I can see it, to make me feel better and feel everything isn’t my fault. But I won’t see it anymore. Ever. And no matter how many people try to tell me it happened because of Choi, I know its not. I look down, my head resting on my knuckles, trying to cover my eyes from Yejin.
 

She sighs as she sits beside me.

"Donghae, I know you come here to keep me company now that Gaheun ... isn't around anymore. And I know that you want to make sure I'm okay here by myself." she begins, letting out another quiet sigh, trying to compose herself before she speaks again. I stare directly below me to the table, and watch a tear drop and splatter on the glass surface. Damn it.

"But do you  want  to be here? I just want to let you know that you don't have to be. It's been almost two  years already, and you come at least once  every week.  You're still young; you have a whole life ahead of you.  You can move on.  I'm sure Gaheun would want you to."   Yejin noona's right. Gaheun would want me to... But I can't. My heart had her. Only her. It  still  has her. It won't let her go.

"I ... can't." I whisper, just a little louder than my breathing. "I… don't want to. I love her." I look at Yejin, the movement of my face makes another tear trail down my cheek. Yejin exhales as a few tears slide down her cheek.  Damn it, Donghae. Now you've really made her cry.

"I know you do. I know. And  she  knows you do too." she nods.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I... It's because of me... I…  She... For me."  I start, unable to finish any of my thoughts.

Yejin looks at me with a sad expression, and rests her hand on my shoulder.

"Its okay, Donghae. It wasn't your fault; Gaheun made her own choice." she tries to comfort me.

"But she chose  for me.  She didn't even let me decide what  I  wanted to do. She didn't let me stop her. She didn't let me even try to protect her..." I begin to ramble, my silent choked voice stopping me from continuing.

                Yejin noona gently rubs my shoulder, trying to soothe my shaking voice. It doesn't help; my breathing starts to become uneven, and my body shakes because of the staggered breaths. I haven't cried in front of anyone for a while. Not after the day Gaheun left me. I didn't even cry at the funeral. I didn't - No, couldn't - accept the fact that Gaheun was really gone. And after that, I've just pretended everything was okay, almost as if she wasn’t around anymore because she went back to Canada.

"Donghae. It's okay. You can cry, you don't have to hide it. We all know you're upset...  Why do you hide it?" She asks, sounding concerned.   Why  do I hide it? Why  do  I lie to myself?  I know the truth, and I know that no matter how much I hope Gaheun will show up again, she won't.  All these thoughts run through my mind, like a tornado, destroying and scattering my thoughts; the reality, my imagination, my memories.  However, there is one thing that is always dominant in my thoughts...

In between some strangled cries, I manage to finally say,

"I miss her so much" my crying intensifies, and I turn my head to face the glass table again, this time, the teardrops splatter like rain. I hear Yejin noona sob quietly beside me. She moves her hand to the side of my face and gently rests my head on her shoulder.

"I miss her... I can't... I can't forget her...Why did she have to leave? Why did she have to- "

"Shhh... Shhh... I know. I know..." Yejin noona whispers as she pats my head.

                I haven't cried like that in a while, at least, not in the presence of somebody else. But it felt good to let go of everything. For now.

                After I left the cafe, I met up with Kim Bum at another club, this time, it was one of ours. He said Ahjussi told him to let me know about the new scheduling. Not that it really matters anyways, we see each other almost every day. He, along with Hyungjoo and Hyukshin, decided to stay with us ever since that day, two years ago. Over time, we've realized are all really similar, even though we were former "enemies", and we've been like a family ever since. It’s kind of random and strange, but I've actually began to like clubs now, the loud pounding music beats everything out of my mind.

"Hey, took you long enough," Kim Bum says, smiling as I step into the room.

"Hey," I reply, testing my voice a little to make sure I sounded normal. "What have you been up to today?" I ask casually.

"Not much, I went with Siwon and Kangin to do their rounds this afternoon after I stopped by the cemetery... Then I went back to the old mansion to pick up anything that might have been forgotten."    he answers, pursing his lips.  It was his usual routine: helping out anyone, and going to visit Seunghyun once in a while.

"Oh? It took you long enough, that place has been empty for two years already, haha. And why didn't you tell me you were gonna visit Seunghyun? I would've went with you." I answer, a little intrigued about his visit to Choi's mansion.

"Well you said you wanted to visit Gaheun's aunt, so I didn't bother. I'm sure Seunghyun doesn't mind anyways." Kim Bum jokes a little. He's so carefree, and still manages to smile all the time. Weird.  

"And about the mansion..." he hesitates a little, while observing me intently.

"What?" I ask, checking myself to make sure I didn't look like I was bawling a couple hours ago.

"... I don't know if you still wanted this... But I think you would..." He answers, slowly pulling out a red folder.  The red folder.  I slowly take it into my hands and open it while holding my breath, for what reason?  I'm not sure.

                I smile when I see it. Yeah... This is what I wanted her to remember.Us.  I gently fiddle with the ring on my necklace as I look at the picture. It's almost as if the necklace is a part of me now, I haven't taken it off since the moment I put it on. And I don't plan on taking it off, ever.

                Right before I start to daydream, Kim bums pulls something else up from the table.

"Err... This is what's...  Yeah. It's for you." he says awkwardly, quickly taking a sip out of his drink as I take the paper from him. It's an envelope. My heart pounds against my chest as I turn it over to see the handwriting. My eyes widen as I see the handwriting of the person I miss the most.

"You don't have to open it now. If you don't want to." he says, after seeing my reaction.
I look up at him, and nod, smiling.

"Hey... Look who actually cracked a smile. And not one of those fake ones either... Haha." He laughs.

I chuckle lightly while shaking my head, "Am I that easy to see through?" I ask, with the smile still plastered on my face.

"Mm.Mm. Not at all." he answers sarcastically, shaking his head while trying to keep a straight face.

"Pfft. You're a terrible liar. You know that?" I reply, playing along with his joke.

"Yeah, so? Haha. Anyways, wanna go back now? I think Hyukshin, Hyungjoo and Henry are probably back home now. We were all planning on just hanging out tonight." He smiles cheerfully.   We've all become so close now. It's hard to believe we actually fought them before, without thinking twice about who Hyungjoo, Hyukshin or Kim Bum actually were under the label of  'them'.

"Oh. Okay." is all I say.

"Well... We're just gonna stay at home... So after you read your letter you can-"

"I got it. Haha, have I really been a loner for that long?"  It's weird, how long have I been isolated for? He's even inviting me to walk downstairs to hang out with them.

"No. You're around. But, you're never really  there. If you get what I mean, your mind is always somewhere else." He half smiles, looking at my expression.

"Let's go. The music's getting too loud." I say, grimacing.

"Okay, Hyung" he salutes jokingly. I punch him on the shoulder lightly, laughing.

"Ouch." he complains quietly.

"Oops."

"You always say that. I know it's not an accident."

"Yeah, I know"

“You’re lucky I’m happy you’re actually laughing about this… or else you’d be running right about now.” Kim Bum says semi-seriously. I laugh him off, wondering if I should actually be running.

                I sit on the cement railing of the rooftop balcony, taking in the cool, fresh breeze that sails around me. I sigh as I lift the letter in my hand, and open the envelope. My heart starts to race, unable to anticipate what’s inside.

 Dear Donghae,

                How are you? Are you okay? I hope so... Or else all my hard work went to waste! Haha. I wonder when you'll read this... Or if you ever will read this :/  But either way, at least I know I've written it for you. Donghae, I hope you're not upset with me, for taking your place. I know it's not what you wanted, and I know that I'm wrong to have hidden this from you. You have no idea how much I wish we could've been like a regular couple who endure hardships  together... But I guess sometimes it's just not the way it is. But even so, I'm happy this way. I want  you  to be happy too. Can you be if I ask you to?

                I have to come clean and tell you my reason for making my deal with Choi. I'll feel guilty if I don't. One of the main reasons I decided to switch places with you is because I simply can’t handle watching you die. It’s selfish to say, but I have to be honest with you. I would rather be the person in pain, than be the person watching helplessly by the sidelines. I'm selfish and sorry for making you switch roles with me, but you're stronger than I am. You can move on, you will move on. And I’ve really thought about my choice. Ever since the first day we’ve been together… you’ve always been the one making sacrifices and going out of your way for me. I’ve never really done anything for you, and it made me feel… like I wasn’t being fair. This is the only opportunity I had to show you that I would do the same for you, make sacrifices for you too.

                Donghae, you're a reasonable person…  So... Even though  I'm  not able to take your advice, it doesn't mean  you  can't. I want YOU to move on and find someone who loves you. I want YOU to get married and have children. I want YOU to be able to live a happy life, even without me. You deserve so much, and even though I'm not there, it shouldn’t stop you from having everything you deserve. Don't worry about thinking that you'd be unfaithful to me, because I understand, and want you to live your life. You mean the world to me, Hae. That's one of the reasons why I have the courage to give up everything, to keep you safe and alive, because you're such a huge part of me. I don't think I could live with you gone, but you, on the other hand, have so much more in your life. You have your brothers, Ahjussi, your mom, so many other people in your life that need you, like you need them.  Stay strong and healthy, and smile, for them, for me, for yourself. Okay?

                I'm glad that you came for me. Even though I told you not to, and got mad when I found out you did, you have no idea how grateful I am to have met someone like you. Someone who loved me so much, they'd do anything for me. I want to return the favor, and show you that I feel just as strongly as you do. Even though we've only been able to be together for a short month, I feel like I’ve loved you for a lifetime already. Even in that short month, the warmth, kindness, and love you've shown me is more than any other person in the world can ask for. You always tell me you love me, at least once every day, since the first week we started dating. And although you don't say anything, I know you've always wondered why I never said anything back. Maybe it's because I'm not someone who talks about their feelings, or maybe because I was worried that saying it too many times would take away the meaning of love. But I think it's time that I told you... I love you. Even though I’ve never said these words to you, even though I won’t be able to tell you that I love you anymore, I want you to know that I’ve truly fallen in love with you. I want you to know that I’ve fallen in love with the childish, annoying, and incredibly Stupid You,

                No matter how much time goes by, no matter how far our distance, we'll still be together. Even in the two different worlds that we are in now, I know that we are connected …  I'll be waiting for you,

                                                                Forever Yours,

                                                                                              Gaheun

                Donghae smiles at the handwritten letter in his hands. He lets out a sigh as lies down and stares up at the stars. He reaches his hand up into the sky, and stares at the shining stars above him. The sky was so large above him, there were so many bright stars scattered through the dark space. He knew that one of the stars had to be Gaheun, watching him from far away. He closes his eyes, putting his hand down,  holding the letter in one hand, his necklace in the other, and sighs.  No matter how much time passes, I'll still feel the same, no matter where you are, you'll still be with me. Even if I meet someone else, you'll still be in my heart.  Always. And nobody can change that.