FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/28059/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 0/5

It Started With A _______, seems to be a set up title for many many many stories.

TBH, I don’t really bull titles, titles are where I myself start my stories, where readers themselves start their stories.  Try to go for something more special next time okay?

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 2/10

Right off the bat I go omg this is another cliché story.

Though the poster was ‘okay’
 

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 0/10

she's a model in Japan
                 but throw away her career to have a peaceful life.

As easy as it is to become a model, rofl, I scoffed.  And grammar problems as soon as you start the story.  It’s a real scary monster, I would have run away as soon as I read one sentence.

And TBH every time I see a new fanfic writer go OMG THIS IS MY FIRST STORY.  I started AFF barely a month and a half ago and I can finely say I’m doing fine.  I do not like excuses.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 2/15

The plot is very bleh~

I liked how you lead out for a really lame reason-which you just stuck into the story awkwardly.  Anyway I liked how you lead out the plot for a second.  Instead of stupidly putting her into a place full of 5 men.

Even so, nothing really had consistency.  Whether or not he owed her, he himself did not think about the consequences of having her stay in his house.  It’s overdone, and does not connect with the other pieces of the plot well at all.

Sigh~  As soon as I hit that “dead parents” part, my plot points for you dropped so low :/  I actually skipped the whole explanation~

Why?

Because once again, you’re going to make people LOVE her because they PITY her.

Pity DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THE WORD love!

"I know, but I can't. Maybe its not the time for us to be friend" I said.

And then you get to points where there are absolutely no reason for them to do such things.  It’s just part of your plot, another place where you stick something where it doesn’t belong?  You know what that’s called?  a story!

You rush the story, you don’t give any time for people to get to know each other, to the point where you don’t even really have a story. 

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 3/10

You slapped on personalities for practically all the characters.  As much as I’ve already seen the protagonists character like 400 times before, I still can’t be nice about it.

The men are unrealistically so.  Even if this is fiction please try to implement how they really are.  Even if you did Onew his personality is much more than just chicken.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 1/10

Hey have you ever seen a movie like this?  I have.  How much did you take from movies, stories, mangas?  You need to realize these ideas come through to the reader when you implement them from your story.  Obviously you’re not the only person with this type of story.  It’s like writing a love story just to write a love story, but there’s none of your own spark as a writer or your own pieces.  It’s written differently but in general it’s the same as hundreds of other stories out there.  Did you hear me?  Hundreds.

I can just imagine how many stories where the female character is a gorgeous person, I had to frekkin say this but IT IS NOT EASY TO BECOME A MODEL.  Model’s must have their own portfolio which is thousands of dollars itself.  And from there- they must maintain their figure with hours or work.  To throw that all away is basically suicide and major depression for many models.  And even from there, if a model is really popular in any country, she’ll be scouted into other countries too, so very unrealistic.  Plus what type of drama did you think models had?  They can barely scarf down any time whilst those many hours in their probably-bloody shoes.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 0/10

she's a model in Japan
                 but throw away her career to have a peaceful life

She's a model in Japan
                 but threw away her career to have a peaceful life

"I better be get going, I'm too tired" I said.

"I better   get going, I'm too tired" I said.

You have terrible skills with past and pretense.

Remeber when I was sent to
Japan for a fashion show?

Rememberwhen I was sent to
Japan for a fashion show?

Literally things you can fix with spell check.  I know you’re first language isn’t English but that is nowhere near an excuse.  A beta-reader will inevitably help you learn how to use better grammar ten-fold.

Dialled

It’s dialed, dude even the Microsoft Word auto spells it for you.

Remember there is such a thing as commas.

 "Okay Jjong get out of here, Mika here's the basin and towel, change your clothes so you wouldn't smell latte" Onew smiled to me.

 "Key, change your clothes or you'll smell like a latte" I said.

Do you read your own stories?  I hate to be hypocritical since I don’t actually read some of my stories before submitting them either, I try to at least :/  I’ve got 20 one-shots in my queue and 5 ongoing stories so I believe I could say I have an excuse~

 "Coz you're a fashion icon in Japan, the highest paid model, but why did you come back here? I mean, you're famous in Japan why did you suddenly came here? For vacation?" He asked.

I hope to god you know coz isn’t actually a word.  Actually it is -.-  But unless you want this story to be where she’s everyone’s cousin.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 1/10

You didn’t rush the story and you gave opportunities for the character to meet the others.  As much as there was pity=love, I actually didn’t skip many parts of the story so I’m assuming your flow is good enough for me to keeeeeeep reading, as much as I don’t actually want to read it.-But that only lasted a good 15 chapters before I started getting lost in your stories, I have no clue if I can read your whole story- since I most likely will probably get lost as I continue this review >.<

 "This is for you," he said while putting the necklace around my neck. "I want you to wear this always"

 "Jonghyun-oppa, you don't have to buy this" I said.

 "No, I want you to have it. This is my token of love for you" he said smiling at me.

Now I can say that I'm really in love with her. I didn't know how it started, but I know I'm serious about her. There's something about her that is really interesting, she's different from all the girls i had met. She makes me happy, she makes me smile. Being with her, makes my heart pounds. She's like the vitamin for me, I never run out of energy when I'm with her. I just want to make sure that she feels the same like me.

I hope you realized she met him yesterday.  You’re flow is overall getting way too quick~

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 4/15

"I better be get going, I'm too tired" I said.

A better way to say that sentence since this is her own pov, unless she’s a creepo and talks to herself is to do so-

I sighed, I was really tired from the flight.  My body ached from countless hours of sitting.

And now that I really at it, even that sentence is riddled with grammar issues.

Mika  :   "Well, the organizer and some people from Japan keep calling me, I was too irritated that I turned it off."

Why wasn’t that mentioned in her POV at the beginning of the story?  Inconsistencies and random writing does not flow well with me.

As I continue the story~  There seems to be a problem on how you write, you put into a lot of unnecessary details, people don’t want to know every detail of her life and the scene you repeat almost every chapter.  Where the guy’s heart beats so fast for the chick and his proclamation of love for her, it’s almost stupid-actually :/

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 2/5

I got so excited when I saw that this was a one-shot request.  Please double check your forms.

As soon as I started the story I died.

However, as much as I wanted to not read it, it kept me not bashing my head every few seconds for at most 20 chapters.

`Total : 15/100

`Bonus : 5/5

-As guilty as I always feel while creating reviews.

-I couldn’t really finish the story -.-, I tried, honestly, I tried.

Overall Total: 20/100

I’m really sorry but I stopped at chapter 20 because I could no longer understand your story.  Really sorry…It’s just I can not review something I can’t even understand.  I don’t understand the plot at all or what the hell is happening :/