Reviewer: Sherioka @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/36147

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : I don’t like the title. I know that ‘step brothers’ is your main thesis statement, but you could have used more eye-catching words. ‘Gay’ is also an important word in your story; maybe you could have used it as the title. A tip you can use while naming a story: write down a few of the most important words in your story. Combine them together, make a surprising combination. See which one sounds best, or fits your story the most. And, you should use more difficult words as the title to catch reader’s interests. 2/5

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : You wrote ‘no poster’ in the request, but I saw that there was a poster in your story. Anyways, I liked the poster; it kept on reminding the reader about the title. I thought the poster was well made, the colors were simple and the title was clear. But I insist you use deeper colors for the letters. It’ll be easier to see, and clearer photos, too. 8/10

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : You write the sentences without any emotion at all, although you give a hint on the story. But the emotion and feelings you put into is really important. You’re just stating the facts out, and that’s not what a writer should do. Make it more fluent, too. The sentences are straightforward and simple. Not any words that can change the mood when I read. More ups and downs and big words used in the forewords, please! It’ll catch the reader’s interest more. 6/10

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] :Not many people write about the subject ‘gay’ since many people can’t stand it, but I like that you surpass the whole ‘stereotype’ of what most people think. You would say the word ‘gay’ whenever, stating your topic clear. Another point that you did well, when you said you were writing about gay, you wouldn’t hesitate putting the word in your story. In fact, you use it a lot. But remember not to always mention it okay? People get what you want to say, so don’t overdo it, it’ll get tiring to read. The plot is interesting; you mixed ‘gay’ and ‘step brothers’ together, combing two different themes, making a whole new topic. 14/15

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : You stated the characterizations well, you used lots of adjectives and you put a lot of emotion into describing the characters. Maybe a bit too much, don’t describe too much, don’t describe unimportant information. Don’t get off the track of what you really want to express in the sentence, paragraph and chapter. 8/10

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : The story’s on a good start, not dull. But you can still work on making the plot and scenes between the characters more interesting and joyful. I liked the chapter titles, they were really cute! Make the story as cute as the title! Could have worked on making the conversations more fun and interesting to read, still waiting for surprises to happen in the story. Make it creative, impress me. 5/10

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : English isn’t your first language, but that’s fine. You used lots of difficult words and the grammar was okay. Little mistakes here and there, you’ll need to reread and recheck every time you finish writing a chapter, a paragraph or even a sentence. The biggest problem is the fluency of a sentence, you write the sentence long, without any comas. It’s important to add comas. In literature tests, if you don’t use comas, your score will be low. On the contrary, if you use more than three comas in a sentence, it’s a very bad thing. It’ll be called ‘bad sentence’ and your score will still be low. 7/10

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] :It’s on a steady pace, you didn’t make what was going to happen next obvious. In each chapter, you slowly unfold the story. Each chapter was full of information. But a small problem you seem to be having right now, you’re rushing the story a bit. Slow down okay? In the first few chapters, being fast isn’t a bad thing, just how you control it. When it comes to the middle and ending, slowing down is an important thing to remember, since it’s the most important part of the whole story, so you’ll need to describe more carefully. Keep that in mind. 8/10

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : Like I said before, your fluency problem is the biggest problem with you. Another small problem that could have been avoided, try to make who’s talking clearer. It’ll be easier to understand who is talking, make the conversations clearer! State who is talking clearer! When you see sentences with too many words, delete the unimportant words right away. Do not hesitate. You’ll want to give full information to the reader, but you don’t want to spoil or say too much. 10/15

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : Brave for writing such a different plot, full of ups and downs of excitement and feelings. I love the last phrase in every chapter! You did really well on making the chapter cute. :D 5/5

`Total : 73/100

`Bonus : 3/5 I can’t stand the problem with your fluency.

Overall Total: 76/100