Reviewer: SKID_11 @ http:// http://monochromaticpixels.tumblr.com/ 

Fanfic Link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/44480/  

‘Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: 2/5 

"Meant to be Together" is a rather cliché title that I believe many other writers here on AFF have used before, so it wasn't an original title, nor was it one that would stick out from the rest.  

You have to realize that if you want people interested in your story, your story title will have to be the first thing to them in. It has to be an interesting title; one that makes them really think about why you chose that specific title. It has to excite them, and if possible, even make them feel a certain emotion.  

But remember not to make it too long, though! Long titles are boring to read and, well, very long, which isn't what an effective title looks like. And so, in conclusion, it needs to be short, to the point, and convey a message to your readers, all the while being something that attracts them and makes them curious.  

Now, this task probably seems a bit difficult and tedious, which in a way it  is, but if you keep brainstorming story titles, it should come naturally to you in no time! ^^  

Ideas for a title: Now, I don't really have a good idea in mind, but  something about them being forced together is fine, I suppose. "Forced/Forcibly Together," "Bend and Break," "Uneven Puzzle Pieces" (lol, the last one to me was crap xD), etc. etc. Sorry I don't have many suggestions! ^^" 

‘Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?]: 6/10  

The poster was fine, I suppose, but it felt too crowded. Maybe you should've just done a character chart (Then again, that might become overcrowded, too). The font for the title isn't really something that sticks out, and the blue, red and white colours behind the title makes me think of the American flag, which I'm sure wasn't your intention.  

All  in all, I think you should get a better poster or perhaps get a character chart. This poster is nice and colourful, but probably not exactly up to par with the usual standard.  

‘Forewords [did your forewords make me wanting to read more?]: 5/10  

The description and foreword were fine, but not very eventful. You gave a bit too much away, and they made the story seem really cliché, which I do believe the story is. Some, if not most, readers were probably turned off because of the fact that both the description and foreword practically scream "cliché" at the top of their lungs.  

Also, the foreword is a bit illogical. What's up with the teacher calling the people their group names? A teacher doesn't exactly do that, I'm sure. And placing 8-10 people together for a simple group project? You'd think the maximum people you need in a group project is around 6 people, not 8-10, which makes this story highly illogical, I'm afraid. Another turn-off, in my book.  

Though the story seems to be written fine for now, the cliché and illogicality here is seriously making me want to press that little back button, I'm afraid.  

‘Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: 3/15  

Cliché. Cliché, cliché, cliché. This was all I got from this story. I'm afraid that this has been done many times; however, not to this type of extent.  

Okay, groups hating one another. Done. People who hate each other or don't know each other being paired up for a project. Done. But groups hating one another and being paired up together for a project. Not done before, I believe, but this is highly illogical.  A teacher would never put 8-10 people together! That's too many people paired up for a single project!  

Not only is this plot illogical and cliché, but it isn't interesting. Readers no doubt already feel like they know what's going to happen next as this story continues on past seven chapters, and as do I at this moment.  

Unfortunately, I am not really liking this story right now.  

‘Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: 4/10  

Not  really. The characters all seemed very alike to me, and very 2D. You didn't really get to understand their feelings much; it was more like they did things and described what happened and what everyone said. They had no other feelings apart from anger, embarrassment, irritation, and the like.  

In my opinion, there was little-to-nothing that really separated a character from another. Everyone seemed cruel, and everyone seemed conceited. Nobody from other groups really liked one another, and, well, that doesn't seem logical to me. Not even one person felt sympathy or didn't care or felt guilty? Nothing at all? Really?  

I think that you should think through your characters a bit more, and try and make them all 3D and different in a way from other characters. You can make character charts, I guess (Just don't post them into the story; save them somewhere or write them out and simply look over them from time-to-time to get a grasp of your characters).  This is my advice to you concerning this topic.  

‘Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: 3/10  

Like I said before, in the plot especially, this story is cliché and illogical. I've only given you three marks because of the situation in which they met, and the fact that huge groups are being paired together. Illogical or no, that was an original idea that I don't believe I've read in other stories.  

But that doesn't mean I enjoyed reading that, I'm afraid. Please, do think this story over and change up the plot a bit. Don't make the groups go together; instead, just pair up individuals from each group that you wish to get together later on in the story if you have to.  

Sure, the plot will still be a bit of a cliché, but at least it will be logical and even slightly creative/original.  

‘Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: 6/10  

Here I only took out four marks because of your grammar. Your spelling was  fine, and your vocabulary could use a bit of spit and polish, but those two were fine for now.  

Your  grammar, on the other hand, was something that was both good and bad. There were times when your grammar would be completely fine, and then, seemingly out of nowhere, a sentence or two would make little-to-no sense whatsoever, and leave me just staring in confusion at the sentence(s) for a few minutes.  

An example would be this:  

(chapter 2, entitled Bad Day!)

“What ever, they stole our attention and I’m going to make them pay back!” I said firmly and everyone agreed.

This makes no sense to me. I believe what you were trying to say was this:  

"Whatever. They stole the spotlight from us, and I'm going to make them pay for it!" I said firmly, and from their angered and determined expressions, my friends agreed with me as well.

Also, remember to write out numbers. Don't write "1" in a story, for it looks very unprofessional. Instead, write "one."  

I hope you understand what I mean, and are able to take something from here with which you can improve your story! Please, do continue reading; this information is meant to help you, after all.  

‘Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: 3/10  

The flow was too fast.  

Things seemed to be happening at the speed of light for me, really. You should've slowed the whole process down a bit. Had one chapter to describe the lifestyle each of the bands/"groups" that were in the story, or one chapter to describe the lifestyle of two bands/"groups." Then, spend one or two chapter depicting the "fight" that occurs between the groups, and another chapter or two to pair them up. 

This would've been the way I would have made the story flow. You, on the other hand, had decided to go ahead and just have them fight straight from the beginning without even giving the readers a bit of time to get to know each band/"group" a little better, I think.  

However, I gave you three marks since you didn't make everything interesting happen in one whole chapter, so good job regarding that matter! ^^  

‘Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: 10/15  

Your writing style didn't make my eyes bleed, which is a good thing, lol. You wrote well, but didn't really describe settings or characters. Also, you didn't have consistent grammar. These are the reasons that you got five marks off for this section of the rubric.  

Another thing: remember to make a space between each paragraph. It looks clustered if you format it the way you are doing currently, and the way you are doing it is not correct, either.   

You should also make separate paragraphs for when a different person is talking.  

For example, you wrote this:  

(chapter 7, entitled Angel and Devil)

“I like you.” He said grinning. If only I could tear that grin off… “So?” I  spat, hoping to give him the message ‘BUG off’. “Will you be my girlfriend?” He asked.

This is wrong. When someone else begins to talk, remember to begin a separate paragraph.  

And so, with format, grammar, and a few more lines to make the part a bit more interesting to read, it should look more like this:  

“I  like you,” he said, grinning. If only I could've tear that grin off.

“So?” I  sneered, hoping my tone would make him understand that he should just bug off and leave me alone. However, by the way he was standing there, it didn't look like it was working.

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he asked me.

Another thing you should realize is that never use script format in a story.  

For example, in your last chapter (chapter 7, entitled Angel and Devil), you wrote this:

Angel: Yeeun! You cannot betray friends!

Devil: You call Daesung a friend?

Angel: Fine lover!

Devil: As if? Where on earth did you start to use the word lover?

You're actually supposed to write the part like this, with proper format and grammar:

"Yeeun!" said the angel on one side of my shoulder."You cannot betray friends!"

"Are you calling Daesung a friend?" sneered the devil on the other side of my shoulder, arms crossed and a dangerous aura vibrating from her.

"Fine, then!" said the angel, sounding upset and irritated. "You cannot betray your lover!"

The devil made a surprised, but disgusted, sound. "Lover? As if! When on Earth did you start to use the term "lover," anyway?"

That is how you should write that little scripted part at the end. I hope you understand what I mean. :)

‘Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: 2/5  

Not really. It was cliche, over-the-top, and illogical. I did not find myself enjoying it.  

However, though it is not much, I gave one mark in this section for the good spelling, mediocre grammar and mediocre vocabulary, which at the very least didn't make this reading experience extremely painful for me.  

‘Total: 44/100

‘Bonus: -/5  

Unfortunately, I have no bonus to give you, since nothing about your story was something that really intrigued me/interested me/etc. Sorry. :L  

Overall Total: 44/100  

Though this mark probably wasn't what you believed I would give you, don't  lose hope. I sincerely hope that you continue writing this story, but do edit and revise this story and match it with the suggestions I gave you, for that you you'll be able to get more views and subscribers, no doubt.  

And so, because I believed this story needed some work, I tried my best not to sugarcoat it for you, will trying not to be harsh at the same time. I tried to be encouraging and helpful, and really spent some time looking over your work and writing up this review, so please give my words at least a bit of consideration.  

Never stop writing, arasso?  

Hwaiting on your future chapters and other future stories! ^^