Reviewer:SKID_11 @ www.monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com

Fanfic Link:http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/46075/

‘Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: 3/5

I have to say that this is a rather cliché title. "Alice in ------" is almost always used in AFF stories these days for some reason. Some people even go ahead and use "Alice in Wonderland," as it originally is, which isn't creative and not original at all, which is why you got one mark off.

Also, another mark was taken off because of the fact that "Boyfriend" was used in the title, and the main K-Pop band just so happened to be called "Boyfriend" as well - another thing that people usually are doing as well these days on AFF.

However, it still is different. "Alice in Boyfriend Land" is clearly different from other story titles, but there are still only subtle changes, unfortunately.

And so, because of this, you get three out of four marks in this section of the rubric.

‘Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?]: 8/10

I really liked the fact that you had a nice poster and even a trailer to make people feel more attracted to your story, if that makes sense. lolxD

The poster/character chart, however, I thought should've clearly depicted who was Alice. There should've been room for Alice, and then you could just have the title in the middle of the poster/character chart. I know that it's easy to see who Alice is, but since it is a sort of character chart, you should've had some space for her and written "Alice (last name) as Alice," or something along those lines.

The trailer was nice as well, but sometimes the scenes went by so fast that you couldn't exactly read the words written there, so you had to go back and re-watch the same part, or even stop the trailer to get some time to read the words on the scene.

Apart from this, however, the appearance of this story was good, which was why I decided to give you eight out of ten for this section of the rubric.

‘Forewords [did your forewords make me wanting to read more?]: 8.5/10

Your description and foreword were really good! :D I was a little surprised at how well done they were, but you are a good writer, so I wasn’t too surprised. ^^

The description was short, but it gave everything that there was to give. The foreword gave a small tidbit of the story, which was what you used to try and lure readers into your story, by making the readers wonder exactly what was going on, and why whoever it was, was kissing Alice on the cheek even if they had just met.

However, the description wasn’t as “come hither” as the foreword was; it didn’t really pull me into the story as much as I would’ve wanted it to. Though it made you wonder exactly why all of them believed that they were in love with her, I just didn’t feel the pull, the attraction there. Although, I still had a small inkling to read the story, so good job. :)

‘Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: 10/15

The plot wasn’t exactly cliché; I like how you took the tale of Alice in Wonderland and twisted it a lot to make it work with your story. Having all of the guys like her (along with all of the townspeople and others, etc. etc.) and want to be with her, therefore having to almost “battle it out” to be with her has been done a bit of times, but in this one you added more fantasy to it by how they right-off-the-bat love her, but aren’t quite sure why or how, simply saying it’s because of a curse.

Unfortunately, for me, the plot wasn’t as interesting as it could have been. I’m not really the type of person who likes to read stories caked-full with romance; it might have to do with romance, but I would like there to be interactions with characters that shows their deep bond, and because of this bond they start to pull away from friendship into love. I like that type of slow, carefully-thought out love, which this story doesn’t have. And so, because of this, “Alice in Boyfriend Land” kind of lost its appeal to me.

I would have liked it if you had strengthened Alice’s relationship a bit more with the boys before having her start to like any of them more than companionship, just to keep the story from turning into those cliché stories in which the guy and girl like each other without even having a decent interaction or any roadblocks along the way in which they try to stick together.

Plus, there was also the fact that she was willing to allow any of them to kiss her, as she almost allowed Hyunseong to kiss her in the fourth chapter even though they had pretty much just met; it took away from the story for me.

Apart from this, I have to say that the plot seems to be somewhat carefully thought-out and interesting in its own way.

‘Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: 6/10

The characters were alright, I suppose. However, I would’ve liked it more if you had gone into more depth about Alice and her feelings, and truly reflect on how she feels in an unusual situation like this. You know, being in a different world, having to meet such weird people, having five boys “love” her for no absolute reason: the confusion, the fear, the stress, and all of that other good stuff.

Unfortunately, I couldn’t get a good grip on the personality and characterizations of the boys. I can’t really get into their head and understand why they feel what they feel, simply because of the reason that they all love Alice: it makes it difficult to understand them and feel empathic towards them.

Because of this reason, I had to dock your marks a bit, leaving this section’s mark to a six out of ten. The characters are good and all, but there is still that confusion and hesitation about exactly who the boys are and exactly what they feel because they all love Alice in accordance to the curse.

‘Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: 6/10

Oh, it was creative. It was different than other stories, but unfortunately there weren’t many different changes. In other stories the heroine and other characters immediately like each other, except in this story you have sort of an excuse since everyone likes her because of the curse.

However, Alice’s reactions to this aren’t exactly ones that you’d expect. She doesn’t really seem to care much, and it’s as if she loves all of them or feels strongly for all of them. This takes away from the creativity and the originality, because it almost makes your story like other AFF stories, but caked-full of fantasy than romance. I’d like it if you slowed things down a bit more.

Another thing is that the whole Wonderland thing has been done again and again, which took away a bit of this section’s marks. I’ve seen countless stories like this, except with a few different plot twists, so this story didn’t exactly stand out to me that much.

‘Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: 7/10

Your spelling and grammar was good, though there were small mistakes here and there, as expected since we are all humans and nobody’s perfect – this includes their work. There is always room for improvement, so remember to self-edit and peer-edit thoroughly. Leave no stone unturned, leave no regrets. :) All that jazz, you know?

Anyway, your vocabulary could’ve been better. The words were rather basic, and you never really used detail to string in different words to create the right imagery. You never explained in great detail as to how the forest looked like, or the town, or the jabberwocky, or even the people in the town.

So, in conclusion, not only did you miss your chance to up the vocabulary in this story, but you also didn’t help create an image of people and the places they were in for the readers. :/

‘Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: 4/10

Your flow was terribly fast-paced for me. This was made even worse because of the plot of your story, which rendered all of the Boyfriend boys and every other inhabitant in Wonderland to fall in love with Alice.

However, things were made worse and the flow was ruined even more when you didn’t try and have Alice attempt to take out the curse or freak out about the fact that so many people love her and for no reason whatsoever (meaning that they don’t love her because of her looks, her personality, what’s inside – they only love her because of a curse) to top it all off.

There was no actual love, in my opinion: it was just because of the curse. I’m sorry, but I have no idea where Alice’s feelings are coming from – I mean, she isn’t under any curse, now is she?

And so, unfortunately, because of this, I had to give you low marks in this section of the rubric.

‘Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: 13/15

Your writing style was good, in my opinion. :) There were just a few factors that didn’t really help, though: the lack of description vocabulary, the fast flow, the characterization at times – that sort of thing.

However, apart from these things, your writing style was good. There isn’t anything that I feel the need to point out and help you out with, since I felt you were almost spot-on with your writing style. It was easy to read, to understand/comprehend…just the way it should’ve been. Good job.

‘Total: 65.5/100

‘Bonus: 3/5

You get three out of five in this section for the more-than-ordinary plot, along with the fact that this story had good spelling and grammar. :)

Overall Total: 68.5/100