Reviewer: Aznchika @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/31482/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 2/5

-The title was too long for my liking, and it gave away too much. A title is meant to draw readers in and make them wonder what the story is about. Here’s a saying I’ve always heard: Don’t give away all the presents on Christmas Eve. Make them anticipate; that way, you’ll have more views.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 9.5/10

-I love the poster- it looks perfect! The only reason why I didn’t give you full marks was because the background kept repeating and it seemed boring.  

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 9.5/10

-You had everything a foreword was supposed to have; the only thing, however, is it seemed too long, and you know what happens when the readers feel it’s too long. They get lazy. Other than that, you did a pretty good job with portraying first impressions!

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 10/15

-The storyline was pretty cliché, for the most part, and sounded somewhat unrealistic. Meeting SHINee 3 times a day is rare and – though it’s possible -, if you think about it, it’s not very interesting. Give them time for progress – it seems like you’re rushing and trying to make everything perfect.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 7/10

-Simple and overall normal characters – exactly the way I like it. I appreciate the fact that you didn’t create such outrageous characters (such as players, Mary-Sues, and etc.) and tried to keep them within boundaries! I give you kudos for that [: I just wish you added more thoughts and emotion (such as exclamation marks) to the story since without it, it felt less exciting.

The last thing I want to comment on is I don’t think it’s very realistic to have Onew growing feelings for Elisa on the first meeting. Sure, she’s pretty, but SHINee has met THOUSANDS of fans already! If Onew really was that easy, he would’ve liked someone at the autograph signing already.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 6/10

-Like I said before, it wasn’t very creative or unique. There isn’t really anything more to say here, so I’m sorry, but I have to deduct points.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 8/10

-I have to admit, your grammar is better than most people here. The only two things I suggest you do is to go back and add some missing apostrophes in the designated areas and fix some text language (aka ‘cuz’ instead of ‘cause’).

You wrote:

Cindy; Okay. We will take that. Its less than a week away anyways.

Elisa: Okay. Lets go get the money.

Better written:

Cindy: Okay, we’ll take it. It’s less than a week away anyways.

Elisa: Okay – let’s go get the money.

-

You wrote:

She handed me a big envelope. I opened it and I saw 10,000 US dollars in there. I was shocked that I got so many money. I thought I would only get 5000 dollars. I was too happy.

Better written:

She handed me a big envelope, and when I opened it, I saw $10,000 in there. I was shocked that I got so much money! I thought I would only get $5,000! I felt so happy!

-

You wrote: ‘We are in Soeul’ in Chapter 2, so you might wanna fix that mistake [:

-

I didn’t point out many errors since you seem to know what you’re doing [: Good job!

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 8/10

-The flow felt choppy and rushed at times. I say it’s because you don’t add enough emotion and thoughts to the story.

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 10/15

-Honestly, I’m not a big fan of script format. It doesn’t explain enough to the audience, which results in a slightly boring and somewhat dull fanfic.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 2/5

-I didn’t exactly find this story enjoyable due to the scripted formatting, lack of emotions/expressions, and cliché storyline. Sorry ): But this is just my opinion after all!

`Total : 72/100

`Bonus : 4/5

-I’m a fellow Shawol [:

-I appreciate the fact that you finished the story ^-^

-One of the few stories I’ve read the doesn’t have HORRIBLE grammar :D

-You looked like you really cared about your work!

Overall Total: 76/100