Reviewer: Aznchika @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/32620/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 4/5

-The title didn’t look very catchy and though it did make me wonder who her Oppa was and why he hated her, if I was browsing through a list of fanfics, I would just pass this story. However, since it did connect with the story, I’m not going to deduct many points.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 6/10

-I took off points because the pictures if your poster didn’t blend in correctly with each other. It looked somewhat plain and not very exciting. Also, the two pictures of Jonghyun and Minho didn’t correctly match the mood.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 8.5/10

-Your forewords included character descriptions, so kudos for that. However, I highly recommend you add a small teaser or prologue to draw the readers’ attention. Other than that, you did pretty good.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 7/15

-The storyline was very cliché – and that includes their meetings, encounters, and troubles. It’s not realistic for Jonghyun to just bump into Mika and suddenly ask her if she was related to Minho, even if the two siblings did look alike. Also, how could Taemin go to her school? He’s an idol, and an idol being at a normal school is not smart at all.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 7/10

-Considering how Key’s personality was, how could he remain so calm after seeing a random girl (Mika) enter the SHINee dorm with Jonghyun, especially since he’s never seen her before? The way you describe the characters is very confusing because you keep changing your thoughts. Please stick with one idea, and if you think you’ll forget it, write the idea down somewhere.

Also, when you wrote: “Aren’t you upset at all that Minho doesn’t think you’re his dongsaeng and even denied it in front of his close friends?” Jonghyun asked worried.

How did he not see how upset Mika looked, especially when tears were ready to fall?

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 8/10

-I do give you kudos for thinking up the ‘Minho hates me’ idea, but letting Mika live with SHINee was what bothered me. It’s plain – not very exciting – and do you know how much drama she can cost?

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 6/10

-When ending a quote in a statement, there’s not period. Instead of inserting a period – which you did -, you’re supposed to put a comma. Also, you tend to type run-on sentences, which are two or more complete sentences that are joined together without the correct punctuation.

For example, you wrote: “Excuse me, I have an appointment with Lee SooMan.” I said politely, she looked up.

It’s supposed to be: “Excuse me – I have an appointment with Lee Sooman,” I said politely. She looked up.

-

You wrote: “Enter.” Someone said, I walked in and saw Lee SooMan and Choi Minho of SHINee.

Better written: “Enter,” someone said. I walked in to see Lee SooMan and Choi Minho of SHINee.

Or: “Enter,” someone said. I walked in and saw Lee SooMan with Choi Minho of SHINee.

After ending a quote, you should never capitalize whoever spoke unless it’s a name. Also, in the second sentence, you repeated the word ‘and’ twice, making it sound awkward. If  you replace the first and, you might want to change it to the word ‘to’, but if you’re replacing the second ‘and’, you might want to say ‘with’.  

-

You wrote: “Is something wrong, SooMan?” Minho inquired, he’s probably wondering why I’m here, come to think of it I’m curious as to why I’m here too.

Better written: “Is something wrong, SooMan?” Minho inquired. He was probably wondering why I was here. Come to think of it, I was curious as to why I was here too.

You switched to present tense for this whole sentence.

-

You wrote: “Mika, do you know about your father?” SooMan questioned, I shook my head no, umma never talked about him, SooMan sighed. “She was very good at keeping secrets.” He said, I stared at him blankly.

Better written: “Mika, do you know anything about your father?” SooMan questioned. I shook my head no – Umma never talked about him. SooMan sighed. “She was very good at keeping secrets,” he said, and I stared at him blankly.

That, my friend, is how you correctly conjoin two sentences together. The ‘U’ in ‘Umma’ also needs to be capitalized since that’s how you refer to her.

-

You wrote: “Your joking right?” I said shocked, he shook his head.

Better written: “You’re joking, right?” I asked, shocked. He shook his head.

‘Your’ is supposed to be ‘You’re’. There’s also supposed to be a comma before ‘right’ and ‘shocked’.

-

You wrote: “I’m C-Choi Mika.” I stuttered, he looked at me for a while, I crossed my fingers behind my back hoping he didn’t realize we went to the same school.

Better written: “I’m Ch-Choi Mika,” I stuttered. He looked at me for a while, and I crossed my fingers behind my back, hoping he didn’t realize we went to the same school.

If she’s stuttering and only managed to say the first syllable of her surname, she has to say ‘Ch’.

-

You wrote: “What are you talking about, of course she is.” Jonghyun exclaimed, I looked down I was so troublesome.

Better written: “What are you talking about? Of course she is!” Jonghyun exclaimed. I looked down – I was so troublesome.

-

You wrote: “Alright, don’t let Jonghyun do anything erted to you okay.” Key said to me, I nodded laughing.

Better written: “Alright, but don’t let Jonghyun do anything erted to you, okay?” Key said to me. I nodded, laughing.

All of these errors were taken from the FIRST CHAPTER. I highly advise you to look over your story and hire a beta reader.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 7.5/10

-The way Mika keeps on meeting everyone is bothering me. She bumps into them, apologizes, and they just INTRODUCE THEMSELVES TO HER. Don’t you think that’s a little, I don’t know, annoying? I’m sorry, but it is to me. Also, she gets along with the guys too quickly, making it seem like she lives in the ‘perfect world’.

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 13/15

-The good thing about your writing style was I could understand the story, despite all of the run-on sentences. I’ll give you credit for that.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 2/5

-Although I’m a Shawol myself, the way you deliver the story and its storyline made it seem dull and boring to me. I’m not trying to be mean, but I felt as if there were too many unrealistic and annoying factors that kept bugging me.

`Total : 69/100

`Bonus : 1/5

-I’m a Shawol fan, so I guess I can give you a bonus point for that

Overall Total: 70/100