Is Our Love Meant To Be? by yurikim1601
Monochromatic Pixel's Review Request Shop
Reviewer: aznchika @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/
FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/36052
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 2/5
-The title isn’t very eye-catching and creative. A good title is usually important to the story. I bet you can increase your views if you change your title [:
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 4/10
-You don’t have a proper poster- which is all right since this is a new story- but I think it would be better if you didn’t have one for now. In my opinion, a story without a poster is better unless it’s a picture of the idol. The background doesn’t really help either. I think it would look better if you didn’t have a picture of SHINee repeating over and over again in the BG because it would look boring.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 4/10
-I’m sorry to say, but your forewords didn’t exactly draw me in. You can improve it by fixing your grammar mistakes (there are a lot) and you didn’t really give off a good first impression. You didn’t give a small description of the characters either, so the readers don’t have a heads up about the story. Your summary could be more well-written too. I’m not trying to be rude or anything, but I think you can improve more on the forewords.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 8/15
-The way you write the story isn’t interesting. The plot has been commonly used and if you want to make it better, you should add a unique twist to it. The first meeting is kind of cliché too. Why don’t you add more thoughts and feelings to make it better? I bet you’ll get more readers if you do so [:
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 5/10
-Not to be mean or anything, but to tell you the truth, you have dull and flat characters. Characters with good personalities are what drives the story to success. Key and So Mi are too friendly each other from the very beginning, and it’s just too boring to see it go on like this. It’s as if they don’t have any emotions either. The way you describe them makes them sound like a robot. Add more details and that’ll make you a better writer! [:
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 5/10
-Like I said before, I’ve seen this plot many times before. If you want your story to be successful, I suggest you add a twist to the story. I bet you’ll do better once you learn your mistakes [:
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 5/10
-Let me just say, you need to seriously work on your grammar problems. I know that English isn’t your favorite subject, but you won’t get readers if you continue on like you don’t care. Again, not trying to sound mean, but you need to act like you’re really into writing this story! Make sure you change the periods to commas at the end of quotation marks and capitalize your ‘I’s. Also, you tend to change back and forth from present to past tense. Here are some examples of your mistakes:
You wrote: "This is not good, this photo will go on the internet in seconds, and this would ruin SHINee's reputation." i thought.
Better written: “This is not good. This photo will go on the internet in seconds and it’ll ruin SHINee’s reputation,” I thought.
You wrote: Now that i got a good luck at her, i saw how nervous she looked. "Must be because she recognize me as a member from SHINee."i smirked.
Better written: Now that I got a good luck at her, I saw how nervous she looked. “It must be because she recognized me as a member from SHINee,” I smirked.
You wrote: "Well i can't really tell you my personal information when you could be like a criminal and you took my first kiss!"she said
Better written: “Well, I can’t really tell you my personality information since you could be a criminal. You even took my first kiss!” she exclaimed.
You wrote: "I see, i'm sorry. I'm kinda scared right now. I just got here a few days ago, and i can't really grasp the situation we are in. But what are we going to do when the photo gets all over the internet?" she told me.
Better witten: “I see… I’m sorry. I’m kind of scared right now; I just got here a few days ago, and I can’t really grasp the situation we’re in. But what are we going to do when the photos get all over the internet?” she asked.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 10/10
-The flow was pretty good throughout the story. I didn’t really have any problems with it. Good job [:
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 13/15
-You kept changing the perspective views throughout the story, and that confused me a couple of times. I’m used to it, but it would improve the story if you didn’t make it confusing (or it just may be me xD). That’s probably the only problem I had in this section, so I won’t go on and on about it.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 2/5
-It was an all right story. I know you’re a beginner, so I tried not to go so harsh. I hope you can improve and I bet you’ll become a better writer once you grow up [:
`Total : 58/100
`Bonus : 2/5
-2 Points for beginner bonus xD
Overall Total: 60/100
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