Reviewer: Sherioka@ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/10216/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : The title should be short and immediately get to the main point. The title is important, it should be more creative. You can use more difficult words to replace the easy ones. It’ll be more eye-catching. After reading your forewords and comparing it to your title, I had no idea what connection they had. As I kept reading I still don’t. The title is very important, rethink the title again before actually naming it. Or you can try writing down a few key words then combine the words together and see if they sound nice, and see if they’ll match the story. 2/5

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] :The poster was cute; I like the effects you used. The blur and whole style of the poster was well organized, but whether if it’s related to the story…I’m not so sure about that. 8/10

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : The sentences were long and dull, no comas at all. Remember to use punctuation. The forewords spoil the story a bit too much. Delete information that isn’t important; don’t say so much in a sentence. The shorter a sentence the better. 5/10

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] :Well, many people use this plot. But it depends on how you develop it. The plot was cute and makes many readers smile just by reading it. They’ll think, I wish the main character was me…And so on, so the plot is pretty much fine and good. 14/15

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : You used lots of adjectives to described the character’s facial expressions and feelings a lot. It’s not wrong, but try not to repeat the same actions or else the reader will think, “This again?” or “Why is he/she always doing that?” And start thinking about the bad parts of your story. Anyhow, you did a good job here, just add more emotions to the character’s thoughts and actions.7/10

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : The story is really in the need of creativity, you should add more surprising scenes or make the story full of more emotion. Think of something not many people have written before. It’ll make the story more special. 5/10

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : Grammar mistakes and the story fluency needs improvement. There were lots of mistakes and typos that could have been avoided; there were even some sentences that I don’t even know how to fix.Don’t forget to reread and recheck every time you finish writing a chapter, a paragraph or even a sentence.

Example one:

I know chicken is nice but having an obsession over it? But it's ok. He's Onew hyung after all so can't blame what's going on in his mind. > I know chicken is nice but having an obsession over it? It’s okay. He’s Onew hyung after all, so we can’t blame him on what’s going on in his mind.

Note: The underline part “It’s okay.” You can delete that from the sentence; it’s neither important nor needed in the phrase. It doesn’t make sense either. 4/10

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : The flow is on a steady pace, you didn’t rush it or write it too slowly. I guess you can control this part really well. Just add more emotions to the scenes and more feelings that the characters express…It’ll be perfect! 8/10

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : Like I said, your fluency was horrible. You don’t use punctuation in you sentences, and you just keep on writing the story like a movie. You state clearly who’s doing what and every movement they do! It’s not a story and eventually, the reader will get bored of only reading the actions the characters do. Put more emotion in it, put more feelings in it. Make it more fluent by adding punctuation. 8/15

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] :It was okay, not creative but the plot was cute. I would daydream about being saved by an idol and live in their house. 3/5

`Total : 64/100

`Bonus : 5/5 Near the end of the story, the chapters were better than the first few ones. You improved and less mistakes were found.

Overall Total: 69/100

Reviewer’s Note: Parts where you did well and there were parts where you really need improvement. The next time you write a story, remember the tips and good luck! Thanks for requesting from us! ^^