FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/36097/

A `Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 1/5

These titles don’t tell what you should expect in a story; therefore I’ll be marking points off.  It’s not an appealer and it’s not the hardest story title to come up with too.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 2/10

No, I seriously just went, damn it’s another story.  I could see the effort taken place, and that you ‘properly’ planned this story out though.  Don’t stop planning your stories out but also make sure it doesn’t look cliché at the same time.

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 6/10

Well the story didn’t really get me to reading more, since you basically tell what to expect but when you tell what to expect.  It’s literally the ‘ending’, that’s the feeling I get anyways.  There’s no hooker or appeal dragging me in though.  Even if there is none the way you attract people is by making sure you don’t have a single mistake and that you have incredible flow in your forewords.  Though it just seems like a smack dab of a Mary Sue type of PLOT.

I bet many of the readers that come through the first chapter automatically feel how come I feel like I’ve seen this before?  But that’s because we all have.  So don’t go for that.  There’s a lot of female fish in the sea.  If he’s going love her at least piece feelings in.

I’ll give you an excerpt from my story as an example.

“I looked at Kyuhyun as he walked ahead of me, his hand clenched around my wrist.  Taking in his features once again as he led me forward, I sighed.  His face was truly dazzling.  His back was breathtaking, lean and toned.  He looked utterly capable, it truly made me envious.”

But to go further with my POV of your story.  I’m saying things like “when I look at your flowing hair and your beautiful face, you make me feel as if there is no more air in the world.  When you talk and tell me things that I don’t hear from other girls, you make me feel appreciated.  I finally understand what that feeling is now…”

I don’t know, seems like there’s just a block of dialogue there but it seems so unnatural.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 8/15

I feel as if you blow some things out proportion.  While you write your story, think.  Is this possible?  I honestly got tricked like Ji Yong did with the main character, and it wasn’t so much a big of a deal.  It might be just me, but it still seemed to have been blown out of proportion for any other girl as well.  This is just an example though, not the only problem I had.

Since foreword is just foreword, I’ll need to place whatever from here as I continue the actual story.  Your foreword does not allude to anything.  You do not have the main character tell him things that he does not hear from other girls.  Maybe you in the blank space in between chapters, but that shouldn’t be an excuse.

Drama-drama-drama.  I started skimming at chapter 10, which is a good-sign, sort of.  Your plot is not the most interesting but you manage it make things sort of cute-which is bad since your story seems to lean towards angst.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 2/10

The main character is-well she has nothing special about her and it seems as if she’s just another boring girl.  Variations in personality always help.  And more so that whenever you speak of Ji Eun and Hee Na, I just wonder what their personality is.

You write about them but in the end you don’t give any shot of personality.  It’s the same for the guys, they speak but they’re just another guy.

I also confused Ji Eun with Ju Ri for I don’t know-5 chapters?  You need variations in their personality.  Such as make one smile more often than the other- but hell, the reader never knows if the main character is even smiling.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 4/10

It’s not a story where everyone falls in love with everyone just like that, but there’s also nothing particularly special.  Don’t change anything about the way you write in terms of originality, it’s perfect.  But also try to add some spunk to the plot that says it’s clearly YOUR story.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 3/10

There seems to be a lot of commas where they don’t belong.

"Hi," he replied. "Oh my gosh, it's so freaking cold!"

"Hi," he replied, "oh my gosh, it's so freaking cold!"

If that was what you were going for then you usually phrase it like that, but an action belongs in the bolded part, and no replied is not enough.  In some cases it is, but you state who is replying so the reader does not get confused as to who is speaking.

There’s also a lot of spelling mistakes, and I hate to emphasize the part where it is NOT hard to use AFF’s spell check.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 3/10

Actually your flow isn’t very good.  You can’t fit everything in without making a separate scene for each ‘piece of plot’  It’s all supposed to mixed up together.  It’s like trying to tell a story like this- Ji Yong loves cheese, Hee Na kissed Seung Ri, I ate a dog.  That’s the way you’re flow is, I hope it wasn’t too confusing.

There’s no subtle signs of the way things came out for it to be.  Each chapter seems to be a summary, but it’s not.  What about all the feelings in between these chapters?  If you can’t convey the feelings in between, if you don’t let those feelings tell its own story, how will you touch the reader’s heart?

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 5/15

Hey who’s speaking?  Well I don’t know, I got to figure it out myself so I can read the story over later once I figure out who.

Once you switch from one POV that controlled half of the story to another POV immediately, don’t you understand how confused your readers will be all of a sudden?  Changing POV’s needs to be consistent instead of out of the blue since a POV is actually A GREAT DEAL with how the story feels, flows, and conveys to the reader.

It made it very hard for me to continue the story having to not understand who was the character-which actually proves how different your female characters actually are.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 1/5

`Total : 35/100

`Bonus : 3/5

-It’s a different style, but being different isn’t always good.

Overall Total: 38/100

Try to give off small signs to things, you only put off the general idea of the way you view your story.