Reviewer: aznchika @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/37114/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 5/5

-Your title captured my attention and drew me in. Already I was wondering, ‘what prize’? First impressions are important, and you let me off on a good start.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -/10

-I’m not going to count it because I think it’s unfair since you haven’t put up a poster [:

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 7/10

-Honestly, the quotes sounded somewhat cheesy, but when it mentioned ‘Is this my prize for everything?’, I was suddenly hooked. The thing about your forewords, however, is that it lacks character descriptions and a hook. I’m not automatically going to get drawn into your story because of a song, though it is a good reference. I would suggest adding some more important information such as a small teaser and a short summary of the characters.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 15/15

-The plot was actually pretty well thought out and interesting. I wouldn’t call the storyline commonly used, which is why it made the reading so enjoyable. You did a great job in this section [: Full marks!

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 10/10

-I say you did an amazing job portraying the characters! I could almost feel they were feeling, though I’ve never been in the same situation. You also did a good job in this section [:

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 10/10

-In most cases, I would say this was pretty original. I’ve never saw a similar plot to this before, and I really like the uniqueness of it.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 6/10

-After reading your story, I’ve noticed a 2 major problems. First of all, you often switched from past to present tense. I would suggest using past tense throughout the whole story, but that’s your choice. Either way, it’s best if you maintain a constant perspective in order to avoid confusion- and in my case, irritation.

The other issue I had with your fanfic is your use of punctuation marks; it appears unprofessional and messy. To be honest, I get irritated whenever someone adds another question mark when it’s unnecessary. Also, it’s not necessary to add a comma after ending a quote with a exclamation or question mark.

Examples:

You wrote: “Jagiya!!”, he called on Dara.

Better written: “Jagiya!” he called out to Dara.

-

You wrote: The prisoners we’re all looking at me, some are smiling, some are not, and some are nodding out of sympathy

Better written: The prisoners were all looking at me, some smiling, some not, and some nodding out of sympathy.

-

You wrote: And then I walked out, I don’t know why?

Better written: And then I walked out, but I didn’t know why.

In the sentence above, you expressed both a run-on sentence and improper punctuation marks. Also, like I stated before, you jumped from past tense to present.

-

You wrote: I was quite fast I didn’t notice a guy walking towards the lift so I bumped on his back and we both fell on the ground.

Better written: Being quite fast, I didn’t notice a guy walking towards the lift. I bumped into his back, and we both fell to the ground.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 10/10

-I really had no problem with your flow [: It was perfect- exactly how I wanted it to be! Good job!

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 12/15

-I would suggest explaining to the audience when and who you’re switching the perspectives to. One minute, it’s GD’s point of view, but the next, you change to Dara’s without any warning. It made me confused, but I figured it out eventually.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 4/5

-Despite the fact your grammar somewhat distracted me, I really enjoyed the story! Dara and GD are one of my favorite pairings, and it was interesting to see them featured in this fanfic!

`Total : 79/90 = 88/100

`Bonus : 2/5

-Interesting plot!

-Go Dara and GD!

Overall Total: 90/100