Reviewer: SKID_11 @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/32325/

‘Story Title [did it catch my attention?]: 1/5

I’m afraid that it didn’t. At all. I just didn’t find myself interested, because the title is boring and bland. It doesn’t reveal anything, sure, but it’s unnecessarily long and doesn’t seem to tell much about...well, anything concerning your story, really.

Plus, a “fairytale life” is in which the princess gets the prince. But in this story, it seems as if the princess/main character probably will end up with the villain, which is not what happens in a fairytale. Thus, the title doesn’t go well with your story.

Ideas for a story title: “Twisted Fairytale” is a good story title. It makes sense and goes along with your story in a way – the fairytale is twisted, because the “princess” is interested in the “villain” as well. I’m afraid I have no other ideas – if you’d like to use this, go ahead. :)

‘Appearance [what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?]: 4/10

Cheesy. The cheesiness was what got to me. I’m afraid that this plot isn’t something I’m interested in – I suppose it’s a bit different, but that’s pretty much it.

However, the appearance of the banner was nice! :) Unbankbar is truly a wonderful graphics designer, and has constructed a nice banner! Although, it doesn’t go too well with the story because of the blood splatters. This story has nothing to do with extreme violence/gore, and one of the tags is comedy on top of that.

Either get this fixed, or with Undankbar’s say-so, go ahead and request another graphics designer to make you a banner that goes better with your story.

‘Forewords [did your forewords make me wanting to read more?]: 4/10

The description fell flat for me. It was nice, short, and to the point, but it didn’t want you wishing to read more – or, at least, in my opinion. If I ever read the description without having to review it, I wouldn’t have wanted to read more. Try to make people wonder, and don’t just tell them that the princess/main character likes both the prince and the villain.

And the foreword? Don’t get me started. I mean – character charts? I hate character charts – hate, hate, hate! :( As a writer, one should have so much potential that readers don’t need character charts to understand a character’s personality/past/etc.

Plus, do you see character charts in books? Most of them don’t have character charts, so there’s no need for character charts in actuality.

‘Plot [was the plot cliché or was it interesting?]: 8/15

Sorry, but the story was a total cliché overload. Although, I gave you a higher mark than I was going to give you because you didn’t keep slathering the cliché on and on like other writers do, and instead stuck with what you had.

The two main clichés you used are these two:

First cliché – the love triangle. Either two guys like one girl and the girl can’t choose, or vice versa. And if it’s , two guys liking one guy, and if yuri, same thing but only in reverse. This cliché has been used countless times.

Second cliché – the “bad boy-good girl” couple. There a bad boy and a good girl, and either way, they both fall for one another. Or perhaps one of them fall for the other. Doesn’t matter, but this has been done numerous times as well.

It’s not that clichés are bad; it’s that you have to make your own. You need to take the cliché and turn it around; use it differently than other writers may have used it, and really try to make the cliché an original.

‘Characterization [was I able to learn about the characters?]: 4/10

There wasn’t anything that really popped as I read about these characters. I liked that the character personalities were straight-forward, but I also wish that you had added layers to them. If you had given them both good and bad qualities, like every single human being has.

Like, it just seems like the characters are Minho = prince = handsome and nice; [oc] = princess = pretty and innocent; Dongwoon = villain = y and mean. Give them more depth, make us try and pinpoint their true personalities, and don’t give us any character charts – please!

‘Creativity/Originality [was it creative?]: 3/10

Sorry, but I didn’t find it all that creative. The plot is rather cliché, like I’m sure you know I have written before in this review.

However, you do get three marks from me for trying to make the cliché your own! :)

‘Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary [was I able to understand what you were trying to say?]: 7/10

This wasn’t as atrocious as some writers’ here on AFF write, so good job! :) You have little-to-no spelling mistakes, the vocabulary is fine, but the grammar is the problem for you. Like it is for practically each and every writer.

Let me write what you should know in bullet form:

• Don’t write a full word or sentence in all caps. There’s a reason that we have italics – use italics for emphasis, not caps
• Sometimes you end a sentence before you should instead of just using a comma

For example, you wrote this:

(chapter 1, entitled I miss you Umma......)

Hearing that annoying alarm, I sat on my bed then rub my head because I had to stay up all night trying to review for the quiz “Stupid algebra, why do you have to be so hard to understand.” I shut off my alarm still half asleep.

You should write it like this instead:

Hearing that annoying alarm, I sat up on my bed, rubbing my head. My eyes were heavy and blurry, since I had stayed up all right, trying to review for a quiz.

“Stupid algebra! Why do you have to be so hard to understand?” I asked aloud, shutting my alarm clock with a lazy swipe of my hand.

• When writing dialogue, make a separate paragraph for it, like I have done above
• Don’t use emoticons. Using “:)” or “^_^” is not professional, so don’t use them!

These are the main things you need to worry about, and don’t be scared to really describe things like places, clothes, feelings a character is feeling, etc. ^^

‘Flow [was it too fast or too slow to my liking?]: 8/10

The pace was fine enough. :) Good job!

Sometimes it would seem to be dragging, and you were barely making an effort, though. I, as a fellow writer and happy-to-help reviewer, believe that you should work on that.

And so, here is my advice to you to help you with the flow: make an outline with everything that will happen in each chapter if you have to – simply to gather your thoughts and create a story with good flow.

Apart from that, you’re fine in this section of the rubric! :D

‘Writing Style [did your writing style make it easy for me to read?]: 11/15

Yes! The writing style was easy to read and all, but there should’ve been more descriptions and the grammar should’ve been properly looked at. I advise you to edit and revise, perhaps get a friend to edit and revise as well, and/or perhaps get a Beta.

‘Overall Enjoyment [did I enjoy this story?]: 1/5

It was fine, I guess. The only reason I didn’t give you such a good mark here is because, to me, this story was a bit overdone – basically, a total cliché – and definitely not my cup of tea. I wouldn’t read this again or continue reading if someone gave me the choice between reading or finding another fic.

‘Total: 51/100

‘Bonus: 3/5

For your good spelling and vocabulary! ;D

Overall Total: 54/100

Sorry to say this, but this is not a good mark.

You shouldn’t be getting this. Instead, you should be getting 80’s and 90’s, not settling for something a mark like this.

Write something that will wow everyone! Write a story that everyone will be breathless while reading, trying to make sure they don’t miss even one measly little update. But most importantly, write something you enjoy writing. Write something that makes you smile every time you write even one word, much less one sentence.

This mark I have given you does not mean that you should give up on this story! Keep on writing and excelling in what you love to do – and that is to write!

Hwaiting~