First Love by iampetite
Monochromatic Pixel's Review Request Shop
Reviewer: aznchika @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/
FANFIC LINK: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/34634/
`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 3/5
-The title didn’t exactly catch my attention. It was just plain and simple, though it did connect with the story.
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 6/10
-The poster wasn’t exactly eye-catching. By looking at it, I didn’t know who wrote the story, who created the poster, and a little of what the story was about. I won’t count the background since you don’t have one. The appearance is important to the story, and if you give off a first impression, you’ll get viewers!
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 5/10
-Honestly, I think you should edit the forewords. The forewords are also pretty important to the story. It tells the readers what they’re about to read and draws them in, but in your case, you didn’t do that. Also, I think you should include a short summary of each character. I just want to help you improve ^-^
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 13/15
-The plot, overall, was kind of cliché- a transfer student from a foreign country arriving at Seoul and reuniting with someone from her past. I’ve seen it a couple of times already. If only you could add a twist to your story! It’ll make it better [:
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 10/10
-I had no problem with your characterization ^-^ You pretty much showed the reader what the characters were like through actions and thoughts! Full marks!
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 9/10
-Like I stated before, the main plot was sort of cliché, but you added some of your own ideas, so they weren’t that boring [: Just add more suspense and excitement to the story, or some really funny scenes! That way, you’ll be the jack-of-all-trades!
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 5/10
-You made a lot of grammar mistakes in the story. Some were probably because of typing too fast, but the others weren’t that easy to miss. I suggest you proof-read your story, so that you can better it! Some things you might want to improve on are: filling in the blank spaces (you tend to miss words), adding the correct ending marks for your sentence, not switching from past tense to present tense, replacing common and boring words such as ‘said’ and ‘ask’, and creating contractions. For example, instead of saying ‘I am’, say ‘I’m’. It sounds better and more modern. Here are some mistakes you’ve made:
You wrote: I startled at whoever that was screaming my name.
Better written: I was startled at the person who was screaming my name.
You wrote: " Don't worry , Amelia. Me & Kevin will protect you from all of them. " said Yoseob. He is such a sweetheart. I simply giggled at Yoseob's comment. I turned to look at Kevin , he simply smiled sweetly.
Better written: “Don’t worry, Amelia! Kevin and I will protect you from them!” Yoseob exclaimed. He was such a sweetheart! I simply giggled at Yoseob’s comment and turned to Kevin, who simply smiled sweetly.
You wrote: The cafeteria is a no joke too! I mean seriously , it doesn't even look like a cafeteria. It looks more like a dance studio converted into a cafeteria.
Better written: The cafeteria was no joke too! I mean, seriously, it didn’t even look like a cafeteria! It looked more like a dance studio converted into a cafeteria!
You wrote: Yoseob & Kevin are really close & they are such sweethearts
Better written: Yoseob and Kevin were really close, and they were such sweethearts too!
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 7/10
-The pace throughout the story was sort of choppy. It didn’t have enough details in one chapter, and it went too fast the next. In order to make your story seem more smooth, I suggest you add thoughtshots/snapshots.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 11/15
-Your writing style was all right. I didn’t have any major problems with it, but I don’t think it’s really necessary to write Hangeul, considering most of us on the site don’t understand Korean. In fact, it slightly bothered me. Also, when you switch perspectives, I suggest you inform the reader. While reading chapter 8, I didn’t find out you changed perspectives I reached the middle.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 4/5
-Your fanfic was all right. Amelia is on the edge of being a Mary-Sue, and I really don’t like Mary-Sues. I don’t hate your story (trust me, I really don’t); it’s just there were some factors I didn’t like.
`Total : 73/100
`Bonus : 3/5
-You kept going, and that was what mattered :D
Overall Total: 76/100
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