FF Link: 168 Hours of Horror http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/27245

Review by: cerebral @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 5/5

Nice, it wasn’t-at least it wasn’t 7 days!
`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : 3/10

You look pretty sloppy, in your next story try to reduce any author’s notes to all the way at the bottom.  I’m sure you chased away some people from your story at the foreword.
`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 7/10

You did state what the story was about, clearly.  Though the way your format stories is SLOPPY, and as I said  that is sure to chase people away.
`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 10/15

Your plot is based on mystery but I’ll have to say your mystery is pretty predictable.  Your first mission wasn’t as elaborate as I thought it would be.  Her surname is what she lost when she died.  Surname could be lost by her husband dying also and ect.  Of course it’s not always that predictable, but that’s the paradox itself. 

You don’t actually let any relationships grow.  Sure you do it by summarization but summaries don’t make up a story. 

It’s actually pretty interesting, very confusing and many twists.  I wish there was hints and clues for the READER, sort of like foreshadowing-since without foreshadowing it just makes it look like you stuck the twist in without much thought.  In the end everything is sort of a fuzz in the mind T-T
`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 1/10

You really just slapped on a personality on all of them.  I don’t know how any of them looked or acted like.  Taemin was practically the only person with an actual distinct personality.
`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 10/10

Creativity?  Is it not there?
`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 0/10

You have NO idea how good your story WOULD have been if it had vocabulary and careful precise grammar.  If you put in imagery(since I can’t imagine the scenery), and all that good stuff.  These sort of things make up horror.  The surroundings, how all the characters look, these things make up a horror story also.  I’ll try to give an example off the bat:

Taemin shivered when he walked in with the rest of the crew.  The surroundings were eerie and he could hear a distinct owl’s cry from deeper within the forest.  The fence sparkled dangerously, seemingly the only light the house could get from within the forest.  Taemin’s heart felt like it was going to snap in half as Eunhyuk opened the gate for him, he walked hesitant in.

(Cough before I get any farther and make a whole remake)

Anyway I hope you see what I mean :)

Imagery makes the better and definitely gives in feeling.

“How do we even know this Master H really exists?? How do we even he’s gonna kill us if we don’t complete the mission?”Key asked.

“How do we even know this Master H really exists?  How do we even know he’s going to kill us if we don’t complete the mission?”  Key asked.

Double space after punctuation.  One space after commas, colons, and semicolons.

“What the hell is that meant to mean?”asked Yuri.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  asked Yuri.

There’s also many little mistakes such as commas where there should be periods.  Or no punctuation at all.  Spelling mistakes that only take 30 seconds to correct them all :/

Coz is medieval language for cousin.  Use because.
`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 7/10

It could be slower.  It’s also sort of fast enough but making it slower allows more feeling to be put in.
`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 3/15

You put your author’s notes everywhere. 

“Well the surname could be ‘Seng’ (life in Mandarin) coz she lost her life when she was killed…”

Even things like that are still considered an author’s note.  It ruins the flow and mood entirely.
`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 0/5

-I’m fuzzy T-T
`Total : 46/100

`Bonus : 0/5

Overall Total: 46/100

It’s a good story but you’re rushed and it definitely shows.