Reviewer: Aznchika @ http://monochromaticpixel.tumblr.com/

Fanfic link: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/16533/

`Story Title[did it catch my attention?] : 2/5

-The title usually gives off the first impression of the story. Judging from your title, I can already tell the storyline’s cliché. I also took off points since there’s no need for capitalizing the whole title. It should look like this: ‘Fate or Just a Coincidence’.

`Appearance[what was my first impression? Did it catch my attention?] : -/10

-I’m not scoring this section since you don’t have a poster yet [:

`Forewords[did your forewords make me wanting to read more?] : 1/10

-Instead of drawing me into the story, it pushed me away. Let’s start off with the descriptions: you wrote too much. You gave away unnecessary information such as the family background. The descriptions aren’t meant to include the race and ancestors of the main character – you can add that in the character descriptions.

Which leads me to my next point: the character descriptions. If you’re only going to inform the readers about the age, at least write it correctly: ‘Hwang Hana (You): 16-years-old’.  

Lastly, it looked too short. Try including the things I stated earlier – proper character descriptions – and teasers, so you can attract new readers.

`Plot[was the plot cliche or was it interesting?] : 2/15

-The storyline was very cliché, and it didn’t catch my interest at all. There’s nothing more to add to this, so I’ll just move on to the next section.

`Characterization[was I able to learn about the characters?] : 4/10

-Let me just start off by saying I never really liked the main character, Hwang Hana- she’s too ‘perfect’ and in my mind, I hate Mary-Sues. I mean, she’s sixteen and she already knows five languages. Even if her family is genetically diverse, it doesn’t mean an offspring can know all of the languages. That’s just unrealistic.

`Creativity/Originality[was it creative?] : 2/10

-In my eye, nothing was unique about this story: the characters were cliché, the meetings were boring, and it looked as if Hana was living in her own perfect little world.

`Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary[was I able to understand what you were trying to say?] : 0/10

-I’m just going to be honest with you: either hire a beta-reader or go over and edit your story. If you’re using the translator – which looks like you are – it’s not working out. Below are the errors made in ONLY chapter one and two. Honestly, I could barely even understand your fanfic.

You wrote: “WHAT!!??” I screamed in front of my laptop. “What happened?” my mom asked “nothing mom...” I replied “don’t scream all so sudden” she said

Correctly written:

“WHAT?” I screamed in front of my laptop.

“What happened?” my mom asked.

“Nothing, Mom…”

“Don’t suddenly scream!”

Explanation: 1) You don’t need to add more than one punctuation mark. If you informed the reader Hana was screaming, there’s no need to add an exclamation mark.

2) Periods are invented for a reason- use them.

3) When someone new is talking, it’s a new paragraph.

4) Capitalize the first letter of the sentence.

5) If a quote ends in a statement, use a comma.

-

You wrote: “Because she is” he said “what did you do” my mom asked me “nothing... I only said the boy in the TV was cool, and he said I’m flirt” I pointing at AJ m/v

Correctly Written: “Because she is,” he said.

“What did you do?” my mom asked me.

“Nothing – I only said the boy on TV was cool, and he called me a flirt!” I pointed at AJ’s music video.

Explanation: Look at number 2-5 above.

-

You wrote: “Stupid!” I said to myself. “Why I didn’t realize it earlier” I said again “talking to yourself again?” my bro asked “are you crazy?” he asked again

Correctly written: “Stupid!” I said to myself. “Why didn’t I realize it earlier?”

“Talking to yourself again?” my bro asked. “Are you crazy?”

Explanation: 1) There’s no need to add the ‘said again’. Just connect the sentences.

-

You wrote: “You know I like AJ and you didn’t tell me when you know he is Lee Gikwang” I said “Sorry, honestly I want to tell you but I forget” he explained

Correctly Written: “You knew that I liked AJ and you didn’t tell me he was Lee Gikwang?” I asked.

“Sorry – honestly, I wanted to tell you, but I forgot,” he explained.

Explanation: 1) Stick with past tense – you keep changing, and it really bugs me.

2) After ‘sorry’, add the dash; that’s how it’s correctly written.

-

You wrote: “okay! Whatever” I said and look back to my laptop. Then few weeks later they releasing they new album ‘lights go on again’.

Correctly Written: “Okay, whatever!” I said and looked back at my laptop. A few weeks later, they released their new album, ‘Lights Go On Again’.

Explanation: 1) ‘Releasing’ should be changed to ‘released’ because it’s past tense.

2) ‘They’ is changed to ‘their’ because it’s possessive.

3) ‘Lights Go On Again’ should be capitalized because it’s an album name.

-

You wrote: I climbed the stairs and headed for the table ‘my turn now (^. ^)” I think happily... When I arrive at table the first one who greet me is Doojoon oppa,

Correctly written: I climbed the stairs and headed for the table. ‘My turn now!’ I thought happily. When I arrived at the table, the first one who greeted me was Doojoon-Oppa.

Not bothering with the explanation anymore.

-

You wrote: “Annyeong haseyo” he said with a smile and signs the album that I hand over to him. “Annyeong haseyo oppa” I replied nervously.

After Doojoon oppa is Junhyung oppa he only greeted me with a smile and signs the album quietly.

Next is Yoseob oppa “Annyeong, what’s your name? “He said with a big smile, “it’s Hwang Hana imnida “I replied him, “Oh! Nice to meet you! :3 ““Oppa can I get one more sign? It’s for my friend, she’s your big fan but she can’t come so…. ” He cut off me before I can finish my words.

Next is Dongwoon oppa, “Hi! What are you talking about with yoseob hyung? I saw he whisper to you “he said to me when I was in front of him. “ Uhh... nothing much... hehe “I replied nervously.

He just smiles back to me, and then next person is Hyunseung oppa. ‘Whoa he’s so pretty’ I thought, “Annyeong haseyo~ “he said with a smile on his face. “ Annyeong haseyo oppa ~” I replied with the same tone, he smiled when he heard that.

And last is my fav. Gikwang oppa, “Annyeong! Gikwang Oppa, I’m your big fans~” I said it with confidence. He seem a little surprised when I say I’m his big fans but, then he smiled at me a said

Correctly Written: “Annyeonghaseyo,” he said with a smile and signed the album that I handed over to him.

“Annyeonghaseyo,” I replied nervously.

After Doojoon-Oppa was Junhyung-Oppa, who greeted me with a smile and signed the album quietly. Next was Yoseob-Oppa.

“Annyeonghaseyo – what’s your name?” he questioned with a big smile.

“Hwang Hana,” I replied.

“Oh, nice to meet you!”

“Oppa, can I get one more signature? It’s for my friend, and she’s a big fan, but she couldn’t come, so-“ He cut me off before I could finish my sentence.

`Flow[was it too fast or too slow to my liking?] : 5/10

-The pace was all right – I wouldn’t say it was good, but it wasn’t exactly horrible either. The thing that made me deduct points was the fact that you kept ‘time-skipping’.

`Writing Style[did your writing style make it easy for me to read?] : 2/15

-Your writing style didn’t impress me. It looked like you used a translator. If you did, I don’t recommend hiring a reviewer because even if it was your work, we can barely understand the story. The message wasn’t clear, and the grammar was terrible.

`Overall Enjoyment[did I enjoy this story?] : 0/5

-Even though I’m a big BEAST fan, I could barely read up to chapter eight. I could barely understand what you were saying, the details were foggy, and it was just boring to me. Sorry, but I’m going to have to give you a zero.

`Total : 18/90 = 20/100