Seungho’s POV

24 months

‘Maybe… you should stay down for now.’  I keep hearing this sentence in my head as I speed on the bike.

‘It’s the society that’s ugly.’;  Minji once said.

‘So ugly.’ I thought to myself as I leaped off the bridge.

‘It’s for your own good.’ They say.

“Seungho sshi, it’s your tenth time today. Are you sure you want to go for another round? I don’t think it’s good to…” I cut the instructor off before he could finish.

“You don’t think it’s good for my what? Why do everyone keep telling me what is good for me and what is not? I am a freaking adult, I can decide for myself.” I glared at him.

“I just don’t think you should use bungee jumping as a way to vent your anger.” He sighed.

“Then what should I do? Only here I can walk around without being judged. Only here I can truly be angry. What did I do wrong?” I asked.

“You did nothing wrong, so did your body.” He said, hooking me up again.

Minji, where are you?

I closed my eyes and let myself fall.

“One more time, please.” I said as soon as I got back up.

“No.” Another voice said.

I turned back to find Junhyung staring at me, arms crossed.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

“To see what so fun about this suicide game.” He said, taking a glance down, and then shifting his eyes back to me.

“It’s not fun. Go back.” I said.

“Hyung, let’s go.” He said, tugging on my arm.

“Let go.” I hissed at him.

“Hyung~” He said again.

“Let go, or I’ll toss you down!” I pushed him closer to the edge.

I could feel him shake under my grip, but he did not back down.

“After you toss me down, would you come back with me?” He asked.

I glared hard at him.

“If yes, then toss me down.” He said.

“You’re crazy.” I pulled him back up.

“You’re the crazy one. It’s late. Minki’s crying for you.” He said.

“She never cries for me.” I mumbled as I packed up.

“Well, breaking news, today she is indeed looking for you.” He said.

I turned to look at him.

“She has been staring at the door for hours. Who else would she be waiting for if not you?” He said.

My heart sank. I made my daughter wait for me while I came here to vent my anger.

“Let’s go.” I muttered, pushing pass him.

“Ahh wait for me! I’m scared!” He linked his arm with mine, gripping onto me tightly.

I could not help but laugh.

“You’re supposed to be a badass rapper, damn it.” I said.

I by pushing him a little. He screamed and dug his fingers into my arm for his dear life.

“Terrible.” I laughed.

“What!? What!? Do you think everyone is immune to fear like you are!?” He shouted angrily.

“I’m not immune to fear, Junhyung. I’m so damn scared.” I sighed.

“But anyway, how do you know where to find me?” I asked.

“The boys said you left angrily. When you did not come on time, I guess you came to try kill yourself again.” He said simply.

“I’m not trying to kill myself.” I emphasized.

“Right. At least these have ropes.” He said.

I looked at him.

“You really think we don’t know what you have been doing, hyung?” He said.

I kept my cliff diving a secret, unless they found out but did not say anything about it.

“We cannot and will not stop you from doing stuff. But hyung, just remember that if anything happens to you, we’ll all be very upset, especially Minki.” He said.

I nodded.

“Get into the car. You’re not riding that.” He said, pointing to the bike.

“I’m not leaving this here.” I said.

The bike is Minji’s prized possession. I have lost her already. I cannot afford to lose her stuff as well.

“Then… you better be riding beside my car, following my speed. The moment you speed, I’ll crash into you.” He said seriously.

I nodded, knowing well not to take his words lightly.

The moment I pushed open the door, Minki who was eating whatever Haneul fed her turned over.

“Hey, sweetheart. Sorry, Daddy’s late.” I said.

She smiled slightly, and then turned back to eat.

“You should have seen her gloomy face.” Haneul said, pinching Minki’s cheek lightly.

I took the bowl from Haneul and took over feeding Minki.

“I miss you so much.” I said to her as I fed her.

“Seungho.” Haneul called out just as I was about to leave.

“Just want to let you know, we have your back. You don’t have to pretend to be happy when you’re not.” She said.

“I’m fine. Really.” I smiled.

“Shall we go home, sweetheart?” I ruffled Minki’s hair.

She stared at me as she chewed on her teddy bear.

“Aigoo, don’t bite that. It will hurt.” I said, taking the teddy bear from her.

She pouted at me, trying to snatch it back.

“Don’t bite me. Don’t bite me. It hurts~” I said in a kiddish voice, making the teddy bear ‘talk’.

She giggled and snatched the bear from me, hugging it tightly.

“Yes, that’s the way.” I leaned in to kiss her on her cheek.

“Let’s go!” I said.

“Kyahhhh!!” She kicked excitedly.

***
Today is the last fan meeting I would attend before I go on a temporary hiatus to let things cool down. No one knows about it except us. The media and fans will just not see me anymore, but not that I have many fans left.

There is a price to pay for being honest. Fans got angry with me and left, as expected. I was labeled a betrayer, a fool and all sorts of insulting names. Some said I was a huge disappointment. Others say I was being stupid and that I dug my own grave.

To say that I am not sad would be a lie. But more than sadness, I am shocked. I never knew words like these could hurt so much, and to think we were taught from young that honesty is the best policy. This world is realistic. I learnt it the hard way.

 I am starting to worry for Minki. What kind of society is it that she would grow up in? Now I feel like a sinner for bringing her to this world to suffer.

“Smile, please.” I sighed, looking at the gloomy faces.

“It’s just not fair.” Mir kicked the chair.

“Nothing is fair in this world, Mir. Besides, I think it’s okay. I… I need a break anyway.” I smiled.

“Don’t smile if you don’t mean it, hyung.” He said.

“Mir, we’re celebrities. Remember that.” I said, still smiling.

“ that!!! it!!!!” He snapped, almost punching the mirror but I caught his wrist in time.

He struggled his hand out of my grip and pushed me away.

“I hate how you are pretending that this is nothing but actually you’re breaking down inside! Why can’t you just be yourself in front of us!?” He yelled.

“I would be myself, if not for the fact we’re gonna have to be on stage in five minutes.” I said, straightening his tuxedo.

He stared at me, so did the other boys.

“What have I been teaching you? Control your expression. You may be feeling so damn upset inside, but the moment you step on stage, you have to smile. As two faced as that might be, it is the only way to survive.” I said.

“Hyung~~” He frowned, looking as thou he would burst into tears.

“Don’t you dare cry. I’m warning you. No tears. And all of you too.” I said sternly.

“Seungho’s right. We are pros, aren’t we!? Whatever that’s happening here will stay here.” He said, arm hooked over my shoulders.

I smiled and nodded.

We headed out to the screaming crowd. I kept my head down as we performed a few songs. After the self-introduction, I kept my mouth shut, knowing very well that no one in the crowd wanted to hear my voice at all, in fact, I think they would be much happier if I were not there. I occasionally glance up, but regret it almost immediately as all I saw were upset faces, or else sympathetic ones.

I smiled to myself, thinking, this is reality.

During the autograph session, I sat at the last seat, fiddling with my marker, drawing on my own palm while the other boys busied themselves with the fans. Most of them walked passed me as thou I was nonexistent. Those who stopped mainly stopped out of sympathy, only a handful were genuine. It was all written on their face. I felt like yelling at them for being so realistic, but I just told the boys that as celebrities we have to control our expressions, because we are professionals.

I smiled and waved like a fool to no one in particular, mumbling ‘thank you’ to anyone who would listen. ‘You are responsible for your own actions. If you choose to do something, you will be responsible of the consequences, be it good or bad.’; Rain hyung used to tell us. Come to think of it, sitting here like an invisible fool may have its pros too. I get to reflect on myself and do a lot of thinking. In the past, everything was fast pace. Now, in this same setting but different situation, I get to see different things too.

“Oppa~” A voice called out.

I snapped out of my thoughts and looked up with a smile plastered to my face. This is the first voice from a fan I heard today. But my smile died down as quickly as it came, because I recognize that face; One of the girls from the gang that day who forced me to drink diluted bleach before allowing Minki and I pass.

“Oppa, it doesn’t matter what the outside people say. You’ll always hold an important place in our heart.” She said in a sweet voice, but the sweeter the voice, the more dangerous the person.

I looked at her before forcing a smile. I signed on her album before handing it back to her.

“T… thank you.” I said.

“No problem, Oppa. This is for you.” She said, handing me a bottle of water and a folded note.

I looked at it, and then back at her.

“Open the note, Oppa. And have a drink!” She smiled.

I looked around. No one was free to help me. She could stand in front of me and talk for as long as she wanted because no one would hurry her away.

“I.. I’ll do it later.” I said.

“No, Oppa. Do it. Now.” She smiled.

I in a deep breath before opening the note. I froze. It was just three words, but it was enough to scare me; Yang Minki.

I looked up at her, clutching the note tightly in my hand.

“Have a drink, Oppa. The performance tired you out, didn’t it?” She said, pushing the bottle closer to me.

I stared at the bottle, and then back at her. Her smiling expression turned into an angry one. She was losing patience, I could tell.

“You don’t like water, Oppa? How about juice?” She asked.

“No. Water is.. fine.” I mumbled, opening the bottle of water.

The smell of bleach burnt my nose the moment I brought it close to my mouth. It was a heavier dose than before. I kept the bottle open for long without drinking, hoping that someone would smell something, but everyone was too busy to bother.

“No one can save you, Oppa. Do as we say, or else… Yang Minki.” She whispered into my ear before heading off.

From afar, I could see the group of them, staring at me.

‘Yang Minki’ Her voice kept playing in my head.

I clenched my fist and gulped down the bottle of diluted bleach. After I was done with it, they walked off. My throat burned, and then my stomach. My eyes were hurting and I could not breathe properly.

“Are you okay, hyung?” Cheondong asked, looking at me worriedly.

Finally, someone.

“I…” I dug my nails into my palms to hold myself together.

“What’s going on, hyung?” He shook me.

“Get me… milk.” I whispered to him before hurrying off into the toilet.

“Someone go buy milk!!!” I heard him yell.

He steadied me and helped me to the toilet without asking anything. I was starting to hyperventilate.

“What the hell is going on, hyung!?” He yelled, cradling me in his arms.

“Noth.. nothing.” I mumbled, trying to sit up.

I pressed my palm against my stomach, hoping it would help in some way, but of course it did not. The toilet door flew open, revealing the boys who looked at me worriedly.

“Why do you want the milk for?” G.O asked as he opened the bottle of milk hurriedly.

I snatched it from him and gulped it down.

“Drink slowly! What is going on!?” Joon yelled.

“Shut up, and lock the door.” I said, panting heavily.

Mir did as he was told. The four of them knelt down around me, squeezing my hand as thou afraid I would die suddenly. Come to think of it, I did felt like I was going to die. My manager and the other workers were banging on the toilet door. I looked at Mir and he knew instantly what to do. He shut them up and shooed them away.

“What’s going on?” G.O asked after I calmed down.

The burning feeling in my throat and stomach was still there, but I felt much better than before. I guess milk did work. After my first encounter with them, I had a strong feeling they would come back. Therefore, I did some research on how to save myself if they did this to me again. Never did I think I would have to use this ‘skill’ so quickly.

“It’s nothing.” I mumbled, not wanting them to worry.

“Don’t say it’s nothing! Damn it! You looked like you almost died!” G.O shouted.

“Some… girls… they.. they threatened me. That’s all.” I said.

“Threatened you!? What did they do!?” Joon yelled.

“Made me drink diluted …” I mumbled the word ‘bleach’ to the point it was inaudible.

“Made you drink diluted what!? Say it properly!” G.O demanded.

“Bleach.” I said softly.

They gasped.

“But.. but I’m okay. So.. it doesn’t matter.” I said.

“Doesn’t matter? What do you mean by it doesn’t matter? They are trying to kill you! And don’t you dare tell me they are just innocent girls doing this out of anger! Come on, Seungho! You know better than this!” G.O shouted.

“But hyung, how do you know how to use milk to save yourself?” Cheondong asked.

I looked at him. Why is this guy so observant?

“Did it happen before?” He asked.

“Just… once.” I looked down.

“And you kept it from us!?” G.O grabbed the collar of my shirt.

“I’m sorry.” It was all I could say.

“I think we should get you to the hospital.” Cheondong said.

“No. I’m fine. The milk helped. I want to go home.” I said.

“Why do you think the hospitals are available if milk can cure everything!?” Mir shouted.

“I need to see Minki, okay? Please.” I pleaded.

“You can see her later. She’s safe with Haneul.” Joon said.

“I need to see her. Do you understand?” I emphasized.

“Did they threaten you with Minki?” Cheondong asked.

I nodded.

“These evil girls. ing evil.” G.O hissed.

“I need to see her. Please.” I begged.

They helped me up and managed to get me to the van safely. The moment we arrived at Haneul’s place, I banged on her door.

“Who the hell is it!?” Haneul yelled angrily.

She opened the door and stared at me, and then her expression soften.

“Seungho? Why are you here?” She asked.

“Where’s Minki?” I asked worriedly.

“She’s.. sleeping. In the room.” She said, looking at me weirdly.

“Did you bring her out today?” I asked.

She shook her head.

“Good. Don’t bring her out. Never.” I said as I pushed my way pass her and headed to the room Minki was asleep in.

My heart only stopped racing when I saw that she was safe and asleep.

“My sweetheart~” I whispered and kissed her on her cheek.

She stirred a little. I hurried to hush her back into sleep. I lied down beside her, patting her chest lightly.

“Daddy love you.” I said, holding her tiny hand.

I smiled as her palm curled around my finger. I drifted off into sleep with her holding me. Although she is just a baby, her touch made me feel like she was protecting me, just like how Minji would. 

***
When Minki smiled at him when he walked through the door

Seungho: this is reality. *this gif is too cute to express his feeling, actually.*