Minji’s POV

I caught his hand before he can walk away.

“Do you really not want this baby?” I asked, squeezing his cold, trembling hand.

He said nothing, but I could tell he was breathing hard.

“Look at me, Seungho. Look at me and tell me you don’t want this baby, then we’ll do whatever you decide to do.” I said.

He turned to look at me. His face was pale and his dark circles that used to blend into his skin stood out.

“If this is about your career, or responsibility, we can keep this a secret. I’ll not betray you, I’ll shut up about it, I..” He cut me off before I could finish.

“Is this how you picture me as after so long? I’m someone who is afraid of responsibility? I’m someone who is afraid to screw up my career? Minji, really? I’m such a person?” He asked, his voice shaking.

“N.. no. But I.. I thought…” I muttered.

“Let me get this clear. You listen ing hard, Minji. I am not afraid to lose my career, because it, I can sell bean sprouts for a living for all I care. I am not afraid of responsibility. It is so goddamned disappointing to hear you say this about me. But there’s one thing I’m so afraid of, and that’s losing you. I cannot picture my life without you anymore. You made me like this. I used to be okay being alone, but you made me so handicapped! That’s what I’m afraid of, alright? I cannot live without you. Call me pathetic, but that’s who I am.” He said, glaring at me.

“Seungho but… we all know I’m going to die anyway. I just want to give you something, that’s all.” I said.

“Having this baby in your condition now, Minji, it’s like an express ticket to death. With no medication, no therapy, nothing, you know how long you’ll last. What is a baby without you, Minji? What is a family without the mother? I love kids, and damn I am actually so excited that we’re going to have our own baby, but Minji, I don’t want happiness at the expense of your life.” He said.

“We’ll make things work. I’ll be strong. I.. I’ll hang on.” I said.

He shook his head, his eyes watering already.

“I cannot let you risk. I cannot.” He said.

“Then tell me. Tell me that you can let this baby go and not feel guilty for the rest of your life. If you can do it, we’ll abort this baby now.” I said.

“Oh, so now you’re going the ‘guilty’ way? Minji, let me tell you something. I’m going to feel guilty for the rest of my life anyway, or rather I am already feeling guilty the fact I even thought about it. Letting you have this baby and die, or killing this baby and letting you live, it is both killing me. Whatever decision, it will haunt me every day and night. I wouldn’t be able to sleep, I wouldn’t be able to eat, one fine day I might just end my own life to escape this guilt, I don’t know. There’s no such thing as a smaller guilt or a greater guilt. Both decision calls for me to kill someone I love so much. If you’re going to question me like this… Why are you being so cruel to me?” He asked, tears flowing down his cheeks.

I sat up and pulled him close to me. I pressed his palm against my stomach.

“Then don’t choose any.” I said.

He collapsed onto the floor, bawling his eyes out, his hand on my stomach clutching tightly on my shirt.

“Why are you doing this to me? Why? Why? You know I rather die than to give up any of you. Why are you making me choose again when I have already came to a decision? Why, Minji? Why? Do you really enjoy seeing me in pain? I’ll never recover from this pain, Minji, be it losing you or the baby. I’ll never be myself again. Why are you doing this to me? I thought you love me.” He cried.

“I love you, silly. Of course I do. You’re my life, damn it. But Seungho, this baby is a miracle. Please, let me keep it. I might never have a chance to anymore. Seungho, please. I promise you, I’ll be strong. I’ll hang on. For you and the baby, I’ll do anything. Seungho, please.” I begged.

“What’s going to happen if you die? What’s going to happen? The baby will hate me for allowing his or her mother to embark on a suicide journey. I’m going to hate myself and the whole world will hate me. What if I end up pushing the blame to the kid and hate him or her? What if I turn into a terrible, abusive father? Minji, I cannot do this alone. I cannot raise this baby alone, neither can I live another second without you. Why can’t you understand me?” He looked at me, tears flowing nonstop.

“You’re not alone, Seungho. My silly boy, I’m here with you. The baby would not hate you, and hell, you’ll make one great father.” I said, cupping his tears stained cheeks.

“No, no, no, Minji. Don’t do this. We’ll try for another baby when you’re well. Please, just… no.” He buried his face into my palms.

I said nothing, except let him cry while I held onto him. I was crying myself too. I was being reckless and thoughtless. I never expected it to bring him so much pain.

After a while, he looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot.

“Seungho~” I touched his tear-stricken cheek.

He did not say anything, but his hand remained pressed against my stomach.

“Why don’t I feel anything? Is it because the baby hates me?” He asked suddenly.

“Of course you wouldn’t feel anything yet. It’s so small.” I laughed.

“No. I think it’s because the baby hates me.” He said.

“Why do you think that way?” I asked, feeling scared at his sudden calmness.

“Because I wanted to kill it. You don’t love the person who tries to kill you, do you?” He said.

“Seungho, our baby wouldn’t hate you.” I said, cupping his cheeks, making him look at me.

There was no life in his eyes. He is tired. Very, very tired.

“Seungho, I’m sorry for putting you through this pain.” I said.

He shook his head.

“It’s not painful. Don’t call it painful. How can we welcome our baby with the word ‘pain’?” He said.

Did he just say welcome our baby?

I looked at him, confused.

“You want the baby, right? So do I. So let’s keep it. Whatever it takes, we’ll go through this together.” He said.

“Really? You’re letting me keep this baby? Really?” I asked.

“It’s not ‘you’re letting me keep this baby’, Minji. It’s ‘we’re keeping this baby’. We, because we’re one. You live, I live. You die, I die.” He said.

I pulled him down to my level and hugged him tight.

“Thank you, darling. Thank you so much.” I kissed him all over his face.

He smiled, but I know he was not that happy after all.

***
Everyone who learnt about my pregnancy blamed Seungho for accompanying me on this ‘suicide plan’.  I watch in guilt as Seungho just smiled like a proud father, accepting their harsh words without defending himself at all.

“Would you guys stop screaming at him!?” I snapped.

They turned to look at me.

“It’s not his decision alone, alright? He didn’t force me into keeping the baby. I forced him into keeping the baby, so please stop pushing the blame onto him!” I yelled.

Seungho turned to me and smiled. There was something about his smile that scares me, it is the kind of smile someone has when he is simply tired of everything.

“But Minji~” Haneul pouted, holding my hand.

“I’ll be fine, you know it, don’t you? And Haneul, you know that if you were in my position you would never be able to give up the baby too. I don’t understand why in the past, but now I do. You among all these guys here should know what I mean. Junhyung, and you too. You should be able to understand Seungho so damn well as compared to all of them.” I said.

“Just… stay alive.” Haneul hugged me tight.

After they left, I turned to Seungho who have been playing with my fingers and smiling to himself for a really long time.

“Are you okay?” I asked, worried about his mental health more than physical health.

“How small do you think our baby’s fingers would be?” He asked, comparing his hand and mine.

“Maybe, like this?” I said, covering half of his pinky.

“So small?” He asked.

“How big did you think it’ll be?” I laughed.

“I don’t know.” He laughed.

“Seungho, are you really okay?” I asked.

“Yea. I’m just happy, that’s all.” He smiled.

“Seungho~” I looked at him.

“Come on, you need to rest.” He covered the blanket over me.

“Go back and get some rest too.” I said.

“Nope. I’ll just be here.” He plopped himself onto the couch, still smiling.

“Good night.” I said.

He smiled and nodded, turning off the lights but leaving a small one on. I touched my stomach, amazed at the fact that there is a life growing inside me. A life that I never thought I would have. Seungho and I, our baby.

‘You got to grow up to love your Daddy, my precious one.’ I thought to myself.

I could not seem to get any sleep. I was worried for Seungho and his odd change in attitude.

“No… I’m sorry.” I heard him mumble.

I turned to look at him. He was asleep, but he was mumbling.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Don’t…” He kept mumbling.

“Seungho~” I called out.

“Please. I’m sorry. No. Don’t go. I’m sorry. I..” He woke up before he could finish.

He sat up, burying his face in his palms. When he turned to look at me, I pretended to be asleep. I felt him cover the blanket properly.

“I love you.” He whispered, kissing me on my forehead and on my stomach.

I opened my eyes in time to see him head out of the door. Worried that he might do something stupid, I grabbed my jacket and followed him. I kept my distance as I followed behind him. He walked down the dimly lit corridor aimlessly. Even from behind, I could tell how tired he was.

I followed him for quite awhile. He just kept walking and walking, never once stopping. He went up and down the stairs, from ward to ward, circling the whole building. I had no idea what he was doing, but I did not dare to leave him alone. Eventually, he went outside.

I shivered when the wind blew. Even with a fleece pajamas and a thick jacket on, I was freezing. Seungho was dressed only in a short sleeve t-shirt and jeans. As much as I wanted to go over to put my jacket over him, I did not want to let him know I was following him, since he sure looked like he wanted to be alone.

He walked round and round the outside to the point I was starting to feel a little giddy following him like this. I was about to give up following him until he headed towards the playground and stopped walking. He stared at the slide for a while before climbing up the stairs. I tried to hide myself but I was too late.

“Do you think by the time our baby is of the age to play in the playground, things like this would still be in the trend?” He asked, not looking surprised at the fact I was there at all.

“I…” I was lost for words.

“I hope it’ll still be in the trend thou. It’s so fun.” He said, sliding down.

“Lucky~” I called out.

“Hmm?” He smiled, sitting at the bottom of the slide.

I squatted down in front of him, holding both his hands.

“You don’t have to keep smiling, you know? You can get angry, be sad, or sulk. I know I have made a selfish decision and it is hard on you. You said that you’re my boyfriend not only in good times but in bad times too, right? It’s the same for me. I’m your girlfriend in good times and in bad.” I said.

He looked down, holding onto my hand tightly. I wonder if he actually realized it.

“I’m really, really, really scared.” He said, looking up at me.

He was not smiling any more. He is my Seungho now.

“We’re in this together. We’ll get through it together. You, me and baby, we’re together.” I said.

“What if… we don’t..?” He asked, his voice trembling.

“Well, then at least we tried.” I said.

He frowned and pouted, looking as thou he was trying to hold back his tears.

“Are you going to cry?” I asked.

“I think so.” He said.

“Then cry.” I said, hugging him close to my chest.

I rubbed circles onto his back as he sobbed softly into my chest.

“Any time you feel the need to cry, you can always come to me, and I’ll hug you like this.” I said.

“Minji, please don’t leave me. Please don’t die.” He said.

“I’ll try.” I said.

“Promise me.” He said.

“I am not going make promises I am not confident of keeping.” I said, despite the fact I knew all he wanted was assurance, but I did not feel like giving him false assurance now.

“Can’t you at least lie to me!? Why are you being so frank!?” He cried harder.

I could not stop myself from laughing. Seungho, that manly leader is crying like a little boy. How cute~

“Why are you laughing!?” He stomped his foot like how Loki would.

“Because you’re cute.” I said.

“I don’t want to be cute! I just want you to be alive!” He yelled.

“Like I said before, I cannot promise you that I would live as long as you would, but I can promise you I will do whatever I can to not shorten my already short life.” I said.

“You’re so cruel! You cannot even lie to make me happy for a second! You’re so cruel!!” He shouted.

“But you still love me, don’t you?” I asked.

“Precisely! I must be crazy!” He yelled.

“Well, we’re all a little crazy in some way or another.” I smiled, hugging him.

“Let me go! I don’t want to hug you!” He threw a tantrum.

“Oh, really? But do you realize it is you who is holding on to me?” I asked, my hands at the side.

“You forced my hands there!” He said.

“Right, right. Anything you say.” I kissed him on his cheek.

“I don’t like you.” He buried his teary face into my neck.

“Too bad, because I love you so much.” I said.

“Don’t lie. You love baby more.” He said.

“I love you both the same.” I said.

“There’s no such thing as equal love.” He said.

“Really? Then do you love me or baby more?” I asked.

“The same.” He said.

“Ha! I thought you said there’s no such thing as equal love? Liar.” I poked his cheek.

“Don’t make me choose!” He hissed.

“You started it.” I said.

“I love Seungho more. Does that make you happier!?” He frowned.

“Alright, I love Seungho more too. But I love crying Seungho the most, because he’s so cute I am gonna die!!” I pinched his cheeks.

He groaned in pain.

“Aww sorry~” I rubbed his redden cheeks.

He was about to say something but started sneezing.

“Let’s get you inside!” I said, covering my jacket over him.

“No! I’m not cold!” He threw the jacket back to me.

“But still, put it on!” I said, trying to put it on him.

“No! I don’t want your pink jacket. I’m a man!” He pushed the jacket back to me.

“No one will see! When you’re cold, even if it’s a transparent jacket, you put it on!” I said.

“No, no, no! I’m a man and I will not wear a pink jacket!” He walked off.

“Come back here!!” I ran after him.

“I don’t want your pink jacket!!!!” He kept walking.

“Put it on just for awhile!” I pleaded.

“No!!!!! Take it away!!!” He shook his head.

“Seungho!!!” I yelled, frustrated.

“Take it…” He was cut off by his own sneezing.

“See! You’re cold!” I forced the jacket onto him.

“DON’T YOU DARE SHRUG IT OFF!” I warned when he tried to take it off.

“It’s a pink jacket!” He pouted.

“Another word from you and I’ll dye all your clothes pink! Baby pink, shocking pink, dark pink, piggy pink, flamingo pink, salmon pink, coral pink, carnation pink, hot pink, rose pink, lavender pink, dark pink….” He cut me off.

“ENOUGH!!!” He yelled.

I stuck out my tongue at him, laughing at his discomfort.

He pouted and stomped off. I caught up with him and linked our arms together.

“Amaranth pink, brink pink, thulian pink, ultra pink…” He glared at me.

“Pink… Pinky pink…” I said softly, looking at him timidly.

“Minji.” He said sternly.

“Pink.” I muttered.

“Minji~” He said again, more like a warning.

“Seungho.” I said.

“You're pink.” I continued softly.

“AHHHH!!!!” He ruffled his hair.

“Alright, alright. Don’t do that.” I laughed, straightening his hair.

“Enough is enough, okay?” He said.

I nodded obediently.

“Good girl.” He patted my head.

We were walking in silence until for some reason, I blabbered out another shade of pink.

“Ruby pink.” I said softly.

“MINJI!!!” He yelled.

I laughed so hard at his discomfort. Now I know another of his weakness. Pink. This is going to be fun.

***
Minji: Pink… Pinky pink…