Seungho’s POV

“Hyung, are you sure?” Cheondong asked.

“Yes. Go back and get some rest.” I said, waving them off.

They have been in the ward with me for many hours and I know they are tired but worried that I might do something stupid.

“Then… you don’t go anywhere, alright? Just stay here and rest.” G.O said.

I nodded.

“We’ll come back in the morning.” He said again.

I nodded.

As soon as they left the room, I put on my shoes. I stood up and stretched my aching back before heading outside.

I stood outside Minji’s room, the room we stayed in for a month until the birth of our precious girl, the room that was plain and cold but thanks to our decoration became cozy to our liking. I pushed open the door only to be greeted by emptiness.

She is gone. This is real. I will never see her again.

I grabbed a box from the side and started throwing her belongings inside robotically. I had no thoughts in my mind, for some odd reason. I knew this was going to happen, didn’t I?

“Why are you here?” A voice said.

I turned behind to find her doctor friend staring at me.

“Just… packing up. You know~” I smiled.

“You should be resting. Don’t your back hurt?” He asked.

I shrugged my shoulders and continued with what I was doing.

“I’m sorry, Seungho ah~” He said.

“It’s not your fault.” I said.

“If you need any help..” He mumbled.

“I do.” I said.

“How can I help you?” He asked.

“Get me more boxes, would you? I don’t think one box is enough. You know, Minji has a lot of stuff.” I said, pointing around.

“I will get you the boxes. But you know I don’t mean that.” He said.

“It’ll pass, wouldn’t it? No matter how deep the wound is, it’ll heal. Even if you keep picking on it, one day it’ll heal.” I said.

“I don’t know if it’s a good sign that you’re behaving like this.” He said.

“Then should I cry?” I asked.

“If it makes you better.” He said.

“But it wouldn’t bring her back.” I said.

“I’m sorry.” He said, looking down.

“Didn’t I already say it’s not your fault? I was too confident of myself, I guess. I guess her body doesn’t accept me that much after all hahaha~” I said.

“Please don’t act like this.” He said.

“THEN WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO!?” I threw the box against the wall.

“What do you want from me? Do you want me to climb to the roof and try to suicide to make everyone worried?! Is that what you want me to do!? I’m trying to control myself so please!! Even if you see pass my cover, DON’T EXPOSE ME!!! This is the least you can do for me!” I kicked the table and wrecked everything that was in my way.

He headed to the door and closed it. I had no idea why he did that, but I continued to vent my anger on everything. When I had nothing else to wreck, I screamed and pulled my hair, letting the buildup unhappiness inside me out.

However, despite all that, I did not seem to cry.

“She didn’t even say goodbye.” I muttered, collapsing on the bed, hugging the pillow that held the scent of her shampoo.

“How rude.” I said, picturing her in my arms.

“I know, right. But Minji’s always rude.” He said, smiling as he sat beside me, patting my arm lightly.

I had no idea if he secretly jabbed something into me to knock me out or did I fall asleep on my own after all that drama, but when I opened my eyes again, I was still on the bed Minji slept in for the past month, hugging her pillow.

“Oh, you’re up. Are you hungry?” Her friend asked.

He was cleaning up the mess I made, putting things nicely inside boxes.

“Did you knock me out?” I asked, feeling a dull ache in my head.

He laughed and shook his head.

“What do you take me for, seriously?” He said.

“I can do those myself.” I said, pointing at the mess.

“It’s almost done. Besides, it’s not good if you bend your back too much.” He said, sealing up another box.

“I thought you hated me.” I said.

“Hate you? Well, I kind of hate your guts and your uncontrollable cockiness. But I don’t hate you.” He said.

I was about to say something when a knock on the door distracted us. A nurse came in, pushing in something like a cart. She stopped it in front of me and then bowed slightly before heading out. Inside the cart, our precious daughter sleeping like an angel.

“She’s small, but damn loud, you know.” He said, caressing her cheek lightly.

“Why is she here?” I asked, staring at my girl.

“I thought you might want to see her.” Her friend said.

“You don’t want to see her?” He asked.

“No, no. What are you talking about? Of course I want to see her but…” I mumbled.

“I know it is not the appropriate time to say this to you but Seungho, for your daughter, you need to stay strong.” He said, squeezing me on my shoulder.

“I’ll go get more boxes.” He said, heading out, leaving me alone with my sleeping girl.

I picked her up gently and cradled her in my arms. She is so small and soft, like as thou she would break if I use any more strength.

/FLASHBACK

“It’s a baby girl.” The gynae smiled at us.

I turned to look at Minji who was smiling tiredly at me.

“You did it, darling. You did it.” I hugged her tightly.

“Thank you… Lucky~” I heard her say weakly.

“Shhh shhh~ Don’t talk.” I said to her.

“Your neck…” She mumbled, touching me lightly.

She looked at her fingers which were stained red.

“Are you a vampire?” I .

She pouted at me.

“What should we name our princess, hmm?” I asked.

“Your.. say~” Minji poked my cheek.

/END OF FLASHBACK

“Can I just call you princess?” I whispered, afraid to wake her.

“Of course not. Your mummy will kill me.” I smiled to my sleeping girl, planting a kiss on her forehead.

***
“Hyung, she’s so cute.” Mir said, waving at her.

I smiled and nodded, watching them crowd over the baby.

“Are you okay?” Haneul asked.

“This just feels weird.” I said.

“Why?” She asked.

She looked calmer than she did yesterday.

“I feel like the mother in this hospital clothes and sitting here watching you guys crowd over my daughter. It feels weird. Like I was the one who gave birth.” I said.

She laughed and smacked my arm lightly.

“Technically, you are now her mother and father.” She said.

“That’s true.” I smiled.

“But don’t worry, Seungho. I’ll help you. We’ll all help you.” She said.

“Going to give me lessons? Are they free?” I asked.

“Free for you, definitely.” She smiled.

“So, what’s her name?” Yoseob asked.

I shrugged my shoulders.

“Give him a break. Names can come later.” Doojoon said, smacking Yoseob on his head lightly.

“Actually I’m thinking of Minki.” I said.

“Minki? Why?” Junhyung asked.

“I did a little research on the name. It means bright and energy. She’s already beautiful so I don’t need to worry about that.” I said.

They interrupted me with their laughter.

“I believe she would be clever too, but I hope she uses her brightness in a good way. And energy, because I hope she’ll be jumpy and healthy. I cannot afford to lose her like how we almost did inside.” I said.

They looked at me with sympathy in their eyes.

“Don’t look at me like that.” I said.

“Minki’s a good name. She’ll grow up clever and strong.” Junhyung smiled.

“So that’s it, Yang Minki, welcome to the family.” G.O smiled.

***
I shifted out of the dorm and rented an apartment a few storeys downstairs. The boys were pretty against the idea of me moving out but I did not want to keep them awake all night with Minki’s cries.

Haneul, being as sweet as ever, helped me take care of Minki in the day while I went to work. She volunteered despite the fact she has three kids to take care and work to juggle. I was a little reluctant to add another weight onto her shoulder but she insisted.

I agreed in the end since I really needed someone to take care of Minki and I did not exactly trust strangers to take care of my newborn daughter. Minji once said that she would never put the responsibility of taking care of the kids to a nanny because she want her kids to call her Mummy and see her as one, not someone else.

The company did a good job in helping me cover up. It is not that I am embarrassed to letting people know I have a daughter. As much as I wanted to show Minki to the world, I am aware of the harassment that it would bring. I wish at least for the first few years, Minki would grow up like a normal child.

Now I understand why people say that mothers are the most selfless and powerful ones. They really are. Taking care of a baby is not like how they do it in the movies. It really takes a lot of patience, effort and physical strength. It is draining, both physically and mentally, but it is a good kind of tiredness.

“You look so tired.” Haneul said.

“Do I?” I laughed.

“Just three weeks and you lost like 5Kgs or something?” She asked.  

“No. I didn’t lose weight!” I said.

“Come on, Seungho. Don’t kid me.” She said.

“Well, maybe just a little. But it doesn’t matter. The company still thinks I’m overweight.” I said, heading to where Minki was.

“Have you been a good girl?” I asked, picking up my little girl from the cot.

“She’s been an angel.” Haneul said.

“Really?” I smiled, kissing Minki’s cheek.

“Seungho ahjusshi~” Loki pouted.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked, putting Minki back in the cot before squatting down to Loki’s level.

“Where is Minji noona?” He asked.

“Loki~” Haneul hissed.

I looked at Haneul and then back at Loki.

“You miss her?” I asked.

He pouted and nodded. I have never seen Loki so upset before.

“Come.” I said, holding his hand and leading him out to the backyard.

“Is she here?” He asked.

I carried him up and pointed to the sky.

“She’s there?” He asked.

“Maybe.” I said.

“Is she happy?” He asked.

“Is Loki happy?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“Why?” I asked.

“I miss noona.” Tears welled up in his eyes.

“I’m sure noona misses you too. But noona would not want to see Loki upset, because noona loves you, remember?” I said.

He nodded, wiping away his tears.

“Will Loki see her again?” He asked.

“Who knows?” I said.

Loki and I stared up in the sky for a while. Are you happy, Minji ah?

“Not staying for dinner?” Haneul asked after we came back inside.

“Nah~ Not really hungry.” I said.

“But you got to eat something.” She said.

“I’m eating. Don’t worry.” I smiled, picking Minki up.

“Do you like… want to stay here? So I can help you take care of her while you get some sleep.” She said.

“No, Haneul. You’ve did more than enough. I don’t even know how to thank you. You don’t want to accept my money, you don’t want anything. You’re actually putting me in a really awkward position.” I said.

“Just think of it as I love kids, yea~ And besides, Minki’s not just anyone’s daughter. She’s yours and Minji’s.” She smiled.

“Thank you. I’ll see you tomorrow.” I patted her head.

“Loki,” I called out.

“Hmm?” He looked at me, still upset.

“Remember to be happy, okay?” I said.

He nodded.

“See you tomorrow Seungho ahjusshi and baby~” He waved.

Haneul and I laughed before I headed out. I put Minki in the car seat and secured her properly before heading back home.

“You turn one month in a week, sweetheart.” I said to Minki.

I turned to look at her. She was awake, but staring somewhere else.

“When are you going to start responding to me?” I asked, feeling pretty hurt.

The only problem I have with Minki is that my daughter hates me. Despite being only three weeks old, she responds well to everyone and everything, but me. She would smile and make noises when the boys or Haneul play with her, but she would stay all quiet and stare at me whenever I try to join in the fun, creating a really awkward atmosphere.

At home when there is just the two of us, I talk to her but all she does she stare at me. Even at night when she cries for milk, she would refuse it a few times when I try to feed her until perhaps she got really hungry and then drink it. When I change her diaper or bathe her, she would struggle as thou not wanting me to touch her. It at the fact the only time I can really hold my daughter is when she is in a deep sleep, oblivious to who is holding onto her.

I know I should not be holding a grudge against a baby, against my own daughter, but it is really hurting at times. I wish Minji was here, perhaps she would be able to make things better, just like how she does all the time. Minji, where are you? Are you well? I miss you so much. I cannot do this alone. I don't know if I can hold on any longer. Minji, I need you.