“Thorned Roses Under the Moonlit Shade”

By: parkyume

Reviewer: St-renaissance

1-Title: Usually, titles are a relevant indicator of prevalent themes in the story, it can also act as a point of foreshadowing in order to grasp the attention of readers. To be honest, the title does sound a bit cliché and each key-word in your title has already been exasperated on this platform. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean you should change anything; it means that there’s a lot of standards to meet and promises to fulfill. Now, on the more literary side of things, the phrase “Thorned Roses” speaks of dramatic beginnings of either character or plot; it hints to a rough start of things and that perhaps could be an excellent way to set off your story. The phrase “Under the Moonlit Shade” whispers of a sanctuary, that perhaps, two forces see the value in a certain area in your environment. It also casts a softer layer of romance on the title— I think I can even sense a more metaphorical value to all matters natural in your story.

Semantically speaking, the actual word structure is just as magical and suitable, because it reminds us that even though there are two elements here, the roses act as subordinates. The shade is in control of the rose’s growth and health. It governs the life-span of the roses and blocks the sunshine, forcing the rose’s prickles to grow softer and their stems greener, which makes them beautiful but vulnerable to predators.

Rating: 9/10.

2-Description: Ok, there’s a lot to dissect here, let’s start with the more concrete points in your synopsis. You’ve chosen to introduce your MC in a direct fashion, revealing his name, rank, stature, ual preference, and even his eventual temptations. Doing so can crowd the description and make it appear rushed and quite incoherent. We, as readers, should HEAR of the main character in a synopsis, not go spelunking in their personal life right off the bat; it really robs the character of so many opportunities where we can investigate further into their limits, abilities, and background.

The second point is that the secondly-introduced character is just as flimsy and rushed. You see, in romantic/ stories, the element of mystery is always beneficial to either character, not only does it offer an opportunity for characters to be brought together, it also prepares the characters to become more interactive with the environment/society. For example, we can learn that a character is a fan of car racing, let’s say if they don’t startle easily by louder noises. We can understand that a character grew up poor if they exhibit a wider range of patience and skill. We need the mystery because, without it, your character cannot react properly to the changing scenery or to their social sphere. Try not to include unnecessary details or facts about either character. Once you introduce the second character, try to introduce him within his own individual right, rather than have him be made a point of interest or the MC’s tourist attraction.

The third point is the actual phrasing and word-order; the paragraph, generally, lacks that coherent bond that makes a passage easily digestible. I still had to go back and read it several times to actually understand the value of each presented sentence. The solution is rather simple; you can go back and eliminate insignificant details, choose wiser and more literature-appropriate words. I beg of you, don’t refer to Yunho’s lovers as “bottoms” it’s really quite ridiculous! It weighs down the synopsis, nearly drowning it.

Rating: 5/10.

3-Plot: I had just started reading the story, and I already see a reoccurring issue within your writing. First, the story begins abruptly, there is no introduction, no easing in, it jumps into a conflict immediately and we’re left wondering who’s who, and what are we talking about. I understand that jumping into the-thick-of is quite a common move nowadays but, for the conflict to remain sensible, you can start by writing a Rising Action sequence. A pre- or a Rising Action will inevitably include both forces: Virtue and Vice, and it will briefly discuss the point of the conflict, the characters’ aims, and emotions. All of this, will set the scene for the conflict, meaning that the two characters at war (physically, metaphorically, or psychologically) will have a reason for the conflict, as well as providing YOU with enough material to weave an engaging event.

You’ve packed in as many dialogue pieces as you can within the first two chapters, and I’m not sure that’s a wise idea. Actually, conversation and dialogue are very important to you as a writer, and to the development of the characters. But if your story had just begun, characters had just been introduced, then I don’t think you should splurge on the dialogue; only properly-introduced characters can yield a sustainable conversation. If you had just introduced your characters and they’ve been limited to a social setting (crowds, audience, busy surroundings) it’s best to employ an omniscient narrative and stay clear of the dialogue.

There really is no plot here to review; the story immediately jumps into an scene which, quite frankly, confused me. You must remember that we don’t know who these people are, we haven’t been properly introduced to the characters; they lack all functional aspects and continue to just babble on aggressively. I suggest that you go back and initiate your story with properly-introduced characters. The Foreword won’t do on its own.

Again, there’s really no plot here, just a very long—and quite confusing scene. This won’t do, you must set the story right, and any environmental aspects would help you build better characters. After all, it’s their world; you must build conventional settings for your characters in order to have the opportunity to perform better and more convincingly. Let’s try to set the place and time before you start writing anything else, you wouldn’t get a hamster without a hamster cage, would you? So, we must build a world for these characters to flourish in before we build the actual characters. Doing so will prevent you from relying too much on the readers’ imagination.

Aristotle once wrote that the soul of the plot is the underlying incidents of matter; meaning that there must be a series of events that lead up to the , and another series to come down from the . An event, whether minor or major, needs to occur within a specific sphere of Time and Place, otherwise, it wouldn’t make much sense. You’re writing a historical romance/a story, before writing anything, you must put yourself in that mindset, that-once-upon-a-time, there was this and that mind-set. Based on the characters’ names and attire, I’m assuming the story is set in Dynastic Korea; it doesn’t help us, considering that’s a timeline of 17 centuries.

Take a break from cliché scenes, and bring your character to life by giving them a name (not a title uttered redundantly), physical description, traits, abilities, goals, dreams, flaws, mistakes, false knowledge. Anything to suggest that they might be human rather than -crazed Maenads.

Try to focus on a certain time period and location, once you’ve done that, you can begin experimenting with different environmental, social, and traditional elements. For example, cuisine, political hierarchy, military affairs, or even the botanical aspects of Korea. You could really benefit from learning so much about those areas and applying that knowledge to your story. I understand that your plot is mainly focused on the ual chemistry between men, but including a little variety in your story would help it appear more open and alive. As I’m reading it, I feel quite suffocated and claustrophobic because we barely see anything of the outside world; the characters are confined to a couple of rooms with neither the indication