“Sweet Serial Killer”

By: Ystar16

Reviewer: St-renaissance

1-Title: Your story is undoubtedly represented by two factors: title and description⁠—cover and synopsis for physical books. The title of your story will always either attract or repel readers, so before choosing a title make sure that it embodies the plot and reflects its most important elements; so titles with dates, numbers, few punctuation marks or longer titles in general might backfire. “Sweet Serial Killer” definitely implies the presence of a con character, leading antagonist and how they’re perceived by either society or protagonist. It hints to a dramatic journey of emotionally-led decisions. Nothing major to change.

Rating: 10/10.

2-Description: The synopsis is definitely interesting, though a bit on the longer side; it has a nice hook to it. There are a few repetitive phrases with redundant meaning, for example, the phrase “The light in his eyes was quickly put out as he already knew he had nothing to live for” carries the same literary weight of the previous sentence and impress upon your readers an idea which had already been presented; a failure in retrieving happiness and the grim realisation that there’s no redemption, which deliberately leads to retribution.

Also, the phrase “As these emotions of love and hate become blurred to him and lead to a succession of corrupt, violent, and immoral behaviour, his sociopathic nature emerges.” Could easily be removed as it doesn’t really provide any new ideas, it only investigates deeper into already-explored psychological elements. Since it only goes deeper into one idea, you could save it up for the Prologue if you’ve got one. The phrase following the one above immediately fills the reader in on how the main character has progressed psychologically and emotionally; when you mention that he’ll explore unspeakable extremes, this completely negates the behavioural details mentioned in the previous phrase. I suggest that you remove the two phrases highlighted above.

Rating: 7/10.

3-Plot: The story opens up with an introduction to the main character using the third-person POV, which is safe to say, the most commonly used narrative in fiction writing. We’re faced with an exchange of dialogue between two characters, then the story proceeds with a glimpse into the main character’s domestic life and financial situation; mentioning of minor characters is definitely early but not in vain as it adds depth to the character’s life in terms of explaining the current motive and aims.

Upon first inspection, money seems to be a relevantly significant theme in your story. But, from the characterisation point of view, it appears as a hollow motive to excuse the character’s future behavioural nature. Use the first chapter wisely; introductory chapters could make or break your story, don’t pack paragraphs over paragraphs of descriptive narration or boring details instead, use the first chapters to grasp the reader’s attention and design the POV. You can set the scene and environment, introduce main and necessary minor characters Don’t tell us, show us!

You don’t need to narrate a paragraph of 2000 words to tell us how the MC feels about his life and how he reacts to the past. Instead, show us how the character treats life and opportunities, how the character interprets environmental factors, and their reaction to situations and people. You could easily edit out all unnecessary details about the Mother’s substance abuse and unhealthy relationships by simply mentioning that aspect of her life; gradually, you’ll have a lot more freedom and flexibility with your narration as the story progresses, don’t feel pressured to include all details regarding all characters.

There are a few questions that pop into mind upon reading the first chapter: What is the importance of the financial theme in this story? Is it applicable to the main events throughout the story or is it merely a motive? What is the actual financial situation of the main character? Why would the MC discard actual food when he’s been described as very poor? Why does the MC choose to attend dance lessons when they can’t afford a $2.99 jar of jam or a $3 stick of butter?

Why did you reward a newly introduced minor character with an independent narrative? During the second chapter, you’ve decided to pin the narrative on a flat character that we haven’t really gotten to know yet and carries no significant weight since it was just introduced in the last chapter. A protagonist must be significantly “text-based” in literature; it’s not deserving of a narrative or a POV if their presence is premature or rare. Basically, if your character isn’t the main protagonist, then a narrative must be earned rather than given, as it is with the gradual introduction of characters, a non-lead character (minor/major) can be focused on using the narrative if it has been humanised and naturally woven into the storyline. When it comes down to narrative and perspective, your readers will eventually determine whether this character is influential enough to be recognised as the main focus. You own the solution to this problem, go back to your first chapter, and study how you’ve taken the time to get us acquainted with Jisu