A few weeks ago, I was chosen to be a judge of the Head To Head writing contest, established by -Tigress- .

Contestants: 

Hamsterboo "The First and Last Time" & -Tigress- "The Ribbon of Fate"

The prompt chosen was "Compare a couple's first and last time", both authors gave it their absolute best and I had an enjoyable time reviewing either work. Here are the complete reviews and points earned by both authors.

(1)

“The First and Last Time”

By: Hamsterboo.

Reviewer: St-renaissance.

1-Title: Usually titles have a primary role in literary works as they signify either a personal experience or a general theme. Readers are bound to judge a story by its title or at least seek a first impression before giving the story the opportunity to be read. “The First and Last Time” has two important elements that I can observe immediately: Time and transformation. Applying time-related words suggests an active pace, meaning that the speed of the narration is quite important; emphasising the element of time in your story can be controlled by how you decide to employ the narrative. For example, a title such as “Once Upon a Time” can mean that the pace of your story is dependent on how slowly or quickly the narrator tells the story. As for the element of transformation; the will eventually accentuate a character’s transformation regardless of its nature (psychological, physical, spiritual).

It sounds like a promising title, it holds a story and that is valuable in the case of suspense. It has a hint of romance and adventure and I think that is most suitable for this platform. The length and weight of the title suggest that it might be on the shorter side; past and present, before and after. Simple and efficient!

Rating: 10/10.

2-Description: The description is pretty simple, one info point after the other. The title is self-explanatory and announces the point of the story rather efficiently; so there’s no point in lengthening the description if it simply rephrases what the title entails. There could be a little more information regarding the main characters rather than the minor characters but you can always expand character ark in the actual story.

Rating: 8/10.

3-Plot: The very basic pillars we focus on when it comes to storytelling are: Introduction, rising action, , and resolution. As long as you’ve got those elements, you can basically add in any other events such as: Fillers, sub-plots, open conclusion and whatnot. First, we must focus on the setting of the story, this helps your readers assign traits to the characters and even draw conclusions from the simplest of details such as the temperature, location, political climate, agriculture, etc. I’m afraid your narrator neglects all aspects of environmental details and jumps into the story right away, it wouldn’t hurt to add in background fluff and environmental details just to familiarise the reader with the scenery and the way your characters react/adapt to it. The general pace of the story is quite rushed, that might not be the best way to do it if you’re looking to extract a catharsis or an emotional response from your readers; romantic stories require diligence and sustenance. Take your time with your story; allow it to fully bake before jumping from one event to the other, doing so might translate well if you’re looking to develop romantic aspects. You’ve used the third-person point of view and managed to maintain it throughout, so that’s a plus. Usually, the third-person narrative is most suitable for shorter stories because it offers a generalised glimpse into the characters’ lives without the danger of becoming biased or unjust. Let’s talk about your use of language; you’ve used a simple or colloquial language (commonly applied to Realist or post-modern literary works). However, I like to focus on three elements when it comes to the use of language: Speech correctness, effectiveness and clearness are the basic criteria for a story’s excellence.

Speech correctness is seen throughout the story, the grammar use is neat and sensible, and there aren’t any visible errors or syntactic misplacement. The use of punctuation can use some enhancement as long as you understand that they’re on your side to make your story and narration interesting and lively. Speech clearness is definitely observed throughout the story, as long as you maintain the same language and refrain from switching POVs and narratives, it’d be easier to understand a character’s intentions and motives. Lastly, speech effectiveness can definitely use some enhancements considering the fact that your story relies on romantic elements such as memories, love, relationships, and spiritual transformation. In order to create an emotional bond with the reader, your use of language has to be a little more exciting; metaphors, layering, imagery, poetry, comparison, simile, and whatnot, can enhance your story. The language used here is very basic and monotonous in tone which makes it easy to predict the next sentence and even dims the shine of .

Rating: 22/30.

4-Character Development: There are two main characters here, Yongguk and Seungah. Each have a signature past and significant set of trait, however, those traits and development are not seen whatsoever. I could switch their names and pronouns and they can pass as some other characters and you really want your characters to stand out. Here’s where it gets a bit tricky, your story has elements of Romanticism (past, memories, relationships, inner monologues) and the characterisation under such genre means that your characters can be a little passive or underhanded. So, what can you do to help signify your characters? Go back to the root of the problem, that is being their construction, and build a fixed set of traits belonging to each character. For example, you can assign traits based on a character’s occupation and vice versa; Seungah can be the efficient, robust, and intellectual woman met with a free-spirited, passionate, and daring man. However, we hear nothing of your characters’ traits because you’ve focused too much on the events rather than the characterisation. Can I make a suggestion? I think it’d help emphasise Seungah’s persona if you’d accentuate the stark difference between her character and her brother’s. By doing so, we as the audience, can understand the emotional range of her character such as her intellectual ability, temperament, and even intentions/motives embodying dialogues.

Yongguk’s character is unfortunately just as flat, however, we can fix this! First, let’s understand what makes one character a suitable protagonist. There are few characteristic molds that you can build your protagonist around: Round and dynamic; round characters are usually open with the audience, have their traits laid out for them and are prone to sustainable dialogues and speech (monologues, soliloquy). The rounder the character, the more involved they are with their surroundings and events, so considering that your story falls under the Romanticist genre, don’t be afraid to include your characters and illustrate their role, opinions, or reaction to any environmental aspects. However, dynamic characters can start out reserved, secluded, mysterious, and develop throughout the story.

Your characters are built quickly and clumsily because you haven’t focused on the construction and roles of either character, and that’s a mistake which may cause you to fail in forming a connection between the audience and characters. See, when we attempt to build a leading character, we must understand that its effect on the audience is irrevocable, so a suitable set of emotional and intellectual traits can help assign a character and thus develop throughout the story. Your story features events from the past, so it would be interesting to view the process of how one character came to be, for example, hot-tempered, judgmental, broken or depressed. You’ve focused too much on the events and not enough on the dialogue of both characters, try to experiment with how they talk and how they choose to play with words; wittiness, mindfulness, hesitation, are some of the many traits which can be observed by other characters without the interruption of narratives.

Rating: 12/20.

5-Overall Impression: The grammatical and syntactic health of your story is fairly well, no observable errors or misplacement of punctuation marks. The poster and background are very pretty and the clearness and size of font are relatively suitable.

Rating: 5/5.

Total: 57/75.