"Forgiveness”

By: MochiOppa

Reviewer: St-renaissance

1-Title: When we write a Romantic story, we usually keep in mind a couple of criteria for titles, they must be: meaningful, reminiscent, and realistic (ties into the surrounding environment) obviously, you’re not obliged to abide by those criteria, but Romantic stories are usually signified by how personal a title can be. “Forgiveness” sounds romantic and it definitely entails an emotional journey either between two people, or with one’s self. It’s not original by any means; I’ve actually reviewed a couple of stories before with similar titles so you may have a lot to prove. The word Forgiveness promises an upturn of event, a spiritual or emotional transformation of a significant character, and how they shall reflect on past decisions; the must be carried out strategically and with purpose.

Rating: 9/10.

2-Description: Ok, the description is all over the place, you need to rewrite it into something coherent. The purpose of the description is to offer an exciting synopsis of your work to draw readers in; avoidance of relying on popular characters can help improve the quality of feedback you’ll receive. Quotes and lyrics can be used in prologues and introductory chapters, but I suggest that you don’t use them in the description—it’s confusing, really. Also, don’t try to include secondary characters’ names in the description; it’s a place to set the time and place, mention the protagonist and set aims or goals. You can play with quotes, lyrics, secondary characters, or impressions in the Foreword or prologue.

There are few grammatical issues and misplacement of punctuation signs, so let’s see what you can fix during Editing:

1-The first phrase “hyung please don’t leave me....etc” should be “Hyung, please, don’t leave me!”

The first letter of any word should always be capitalised, commas are placed between statements or words that coherently link up but inflict different impressions. The phrase “Don’t leave me!” is an imperative sentence (order/command) which means it must be followed by an exclamation point.

2-The second phrase contains the first person singular pronoun “ I ”which is usually capitalised.

3-Names should also be capitalised, eg. “Taehyung”.

-Avoid leaving hundreds of ellipses and stick with the traditional “...” to imply suspense.

Please rewrite this description and include what you want your readers to know about the story without giving away too much, employ suspense, catharsis, wordplay, whatever you can to make it interesting because let me tell you this, a synopsis is half the book!

Rating: 2/10.

3-Plot: Introduction is usually the place for you, the writer, to set the scene (time and place) and introduce the main characters. Lay the foundation of your story, accentuate what’s important, and try to illustrate the surrounding environment carefully in order for your readers to paint the picture beautifully. Language is important—semantics, syntax, and pragmatics are the core of the language, and if you have bad grammar, you need to learn before you write a story to avoid repelling everyone who struggles to understand the plot. There are a lot of grammatical errors in your story and the syntactic structure is completely unsound. The sentences are short and clunky, the phrasing is inappropriate and random, and the placement of figurative devices is also awkward and repetitive. There’s really no other way to say this, but if the English language isn’t your strong point, try to write a story after you’ve had the proper training in grammar and creative writing. I don’t know whether English is your first language or whether it’s an acquired language, but you have to rewrite this story after training and studying grammar. English isn’t my first language either but I can tell by the placement of word order in your narration, that English isn’t your first language and I think you should try to improve yourself in the grammar department before publishing. Actually, writing can be an excellent way to learn grammar and practice coherent discourse but don’t rush to publish anything before you’ve acquired basic knowledge of Grammar and Syntax.

You’ve used the third-person narrative and most characters have no solitary point of view. However, there are multiple occasions where you’ve mixed between your own personal ideas and opinions with the voice of narration. There must be a definite distinction between the narrative’s voice and your voice as the writer; this is why we employ the Omniscient Narrative in order to obtain a general view over the entire plot.

Let’s talk about the settings in your story, time and place are important and can influence your characters beautifully; according to an article titled Neighborhood Poverty and Maternal Fears of Children’s Outdoor Play written by Rachel Tolbert Kimbro and Ariela Schachte for NCBI, children, and teens in poverty casually seek entertainment outside and yet are prevented from doing so due to high crime rate in poorer areas. It would serve your characters efficiently if you were to illustrate how the environment can influence your character’s motive and behaviour; areas with concentrated poverty have several characteristics that can help paint a more concrete image of your MC’s surroundings.

Your story is long and there is a frequent exchange of dialogue between characters, in order to assure sensible trading of information, the characters must have a reason behind speaking or asserting an opinion; this is the natural outcome of the consistent psychological and emotional pattern. There are many factors that give your story a more flavourful touch to it: unique pieces of dialogue (monologue/soliloquy) can be an excellent method of transferring underlying meaning to avoid relying too much on the narration, which you have done repeatedly before.

The pace of your story is rushed considering that we are working with intricate transformation of character here; a motive isn’t developed overnight, shifting of character takes a while and it better makes sense, otherwise, your character’s motive will not be believable and thus, imme