“Immortals Rock!”

By: Sylviaplant.

Reviewer: Gtoprenaissance.

1-Title: The title is a bit questionable; it doesn’t entail any seriousness and it produces this story as one which might not offer every element of literary prose. I understand this title if it’s a representation of your vision, but you must understand that a title will either present your story as interesting or as a mediocre spin-off of every fantastical story that’s been published on this platform. I do recommend either changing it entirely into something more serious and profound or at least adding a sub-title, because Immortals Rock on its own is meek and passive.

Rating: [6/10].

2-Description/Foreword: The description does indeed present a slight glimpse into the plot-line but it’s too vague to be interpreted correctly; I was left with way too many questions after reading the description than I originally had before clicking on the story. The beginning of the description is brilliant; leave that in, start reconsidering the structure after the phrase “with no past to define him,” the rest is vague and appears poorly composed.

Rating: [7/10].

3-Plot: Right, before writing any story, the author must work by three elements: Point of narration, narrative tense, and a general plot. By choosing the first-person narrative point of view, the readers are offered a personal glimpse into the character; it’s a more intimate experience of telling the story, so it mustn’t be rushed. Your story begins with a strenuous pace, nearly too rushed to be fathomable, this must be changed if you wish to add a sensible degree of profundity. This issue can be easily fixed by allowing the main character to express every emotion and thought and illustrate in which method it benefits the health of the scene or event. Here’s another issue, as we’ve established, the description is vague and so is the beginning of the story; that’s a huge turn-off. If the beginning is confusing then the possibility of fathoming the rest of the chapter is going to decrease.

I’m going to be nitpicky around here, but it’s all for the security of your writing. Avoid phrases such as “I have sharp eyes myself,” because these phrases work as a connective agent between the character in question and yourself as an author, and it doesn’t benefit the characterization very well. You see, when building the main character in a story that uses the first-person narrative, you cannot interpret your own emotions and thoughts through a character because doing so will result in similarities between every character you build. If you wish to describe the character’s physical appearance, then it needs to be indirect and elicited by the environment or chain of events. For example, if the character is contemplating age or going down memory lane, then describing grey hairs or wrinkles is valid. When the character is describing the weather, it can produce the advised mentioning of sunburns, goosebumps, frostbite, or skin discoloration. Direct description of the physical appearance of the main character can also be done by another character using a different POV. The story is pretty much void, there is