“Disconnected”

By: Yhyunah

Reviewer: Gtoprenaissance.

First of all, allow me to begin this review by apologising for taking too long to complete it, I had some unexpected personal issue which has kept me occupied for quite a while. I hope this doesn’t reflect negatively on the shop’s general appearance, it was my own fault and not my co-author's. I’m very sorry and I hope you find this review helpful.

1-Title: Though the title is a bit on the generic side, I think it serves the story in a decent way. However, your audience must read through the description and Foreword section just to truly understand the title as an initiative to your story. This might not be the case with some readers who tend to overlook such a crucial aspect of a writer’s work, but to have an intriguing title with a melodious ring serves up half the publication effort. Your audience must be drawn to your story for starters. Some authors refuse to change the title and, as a contemporary alternative, choose to model an intriguing and well-designed cover to draw the audience into properly clicking and reading.

Rating: [7/10].

2-Description/Foreword: The description portion might be a little too long to keep the readers interested enough to click on the story, try to shorten the portion by at least one paragraphs so you can still keep your readers interested without having to give out way too much of any initiative information that can be used wisely in your first chapter. As for the Foreword portion, I’m afraid it’s a common misconception to directly quote from your chapters without having an introductory description first. I think the description portion is useful but quite long and could ruin the element of suspense throughout the first chapter, the foreword is too long, again, shorten it. There are few grammatical and syntactical mistakes that can be re-edited really quickly without affecting the natural layout of your story.

Rating: [7/10].

3-Plot: Right, so the beginning is very interesting, though it is lead directly by a First-Person narrative, it manages to capture the reader’s interest for quite a while. However, when writing a story that has more than one supernatural element to it, avoid direct illustration of any of those elements in the early stages; otherwise, your story will come off as predictable and boring. For example: Instead of writing about how the character saw a figure in the window in the first chapter, dedicate this chapter for any necessary information that could help the readers understand what’s going on because you can’t depend on the description/foreword to do that sufficiently. You need more environmental illustration beginning with the weather, temperature, and city sounds; saying that the character pulled his jacket tighter to protect himself from the cold weather cannot suffice as an adequate description. The horror aspect of your story did not show whatsoever –initially- because you’ve neglected to take the needed time and carefully draw your audience into the concept of suspense; try to work this element into your chapter without being heavily fixated on it.

There’s nearly no worrisome momentum in your first chapter because the minute you create suspense, you immediately suspend it by giving the readers a quick answer, this can leave your audience feeling disappointed and your story anti-climactic. Allow me to propose a suggestion, begin your first chapter from the start, avoid placing the character in the designated local and scene immediately; this will leave your readers with many questions in their minds, such as: “Why is this place important?” “Why this character and not the other one?” “What’s the story behind this place?” By depending on previously explained information as a lead for the main event of the story, your chapter will evidently lose its traditional value as a ground for laying the primal information and backgrounds. Second suggestion is, inform your readers as to what genre of connective relation that this character has with this place (Haunted mansion). This place or location must conceive an emotional effect upon the lead character, if the place is of significant importance, then it must have an irrevocable set of consequences which must be detailed by you as an author.

When explaining a character’s thoughts or monologue, avoid using quotation marks and replace them with apostrophes instead, otherwise, your audience might misinterpret a character’s monologue for a dialogue. Even though I’m only through the fourth chapter, I think I can diagnose the chronic problem within yo