“Trapped (In the head)”

By: Mjup10969

Reviewer: Gtoprenaissance.

1-Title: For a one-shot, the title isn’t bad, it’s not special but when provided with a description, foreword and perhaps a poster, it wouldn’t sound as generic. There’s a considerably large amount of expectations carried alongside titles hinting of a psychological/emotional illnesses, if the title is merely figurative, then your audience must be alerted of such detail so it wouldn’t feel mislead.

Rating: [6/10].

2-Description/Foreword: I won’t rate you for this portion, but I figured maybe I can supply you with a number of methods and ways which might come in handy whenever you decide to write this story and complete it.

First, try to write a description that’s interesting enough to secure an audience that’s interested in the genre in which your story falls under, if your story falls under the category of Historical Fiction, try to intrigue the readers of that category, don’t get greedy and attempt to make it general or overly relatable. Second, avoid long descriptions and don’t quote directly from your story and make it a description, it’s a common mistake and it makes your story appear predictable and thus, boring!

3-Plot: Right, so the story begins smoothly, it’s always wise to begin a story using scenery description of the environment, whether it’s an exclusive location (house, room, or any significant building) or an open location (streets, ocean, or whatever city this story takes place). However, I’ve noticed a common flaw within your writing which is the insensible use of Refrain (a regularly recurring phrase or verse especially at the end of each stanza or division of a poem or song); in your very first paragraph, you’ve used the nouns: illuminate, blue, and light twice, that’s an exaggeration of words without them producing an effective meaning. Try to use different synonyms but make sure that they’re semantically compatible.

Regarding the general layout of the story, I’m sure the document you’ve sent doesn’t conclude the final appearance of this story; don’t include paragraphs that carry chronological introductions (paragraphs beginning with timestamps) with the preceding paragraphs, leave a considerable space between these paragraphs. Even though this is a one-shot, try to add in more details to each monumental event we encounter as readers; for example, the scene where the protagonist sends an email to her boyfriend can be used as provider for any background information that’ll supply a deeper foundation to this relationship/friendship, because it’s always better to remind your readers of what’s going on, nothing too detailed or direct, you can test your reader’s intelligence by dropping hints and clues so perhaps they can connect the dots; if you do decide to do this, make sure to not be too vague and unclear regarding the plotline otherwise it’ll negatively affect its value.

The story in itself is not bad, it’s interesting enough but it’s not sturdy enough to be used as a one-shot, maybe with the right kind of editing it’ll work as an introductory chapter. It does fall under the category of Contemporary American literature (or post-modern literature), this makes the role of environmental detailing very crucial and important. The story began very directly, and it’s insensibly rushed; slow down, write in more information and details regarding the location which the character occupies, and most importantly, there has to be an agenda; why did you write this story and what is it about? Without filling in those blanks, your story will go aimlessly and won’t hold onto any significant design.

Here’s the thin