Love is not timed or monitored. When it comes, it comes.

Is it possible to set aside your feelings for someone or stop whatever it is that you’re feeling for him/her from getting stronger and deep?

I don’t know, but I haven’t met someone who was able to succeed in forgetting the person they love so much that didn’t hurt and went through hell just to move on from it. Maybe it’s really normal. Pain is inevitable in love that all we can do is accept and endure it like when we fall from a bicycle during our younger years.

Actually, love can be compared to riding a bicycle. When we’re young, all we want is to learn how to ride that cool two wheeled thing then convince our parents to buy us one and once we already have it, we’ll get disappointed because instead of having two wheels, we have four, not knowing that it’s going to prevent us from falling and that it will be removed once we’re good riding already. Of course kids will be kids, stubbornness will bring us to danger. One day you’ll wake up feeling like you already know how to ride and will ask your father to remove your training wheels and have a meltdown that will make him agree and follow you, and when he’s done removing the two extra wheels, your ’s already wiggling because of excitement, you jumped on it right away without even gearing up, and when you thought that you already have everything handled, you’ll slowly lose your balance and fall right to the ground. Unless you’re bicycling around a marbled floor, you’ll get hurt and scratch your knees or elbows, you’ll get a couple of wounds that bleeds like there’s no tomorrow then you’ll realize how stupid you are for pushing yourself to something you’re not sure of and even if you also have this thought that it can hurt you, you still go for it.

In love, we started wanting it then we try our very best to learn it, we’ll find a prospect to try and apply whatever we have learned but get disappointed because there are some people who will always have something to say, we’ll think that they’re just envious or just don’t want us to be happy, then wake up one day feeling like we don’t need these people going through our business which will end with us not listening to them even if we pretty much know that they have some point and whatever they’re saying is going to help us. Once you decide to not listen to any of them, you will absorb yourself with the thought of “falling in-love and wanting to love” that you will jump into it right away without even thinking if you can really handle and manage it. At first, things will go smooth and all of a sudden, will happen, making us fall badly. And unlike your fall from the bicycle, this will hurt more than a couple of wounds and will last for the longest time, you will bleed more than you imagined to the point that will make you realize how stupid you are for pushing yourself to love somebody and merely squeezing yourself into something that you know and you’re not sure of what’s going to happen right after.

But then again, love is love, no matter how we compare it to some things and no matter how hard it is to deal with, at the end of the day, our hearts will still beat for someone, we’ll risk everything for it and go stupid just because of it.

We can’t time love. We can’t tell our hearts not to beat for that someone. It’s like being Jacob Black of the famous Twilight series who imprinted on Bella. We’re already hurting but can’t do anything for when we love someone, we love someone and nothing else matters. Difference is, we’re not characters in a book that are whimsical, we are real people who deal with love that is not written beautifully.

It’s another day and I’m still trashed like hell. What I did nights ago is totally crazy that no matter how I comfort and tell myself that everything is going to be fine, I can’t convince the “stupid me” to believe it.

There are a lot of things in my mind and the worse is that I cannot handle each one of them even if I’m dying to do so. I’m done with blaming myself for being a total for getting jealous that result me to drown myself in alcohol. All I can do is cry and regret the I’ve done and all the crap that I’ve said.

“You’re not yet done with torturing yourself because of that incident?” Karla asked on the phone.

I sighed heavily “Not yet…actually…I don’t think I can get over this”

She smirked “Why am I not even surprised that you did that when I’m so convinced that you will not even tell him about your feelings even if he tortures you?”

Well that’s what everybody thinks. Both Karla and Seunghyun are on the same page, thinking that I’ll forever shut my mouth and not talk about my love for Jiyong because I can and I’m good in hiding it. What they didn’t know is that, I also snap, worse is, I snapped in the wrong place, at the wrong time.

“I don’t know…maybe I already reached my limit” I answered.

“You know what? There’s no need for you to regret anymore because it already happened…you can’t bring the past back and change things that you don’t want…your only choice is to move forward and forget your stupidity” she said, making it sound so easy.

If only I can just do that. But no, I can’t, and it’s really frustrating because I really don’t know what to do with my life anymore.

OK. Maybe to some I’m too shallow and petty for I’m being affected so much by my sudden “drunk confession” that will not happen if I didn’t lose myself that night, but if you’re in my shoes, if you only felt how jealous I am while watching him smooch and get mushy with another girl, you will do the same just for you not to hurt during that time.

“How can I not regret what I did when it’s seriously and definitely stupid? Just imagine…that girl…” I stopped midway while thinking of the name of Jiyong’s new girl “Ah! That Siti…is there…and then I just exploded like a timed bomb…talking crap in front of her….that’s really embarrassing”

Karla chuckled “It’s not! C’mon Rae…what you did is really amazing coz not all girls can do that…not even when they’re dead drunk”

I rolled my eyes then sighed heavily “I really don’t know what to do even if I know I should be do