The way the fans had screamed for us when we opened the concert, you would've thought it was the first Kpop concert in Chicago. 

Oh wait...

It wasn't hugely different from the concert we'd had in Beijing. The biggest difference was really that almost all of the songs were entirely in English. I opened with "Black Magic," and then the music changed to SuJu's introduction while I disappeared from stage. Back down below, I pulled my outfit off, disregarding the tech people also running around down there. They were doing their job, I was doing mine. There was no need to be shy. Nor any time.

I discarded my black sorceress costume and pulled on my next change. A close-fitting golden tank top. Tight black pants. Then a pair of truly fantastic black, high-heeled boots, fitting nicely over the curves of my calves. Then, untuck my hair from underneath the tank top. Slide on the leather jacket for the finish, and let one of the costume hands pin up my hair.

I listened carefully to the music above me. At the moment, we were at Kangin's part in the second verse. "I do not have any more words-- it is really just you. And it's too late for me and now, it is really just you..."

They were still in the middle of the English version of "It's You". Which, incidentally, was written by me. And was reported to be the second most popular song on their album, after "Paper Wall." I'd always liked "It's You." It was one of my all-time favorites.

I still had time. I wouldn't have to be on until after they performed "Sorry Sorry", something they would do while in the big cities, but not in the smaller, more private concerts. And then then it was "No Place for Weeping," a track from my own album that was more rock than pop, which would automatically turn into an exhausting performance of Cascada's "Evacuate the Dance Floor". Which you think would be unpleasant for me, considering I'm not that great of a dancer, but actually, I loved it. My choreographer had done a good job of teaching me, and it was especially fun when Eunhyuk and Donghae came out for the rap part, and then the rest of the members came out for a dorky free-for-all.

And the audience must have liked it, too, because they were still cheering, even after I'd gone backstage. And not because the guys had started performing, because it was a long time before I heard the music to "Paper Wall" beating down through the stage.

"I'll take this chance for happiness.
With you I feel like I could fly.
Precious moments being near you-
Can't help but smile as you walk by.

But on the inside, I'm dying,
While next to you, I'm flying.
It feels so wrong--
Soon I'll be gone...
because this moment can't last...

I'm clinging to a paper wall-
holding tight as it tears,
and soon it'll fall.
I'll take the time in my hands
and spend it with you.
It's a short, burning flame,
and I don't know what to do.

So I hold onto these moments,
though I don't know how long.
I'm too happy
to let anything go wrong.
'Cause I'm tough-
and they don't know how strong."

I smiled as I listened to it, hearing the roar of the audience. I'd wrote that song when I was certain that I would lose them all someday, someday soon. Now that the wall wasn't paper, I didn't have to hold on so tightly.

"Don't be too happy.
Don't forget, my time is short.
It'll end, and I'll be destroyed,
always, always wishing for more."

I listened to the rap part as I pulled my stockings on and slid a pretty, flowy white dress on, ready for my next piece. I bit my lip a little, feeling slightly guilty. I wasn't much of a rap writer, so it was fairly short, just barely long enough for Eunhyuk, Shindong, and Henry to each get lines in.

"This fear of it all coming crashing down
pushes the joy deep into the ground.
Somehow, please, help me make it last.
this joy, this dream...

Afraid of letting go,
afraid someday you'll know-
how afraid I am of losing you...
because men aren't supposed to.

I'm clinging to a paper wall,
holding tight as it tears
and soon it'll fall.
I'll take the time in my hands and spend it with you.
It's a short, burning flame,
and I don't know what to do.

So I hold onto these moments,
though I don't know how long.
I'm too happy
to let anything go wrong...
'Cause I'm tough,
and they don't know how strong~"

I shivered, unable to stop smiling at the wonderful K.R.Y. vocals. Yes, you read that right. K.R.Y vocals. We hadn't originally intended to, but Yesung had worked so hard to learn the song, despite being handicapped for not being there for English lessons, we just had to let him sing. I listened closer, letting the song sink in. Yesung in the background, notes on the recording originally sung by Ryeowook, but now Ryeowook had joined Kyuhyun in the melody.

"I don't want this time to end,
so I'll hold tight to you.
Take these laughs,
and let me live it through...

While I cling to this paper wall,
hold me tight before it tears,
and don't let me fall.
Take the time in your hands and let me spend it with you.
It's a short, burning flame,
but we can see it through.
Hold on to these moments with me,
though I can't say how long,
I'm too happy
to let anything go wrong.
'cause we're tough,
and they don't know how strong."

The original music video had been given a storyline with each member having his own "paper wall" story. Each a different problem, each a different girl. One had a terminal illness that threatened to pull him away each day. One was preparing to move to a different country, leaving the girl behind... it went on like that. But they ended happily. Like the song.

 When the song ended and the only ones to remain onstage were Heechul and Shindong, doing an extremely embarassing performance of Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball", which, fortunately, did not include sitting on a wrecking ball. Which, I admit, I had imagined immediately when they'd announced they were going to perform that song. The resulting image had both amused me and terrified me.

"You okay?" I looked up to see Zhou Mi leaning against the wall next to me, chugging down a bottle of water. 

"Who, me? What do you mean?"

"I don't know... this entire tour, you've been a little... distant," he replied, hesitating a little.

"I've been trying to relax my grip a little on you guys. You know, give you guys some space. After all, you are all a lot older than me. I'm just trying to keep everything professional. You know, the way it's supposed to be."

A stage hand came running up to come remind me that I needed to be in place soon, and I had to head off for my entrance before I could hear Zhou Mi's response. Not that he should talk. He'd been acting pretty coldly to me, too. That was the most he'd really said to me since New York, and that's saying a lot.

By the time we all were grabbing hands and ending the concert with a 90-degree bow, I was thoroughly soaked in sweat, exhausted, and ready to collapse. the only thing keeping me from fainting was the roar of the fans. As I stood up from the bow, still loosely holding on to Henry and Zhou Mi's hands, I looked out over the crowd, skimming over the sea of light sticks. They weren't quite the sea we'd seen in Korea or China- the lightsticks thing wasn't quite as iconic in America- but it was still enough of an indicator for me.

It reminded me a little bit of sunrise over the ocean. Blue water, marked with sparkles of gold. If I concentrated, I could picture it. Sunrise over an ocean. Splashes of gold blended with waves of blue.  Still mostly blue, but that's okay. The sun hadn't quite come up yet.

When I felt Zhou Mi's hand slip out of my grip, I dismissed it as a signal to finally leave the stage, and used the free hand to wave to the audience, feeding off of their energy. And they screamed louder, blissfully in my own language. Because we were in my country. My Oppas might have had the stage for longer than me, but this wasn't their home. It was mine. And there were some things about it they would never learn without someone to show them.

So I was there. But mostly, it'd be fun to watch them try and take it all in. Because as soon as this concert was over, we were taking a bus up to the Badger State. America's Dairyland. The Frozen Tundra. Wisconsin.

Home.

We took a tour bus up from Chicago to my town. Personally, I was exhausted, but the guys seemed to have even more energy than ever. They feed off of fan energy, I'm fairly sure. I didn't know how they did it yet, but I was figuring it out. 

Because while I was sitting in my seat, ready to pass out, Heechul was jumping up and down to the song beating through the bus, singing at the top of his lungs, not caring how terrible he sounded. Then suddenly he was next to me, saying, "Sing with me, Queen Be!" It took me a second to recognize the song as "Thirty Point Buck." And then I started laughing. They didn't even have any idea what that song meant, did they?

"Did ya see da tirdy-pointer?!" I yelled, in time with the music. And then I had to explain that hunting season was in the fall, and this was summer. So they were a bit off. Although admittedly, deer hunting season was a strong tradition in Wisconsin. 

But soon enough, I was already starting to drift off, despite the cacaphony of sound all around me.

I woke up when the bus came to a complete stop, finding myself covered by a soft, thick blanket. I didn't know who'd put it on me- everyone was asleep except our driver. Even Jung Ah and Manager Kim were snoozing quite well. At least until the driver got up and shook them awake.

I threw the blanket off and stood up, jamming my face against the glass of the window next to the sign that Henry and Donghae had finished and put up on the window, to try to see through. Were we there?! My hometown? I couldn't tell. It was still too dark outside.

I turned around and went over to Jung Ah, who turned when she saw me coming, still a little bleary-eyed. "We're in your town, Minsung. Tomorrow morning we're starting the documentary again. Do you have everything that you want to do all planned out?"

I felt more excited than I could possibly imagine, hearing that I was home. I shrugged. "Mostly. Come on; it's the county fair! Do you ever know what you're going to do?" 

By the blank stare she was giving me, I assumed she had no idea. "Well, if you're confident, I'm sure everything will be fine. Go back to bed, Minsung." Not exactly the first thing on my mind. Sleep? Why would I need that?

I ran to my seat, to grab my pillow and the mystery blanket, and headed right past Jung Ah and Manager Kim, out the bus doors to the outside world.

I took a deep breath, looking all around as my eyes adjusted to the dark. We were in the back of the fairgrounds, near the grandstand. And in the distance, there- that was the elementary school. And a little while down the road I could just make out one of the parks.

I sat down in the grass growing just up to the curb and took it all in. Hopefully the owner of the blanket wouldn't mind it getting a little bit dirty. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed it all until I was there. I laid back, looking up at the sky. Stars. Thick, beautiful stars, glittering like Christmas lights stuck in a vat of tar. I could see so many more of them here than I could in Seoul, or Jeju, or Beijing. And we were still in town. 

I took a deep breath, revelling in the familiar scent of the air.

"Ugh, what is that smell?!" I looked up to see Kyuhyun walking towards me, then sit on the grass next to me. 

I inhaled deeply, knowing how much I missed that smell. "Ahhh, it smells like home."

He glared at me. "No, really. What is it?"

I rolled my eyes. "It's liquefied cow manure. Farmers have pits full of it so they can spread it over the fields," I explained, lying back down on the grass.

Kyuhyun frowned. "It smells disgusting."

"It's better than the smell of the city!" I declared after laughing, "at least cow manure is natural. It's better than Seoul and Beijing and New York and Chicago... all of those chemicals and that smoke, and... it's all manufacturing and production, and..." I made a face. "It smells truly awful. I hate the smell of the city."

"Then why'd you want to be an idol? You can be an idiot sometimes, but I know your smart enough to figure out that the business is mostly about the cities." To my surprise, he spread himself out on the grass next to me, resting his hands on his stomach as he stared up at the sky.

I shrugged, despite being on my back. "There are certain sacrifices I have to make. I can't get what I want if I'm not willing to give anything up, right?"

"And you were willing to give this up?"

I smiled to myself, reaching up to wipe the tears off of my cheeks before they could reach my hair and make my ears tickle. "As much as I needed to, yeah. I gave up my home to go attempt to change the horrible policies of SM, so they would stop hurting my Oppas. I gave up the winter mornings when everything is so cold that even noise seems frozen, and nothing moves, nothing makes a sound. I gave up hearing the roosters compete against each other all day, and watching my neighbors ride their horses down the street. I gave up tubing on the Wolf River when the summer got really hot, or sledding down the hill on the edge of the park after a really heavy snowfall." I closed my eyes, listening to the sounds of the night. "I gave it all up. For a new life in SM. With my Oppas, with my sunbaes, with my friends. I'd say it was a fair trade, wouldn't you?"

I waited for an answer, and when it didn't come, I rolled over to look at him. He was already fast asleep. Of course he was. Asleep in awkward positions that should really be impossible because he drops off on a moment's notice... that was Kyuhyun.

I unwrapped the blanket from around myself and draped it over Kyuhyun. He'd be less suited to the Wisconsin environment than I was. Not the weather so much, but the insects. He'd come out without bugspray. The mosquitos would eat him alive. They never seemed to like me, though.

I smiled and rolled over, letting the familiar feeling of the town seep into the blackness behind my eyelids, so even when I closed my eyes, I could still see the brightness of the stars, and the shadow of the grandstand. 

Please let them hav actually done it. Please let them have actually have cleaned the house. Please... I prayed to myself as the bus headed to my house. The documentary cameras were on, recording the guys and me while they awaited the revealing of my family house.

I tried to keep things interesting. When we drove through a patch of woods that flanked the edges of the road, I said, "I call these woods 'the swamp' because they're always full of water. And deer. If you ever hit a deer, it's probably going to be here."

I walked down the edge of the bus, and pointed at a house as we got to an intersection. "That's Rstory Ali's house. And that means..." My road came up, a small, windy thing. "This road was originally a driveway. We're almost there, you guys!"

The members cheered in response, and I rolled my eyes and laughed. "That's Rstory Eliz's house. And the one right next to it..." The camera panned automatically over to my house. Fairly good size, I guess. The garden had gotten a little out of hand while I was gone. But my moss-roses were blooming just as much as usual. And Mom's lilies. I'd always liked the white ones. 

"Minsung, this is your house?!" I heard Sungmin exclaim.

"Yes, yes it is. Now don't forget, you're just visiting. Don't go running into my parent's room or anything!"

"Okay, but... are you rich or something? Because I thought you were poor..."

I narrowed my eyes at Heechul. "Yes, I'm a regular beggar. No, I'm not poor! We just have to fight to make ends meet sometimes. This house is our pride and joy. Now come on, I'll show you the inside."

We all filed out of the bus and onto the familiar gravel driveway. It felt extremely strange to me. It was like my house was a museum up on display. But it felt foreign, even to me. Could three years have really done so much? I knocked on the door to the house, then rang the doorbell. I continued to pray everything would be okay, right up until the moment my father opened the door. "Your mother didn't want to come to the door because she didn't want to be seen by the cameras," he said, grinning at me. Of course, he was going to act nice and funny. While there were guests in the house. Not to mention the cameras.

"Of course Mom would run and hide," I laughed nervously. "My mom hates cameras," I explained to the guys, then turned back to Dad. "But don't worry- the cameramen don't have permission to come inside. I'm just showing the guys around."

I saw Dad look up at the guys with a flash of disapproval. But it melted away before anyone but me could see it. "Well, what are you waiting for? Come in!"

I went into the door first, then ushered the guys in. Before they could make their way into the main rooms, I quick peeked through the entryway, then breathed a sigh of relief. It was clean. They'd listened to me. "Alright, guys, just don't forget to take off your..."

When I turned back around, I saw thirteen pairs of shoes, neatly lined up against the edge of the wall. "What were you going to say?" Sungmin asked innocently.

I shook my head, laughing at myself. I really was starting to get back into my old Wisconsin habits. Of course I didn't need to remind the members of SuJu to take off their shoes. They were Asian, after all. 

"Your house smells nice. Like spices," I heard Shindong comment. Previously, when people had said that, I'd had no idea what they were talking about. But now, I could smell it, a kind of sweet, flavorful aroma. Very subtle, but there. And it had probably been there the whole time. But I hadn't noticed, because it had been my home.

"Okay, well, this is the kitchen-dining room. One big room."

Making themselves right at home, Eunhyuk and Heechul hoisted themselves into the taller chairs next to the island. They seemed wide-eyed, and curious about everything.

"Minsung-ah, is this where you learned to cook?" Ryeowook asked, wandering into the kitchen proper and looking up at all of the cupboards. And then he pointed up at the rack above the stove. "Look, Kyuhyun! Wine!"

I rolled my eyes. "Those are special wines. Seasonal."

"So I can't have any?" Kyuhyun asked. 

"No!" 

"Is this a gas stove?" Siwon asked, looking in awe at the burners. 

"It's awfully convenient for when the bad storms come around and the power goes out," I replied, trying to keep track of them all in my house. It was almost as bad as my sixteenth birthday party. 

"So, are you going to introduce us to your friends?" My father asked, coming out from the living room. 

"Oh! Right! Oppa-deul, shut up and pay attention!" I yelled, and for once they did, all facing my father. 

"Henry!" my mother cried, and suddenly she was running over to embrace Henry, like she'd known him all his life. "It's great to see you in person!"

He broke away from her, grinning. "You're a lot prettier in person, too."

I rolled my eyes and turned to the guys to make a mock hurling gesture. They laughed, and i cleared my throat and turned back to my father. "Anyway, Dad, Mom, these are my friends from Super Junior. We're touring together. And you guys, these are my parents. You mind introducing yourselves?"

I tried to wave them forward, and finally, ever-the-gentleman Siwon was first to volunteer. "Uh, hello, I'm Siwon Choi." He held his hand out to my dad, who shook it warily. I think he was a bit weirded out by Siwon's height. Asians weren't supposed to be almost as tall as he was.

"Minsung, what if I embarass myself?" I heard Yesung whisper to me. 

"Oppa, you'll do fine! I mean, the first person they met was Henry. It doesn't get much more embarassing than that. Just think of it as practice for all of those English lessons I gave you on the planes and before concerts."

He nodded, still looking nervous. I hadn't had much time to bond with Yesung. With all of the craziness of the tour, I couldn't tell if I was doing it on purpose, or if it just happened that way. 

It was kind of funny when Zhou Mi introduced himself, though. He was the same height as my father. The same height. I really didn't think my father was prepared for that. 

"Wait, wait, hang on... I need a picture of this," I declared, getting out my phone to snap a picture.

"When did you get that?" Dad asked.

"Leeteuk gave it to me," I said without even thinking. 

"Leeteuk? Who's Leeteuk?" It wasn't until I heard the tone in Dad's voice that I recognized what he was thinking. 

"I'm Leeteuk," said the man himself, nervously stepping around the other members. "I'm the oldest here," he said in careful English, "I'm the leader. Sorry, I haven't taken my turn to introduce myself yet. I'm Park Jungsoo."

I nudged him in the side. "I mean, Jungsoo Park!" When his face turned red, we started laughing. I felt my father deflate a little, but only a little. "I felt bad because Minsung- I mean, Queen Be- I mean, Melissa- was using such an old phone. She'd been working very hard for us for a long time. It was a present."

My dad looked at me, and I just shrugged, the phone still in my hands. "Okay, now the last one to introduce himself here is the best singer of them all! Just out of the military."

Yesung looked like he was ready to keel over. It was adorable. "Uh-um... I'm Jongwoon Kim. Or Yesung."

When he came back to hide behind me, I laughed, and said, "Okay, on with the tour!"

They seemed to take their time following me, as I had to explain every detail of the house, details I hadn't even thought of before. The stuffed pheasant. The story of the deer head on the wall. The gun cabinet (apparently having a cabinet full of guns was slightly frightening to a bunch of guys from a country where guns were illegal. But again, for us it goes back to hunting). The fireplace, also run on gas. 

They appeared to like the thick carpetting of my living room and stairs, because soon enough some of them were pretending to take naps, and others were jumping up and down yelling "It's so squishy!!!!!" *cough* Kangin *cough*

While Kyuhyun and Heechul asked my dad about the video game he was playing, some of the guys followed me up the stairs to the second floor. They wandered everywhere, fascinated by the tiniest things. 

I turned back around, to see a bunch of guys all competing for the big white chair in the middle of the library. "Minsung-ah, you have so many books!" Leeteuk yelled, peeking out from behind one of the bookshelves. 

I laughed. "These are just my parents'! You haven't even seen mine!"

"What, you have your own library?" He asked, crawling out from the space overlooking the first floor.

"Sort of."

I continued down the hallway, then froze. "And this... this is my little brother's room."

Suddenly there was a whole bunch of guys around me, all curious to see my little brother.

I peeked my head through the door, looking around the room. "Patrick?"

"Hi Melissa."

I ran over to him, buried in his nest, and pulled him into my arms. He was a little surprised, but that was okay. "Patrick, I'm back! Just for a little while but... I'm visiting, okay? And I brought some friends. See? These are Sister's friends." I pointed to the guys in the doorway, and they waved.

"Hello Patrick," I heard several of them say. He didn't seem to really know what was going on, but he seemed happy. He smiled at me, and I got up, watching as he followed suit. I was going to cry. I was going to cry.

No! Not with your Oppas there! They might feel bad for you, and then they might try to make you feel better, and then that might lead to ideas of romance! No! Just no!

I swallowed the tears and let go of Patrick's hand, and continued to the room at the end of the hallway. "Here we are- the famed bedroom itself. Brace yourself..."

I opened the door, stepping inside. It still felt oddly empty, even though it was the same as I had left it last time. It used to be that whenever I wasn't in my room, Patrick would hang out in there, just because. But now it had a distinct empty feeling, like it seldom ever got used. 

Only a few members came in. Henry was talking to my mom. Ryeowook was exploring the cabinets in our kitchen. Kyuhyun and Heechul were talking to my dad. Sungmin and Yesung were writing their names with the alphabet magnets on the side of the refrigerator. Kangin was laying on his back on the living room floor. Leeteuk was looking at the magazines in our library. Shindong and Siwon were taking weird selcas with the deer head. Eunhyuk was looking at the paintings on the walls of the hallway. Donghae was playing with Patrick in his room, although spending more time with the toys. 

Actually, it was only Zhou Mi that hadn't gotten distracted along the way. He walked into the room, looking around. "It's a big room."

I shrugged. "I shared it with my sister. Big rooms are nice for siblings."

He wandered over to the last remaining decoration on the wall- a last reminder that this space had been mine. "You drew these? They look just like us..."

I bit my lip, walking up so I was next to him. He was looking at my pencil drawings of the members- all fifteen of them. It had taken me almost an entire year to draw them all.

"Why is there a ribbon hanging off of that one? Of Henry?" he asked, pointing to a pencil drawing of Henry playing the violin, so lost in concentration that his eyes were closed.

"That was the one I took to the fair."

"The fair?"

"That's where we're performing. You take things to the fair, and judges judge them. And if you do well, they give you different colored ribbons. Blue is one of the best."

He nodded, and moved on. "Is there anything else?"

I thought about it, then wandered over to the door in the side of the room. "Yup. This... is my library."

I pushed the door open, and he walked in, his curiousity seeming to overrule the awkwardness of the situation.

"Wow... these are all yours?" he asked, looking in awe all around the room. 

"Yeah. I have a lot of books, I know. Separated between fiction ad non-fiction, and alphabetized by author. I kind of like to read. Like, a lot. I really missed these... I could only take my absolute favorites with me to Korea. Like Cassandra Clare or Rick Riordan. I had to leave behind books like Fairest and Tom Sawyer and Heir Apparent... I trailed off, realizing that I was gushing. "Oh, sorry. I just... like my books."

He laughed. "It's fine, really. It's interesting to see. A lot of times, when you talk about Wisconsin, it feels like a foreign world. But it's not, right? It's just your past."

Something about the way he said it made my throat go dry. "Y-yeah. My past."

He wandered over to one of the many shelves up against the wall. "There's so many notebooks... Are all of these full?"

I stepped up next to him. "Most of them. I always had a tendency to doodle or write random stuff in my notebooks during class. Sometimes they would turn into pretty cool ideas."

He pulled a little spiraled one down from the shelf. It was small- travel size- fitting neatly into his hand. He opened it and read aloud, " 'It's bad form to bite. Rude, you know. Hasn't anyone ever told you that?' It says 'Will, Clockwork Angel'."

"I'm impressed, Mimi. You're getting pretty good at reading English."

"I don't actually know what it means."

"That's probably good, because that's my quote book."

"Quote book?"

"When I read something, and I think it's funny, or romantic, or, I don't know... thought-provoking, I write it down in that notebook, so I can remember it. A lot of them are just funny. And many of them in ways I'd prefer you don't connect me with."

"What, is it vulgar?" he asked, his eyes wide.

"A bit."

He opened to another page, and carefully read, "There is no pretending. I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there's a life after that, I'll love you then."

My cheeks immediately turned a glaring fire red. "Jace, City of Glass. Page 331."

His eyes grew wide. "You have it memorized?!"

I shook my head. "Just that one. I've read that book so many times, read those lines so many times..." my face was burning even deeper red. "Let's just say that I really, really liked them."

"Why, what do they mean?" he asked, and I quickly took the notebook from him and pushed him out the door.

"Gee, I wonder where the rest of the guys went? You'd better go find them, shouldn't you? Now that sounds like an idea."

I pushed him out the door, then shut the door behind him, to give myself time to gather my wits.