I knew I needed to let go. I knew I should. I knew I should have stopped clutching Zhou Mi so tightly, gone to shut off the radio, and stopped being so frightened. But I couldn't. No matter how much I urged myself, my body wouldn't respond. 

Just let go of him, Melissa, I urged myself. But when the radio burst into static, so loud it almost gave me a heart attack, I still couldn't even move. Just calm down, Queen Be. You look ridiculous right now.

I relaxed my fingers. I was safe. I was underground. The school was the most sturdily built building in the whole town, and we were in the basement. Everything was going to be fine. 

I let go, uncurling myself from poor Zhou Mi. If I were him, I would be laughing hysterically right now. I looked like an idiot. I'd grown up with this stuff, yet I still cowered in the shadows every time. Why weren't they scared?

I went over to the radio and shut it off, then went back to Zhou Mi. I stumbled a little in the dark, cursing loudly when my shin hit the edge of the stairs.

I expected to hear him laugh, but he didn't. "Mimi? Are you still there?" I asked, trying to pick him out. It was a bit difficult in a basement room with no light. 

"Yeah, I'm here. Hang on, my phone went on energy-saving mode." For some reason, his voice sounded strained. But then his phone light came on, and I was able to make my way back towards him. "Come on, we'd better go to the others. Everyone's worried about you," he said, holding his hand out for mine.

I bit my lip. "But, the tornado..."

"We'll be fine. We can come back over here if anything starts getting close. Besides, Jung Ah is going to have a seizure if she doesn't find you soon."

I nodded, then took his hand. I was still afraid, but it was a really huge help that I wasn't alone. It went from a fear that paralyzed me to a slight shiver as I walked. We walked back up the steps, carefully, so I wouldn't trip, and then back up to the main hallways. Despite my mental urgings to stop being so freaked out, I clung tightly to his hand, as if I was afraid that if I let go, he'd disappear.

Eventually we got to the main center hallway, where the guys sat on the floor, huddled together, all looking like they were going to throw up. 

Jung Ah leaned against the wall, completely drenched, sobbing loudly, while Manager Kim tried to comfort her. Then Manager Kim looked up, and his eyes grew wide. "Minsung-ah!"

Jung Ah's head snapped up, and she ran and threw her arms around me. "Oh, thank God, you're alright!" She let go, stepping back. "And you're not even wet? Where were you this whole time!? I was worried sick. I'm your manager! If anything happens to you, I'm the one who gets blamed!"

I smiled thinly, then let go of Zhou Mi's hand so I could hug Jung Ah, drenched as she was. "It's fine, Eonni. No one's going to blame you for anything."

"And why on Earth didn't you call if you were going to go to the school instead?!"

"The cell towers were down. Nothing was getting through."

"How did you find her?!" Henry asked, jolting to his feet. He was soaked, too, and looked just as miserable as Jung Ah.

Zhou Mi looked nervous. "She's afraid of tornadoes."

They all appeared shocked, for some reason. "What?" I asked. "It's a crazy phobia. Why are you all looking at me like that?"

"You mean... you're actually afraid of something?!" Leeteuk gasped, open-mouthed.

"Yes, I'm afraid of something! I can't stand storms. It automatically makes me think of tornadoes. Why is that so shocking?"

He hugged me, despite the fact that he, himself, was quite wet. "Our Minsung really IS a girl! I was starting to wonder!"

I pushed him away. "Oh, shut up, Ahjusshi. And you're all soaking wet. You'll get sick if you stay in those clothes much longer."

"Our spare clothes are all in the bus. We only brought the more important things," Donghae pointed out.

"There should be a whole bunch of towels in the locker rooms. Maybe some spare shorts and t-shirts, too. I can't guarantee they'll be clean, but it's better than letting you guys get sick."

I sat down outside the locker rooms, waiting for everyone to change. I'd peeled off my outermost tank top, since it was soaked byt the hugs, and now had only my camisole on. But I couldn't afford to worry about that. 

The first one out was Kyuhyun, wearing a whole bunch of team apparel that looked absolutely ridiculous on him. 

 I was curled into a ball on the floor, trying to ignore the way the wind whistled and howled against the building. It wasn't storms I was afraid of. Lightning, thunder, rain, sometimes even hail, I could handle. It was the wind that terrified me. Because it was wind that created tornadoes. Swirling currents of warm air chasing cold air, high pressure on the outside, low pressure on the inside. So anything in it path was up into the low-pressure air and--

"You're really that scared?" Kyuhyun asked, sitting down onto the floor next to me. 

A gust of wind slammed against the school, and I winced. "Yes."

"And this isn't that weird for your part of the country?"

I shook my head. "Nope. Tornadoes are more common in North America than in any other continent."

"How did you live through it, if it makes you like this every time?"

I thought about it. At least talking to somebody was helping my brain keep going. Actually, it was going so much that I couldn't turn it off. I was starting to go on random scientific tangents. But there was no real science to answer his question.

"Just suffer through it, mostly. The good thing about these storms, at least, is that they don't last very long. They just kind of blow through. But the only time I was ever able to stay calm... was when I listened to music. Well, not music in general. I think the first time I really slept through a thunderstorm was when 'Storm' by you, Ryeowook, Yesung, Fishy and Sungmin came on my mp3 player. I don't know why, but it helped me calm down."

"Did we really help you that much?" I heard Sungmin ask. He was leaning against the wall, with the rest of the guys, who had apparently come out at the same time. 

"The little things can make all the difference," I said, shrugging. 

"Do you want to hear it?" Donghae asked, sitting on the ground on my other side. "Your awesome Oppas can give you a one-time, one-person performance. Would that help you calm down?"

I tried not to smile like an idiot. "I would love that, Fishy."

He motioned for Sungmin, Ryeowook, and Yesung to come over, and then he patted his lap. "Just be comfortable and listen, okay?"

I felt blood rush into my cheeks, but I obeyed, feeling the warmth of his now-dry body through the gym shorts he was wearing. My friend. All of them. Even nasty, nasty Kyuhyun, my friend. Of course, he loved this song.

Donghae sang first, and I loved the way I could feel his vocal cords shake his entire body. 

"Stop talking...
before you even opened your mouth--
I hated myself for knowing everything."

The song sounded strange, odd, without the piano backgrounds. But still beautiful. Donghae's voice echoed through the empty hallways of the school with an almost ethereal tone. And then Ryeowook sang, apparently not bothered by this. Maybe they all were just that concerned for me. 

"I wanted to lie,
and run away, but,
your two eyes
are telling me goodbye."

And then Kyuhyun. My oppa with the most beautiful voice in the world. I still stood by that belief. Kyuhyun's voice was deep and rich, and transformed him. Although as a person, he was mean, and clever, and sarcastic, when he sang, he looked peaceful, and sweet, sometimes even hurt.

"I finally set my heart to leave,
and it came to me like a harsh storm.
It might be a fate that will wash away like the rain."

And then Yesung, the "Artist of the Vocal Cords." And he really was. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him until he was back. I for being old, and a fail king, and an overall dork, but if Yesung was good at nothing else, he was good at singing.

"Because it was more painful
than a fate shattered like glass,
At the end of this walk,
I let you know, but you wouldn't know."

And then my dear, sweet, Minnie Mouse. A voice as sweet as a child's, yet still powerful.

"Stop crying.
Before I get wet with your tears,
I hate myself for knowing everything." 

My eyes started to get heavy.  I stopped tracking the individual voices, letting myself sink into the song. My oppas could sing. Better than I ever could. And they cared about me. 

"I tried to lie, 
and avoid it, but...
your two eyes
are telling me goodbye."

"I finally set my heart to leave,
And it came to me like a harsh storm.
It might be a fate that will wash away like the rain."

"I was sick with a love fever,
the meaning of these trickling to my dried lips...
you'll never know."

"Don't try too hard to get far away;
My body has already broken into pieces,
just like you wanted.
I can't go a step closer to you." 

"I finally set my heart to leave,
And it came to me like a harsh storm.
It might be a fate that will wash away like the rain."

"Because it was more painful
than a fate shattered like glass,
At the end of this walk,
I let you know, but you wouldn't know~"

"I was sick with a love fever,
the meaning of these trickling to my dried lips..."

"You'll never know..."

The storm faded away into nothingness, and I felt myself smile as I fell asleep, even as I felt a single tear drip down from my eyes, to leave a single wet spot on Donghae's borrowed clothes. I finally set my heart to leave, and it came to me like a harsh storm. It might be a fate that will wash away like rain.

 "WHITNEY!" I cried, throwing my arms around the girl. It had been a long trip from Wisconsin to Toronto, and a boring one. And considering we were late because of the storm, it was amazing we didn't cause any serious damage at the airport. I think the pilot was just a little bit freaked out that we kept singing "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" anfter I'd taught it to the guys.

But now we were in the Lau household, where my parents had stayed not so long ago. 

"Wow, you really are short!" Whitney laughed, making me feel just a bit ridiculous. 

"Yes, thank you."

"But, hey, that's not a bad thing. Welcome to the family!"

I stepped into the main living room, trying not to feel jealous of how nice their house was.

Henry instantly ran into the house and catapulted himself onto the couch. "I'M HOOOOOOOME!!!!!!"

His parents came strolling down the stairs, and then his mom ran to him and smacked him on the leg. "Henry! How many times have I told you not to jump on the couch like that!"

I laughed, and then she looked up at me. "And you must be Melissa! Welcome to the family!" She opened her arms and waved me towards her, and I gingerly hugged her. "Your family was here, as you know. And Whitney simply loved your little brother."

I grinned. "He's adorable, isn't he?"

"It makes me wish I had him as a son."

After much family greetings, exchanges, and yelling at Henry, we all eventually got to eat dinner at the Lau family, and Henry gave them a recap of his adventures in the United States. 

"And then Mel never came back from the fair. We didn't even think anything of it, until her manager comes into the van and asks, 'You guys, WHERE IS QUEEN BE?!' " His family laughed.

"So I run out into the storm to find her, but she's nowhere in this town. It's not that big of a town, but I couldn't find her anywhere. And then Jung Ah says that the tornado's been seen, and she practically drags me back to the school."

"You must have had our Henry very worried, Melissa," his father commented. I opened my mouth to say something, but Henry was absorbed in his story.

"So we're sitting on the ground, practically going crazy, all of us saying that we'll go out into the storm, tornado or not, to find her, when suddenly Zhou Mi says, 'I think I know where she is', and--"

He was interrupted when Zhou Mi suddenly pushed his chair back and stood up, leaving the table. He didn't look at any of us.

"Mimi, is something wrong?" I asked, concerned. But he didn't answer me. Ever since what had happened in the basement of the school, he'd barely even looked at me. I really must have freaked him out, acting like that downthere. I really ought to have apologized, but I was too embarassed to even do that.

 The members looked at each other nervously, but no one went after him. After a period of awkward silence, Henry continued his story in between stuffing his huge mouth with food, but I wasn't feeling very hungry all of a sudden. 

I ate the remnants of the food on my plate, knowing that it would be rude to not finish the food given to me, and quickly retreated from the dining room to look around the house or something. 

"You okay, Sis? You look a bit green." It was Whitney, apparently also finished with her supper. She'd been calling me "Sis" ever since we'd arrived. Although we were pretty remarkably close in age.

"Do I?" I asked, leaning against the wall. "Well, chalk it up to jet lag."

She raised an eyebrow. "So what is it really?"

"You ever try to give up something you've gotten so used to that you don't know how to do something else?"

"You mean like a bad habit?"

"Well... sorta. But it's a habit that makes you really happy, and then really hurt and sad, because you made up things in your head that don't really exist. So you know you should stop, but then things happen, and you lose control of yourself. You keep up the habit, even if you're just driving yourself and the people around you crazy."

She shook her head. "No, not really. But I'm assuming this is boy problems."

"Can I tell you a secret?" I blurted, for some reason knowing I could trust this girl.

"You're not in love with my brother, are you?!"

"What?! Ew, of course not!"

"Okay, then, sure. You want to sleep over? Ma wants to know. You can stay in my room and talk while eating junk food."

"Sounds like a plan."

The concert in Toronto was really similar to the one in Chicago. Same performances, same goofy grins, saphhire blue oceans sprinkled with gold. It was pretty much a repeat, but with different fans. It was gone before I knew it. 

Before I knew it, we were leaving the Lau family, and my newly acquired sister, behind in the airport. I'd trusted Whitney with everything, including my desire to try to get away from my fangirl behavior, so eventually those fake feelings of love will cool off and leave me with my true heart, whatever that was, including the knowledge of the way I hadn't controlled myself in that basement, completely absorbed in fear. 

She really was like my new sister. And it felt bad that I only had a day and a night to talk to her. But Time flies, and so do I. To Hawaii. To the other half of my family. Hopefully traumatizing things wouldn't happen  while we were there, at least. The last thing I needed was to mortify myself the way I had in Wisconsin. 

Hawai'i. Our concert there was just a tiny performance on the beach. Mostly it was a tourist-like vacation. So I could go there, relax, and forget about all of that dramatic lovebird nonsense I'd been making up in my head all of this time. I wasn't helping the members by making them worry about me, making them help me. The best way I could help the members of Super Junior was to let them go.

Hawai'i. As we pronounce it in the Hawaiian language, "Ha-VAI-ee." 

From the airport, the van dropped me off at my aunt's house first. Then it was to go to the hotel and drop the guys off.

But when I got out of the van, thirteen pairs of feet hit the ground behind me and my suitcase.

I turned around. "What are you guys doing?"

"We're going with you!"

"I'm going to my aunt's house."

"Your aunt sounds cool, though," Kangin complained. My fault. I'd told them stories about her on the drive from the airport to her house.

"You guys can't just come and mooch off of my aunt!" 

But they followed me anyway, down the drive and up to the front step. Finally I turned around to face them. "Okay, fine. I'll introduce you. But please be nice. She's a really nice lady. And don't take advantage of her, either! The last thing I need is to freak out the great-aunt that I barely know by introducing her to a whole bunch of Korean guys."

"And Chinese!" Henry said, pointing to himself and Zhou Mi, though Zhou Mi said nothing.

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, and Chinese. But I'm serious, you guys. I love you all, but I need you to act like adults for once in your entire career."

They shrugged, and I sighed and knocked on the door. 

The woman who opened the door was about six feet tall, heavyset, and had deep brown skin. She was definitely Hawaiian. Upon seeing me, she immediately swept me into her arms, almost crushing me with her tight hug. 

"Melissa, you're here!" she cried, letting go. "You're finally coming to see your family! We've all wanted to meet you after your prject. Come in, come in, everyone wants to see you... and are these your friends?" 

Introductions went around, and everything happened so quickly, my mind was spinning. We were inside, and I was greeting a whole ton of people. My cousins, my great uncles, my great aunts, my uncle Darren. So many people I didn't know, had never met, but somehow all knew me. This was the way Hawaiian ohanas worked. 

"Melissa, are your friends staying for supper?" Aunt Jackie asked me. 

"No, no they're--"

"CAN WE?!" suddenly Shindong asked, running up behind me.

"No, you c--"

"Oh, of course you can!" My aunt declared. "I never knew Melissa had so many male friends! Go on, enjoy yourselves, I have to make dinner." The guys wandered off, huge grins on their faces, and then she turned to me. "You said these boys are all members of a music group?"

"Yes."

"They're all very handsome. They're from Korea, correct?"

"South Korea, yeah. Well, except Henry and Zhou Mi."

"Zhou Mi is the tall one?"

"Yes."

"Ah, I see." Her eyes seemed to gleam. "They have a lot of energy. It's good to see you surrounded with such strong people. Now, I'll be back in a little bit. Oh, I have chicken skin!"

She disappeared into the kitchen, leaving me to deal with the chaos.

The meal was huge, served to a crowd of over twenty people. It was a whirlwind of chatter, with the boys talking animatedly to each other in Korean and Chinese, then realizing with a start that Aunty Hisae was Japanese. 

After everyone had gotten a healthy serving of food, and we were all eating dessert, my family took the opportunity to ask us questions.

"So you're all singers?" Uncle Bruce asked.

"Not all of us. Some of us... visuals..." Eunhyuk tried to argue, of course failing with his English.

"He means that some of them are dancers and rappers. Multitalented."

Aunt Jackie frowned. "Rappers?"

Uh-oh. "Rapping in Korea is a lot different from the way it is in America. It's more like singing than it is here. It's not all about and parties and drinking," I quickly supplied, trying to continue my family's good opinion of my oppas.

"I see..." she said, slightly thin-lipped. "And Melissa, you are, too?"

"Actually, I'm a songwriter. And an actress. I'm a singer now, but that wasn't my original job."

"Oh, you're like Marilyn Monroe!" One of my cousins exclaimed. 

I saw Sungmin grin at me. Yeah, I was totally like Marilyn Monroe. Not really.

"So what are you going to do when you go back to Korea?" my cousin Daniel asked me. 

"Actually, after this I have to go back to filming my drama. Acting stuff."

"Oh, really? What kinds of things do you have to film?"

I blushed. "Actually, the next thing I have to film is a kiss scene with one of my co-stars."

There was a general uproar from just about everyone at the table, including my Oppas. I hadn't told them about that yet. Oops.

"So you're singers," Uncle Bruce re-stated, interrupting the chaos, calming them down.

"Minsung-- I mean-- Melissa wrote our main song for us," Leeteuk supplied.

"Oh, really?" My aunt asked. "Well, now, would it be too terrible to ask you to sing it for us?"

Before I knew it, there was a full-on performance going on at my aunt's house. And my family was absolutely delighted. I had no idea why, but they seemed completely enamored with these crazy guys.

Then again, maybe I do know. After all, wasn't that the reason I had become a fangirl? Maybe those infatuations were starting to wear off on me, after adjusting to my new, more serious opinion of my career.

Exploration was exhausting, but worth it. We walked up the slopes, then went to the beach to watch the guys on their second attempt at surfing (since this was the guys' second time in Hawai'i), while I made castles in the sand. This, of course, was captured on camera. 

Soon enough I was being picked up and thrown into the water, drenched in the salt and grime of the sea.

It was all-out war in not too long, and it took special urging from our managers to remind us that we had a concert later in the evening. A little mini-concert, there next to the beach.

When the sun started to go down, and we had changed from swimsuits and towels to tanktops and shorts, we prepared for the show. With the sunset behind me, it began. Where had the time gone?

I sat with my ukulele in my arms, singing a song I had sung such a long time ago. One that had led me to where I was today. Like coming back home.

"Aloha 'Oe,
Aloha 'oe,
e ke onaona noho
I kalipo.

One fond embrace,
aho'i a'e au
until we meet again..."

I sang my heart out, listening to the beat of the waves behind me, and then as the song faded out, went backstage while the guys did their own part. It really was a small concert. Peaceful, really. But I loved it. It was nice.

On our last day in Hawai'i, Aunty Jackie urged me to let my friends visit again. She really liked them. She didn't understand what they said half the time, but she always laughed at their jokes and enjoyed their songs, and continually told me how wonderful they were. I couldn't agree more. They were wonderful.

They all arrived at her house, like they had before, and this time, Aunty Jackie threw flower leis around each of our necks, as a present to us before we went back to Korea. Real flower leis, that smelled like honey when you brought them up to your nose. I'd have to hang mine on a hook and let it dry when we got back, so I could keep it for a long time.

Dinner was slightly more sedate since it was just Aunty Jackie, Uncle Bruce, Jung Ah, Manager Kim, and the guys, without my family members. Maybe it was the summer wind around Oahu. 

For dessert were banana smoothies, freshly made from the trees around Aunty Jackie's yard. I took mine outside, looking out at the lengthening shadows.

I the lei at my neck, sitting down on the dirt and watching the sun go down. It was always a lovely sight; over the fields in Wisconsin, reflected in the city windows of Seoul; but it was especially beautiful here. The orange washed over the island, settling over green trees. It reflected off of the ocean water, making the surface glitter in a soft hue. Just like I had imagined the Sapphire Blue and Honey Gold oceans looking like.

I can't say I wasn't impressed with my aunt's property. It had an incredible view.

"What are you doing?" It was Zhou Mi, sitting down next to me. My heart jumped a little, involuntarily, at how close he was sitting, even though I thought I'd gotten over that.

I smiled at him. "Just watching the sunset. And thinking," I replied, ecstatic that he was talking to me again.

"Thinking about what?"

"My family is wonderful. And Henry's. And my aunt seems to love you guys. Two weeks' break just doesn't seem long enough, yet on the other hand, I'm eager to go back. I love acting. The feeling of it. But... for the episode I'm getting ready to film, I'm really nervous."

Zhou Mi's voice was unusually soft as he looked down at his hands and asked, "it's your kiss scene with Choi Hyuksoo, right? I heard about it."

I nodded. "I'm soooo nervous. I mean-- it's my first kiss! And it's for a drama! Will I get it right? What if I mess up?"

He looked at me, his eyes seeming to hold a warm light in them. But that must have been the sunset.

"That time I kissed Sungmin doesn't count," I corrected before he could say anything, assuming that was what his gaze was about, "I was drunk, and don't even remember it. So it doesn't count."

He chuckled, reaching over and taking my hands. I hadn't realized that I'd been ripping apart a leaf as I talked.

"So the kiss with Hyuksoo... that counts, even though it's just acting?"

"Well, I won't be drunk, will I? So I'll remember it all. But in a way, it does feel like I'm being cheated. A first kiss, and it's just for a drama." I turned to look at him, awaiting his response, only to see that his face was inches from mine. 

Suddenly, but slowly, he leaned forward and touched his lips to mine. He let go of one of my hands, using it to hold the back of my head.

His lips tasted sweet, still flavored by Aunty Jackie's banana smoothies.

Wait, he just kissed me!

My head was spinning, repeating the same words over and over again: ten years, ten years, ten years-- like some annoying alarm. But my heart urged me to make it last longer.

He pulled away before I could do anything. His cheeks were flushed, but he didn't seem very embarassed.

"There. Now it won't be your first kiss. I didn't... want anyone to take it from me."

I didn't know what to say, so I just stared at him with my mouth open in shock, probably looking like an idiot.

My head said, ten years. It breaks your double-digit limit! He's not even your bias member. He's as far from it as it gets! And you were going to let go.

But my heart said, there are different kinds of love. And don't you love all of the members, including Zhou Mi?

He stood up, not looking at me. "You don't... have to say anything. It's okay if... you don't feel the same way. I know there are a lot of things in our way, but..." he paused, giving my heart time to send me flashbacks of every moment I'd had with him: writing the song, running into him in the hallways at SM, watching him perform, defending him from the cruel manager at SM and awful Korean anti-fans as well, dancing with him at a party, spilling punch all over him, laughing with him, listening to him sing the song I'd given him for his birthday, embracing him in the darkness when I was scared...

"I won't pressure you. You can take as long as you need. I'll wait for the answer. As long as it takes."

And then he walked away, back towards the house, leaving me to sort out the difference between my thoughts and my feelings.