Staring up at the blue glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, spinning a necklace around on my finger. Not really thinking about anything, just too wide awake to sleep, too tired to think. 

I'd gotten a good chewing out by Henry. Oh yes. One intended on making me feel embarrassed about losing control, and one for Zhou Mi to make him feel utterly terrible about how he was supposed to be a gentleman, and I wasn't in my right mind and that was not an invitation...

It made me laugh, just thinking about it.

Still, the light and sound of the night were still fresh in my brain. If I closed my eyes, I could still see the oceans of color swaying to the beat, still hear the fanchants over the pounding of the music. I could still feel the beat of my heart, faster and faster as I reached further and further, desperate for that touch.

Had it really been almost a year, since that evening in Hawaii? Had it truly been that long? The time seemed to fly by on the wings of a swallow, swooping down on me and then whizzing by before I even realized what I'd seen. 

I knew what such an awful craving I'd had. I was supposed to be beyond that. Yeah, I thought about it, but the actual desire had never truly afflicted me. I could deal with those hormonal desires. I always had. Yet only hours before, I was close to letting everything go. I'm no innocent, and I know that. But I keep my honor. If nothing else. I'm a very proud woman, despite my lack of self-image. It was something I never wanted to throw away. Yet in that moment, he could have gone much further than I had ever gone ever before, and I would have let him.

And, of course, that wouldn't leave my head all night.

I held the necklace in my hand, looking up at the charm dangling from it. One of the few charms I had that I had not made myself. A simple arrowhead of rose quartz, supposed to magnify one's power with friendship and love. I think people just assumed that because it was pink.

A paw reached up and batted the dangling charm, and I looked over to see KyuMin staring widely at the necklace.

I pulled it back into me, away from the interest of my cat. I rubbed his head, then set the necklace on the bedside table before crawling under my bedsheets. In only a few days we would be heading to SMTown in Beijing, and I needed to sleep before then. But I was still stuck in a few fleeting moments where I had lost control, and it had been wonderful and terrifying.

When I went to the airport, I was met by a very watchful Henry and a very nervous Zhou Mi.

"I... I found out what the key was for," he whispered to me. "Your mail locker here in the building."

My lips twitched, and I watched both Henry and Jung Ah out of the corner of my eye. "Oh really? And what did you find?"

He frowned, pulling out a necklace chain from under his shirt, staring at it contemptuously. "Another key."

I laughed. "That's the last one, I promise. Besides, it's not too difficult to figure out."

He stopped, looking down at it, completely perplexed. "Your diary?"

I laughed. "I post much worse things online for the whole world to see than are in my diary."

"A... locket?"

"This really should not be that difficult."

"You're not going to tell me."

"Nope. Come on, Mimi, we have a plane to catch."

"You're not even going to ask? About..."

I sighed, knowing it was coming. "It wasn't your fault, Mimi."

"But I--"

"--I'm just... I'm just so damn young. I was the one who started it. I'm sorry for that. Don't apologize. But I think I need to wait until I'm ready. In more ways than one."

"Oh really?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "And in what ways are that?"

I laughed, seeing Henry giving me the evil eye. "You'll find out. 

I ran to catch up with Henry, hearing Zhou Mi yell behind me, "STOP SAYING THAT!"

On the plane, I sat next to Tiffany, meanwhile making faces at other people. We'd thought about watching Frozen, but with Heechul there, we decided it wasn't a good idea, and watched Finding Nemo instead. Eventually, though, we had to turn on Chinese subtitles because Victoria wanted to watch, too.

 A calm plane ride to Beijing, where I switched seats so many times I thought we were going to give the plane attendants mental breakdowns. One in which I eventually fell asleep while listening to Krystal and Luna sing.

I woke up when we were landing, and the flight attendant was asking us to please all return to our original seats. I finally complied, going back to sit next to Tiffany.

"Well you're just a social butterfly, aren't you, Honey?"

I laughed, rubbing my eyes. I was makeup-less going into the airport, but I'd be fine. My audiences had all seen me without it. "I have difficulty focusing on any one thing for more than a few minutes."
 

I felt the change in air pressure as the plane descended. "Neither can most of us."

I shrugged. "It's fun when we're all together. But then we actually get to the hotel... and I'm in a room all by myself."

She frowned. "I can't even remember not having the members around... I think I'd get scared at night."

I laughed. "It can get very lonely."

"Wanna sleep over?"

"Seriously?"

"Sure. We could watch Titanic."

"Moulin Rouge?"

"Ooooohhh, that's a good one, too."

"With all of the SNSD sunbaes?"

"No, just Taeyeon-eonni."

"Hmmm. Okay. Sounds like fun. Just don't make fun of my pajamas."

So we were originally going to watch Moulin Rouge and Titanic, but we got into a heated discussion about which of the Hemsworth brothers was hotter, so we ended up watching both Catching Fire and Thor in order to determine who was right.

"But come on, look at those arms!" Tiffany remarked while Thor was playing.

"No. No. It's not enough. He doesn't have Liam's dark hair and icy blue eyes thing. That just... it gives me shivers."

Taeyeon laid on her belly on her bed and rested her chin in her hands. "Minsung-ah, don't you have a boyfriend? Should you really be fantasizing about American boys?"

"He's Australian".

"Oh, even better," she laughed.

"And he's not here. It's not like I'm actually ever going to meet Liam Hemsworth. Look but don't touch."

All three of us laughed. "Tiffany, go to bed," Taeyeon remarked, throwing a pillow at her. "We have a concert tomorrow."

"You're going to stay awake for the next three hours!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

The argument ended with Tiffany turning the volume of the movie up and SNSD's manager coming in and telling us to quiet down and to, yes, go to bed. When he left, Tiffany and I started giggling. We turned the movie off and crawled into bed. 

"Tiff, what do you think of love?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean... when I was in psychology class, we did this activity where we closed our eyes and we had to imagine the scene. Like 'you come to a house. What does the house look like?' Later we found out that how we envisioned the things we were supposed to imagine said things about our views of things. One of them was a cup. Supposedly, it represented how I saw love."

"And?"

"What I pictured was an old blue plastic cup. Light blue, like it used to be darker, but the sun had bleached it. It was beaten-up and smeared with dirt on the outside. I tried to take a drink out of it. But there was nothing there. To this day, I remember exactly what that cup had looked like. And it wasn't even real. I'd just made it up. What do you think it means?

 She was silent for a while. "Ouch. That doesn't sound good. But that was before... you know..."

I nodded, clutching the blanket. "Maybe it just means I'm a dirty girl."

She shoved me, making me lose my balance and fall out of the bed. The 'thud' was enough to make Taeyeon, on the other side of the room, stir. Tiffany leaned over the side of the bed, scowling down at me.

"That is obviously not it. If that were it, you wouldn't still be a ." She helped me back onto the bed, waiting. "You are still a ... right?"

I laughed quietly.

"You're kidding."

"I'm still a , Tiffany."

She threatened to push me off the bed again, but I held onto the bedboard. "Good," she replied, then laughed. "That's just how you saw it at the time, right? I'm sure if you were to do it again, you'd get a beautiful golden chalice, or something like that."

"It doesn't work if you already know what it represents..."

"Oh, you know what I mean."

"So what about you?"

"I don't know. I've never thought about it."

"I guess it would look different, being an idol?"

"Probably not, actually. My romantic future is pretty dim, with me being busy all the time. You got lucky. Most of us can't stand the idea of dating anyone within the company. We really are like a big family."

I laughed. "You'll get someone someday, Tiffany."

"Go to sleep, hun. Dream of taking a drink from a full cup. A cup so full that it overflows."

I smiled, rolling over and closing my eyes.

Another blur of a night, the audience's fever infecting me with its energy, but, this time, one that I kept in check. 

This time, though, we went with the rest of the SMTown cast.

"It's been a year, and you've never met my parents," Zhou Mi stated.

"Oh, no, that's really fine, I--"

"They're here tonight."

I froze. "You're kidding."

From a corner I heard BoA yell "Minsung, come here! Liyin's family wants to get a picture!"

I took the opportunity to quickly excuse myself. Zhou Mi was joking, right? Right?

"Ma, Ba, this is Niuwangfeng. The girl I'm dating."

I snapped to attention like an experienced soldier, my eyes the size of half-dollars. I bowed immediately, not even giving myself time to see their faces.

"Goodness, girl, we're not royalty."

I straightened up, my cheeks so full of blood that I thought they'd explode. I shot Zhou Mi as icy of a glare as I could manage. He flinched, but I was too focused on the people in front of me. "I-I'm sorry, I guess I got... carried away."

Chinese parents are scary. Let me tell you. It was like they were scowling down at me, looking at me from every angle, to see how they could get the most out of me. I didn't know what to do or say. I cringed under their critical gazes, wishing I could just disappear, but it was difficult when you were wearing a sparkly golden tank top and black leather, accented by dark black makeup.

"This is the girl, huh?" his father asked, and I stepped closer to Zhou Mi, trying to remain calm. "An American."

I don't think a lot of people know just how hateful Americans can be. Just how much people from other countries see us and think how disrespectful, how single-minded, how self-important, lazy and judgmental we can be. He didn't have to say anything more than "American" to remind me of all those characteristics of the people that the world tended to see. The word was intended as an insult in and of itself.

I knew not all Americans were like that. I knew that there were people on both sides of the spectrum. I knew there were good people in my country, with open minds, and world knowledge, and desire to listen to opinions other than their own. But a lot of people weren't. Still, I wasn't going to shame my own country just to meet their approval.

"Yes. An American," I said, my voice shaking. I clenched my fists, my fingernails digging into my palm. "That's where I came from. Just another country."

"Just another country, huh?"

"Yeah. I got a pretty diverse education, though. Grew up there, then spent the last year in Korea, where I graduated. I even get into math arguments with Kyuhyun." I forced a laugh, grabbing Zhou Mi's shirtsleeve to keep myself calm. 

Miraculously, when I mentioned school, their faces lit up. "Oh, so you did well in school?"

"Both there and in Korea. I'd attend college, if I wasn't so busy with my job."

His mother smiled. "Well, you do very well at your job. I do hope our son isn't too much trouble."

I shook my head vigorously. "Oh no. I wish there were twenty just like him. The world would be a much better place."

I slipped my hand into his, smiling again. I had to be friendly. I had to show that I wasn't the rude American girl they were expecting.

"Did you see her perform?" Zhou Mi asked them.

"Oh yes. She seems like a very... talented girl."

"Perhaps I could get to know you better?" I offered. "Zhou Mi has met my parents before, when we were on the America tour."

His mother smiled. "I hear you're quite the cook?"

"I don't know about that, but... I haven't heard any complaints."

She smiled. "Wonderful."

"OH MY GOD HOW COULD YOU SUBJECT ME TO THAT?!" I yelled as soon as we were back in our hotel, in the relative privacy of the hallway SM had completely booked. 

He laughed. "You did fine."

"What was I supposed to say?! 'Yes, Mrs. Zhou, everyone from my country is a complete and utter bigot, but I'm not like that? Very convincing."

"I was nervous too, you know."

I took a deep breath, calming myself down. "You- you're right. I'm sorry. I just... your parents..."

"Ahjumma, come here!" I heard Kangin yell from down the hallway."

"In a second!" I yelled back.

"Stop making goo-goo eyes at each other and get it over with!"

"SHUT UP, KIM YOUNGWOON!"

"YA! Stop yelling! We're in a hotel! SOME of us want to sleep!" yelled a voice that sounded like Onew.

I sighed, exhaling a laugh. "I'm sorry."

"You think they're okay with it? What about your parents? Do you think...?"

I laughed, rubbing his shoulderblades. "We'll be fine. If I can charm the entire population of Korea, I can handle your parents."

I felt the muscles over his shoulders, kneading my fingers into it. "You, my dear, are stiff as a board. When was the last time you relaxed?"

He turned, suddenly looking tired. "I can't remember."

I laughed. "Want a massage?"

His eyes popped open. "Are you serious?"

"Why not? I used to give them to Min Hee all the time. Got pretty decent at it."

"Ahjumma! What's taking you so long?!"

I made a face. "I'll be back. I have to go knock Kangin unconscious. Be back in a moment."

 "What did he want?" Zhou Mi asked when I stepped into his room and closed the door.

"Where's Wookie?" I asked, answering his question with a question.

"He's practicing with Kyungsoo."

"Oh." I set a bottle of lotion down on one of the lamp tables. "Kangin just wanted to try to gross me out. Again. Its his new game."

"What did he do?"

"Show how many pigfeet he could fit in his mouth."

"Did it work?"

"A little. But he doesn't know that."

"Good actress. What's the lotion for?"

I smirked. "Want the fun reason or the real reason?"

He cringed. "I think I'll take the real reason."

"The lotion helps relax the muscles," I replied with a sigh. I'd been hoping he'd ask for the fun reason. I guess he'd figured out that my version of "fun" was slightly demented.

"Oh."

I sat down on the bed and patted the spot next to me. I looked like a ert. I was. But I was starting to come to terms with that.

"Oh, relax. I won't do anything other than what I said I was going to. Just lay down. Talk to me. Tell me anything that's wrong. Oh, but first... shirt."

"What about it?"

"Off."

"Niuwang, that's..."

"Can't let me have any fun, can you?"

"You're enjoying this too much."

"Maybe I am. What do you have to be embarrassed about? I can't do much with fabric in the way." I felt my lips turn up at the corners, and finally, after a time of me raising an eyebrow at him and crossing my arms, he pulled the shirt over his head and hung it over the edge of the bed.

I had to concentrate in order to not stare. By Asian standards, he was perfect, so pale I almost thought he'd reflect sunlight. 

When he finally laid down, I could still see the stiff set of his shoulders, still enraptured. I don't know if I've said it before, but I like shoulders. And collarbones. Once, I had a guide called "642 Things to Write About", and I would take ideas from it whenever I was stuck. One of them was "your favorite part of a man's body". It had taken me a great deal of thought, believe it or not. Eventually what I wrote was "shoulders. The contours of them. Because when you sit next to him, that's what you lay your head on. When you kiss, that's where your hands will rest. When he lifts you up, it's in its shoulders where he is using his strength."

There were not a wealth of perfect shoulders in the world, but right in front of me was a rare example. Perfect, with the bones showing through the skin just enough to accent the muscles. The stiff, tired muscles.

I rubbed lotion on my hands and went to work, one knot at a time.

"Not bad, Mimi. Not bad."

"Maybe I spend too much time worrying about useless things. I was just so worried that they wouldn't like you..."

I paused, realizing who he was talking about. I put more lotion on my hands, kneading the tight area around his neck. "It's not me they wouldn't have liked. It was my country. My age. And difference in age doesn't seem nearly as much of a scandal here as it is in the United States. It's the fact that my country looks down on them, and so they look down on it. It's that I represent a place that I don't resemble at all. I never have."

"I have to wonder how it happened." He was already starting to relax, realizing that I was only doing as I said I was going to.

"How what happened?"

"How did you become so different from everyone else? Was it your mother? Your father?"

I chuckled. "I've never been anything but me. I'm not my daddy's little girl. I'm not my mother's daughter. Early on in my life I decided that I wanted to be my own person. I'm just Melissa. Minsung. Queen Be... Niuwang."

"Niuwang." He sighed it out, like it was the most beautiful name in the whole world. "Do you think your parents like me?"

"I don't think they got the chance to know you very well. But, at least, Aunty Jackie likes you. And if Aunty Jackie likes you, my entire maternal family, my mother included, likes you. It's my stubborn old man you have to worry about."

All the while, I continued running my hands over his skin, finding the hard places in the muscle and pressing them out. He had wonderful skin. All the way from his neck to his lower back, where even there he was stiff as a board.

"Has to protect his little girl?" his voice sounded muffled, as if he was struggling to stay above water.

"His little girl can protect herself," I scolded, moving my hands back up to his shoulders once again. "You're tired, Mimi. Just close your eyes. You don't have to stay awake just because I'm here."

He grumbled a little, but he was calm, and soon I was rubbing his back only because I wanted to. I give credit to the science of massage. It was therapeutic, not only to the person receiving, but the person giving. For me, it was calming.

"AGH! Minsung, why are you not in your room?!" I heard Jung Ah yell from down the hallway. Then into another room. "Tiffany-shi, Taeyeon-shi, is Minsung here?"

"No, I think she was in Kangin and Henry's room..."

"Minsung?!"

"She's not in here."

"Oh goodness, you'll choke yourself, Kangin-shi."

"Check Zhou Mi's room."

"You're kidding."

"Nope."

"MINSUNG?!"

The door flew open, and Jung Ah burst in, open, but I held a finger to my lips. Zhou Mi was asleep.

"What are you doing?"

"Helping him relax. Massage, you know. Of the non-Thai kind."

"Oh," she sighed, rubbing her eyes. "Anyway, there's a person looking for you. Someone you NEED to talk to."

"Do I have to?"

"I'm not giving you the choice," she scolded, grabbing my arm and pulling me out to the hallway. I hoped Mimi didn't get cold.

She pulled me to a late-middle-aged Chinese man in the lobby, muttering something to me about checking his credibility and something being good. I don't know why she needed to prove that he was Chinese-- we were in Beijing, after all.

"Ah, this is the wonderful Queen Be, isn't it?" he asked in English, surprising me. 

"So I've been told," I answered. about to bow, but deciding against it. Instead, I looked down at the hand he was offering to me. "I apologize, my hands are especially moist right now. I was giving my bo-"

I cut off, seeing Jung Ah giving me a look. "My best friend a back massage."

"Ah, I see." He dropped his hand, fighting a smile.

"So who could you be so important that my manager dragged me down to meet you in the middle of the night?"

"Yes, straight to the point. My name is Daniel Hong. I work for a filmmaking company in Los Angeles. I was at a business meeting here in Beijing, and I saw an advertisement for your concert. I was shocked. I wondered how I'd never heard of you before, back in the United States. But I came here and you were everywhere!"

I waited for him to continue.

"Yes. Anyway, I saw your performance at your concert, and I've decided that you're exactly the girl we're looking for. Would you be interested in being cast in a Hollywood production?"

I quickly looked at Jung Ah, wide-eyed, mouthing, "Hollywood?!"

I turned back, putting my poker face back on. "What kind of movie are we talking?" 

"Science Fiction-Fantasy action. It's a joint project between Beijing and Hollywood."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "I'm not quite sure I understand. You're in China, and you decide to cast me in an American-Chinese movie? That seems a bit... anti-productive."

"It's a very unique character. Certain skillsets that I believe you can fulfill. We're willing to offer a substantial sum for your contract, numbering in the six digits at least. American dollars."

I was thin-lipped, considering. The emotional stress of an idol was bad enough without the eyes of the world looking at me. It was bad enough just with the eyes of Asia. My mild success in my home country had been enough for me. But that kind of offer could easily pay off my family's house. It could give my parents a good living for a few years. I could put money in my brother's savings account. 

"I'll have to consult with my company," I finally said, glancing at Jung Ah. In an instant, she was on the phone.

He smiled, handing me a card. "I do hope you would accept the role. Please let me know before the end of the week."

He went out the hotel's doors, and Jung Ah hung up the phone and jumped up and down, squealing and throwing her arms around me. "MINSUNG! Do you know what this means?! You could be a world star! Like Angelina Jolie, or... or..."

I scowled. "But I just got back from Chile..."

She made a face at me. "You can't pass up on this opportunity. You could make all of the other people in SM look like amateurs."

"But I'm the amateur..."

"Shut up. I'm not kidding, Minsung. If you pass this up, you'll regret it your whole life. And don't you love Sci-fi/ Fantasy Action movies?! You could be in one!"

I bit my lip. She was right. If I decided against it, I would regret it for the rest of my life. Still, I saw all of those child stars on TV, watched how they ruined their lives, little by little, until everyone looked down on them. I didn't want to turn out that way. That was what fame like that did to people. It made my mental breakdown after Chile look like mild depression.

"I'll think about it, okay, Eonni? I just really need... to think about it."

I went back up to the hotel rooms, knocking softly on the door of the room that Ryeowook had been visiting D.O in. "Hello? Is Ryeowook-oppa still in there?" I carefully opened the door, then closed it, seeing three boys passed out in random places in the room. Apparently Wookie was still in there.

I went into my hotel room, looking at the empty walls. My cat wasn't there. He was back home, staying with a cat babysitter recommended by Simon and Martina. 

Suddenly I felt desperately tired. But my hotel room was too lonely and too quiet. I closed the door, going back into the room that Ryeowook and Zhou Mi were supposed to have been sharing.

Zhou Mi was stil asleep on his stomach, and I grabbed the comforter off of the other bed and threw it over him, so he wouldn't be cold. 

I stayed there, thinking about Hollywood. Would I go? Did I want to? I had until the end of the week to decide. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I did, dreaming about strange movies and smiling faces, outstretched hands from faceless bodies.