It took me a long time to collect myself and finally leave the company. Eventually I did, wallowing in my confusion and pain. I didn't know what Zhou Mi's problem was, but it pissed me off. It wasn't my fault that the company set me and Sungmin up as a couple. 

It was my fault, though, that I hadn't explained that to Zhou Mi, though. I can't help my own desires. They conquer everything. Every decision I make is somehow ruled by something I want. And I wanted Sungmin. It sounds dirty, and maybe it is, but I wanted him so badly it hurt. The dating act was only torture for me, not dissolving the craving but instead intensifying it. 

All the while I went home, I cursed Zhou Mi for being so angry at me for something I had no control over. I cursed SM Entertainment for pulling me into its schemes. I cursed Lily what's-her-name for coming into the company and making me doubt myself. I cursed everything and everytone, too angry to reason anything out.

When I finally got home, though, noticing that Min Hee must still be at John's, I collapsed onto my bed and began to cry again. Perhaps I had only been masking my pain with fury, after all. 

This time, though, there was noise.

Fortunately I have two alarms that don't have to be reset every day, because If I didn't, I would have gotten up late the next day. I'd fallen asleep crying. I was glad, a little bit, that Min Hee had come in after I had fallen asleep, because I didn't feel like explaining to her why I was so hurt. It would make me sound guilty. And I wasn't. At least, I didn't think so. 

I went to the company for my first class, of course being our acting class. We were practicing for romantic scenses that day. Ha. I was an expert at that already. The thought made me laugh bitterly to myself, even as the class sped by and I was heading out the door. 

I went straight to the SuJu dorm, dumping my bags in the corner and eagerly setting to work. I needed to get my mind off of everything for a while. And if I needed to scrub the entire shower with bleach in order to do that, then I would. If it meant I had to re-polish every single nook and cranny of every single trophy in the dorm, I would. 

I was a bit surprised, though, when I went into the KyuMin dorm to make the beds, to actually find someone in it. 

"Kyuhyun-oppa?" I stepped into the room, closing the door behind me without even thinking about it. As usual, when I stepped into the room, I was greeted by Caocao, eagerly wagging her tail at me. Half-conciously, I picked her up and petted her, looking over at Kyuhyun, sitting at his desk.

He didn't even turn around. "Oh, you're here."

"Playing Starcraft, I see." I rolled my eyes, for the first time that day almost smiling. 

"I was thinking about playing something else for a while, but then one of my friends invited me to play." He replied, still not taking his eyes off of the screen.

"I'd ask to join your group, but last time I played, you kicked my ."

"Girls aren't supposed to be gamers."

"You're lucky you're my Oppa, Kyuhyun-oppa, or I would have smacked you for that. Definitely do not appreciate ist commentary. I didn't at Starcraft because I'm a girl. I at it because I hadn't played it before. HUGE difference."

"We're not playing at a high level this time. You want to try?" He asked, sort of apologizing. "If you've finished all of the chores."

In my eagerness to clean, I'd gotten everything I could possibly think of to do in the dorm finished within three hours, including dinner, which was simmering in a crock-pot. Thus, I was glad to have something else to focus my mind. "Sure! Just let me make the beds." I set Caocao down on the floor and set to work right away, untwisting the blankets and setting them neatly back on the mattresses, tucking in the end corners. When that was done, I went to get my laptop, then came back, plunked down next to Kyuhyun, and plugged into the game.

Within minutes, I was completely immersed, yelling quite loudly at the game. "Oppa! I'm being attacked! I need help!!!!!! ...and I'm dead. Thank you for the support, Kyuhyun-oppa." I leaned back, sighing. As I waited for my game to restart, a bunch of messages began to pop up on Kyuhyun's screen. Things that probably shouldn't be said, in order for me to prevent any dating scandals. 

"Wow..." I said, looking over Kyuhyun's shoulder at the messages, "they're totally in love with you..."

"They're just fans," he said quickly. "A few girls who helped me in Turkey. I really liked them."

"Oooohhhh, I seeeeee..."

"Don't get any ideas, Jageun. It was just an artist-fan relationship. Even if it doesn't seem that way."

"Yeah, I know how that goes," I muttered.

"Sometimes the line between loving the fans and loving girls can get a little hazy," Kyuhyun admitted.

My cheeks flushed a little at that. It applied to me just a little too much. 

He actually turned away from the screen, looking at me. His eyes met mine for a long while, and I continued to look back at him, pulling myself into his gaze.  Kyuhyun had beautiful eyes.

Suddenly I looked at the screen and jerked away, my cheeks flaming. "Oh goodness, I'm on again!"

We went back to the game, pretty much in awkward silence. Eventually I looked back at my watch, noticing that I had only an hour left before I had to leave. I finished the mission we were working on, then logged out and put my laptop away. "It was fun, Oppa. Dinner's in the crock-pot, you can go and get it whenever you want. See you soon."

Back to the company, back to avoiding Lily. Despite the brief period of awkwardness with Kyuhyun and I, he had helped my stress level quite a bit. It's always good to get out frustration by killing stuff in a video game. Not foolproof, of course, but it helps. 

I went to my usual haunt, setting down with my song. I put the CD into the stereo system and sang along as loudly as I could, pouring everything I had into the song. When I was done, Nakata-sensei clapped, then asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to answer, so I just said that I was stressed.

I was half scared to leave the room, in case I would meet Zhou Mi outside of it, like I almost always had. Thankfully, that was not the case. Instead, there was Heechul, chatting with Jungmo. I bowed to the guitarist, trying to get into the conversation as gently as I could. 

"Annyeonghasseo, Jungmo-sunbae. Annyeonghasseo, Heechul-oppa."

"Ah, the little romantic!" Heechul teased, putting his arm around my shoulders and looking down at me as I made a face at him. . "Pretending to be in love with Sungmin. It's kind of cute, actually."

I glanced at Jungmo, then at Heenim. "Oppa, do you have to talk about that?"

"It's adorable, actually. You're making the sacrifice for the sake of Super Junior. Jungmo, isn't she such a good ELF?"

"You're really not bothered by this, are you, Oppa?" I asked, a bit surprised. 

"Nope!" he laughed, "just as long as you know what's love and what's not."

It was always hard to tell if Heechul was joking or not, even if he was smiling. I assumed he was, and attempted a jittery laugh. "Oppa, this is embarassing..."

He just laughed again. "Minsung has asked to be my friend. Got down on her knees and begged."

"I did NOT!" I argued. "...okay, maybe I did get down on my knees, but I didn't beg. You always make things sound worse then they actually are..."

"Are you going to join Chocoball?" Jungmo asked, making me feel uncomfortable. I didn't really know the guy.

"That would be fun, but, um, I'm an O-positive blood type. Not AB. I don't really fit the group. Not that you guys arent all cool, but..."

"She's just saying that because she wants to be in Kyu-line instead." Heechul butted in.

"No! I'm a member of FASE!"

"FASE?" I felt a bit bad for Jungmo.

"They're new. Came around since Minsung got here. All they do is speak English. They're the ones who decided to hang your guitar from the-"

"Oppa! Stop answering for me!" I complained, cutting him off by lightly pushing him away. "My apologies, Jungmo-sunbae. Heenim likes to tease me, because I always get flustered. Oh, and I apologize for putting your guitar in the rafters. It was... Henry's idea. Yeah. Henry's."

Jungmo just laughed. "So it WAS you! I thought you looked familiar. Not that there are very many short blonde foreigners at our company."

"And here I thought I had a somewhat memorable face," I sighed.

Heechul laughed out loud, of course loud enough for people all the way down the hallway to turn and look. "It doesn't matter how memorable your face is, I'm willing to bet that people remember me much easier."

"That's because you're YOU," I shot back. Just then, my phone went off to the tune of "y, Free & Single", my text message ringtone, and I pulled it out to see the message. 

I put the phone back into my purse, shrugging. "Tiffany wants me to go shopping with her and a few of the other girls. I guess I'll see you later, Oppa. Sunbae"

They waved me away, quickly going back to their conversation. Which, from what I could hear as I walked away, had something to do with pretty girls versus pretty boys. Whatever the individual details were, I wasn't entirely sure, nor entirely sure if I wanted to know at all. 

"Tiffany and a few of the other girls" turned out to be Tiffany, Sunny, Jessica, Taeyeon and Krystal. They'd invited Krystal so I would have someone closer to my age (Krystal is two years older than me). I was a bit surprised at the addition of Taeyeon, though. I'd never actually met her before. So when I saw her, I felt a bit awkward at first. 

Unfortunately, like Sunny, her first impression of me was that I was adorable. Just how I like to be described-- adorable. Wonderful.

"Taeyeon-sunbae..."

"Call me Eonni!"

"Okay, Taeyeon-eonni. Well met. I don't mean to seem rude, Eonnie, but I don't really think I'm adorable."

"Oh, that's okay. Come on, let's get you some nice clothes. What do you think would look good on her?"

"Something bright," Tiffany said, making a face at me, "She's always wearing those dark clothes..."

"I look good in dark colors! It's my weird skin tone because I'm multi-racial!" I argued, clutching my black junior year Homecoming t-shirt as if they were going to try to take it off."

"Ayyy..." Krystal complained, "stop complaining. Eonni, something pink, do you think?"

Taeyeon looked at me, smiling. "Ooh, pink would be pretty!"

"Come on, not PINK!"

"Why? You would look good in pink!"

"Why not blue, or green, or purple? Not orange or yellow. I look TERRIBLE in those two."

"Minsung isn't feminine enough," Sunny laughed. "That's why guys are scared of her. Okay, we'll make a deal. We won't buy you anything pink, orange, or yellow."

"Great!" 

"BUT," she added, "we get to buy you anything we want. AND you have to actually wear it."

It didn't look like I had much choice. Darn these girls and their shopping!

The girls giggled behind me as I opened the door, discussing what color they should put me in. The real reason they'd wanted to take me shopping it seemed, was because they had found out the grand plan involving Sungmin and I, and had decided to help it along. Apparently both the guys AND girls at SM got bored really easily, and I was a nice piece of entertainment. Because of that, they all congregated in my dorm at lunch break, deciding to go through my closet and put it together in a more fun way. I rolled my eyes and opened the door, surprised to see the lights on.

The girls peeked around me, wondering why I was frozen in the doorway. "S-sungmin-oppa..."

He was sitting on the floor across from Min Hee, both holding a cup of tea, and looking up at us.

"Minsung-ah..."

"SUNGMIN-OPPA! What are you doing in here when Minsung isn't here?!" Sunny squealed, running into the room. Sungmin let her hug him, then ganced at Min Hee, who looked at me.

"He came here just a few minutes ago," Min Hee began, "when I told him you were out meeting some friends and I didn't know when you'd be back, he said he'd wait here. I didn't want to just let him stay outside, so I invited him in for tea. I thought you'd be alright with it."

"Umm, yeah, that's fine, Min Hee. "

"Is there a party I didn't know of?" Sungmin asked innocently, indicating Sunny and the multitude of girls behind me.

"What? Oh, not really. Last night was my first time meeting Taeyeon-eonni, so they all decided to come with me to the dorm and have a bit of fun with clothes. And to talk. You know. Fun stuff. I hope you don't mind, Min Hee," I added, turning to her. She just shrugged. 

"Oh... I just wanted to ask if Minsung wanted to go somewhere for lunch, since I have to go to Manila with Super Junior tomorrow."

"LUNCH?!" The girls all exchanged glances, and before I knew it, Sunny was chasing Sungmin out of the room. "Out, out, out, out, Minsung needs to change! Give us fifteen minutes!" she slammed the door behind him as soon as he was out, turning to look at me. "Okay, Minsung, whether this is a real date or not, you need to look the part."

"Oh dear god, what are you going to do to me?!"

Finally I stepped into the hallway, practically able to hear the multitude of girls pressed up against the other side of door. "I'm sorry for making you wait, oppa. I was really just going to go dressed the way I was, but I guess there's no going against my eonnis when they all make up their minds."

"Minsung-ah... you're wearing a dress."

"You say that like I've never worn a dress before! I like dresses! Just not on a daily basis! I wore that black one for my duet performance..."

"But that one was black. This one's bright purple." 

From behind the door, I heard a half-whispered command to just get going.

"Tiffany's telling me to just go." I blurted, then heard a thud from behind me that made it hard not to laugh.

"Maybe we should. It's so weird knowing they're listening to everything we say. So what do you want to eat?"

I clung to his arm as we began to walk away from the door, only giving a moment's glance at the dor behind me. "Hmmm... I really like fish. Does Oppa know any good restaurants like that?"

"Hmmm... Sushi?"

"I LOVE sushi! But won't that be expensive?"

Sungmin just laughed.

"I apologize for the girls," I claimed as I sat down at the table. "They're just having fun."

"I always wondered," Sungmin began, sliding into the seat across from me, "If they bother you so much, why do you hang out with them?"

"Huh? They don't bother me. I love them."

"You always complain that they like to stick you in girls' clothes and plot to make you more feminine."

I laughed, pulling a lock of hair out of an earring. "I  complain about it, but I actually enjoy it. I'm kind of weird that way. I really enjoy being pretty and having pretty clothes, but at the same time I like clothes that are comfortable and convenient. For example, I like dresses, because they can be pretty, or comfortable, or both, but they're not very convenient. Especially when I need to dance, or when it's windy outside. And the girls are all really nice to me. They don't just like to make me dress up. We can talk about good movies, and books, and funny mistakes we make. All in all, I actually like them," I finished, shrugging.

He shrugged, too, smiling. "Okay. I was just curious."

We ordered two different sushi platters, and when they came, I ate a piece, marvelling at how it melted in my mouth. "Oooooh, it's so delicious! Oppa, have a piece." I picked up a piece with my chopsticks, and held it out for him. "Say 'ah'..."

I put the piece in his mouth, giggling when his "ah" was choked out by the piece of food. "Ah, that really is good!" he declared around the food, "here, you try this one." He held out a piece for me, and I opened my mouth, laughing around the food. I always wanted to do that!

Of course, this was a public restaurant, and people were looking at us and whispering, but I was enjoying myself. Sungmin was adorable as ever, and ever-so-gentlemanly. We were wearing our couple rings, and he was wearing the pink mouse necklace that I had made him. I happily talked to him freely and easily about my life, and my anticipation for the exhibition, and even about my words with Zhou Mi, an issue he couldn't explain any better than I could but made me feel better anyway. Oh, and the food was good, too.

Strangely, though, even when I put my hand to my heart to feel it, it beat ever-steadily. It never sped up even once.

We continued to chat as we walked back to the company, and when it was within sight, I finally confessed that I sometimes got confused about the way I felt about all of the members, including him.

Sungmin took both of my hands in his own, covering them with his pink finger gloves.

"When this is all over, Minsung-ah, I hope you'll still talk to me the way you did just now. I was always afraid that you would keep hiding your thoughts and feelings from me, just because I was your favorite oppa. I didn't want that. I was happy, this past while, because you were yourself with me. And that's why... despite everything... I don't regret these past few weeks."

He didn't regret them. Did that mean that he liked it? That he might want something more? If that was the case, then all he had to do was say so, and I would stick to him like glue. But maybe he didn't quite know that.

"I don't regret it, either. When I'm with Oppa, for the first time, I feel pretty, and special, and I just wanted to ask... when you said those things, if you-" I had meant to say "if you really meant them," but was interrupted by a sudden explosion of movement and sound from every direction.

Bright lights flashed in my eyes, blinding me. People suddenly crowded around us, trapping us against the building. On instinct, we dropped our hands apart, and I pressed closer to him, starting to have gotten used to the constant warmth of his body whenever I was having a hard time.

There were voices, too, reaching me through the glare of the flashing lights. "Sungmin, what were you just talking about?" "Sungmin, how are you responding to criticism of you choice to date someone so much younger than you? "How long have the two of you been dating?" "Queen Be, you're still an undebuted artist, yet are getting a lot of attention because of this relationship. How is this affecting you?"

The questions were slowly crushing me against the wall, making me desperate to hide somewhere, but the pressure of Sungmin squeezing my hand gave me the strength to put on a charming, confident smile and slide my arm through Sungmin's, as if it were completely normal. Someday, it might be.

"Some people remarked that you've been very public with your romance after the scandal leaked, but before it never gave any evidence of it at all. Would you care to comment?"

"Well," Sungmin began, "when it all got out, we thought, why hide it anymore? Everyone knows now anyway. It's not that it didn't exist before that, it's just that now we're letting everyone see our relationship for what it really is." He smiled down at me in such a cherishing way, I felt heat rise into my cheeks, right in front of the cameras.

"Since you're comfortable with it now, would you mind giving us a kiss?"

There's something about the word "kiss" that drives people into a frenzy. Soon, that was all the reporters wanted-- for us to kiss.

I'd dreamt and dreamt of kissing those lips one day, imagining what they would feel like against my own. I'd actually done it once, even, but in a drunken state I couldn't even recall to memory, despite the events that had occured during it. Since then, though, it had never happened, and when our dates had begun, I had been secretly wishing it to happen within every single moment that I was with him. Despite this, it had never occured.

Until now. My heart was running a marathon in my chest aas he shrugged, turning to me. I could do nothing but shiver with apprehension when he cupped my face in his hand, his eyes asking me if I was ready for this. I nodded, as slightly as I could.

But an odd taste rose from the back of my throat and my gut twisted painfully. I ignored it, closing my eyes as time seemed to slow down Sungmin's movement of leaning down just a bit, so he could reach my lips. Yet even as I ignored the bile rising into my mouth, I heard voices in my head. First Henry, "Mel has a double-digit limit." Then Heechul. "Just as long as you know what's love and what's not." Then Kyuhyun. "Sometimes the line between loving the fans and loving girls can get a little hazy." Then, finally, Zhou Mi. "I didn't beg the company to let you stay just so you could be Sungmin's girlfriend."

My eyes snapped open, only to find Sungmin's face centimeters from my own. Suddenly, it didn't have the appeal it had just had. 

"Sungmin-oppa," I whispered, my eyes wide, and my entire body frozen in a state of horror about what I was about to do. "I... I can't."

He pulled back a little, his breath still warm on my face. "What do you mean?"

"I can't," I said again, stunned at my own words, yet knowing they were true. "I can't." They seemed to be the only words I was capable of. In shock at the realization of it, I jerked backwards, almost knocking over a cameraman. I backed away, my huge eyes never leaving Sungmin's confused face.

"I... I can't." I turned and ran, pushing past the reporters so I could get through the company doors and escape, if only for long enough to gather my thoughts.

I'm sure any other ELF reading this story would ask me, "well, why? Why couldn't you, when you've clearly been wishing for it all this time?" The answer I would have to give you, my lovelies, as I ran through the SM building that day-- for the first time taking sanctuary within it rather than from it-- was quite simple.

I couldn't kiss Sungmin because I didn't love him. Not the way a woman loves a man. I adored him as a member of Super Junior that has always struck me as adorable, and who had been nothing but sweet and patient and charming with me. I had loved him as a fan. I had lavished him with the affection that the ELF are entitled to give, especially to my bias. But that affection wasn't love, and it had taken me that one sober moment when his lips were so close I could feel his breath-- to realize it. 

Believe me, it wasn't just that he was someone I wasn't in love with. Please-- I'm an actress. But I would never put Sungmin through that level of pretend, any more than I could lie to Zhou Mi. My heartbeat had steadied because I'd gotten used to him. I didn't love him. I had never loved him.

It was all pretend. That was all it would ever be.