"Are you sure that's Yesung? His cheeks look swollen," Zhou Mi commented, pointing at the cheekbones of the pastel colored drawing I'd made, puffing up his own cheeks to look crazy.

I crumpled up the picture and threw it at him. "I'd like to see you draw with pastels!" I remarked, but the paper missed and bounced against Henry's head. We were in their dorm, and I was sitting on the bed, next to Zhou Mi, as we pulled my drawings out of the box and I showed them to Zhou Mi.

"Ack, I'm trying to work here!" Henry yelled, tossing the paper back and picking up his violin again.

Zhou Mi laughed and pulled out the next picture. It was one of him, a charcoal drawing I had spent hours on, since I wasn't used to drawing with charcoal. "Now this, this I like," he commented, holding the picture up to the light.

"I'm glad. It took me a ton of tries. You don't even see the discard pile."

Underneath it, I took out a photograph. "Jung Ah took this while I was working on it."

My hair was up in a messy clip, a single lock hanging down as I worked on the picture. Black smudges were everywhere, even on the tip of my nose, and my hands were almost completely black.

"I like this one even more," he remarked, taking the photograph out of my hands and setting it on the headboard. 

I dug under the drawings and pulled out a small wooden box. I handed it to Zhou Mi, trying not to smile.

"What is it?" he asked, examining it from all angles.

"It's a puzzle box I found in Chile. There's a code of numbers on the side. I put something for you on the inside. But you can only get it if you crack the code."

Henry, intrigued, came over and took the box from Zhou Mi. He looked at it, then grinned. "That's easy. You're easy to read. Four numbers, so it has to be fifteen and thirteen." he spun the dials, trying to open the box. I just laughed.

"Okay, maybe it's not fifteen thirteen. Maybe... 1989? Kyuhyun's birth year? My birth year?" He continued to spin dials, until finally giving up and throwing it back to Zhou Mi. "It probably doesn't mean anything."

Zhou Mi looked at it again, looking carefully at the numbers. Then back at me. "Do you think I'll be able to figure it out?"

"If you can't, no one can," was the answer.

After all of the pictures had been looked through, and the pencil drawing of Henry given to its muse as a gift, the three of us all gathered onto a single bed, sharing a bag of Doritos, watching a movie. It felt extremely comfortable, between the two of them. They were my two favorite guys in the world. Might people view it as weird? As ? I didn't think of it that way. We were just watching a movie. A bed was just somewhere to sleep.

By the time the movie was over, my jet lag was starting to catch up to me, and I was starting to doze off. Henry jumped up, tossing a pillow at me. 

"Alright, movie's over. Now go home!"

I made a face at him and just cuddled in tighter, firmly attaching myself to my boyfriend. "No. I'm staying right here."

"Mel, you can't stay here again! You... you need to take care of your cat!"

I shook my head, sighing. "I fed him when I dropped him off..."

"Don't make me drag you out of here," Henry threatened, but I just looked up at him, eyes wide, pulling out the tears.

"Don't you dare," he demanded. 

I shuddered, blinking up at him, my eyes watering.

"Stop! Don't do that! I can't... I know you're faking it, Mel!"

The tear fell, and he groaned, throwing another pillow at me. "Oh, fine. Stay here."

I smiled, blinking away the rest of my forced tears. "You're the bestest big brother ever, Henry. You know that, right? I'll make breakfast tomorrow, 'kay?"

He perked up, wide-eyed. "Pancakes?"

"Crepes," I added, going up a step in deliciousness.

He nodded, crawling into his own bed. "Deal. Alright, I'm turning off the light, since Zhou Mi's already asleep. No funny business, alright?"

"I wouldn't do it in front of you, Henry," I replied as the room went dark.

Through the blackness, I heard Henry say, "maybe you should move. His arm might fall asleep."

I laughed. "I tried. He wouldn't let go." Admittedly, I hadn't tried very hard.

He made choking sounds. "Alright, fine. Goodnight, Sis."

"Goodnight, Bro."

"¡Ayyy, chica, que afortunada! Bueno suerte con tu boda!" I cheered, running into the karaoke room the Rstory girls were waiting in, grabbing Eliz in a hug and laughing. She pushed me away, while the other girls giggled.

"I don't understand what you're saying, Mel."

I laughed. "You're a hot item, aren't you? Already married."

"Says you! You've been dating a guy for, what, a year?"

"Well, a little less than a year. And half of that time shouldn't even count because I was in a different country. We didn't even get to see each other."

"Uh huh. So did SM's plan work?"

"What plan?"

"Where they forced you into a long-distance relationship, hoping you would break up?"

"Well-"

"Because I don't think it worked," Jacklyn interrupted, grinning conspiratorily.

"W-why do you say that?"

"We went to your apartment last night, and you weren't even there," Em explained, sitting down next to me on the couch. "Whose house did you sleep over at?"

I bit my lips, and then finally said, "Henry's."

"Knew it!" Em exclaimed, jumping to her feet. "You naughty, naughty girl!"

"I just... didn't want to go home. I mean, it's been so long without seeing him..."

Eliz "tsk tsk"ed and waggled her finger at me. "You shouldn't be that way, dear."

"Yeah. Chicks before , right?" Em suggested.

"Emily!" I yelled. "Coming from the one with a boyfriend she started dating because they can't stop thanking each other!"

"Hey, it's kind of a fun game."

I laughed, rolling my eyes. "I missed you guys, too. Tell me everything."

Back to the vocal practice rooms, where, for the moment, it was quiet. Once again, I looked through my notebook, the pencil poised over the page. I was so unbearably happy with everything, with the relief that everything was fine, that SM had failed, that my morose writer's mind was dried up. It terrified me.

I hadn't written a single thing in over half a year. The thought made my insides turn, but I couldn't afford to waste my time if I wasn't going to write anything. I changed into my excercise clothes, then went to the dance practice room (the one with the clouds), and hit "play" on the music.

Our competition between Kyu-Line, Psycho Club/Chocoballs and FASE was only in a few weeks, and so I still had plenty to occupy myself with. I hadn't been left out of the dance group, for some reason, so I poured every bit of frustration into the dance moves, repeating them until I could get through them without mistakes.

Sweat ran down my forehead, but I kept going, watching myself in the mirror.

Why couldn't I write anything?

My foot slipped, and I crumpled to the floor, covered in sweat. 

"Need a partner?"

I looked up, seeing Tiffany leaning against the doorframe. She walked over, holding out a hand to help me up. I took it, getting to my feet, still huffing, out of breath.

"Are you okay, honey?" she asked, seeming honestly concerned.

I wiped the sweat off my forehead and shrugged. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You're a bad liar. You don't practice dancing this hard unless something's wrong. Everyone knows that."

She caught me. Dancing, focusing every bit of my concentration on the way my body was moving, forced my mind to move away from darker thoughts. I'd been happy. I didn't want those dark thoughts. So I used the practice to push them away, if only for a little while.

I looked down, knowing that I couldn't lie to her. "I guess... I guess I'm still trying to figure out what happened when I went to Chile. Something is wrong. I'm still trying to figure out what it is."

She sighed, shrugging. "Well, if there's anything I can do to help..."

I bit my lip, looking up at her. "You want to practice together?"

Back in my dorm, looking at my computer. No makeup, no fancy clothes, not even wearing my contacts, back to my purple glasses. But with the man sitting next to me on the couch, playing with my cat, I still felt beautiful.

"Oh wow... Por Poco Tiempo got a lot of views... and look at the comments!"

I read them aloud, translating as I went. "At first the American girl kind of annoyed me, but then she came out in that bathing suit. One word: S."

"OMG Mary's so freaking funny. She has no idea what's going on."

"She's kind of hot, now that she's speaking Spanish."

"Does she actually speak that many languages?"

"Of course. That's Queen Be. She's a singer, too. Here's a link to the song."

"OMG 'keyboard mash* She's even hotter in the video."

I laughed, stopping the comment reading. "I think I've become a symbol."

ZhouMi looked over my shoulder at the comments. "Why is that funny?!"

I laughed harder. "Three years ago nobody was calling me y."

I switched tabs, logging into a blue page. "God, I haven't been on this site in forever."

I scrolled through my Tumblr dashboard while Zhou Mi played with KyuMin's paws. I started snickering, reading the captions below a picture of myself. "Oh look, ing On Kpop's spam is of me today."

"What?" he asked, leaning over to see what I was looking at.

"'In that dress, nothing less than a D," I read aloud, then moving onto a picture of me in my bathing suit, from my photoshoot. " 'Those thighs, those hips, those s, those lips. Short girls FTW.' I laughed. "It even rhymes."

He seemed suddenly fascinated, pushing KyuMin off of his lap. "You enjoy this kind of thing?"

I looked at him, raising an eyebrow. "Don't you?"

 He cleared his throat, quickly looking away. "No. Not at all."

"Liar," I scoffed, going back to reading. "Oh, this one's nice. 'I don't think I appreciated South American dramas until I got this little gem'. Wow, that's the first gif I've seen of that kiss. Looks pretty intense. They got it in serious HD."

"WHAT?!" He snatched the laptop away from me, and I laughed, doubling over.

"This... this is you?!"

"Yup. I must say, it's times like those I really appreciate my acting skills."

"This is what you were doing when you were in Chile?! You kissed him like that?"

I sat up, setting the laptop aside and twining my fingers in his hair, kissing him the same way I'd kissed Cezar, but this time, because I wanted to. I let go, smiling up at him. "Like this, you mean?"

He leaned back, blinking dizzily. "Like that." He sat back, closing the laptop. "When did you get so good at that? You've been very self-confident lately."

I shrugged. "Someone saw me before I'd lost weight, without fancy clothes, without makeup, and told me that he liked me. When someone important says that, you finally start to believe it. And, well, you know. I'm an actress. I've gotten practice."

I leaned forward to kiss him again when the door of the dorm swung open and Jung Ah walked in, throwing a dress at me. "Time to get back to work, lovebird. Remember? Strong Heart with Sungmin, Heechul, Donghae and Kyuhyun?"

"You did that on purpose!" I yelled, throwing a pillow at her.

"Of course. Zhou Mi, don't you have somewhere to go?" she asked him, using every bit of height she could muster to seem intimidating. Jung Ah didn't do intimidating. That was kind of a me thing. Without the natural intimidating personality, Jung Ah was a bit out of her league without the added benefit of height.

"Does she have to leave right now?"

"No. But you do."

"Eonni!"

"No back talking. This is serious. You're about to do a lot of dishing out on your past to the public. You know how fine of a line we have to walk, right?"

I sighed, not wanting to let go. "Fiiiiiine. I guess... I'll see you... soon, Mimi."

He smiled, nodding and petting KyuMin. "You'll be fine," he assured me. "Besides, the other members are there. They'll help."

I kissed his cheek, and watched him leave, feeling the hole again. I shook my head, reminding myself to focus on my job.

"And we have Queen Be and Kyuhyun, Donghae, Heechul and Sungmin from SuJu with the story 'Trainee tragedy.' the MC announced. "Though, I'm curious, Queen Be, if this was during your trainee time, how well did you know the Super Junior members?"

"At the time, Minsung worked at our dorm," Kyuhyun supplied, revealing the first of the surprising facts.

"She worked at your dorm?! Doing what?" You could tell where the MC's mind was going.

"I was the housekeeper. Kangin-oppa called me the Ahjumma."

The other guests laughed. "Why would you work as a housekeeper?" One of them asked.

"Haven't you been a trainee?! Do you know how poor I was?!" I remarked, looking back at her. "A job was a job, even if it did mean I had to chase these creeps around with a wooden spoon."

"Did she really?"

Donghae and Kyuhyun automatically nodded vigorously.

"Well, they didn't exactly make my job easy. With Eunhyuk and his smelly feet, All of the different animals to take care of, and the awful way Kyuhyun-oppa sleeps, and their picky eating habits, I started getting callouses on my hands!"

The camera panned in on my palms while the other guests laughed.

"So, you cooked for the members?"

"Queen Be was an expert. We kind of miss her. Minsung-ah, come back and cook for us!" Heechul teased, poking me in the shoulder.

"So... perfect wife material?"

The members all nodded. "Yeah. Perfect wife material."

I blushed and hid my face in the hands while the MC said, "message to anyone interested in dating our Queen Be. She's experienced in housework, is a good cook, and knows how to handle children. Super Junior approves her as the perfect wife."

"Just as long as he remembers that I expect him to do just as much work as I do. 'Wife' does not mean 'slave'."

We all laughed, and the episode went on. until it was my turn to tell my story. I started from the beginning, when my sister had gone to Australia for her study abroad, talking about all the trouble I had gotten into in the meantime, including meeting Heechul for the first time. Then there was the main part, the incident with my sister. I was in tears by the time I got to the point when I got back from the United States and had to leave again right away, not fighting them because I knew they were great for television.

"Wow... she really almost died?"

I nodded, sniffling and wiping my eyes with a tissue the MC had run to get from one of the staff. "She was in a coma for a while. I think, if she hadn't have recovered, I might not have returned to Korea anyway."

"But she's better now, right?"

"Yeah. She's back to doing Eskrima. She's still threatening to beat up anyone who tries to flirt with me."

They laughed again, and the tears cleared up.

"But then... I'm sure a lot of people are aware of my past relationship with Sungmin-oppa..." I began, squirming in my chair. This was the one I didn't really want to talk about. But it had to be revealed. He made a lot of good commentary, making it sound really funny instead of painful. I don't think I would have been able to say it without him.　With the cooperation of the other members, it turned into a ridiculous comedy of fooling the audiences and pranking the fans, instead of the hardest realization of my life.

"Wow... so you're saying it was all made up?"

We both nodded, and everyone applauded. I smiled a bit at Sungmin, giving him a bit of a subtle "thank you." I could move on with my life once that little fake-out was revealed to the public. I felt a little bad. I hadn't spent much time with My oppas since I'd gotten back. Yet they still helped me out, disguising it as teasing.

"Korean Barbecue, on me," I said to the guys when we got out of the recording studio. 

"Bold, aren't we? Money starting to get to your head?" Heechul asked, ruffling my hair.

I glared at him, fixing my hair, then shrugging. "I make more than you do."

"Now that you paid off that massive debt you've had."

"I paid all of that off with songwriting benefits. My performance contract is everything else."

"Speaking of that, the company wants you to write the opening for SMTown in August," Jung Ah mentioned.

"Eonni, this is not a time for work! Beef!" I shouted, met with ample agreement. She pursed her lips, looking concerned, but said nothing.

"Alright, so the girls are all working together on the Katy Perry Medly, right?" Henry asked.

"Yup. And the guys are all doing H.O.T covers. Then the Rstory girls and I are doing the mash-up of Lee Hi's 'Rose' and Bette Midler's 'The Rose'. Then we do the dance group..."

"Which is who again?" 

"Me, you, Min Hee, Aron, Jessica, Krystal, Amber, and the three UKiss guys. And Jacklyn."

"Right. So then Eliz, Em, Ali, Tiffany, Hanbyul, Sam and Kris are in the non-dance team."

"Exactly. Then finally we have our little surprise for the married couple."

"Huh?"

"Do you pay any attention at all, Henry?!" I scolded. "The evil plan for the Kevin-Eliz couple. The one the Rstory girls cooked up."

He looked up from the piano only a moment before he goes back to practicing the song he'd be playing for the instrumentals of the girls' performance. "Right. That one."

"That put us at six. For a closing number, we sing a whole big mix of Kpop songs. Should blow the competition out of the water."

I looked up at him over the rims of my glasses. "Henry, are you listening?"

"Hey, did you finish writing that song they asked you to write for the SMTown opening yet?"

I bit my lip. "I haven't had any inspiration for it yet."

"You'd better get working on it. We all need to practice before the show actually opens."

"I know... it's just..."

"Tired?"

"It's something."

"Would coffee help?"

I wrinkled my nose in disgust. "Ew. No. That would not help."

"Just asking."

Long past midnight. Exact time, unknown. I hadn't looked at the clock in hours. Below my feet, I had no doubt that trainees were still practicing, dancing choreography until their feet blistered, but in the vocal practice room, everything was quiet. Nothing but the furious scribble of my pencil over the notebook paper, my frustration building as the lead broke another time, scribbling out a ridiculous line so fiercely that the pencil ran through the paper.

I threw the notebook across the room, and it hit a drum set with a clang that would shake your bones. I dropped my head in my hands, fighting back tears. Nothing was coming. My earnings had dropped in the past few months, because I wasn't writing anything. With no new albums or promotions in six months, I was behind. I couldn't afford to fall behind.

Nothing came. Nothing happy, nothing sad. It was nothing like I had ever felt before. Not only did I not know the words to write, but I had nothing to write about. No deep emotions that made my heart overflow with song. I couldn't compose songs if I couldn't even write the words. 

I was nothing if I couldn't write. It was how I had gotten through training, it was how I was able to become a successful idol. Acting was one thing, but I had come to Korea to write songs. It was my goal in life, what I had done all this time. Without it, I might as well have just never come to Korea. Without it, I was worthless.

Finally, I gave in, dropping my head in my hands and letting the tears pour out, covering my glasses in a saltwater film, soaking the sleeves of my shirt in it. 

"WHAT?! Two more years? We've already been trainees for... so... long..."

I didn't look up. I didn't have to, to know that it was Kwon Mei, still somehow a trainee. She must have seen me. I couldn't let her see my face.

"Isn't that Minsung?" Another voice. That was SoHee.

"Shhhh... maybe we should go."

"Why? We haven't talked to her in ages. We can just wake her up and ask if she wants breakfast with us..."

"No. Maybe we should go get someone. I don't think she's exactly asleep. She looks upset."

"Did her boyfriend break up with her?"

"What?! Of course not! SoHee, shut up! You're going to make it worse! Just go get one of the SuJu sunbaes, okay? Maybe not Heechul-sunbae or Kyuhyun-sunbae, though..."

Their voices receded, thankfully. I sat up, wincing at the light that seared into my eyelids through the windows. Had I fallen asleep? Or maybe I had been crying for a very long time. It hadn't felt like that long. 

I stretched my aching limbs out carefully, standing up. I'd better go home. Word was going to spread that something was wrong. I didn't want to be at the company when that happened.

I walked over to the drum set to pick up my notebook, carefully attempting to set the cymbals back in the correct position. I turned and walked out, hurrying down the hallways. I covered my face with my hair, reminding myself of those first few weeks as a trainee, trying to make myself not stick out, trying to pretend that I was invisible. What a ridiculous concept. I could never be invisible.

Still, my hair could hide my eyes, red from tears. I didn't want anyone to see them. So many people had started to put their faith in my writing skills. So many people had asked me to write for them. Write for them in English. Fix their Engrish. What was I supposed to tell them? 

I made it to my apartment, thank goodness. I locked the door behind me, changing the passcode so not even Jung Ah could get in. I had a feeling that she wouldn't make it any better.

I ate candy. I patted my cat. I flipped through channels on my TV, wondering what would be on.

A rerun of Two Lands, One People. I sat and watched for a while, not even recognizing myself in the face of the woman on the screen. And then the song came on.

"But the rain still falls on both sides.
My tears and blood flow across the divide.
Two shattered families and two broken dreams,
filling heartbreaking silence with nightmarish screams."

I turned the TV off, feeling the tears come up through my throat again. That's always how they came. It was never just out of my eyes. It started with a lump in my throat, and it would rise until the heat reached my eyes, and the liquid would overflow and run out. 

KyuMin purred, and I pet him without even thinking about it. 

What was I going to do? What had I done wrong? What was wrong with me? What did I need to do to fix it? No matter what, my mind seemed to always go back to the same conclusion, the same one that always seemed like it just couldn't be the answer.

A soft knock on the door. "Niuwang? Are you in there? Some ofthe trainees came to the practice room and told Ryeowook that you were upset, and he told me. Is something wrong?"

"Go away," I grumbled, curling myself into a tighter ball, until KyuMin jumped off my lap and strutted away.

There was a long silence on the other side of the door. "Did I do something wrong?"

I almost laughed. What a ridiculous idea. Like he'd done something wrong. No, he hadn't. That was the problem.

I unfurled myself, going up to answer the door. 

He looked healthy, the exact opposite of me. Where I knew my cheeks were swollen and puffy, and my eyes were red from crying and lack of sleep, his face was perfectly clear, his brown eyes unmarked and full of pure concern. My heart jumped at the sight of him.

"You seemed fine before... I just..."

I shook my head. "I didn't want anyone to know."

He looked down at the notebook in my hands. "Are you having trouble writing? Maybe I can help."

I swallowed, fighting back another set of tears as I shook my head and stepped away from the door, letting him into the room. "No. I don't think you can."

I could see his eyes wander around my mess of an apartment. The TV, turned towards the wall, several books spilled from the bookcase, pencil-smeared paper lying crumpled nowhere near the recycling can. I usually kept the place clean, in case of visitors. But recently, I just hadn't cared.

"I guess I can't be happy unless I'm miserable," I said, trying to laugh, only coming out with a strange choking sound. 

He opened his mouth, then closed it. "You're really going to do this to me, aren't you?"

I couldn't look at him. "At least until I figure out what's wrong with me. I don't want you to be dragged down with me."

"Niuwang, you only..."

"Just go."

Long silence. Hold it together, Melissa. Just a little bit longer. 

The door closed behind him, and I finally collapsed to the ground, holding my head in my hands. Everything was supposed to be fine when I came back from Chile. Everything was supposed to be fine.

How was I supposed to know that I would be the problem?