On our way back to Seoul, we all crammed into the van, and I was surrounded by the chaos of a bunch of guys and only two girls (myself and Jung Ah). The two managers took the front seats, so I found myself crammed between Kyuhyun and Ryeowook in the back. Because if there wasn't someone inbetween them, they'd start arguing. 

I, personally, found it unnecessary. With that many people in the vehicle, there wasn't much room to move. Kyuhyun spent most of the time on his computer, and Ryeowook fell asleep while looking out the window.

I, myself, sat squished in the middle with my elbows tucked tightly to my sides, attempting to write the song in my head. It was my first fan thank-you. 

But quickly I felt my eyelids start to droop, and the pencil fell out of my hand. The darkness faded in, and I had a dream of walking through a winter in the mountains, looking for someone. Then I heard a voice calling my name, and looked up and smiled.

I woke up to hear Leeteuk calling my name. He was trying to suppress a grin. 

My neck hurt. I was leaning on Kyuhyun's shoulder.

 I jerked up to sit straight, almost hitting Kyuhyun on the bottom of the chin. "Oppa! Why didn't you wake me up?!"

He shrugged. "You weren't bothering me. I took a bunch of pictures of you while you were asleep, though. It was pretty funny."

I glared at him, but before I could punch him or anything, Jung Ah was opening the door, and we were back in the cloudy Seoul sunlight. Ryeowook got out, then got out of the way so I could get out of the van. He looked like he was going to help me out, but I jumped out of the van on my own, landing lightly on my good leg. My right leg was going to be massively strong by the time my left one healed.

"Ugh, finally!" I yelled, stretching my arms. Then I realized that I didn't have my notebook. I went back to the van door, searching the floor frantically for my notebook. "It's not here! WHERE IS MY NOTEBOOK?!"

"Oh, you mean this?" Kyuhyun asked, holding up my notebook and grinning. "It slipped from your hands while you were sleeping. Since you were obviously showing it to me, I took the advantage to read it. It's fairly wonderful. I'm impressed. I especially like the lines 'Kyuhyun-oppa is so handsome, I could faint'."

I lurched towards him, trying to snatch the notebook from his hands. "I never wrote that! You're making things up!"

"Or how about this one?" Kyuhyun joked to the other members, pulling the notebook away from my grasp, and reading aloud, " 'I know that life can be a bunch of muck. I know that your day can often really .' Pure poetry, isn't it?"

I snatched the notebook back, my cheeks warm. "It's not that good, okay? Not everything I write can be wonderful, alright?! I have to fail sometimes!" I clutched the notebook to my chest. I was starting to run out of pages.

"Kyuhyun-ah, didn't I say to be nice?!" Leeteuk yelled, trying to grab Kyuhyun's shirt. "Be nice to Queen Be! We're stuck with her for another few weeks! She's our translator!"

"What do you mean, 'stuck with me'?" I cried, indignant.

"I'm sorry, Minsung, that's not what I meant-"

I burst out laughing. "I'm just kidding, Ahjusshi! Calm down!" I laughed again, then stretched. "I'll see you soon, Oppa-deul. Until then, Bye!"

"Wait, so let me go through the entire list. Ryeowook got a girlfriend, so you gave up. Your feelings for Sungmin were just fangirl feelings, and they wore off. You had a chance with Eunhyuk, and he stood you up, so you realized that you didn't feel like that about him, either. But your feelings didn't wear off for Donghae, but you saw him and his best friend talking to each other, and you just... walked away?" Min Hee's voice through my phone's speakers sounded completely confused.

I fell backwards onto my bed, staring up at my ceiling, still clutching my phone to my ear. "I'm officially giving up on this whole 'love' thing. I don't think it's for me. I think I'm just going to be eternally single."

"Why's that?" Min Hee asked, sounding concerned.

"My fangirl is getting in the way. I feel like the only kind of person my fangirl side opens up to would be a fanboy or a member of Super Junior. I've never met a SuJu fanboy. And I'm just outright giving up on the members. I'm just getting myself hurt. And I can't even blame them for it, because it's not their fault that I'm disgustingly infatuated with them."

"But what about... um... Kyuhyun! And Zhou Mi! And Siwon, and... and... whatever. You still have them, right?"

"Min Hee, I'm not desperate. I think I'm done playing this game. I need to focus on my career."

"What?! No! Don't stop playing the game! That's LIFE! If you quit, then what happens to our plans?!"

I jolted up on my bed, looking out my bedroom door to make sure that Jung Ah wasn't there. "What plans?!"

"Uh..." she hesitated, only increasing suspicion. "Uh...um...oh, bloody Hell..."

When I walked into Henry's dorm, he was fast asleep on his bed. I was ready to whack him in his sleep to wake him up, but then I saw my mother's signature on the bottom of a letter on his nightstand.

I walked over and picked it up, leaning against the wall as I read. Most of it wasabout how well the family was getting along, and how much she liked his family, and hoped we maintained contact, but then my absolute favorite part was this:

"Mel will probably kill you when she finds out you've been trying to pair her with people. She's stubborn, and likes to find things out on her own. I hope you're prepared for when she discovers that you and her friends have been pointing her towards romance. She's never been very good with relationships."

I heard a grumbling, and then, out of the corner of my eye, saw Henry sit up. His almost-closed eyes saw me standing there reading the letter, and snatched it out of my hand, suddenly awake.

"MEL! Why are you... you can't read that!"

"Too late," I answered, growling. "Is this your grand plan that you got my friends involved in?!"

"Well, the Wisconsin Girls just helped me figure out how to get you pointed in the right direction..."

"And the right direction was... what? Ryeowook? Sungmin? Eunhyuk? Donghae?"

"Actually, it was Sungmin first, then Kyuhyun. If it makes you feel better, our plan completely fell apart. Tiffany said Donghae should've been target number one, because Sungmin broke your double-digit limit, and Kyuhyun was too mean..."

I clenched my fist, ready to smack him. But I couldn't. It was all of FASE, all of the Wisconsin Girls, and Min Hee, too. 

I gave up. My palm cracked across his face, and a blooming red mark appeared on his cheek. I seethed, glaring at him. "I can't believe you, Henry! I trusted you!"

"Whoa, did I come in at the wrong time?" Zhou Mi asked, standing in the doorway with a fashion magazine in his hand, looking back and forth between me and Henry.

I stomped past him, leaving Henry behind. "No, you're fine, Mimi. Not your fault. But you'd probably better get him some ice for his face."

I stormed past him into the hallway, cursing in Spanish as loudly as I could.

"Minsung. Minsung, are you listening?" Jung Ah asked, waving her hand in front of my face. "Hello, earth to Choi Minsung..."

I looked at her, trying not to glare. "Sorry. What were you saying, Eonni?"

"You're on Immortal Song 2 tomorrow. You're going to get at least one performance there before you and the guys go off to the United States."

"Immortal Song 2?" I knew the variety show. A program where artists so popular they're considered legends come onto the show, and the younger, more modern generations of artists come onto the show and cover the songs, competing against each other for the best covers. "Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, I'm not exactly a native Korean. A lot of their legends will be somewhat lost on me."

"It's just one time, alright? And you don't have to win. Besides, it's not my decision. I just arrange the schedule."

I sighed, trying not to feel irritated at every single thing. "Alright, I'll be ready tomorrow. After filming for the drama."

"Yes, that's right. I know you're going to be tired, but can we please try not to be late? We've gone ten days without being late to anything. Can we try to make it eleven?"

I flicked my braid behind my shoulders, then nodded. None of it was Jung Ah's fault, and I couldn't hold it against her.

"And this week, we have a new guest. Queen Be, would you like to introduce yourself?"

I stood up, then bowed to the camera. "Annyeonghasseo, Queen Be imnida." I smiled as charmingly as I could, smiling when the others clapped. I didn't recognize a lot of the people that were there. Mostly rookies, like me. A lot of the more experienced modern artists had been on the show some time ago.

"She's a lot shorter than I thought she'd be. Are you sure you're from America?" one of the MCs asked, and I felt my cheeks turn red.

"The girls in my family never got very tall. The men usually reach six feet- I mean, 180 centimeters- pretty easily."

"So your family is from..."

"Wisconsin."

"Where's that?"

I shook my head hopelessly. "In the Midwest. Between the Great Lakes."

Everyone in the room gave me a weird look, so I just waved my hands and shook my head. "Never mind. People just think I'm Canadian, anyway."

After a shrug and introductions, we moved on to the main concept. Apparently I'd managed to get there on the week they were covering the legend of the 90's...

H.O.T. High-fives of Teenagers. Tacky, I know, but it was THE group of when my Oppas were kids. And I had a week to choose a song from them, compose it, and perform it. I could do this. At least it was something to distract me from my fury. 

Not to mention that apparently that particular week was also "Songs with a close Sunbae". I get all the specials, don't I?

"Minsung, do you know what happened to Henry? He's been staying in his room most of the week," Leeteuk asked when I entered SuJu's practice room. 

"Henry? Don't know, don't care."

The guys exchanged looks, as if it was extremely strange for me to not care about Henry. Which, I suppose, maybe it was.

"What are you here for?" Ryeowook asked, trying to be nice. 

"I'm on Immortal Song 2, right? But I need to compose a song. Something H.O.T. But then, I also need to pick a Sunbae to sing it with..."

"ME!" At least four members shouted. 

"But I thought that I cling too tightly to you guys. Maybe I should ask one of my SHINee sunbaes, or maybe BoA-sunbae, or even So Nyuh Shi Dae or f(x)..."

"Ya, are you betraying us?!" Heechul yelled, crouching so he was at my level, staring at me with those disturbingly large eyes.

"I'm not betraying you! Okay, fine, who wants to help? It can only be ONE person. I think I picked a song, but it might be difficult..."

A bunch of them crowded close, waiting to see who I'd choose to ask for help. I knew I shouldn't, but...

"Kyuhyun-oppa, can you please help me? I'm asking as humbly as I can, because I know Oppa has the best voice in the world."

He looked up from his corner. "You sure you want my help? I'm not easy, you know. People pay a lot for my time."

I glared at him. "Don't be a jerk, Oppa. Do I have to get on my knees and beg? I'll do it, you know."

"Hey, if you asked me, you wouldn't have to beg," Leeteuk whined, pouting.

"Alright, alright, if you insist," Kyuhyun answered, rolling his eyes. "So what are you singing?"

"Well, it's not exactly an H.O.T. era song. I wanted to go with a song I already knew, so I'm twisting the rules a little bit to fit my agendas. So it's not actually H.O.T, but it's an ex-H.O.T. member..."

"What exactly do you want me to do?"

"How good are you at acting?"

I had a pretty bad wedgie, sitting in the chairs in the backstage room for Immortal Song 2. But i couldn't pull it out, because Kyuhyun was sitting right next to me. I had to do my best not to appear uncomfortable, as much as it was bothering me. I'd chosen this outfit myself, at least for starters, but it was driving me insane. I just wanted to get this performance over already. I had a point to make.

"What order do you hope you get, Queen Be?" I was asked.

"I never really liked going last, because then I'd be stressing myself out about the people that come before me. So my own performance wouldn't be as good. but, then again, going first isn't that good, because then you aren't in the front of the audience's minds. So... second or third? Oppa- I mean- sunbae, what do you think?"

Kyuhyun shrugged. I frowned, glaring at him.

"Actually, Kyuhyun-shi, this is your second time on Immortal Song, isn't it? A comeback, after a long time?"

He shrugged. "I came to help my dongsaeng. She's not the greatest singer, so she's using my vocals to cover hers."

"OPPA!"

He laughed, and I tried not to look miserable. 

"So why did you really ask Kyuhyun-shi, Queen Be?"

"Well, when I came to Korea, my confidences were in acting and songwriting, not singing..."

"See? Wasn't I right?" Kyuhyun cut in.

"Shut up, Oppa!" I shouted, surprising the group. "ANYWAY, so I decided to add an aspect of the song that would take greatest advantage of my better skills, while still capitalizing on vocal abilities. So yes, Kyuhyun-oppa is helping me with vocals. But he makes it sound so terrible!"

The other artists laughed. "And so you're performing... 'Changed' by Tony An? I don't recognize that song."

"It's not one of his more popular songs, but it was one of my personal favorites. I was hoping that my performance of it could help the song gain some more popularity. It's really a powerful song."

"Well, we'll see if it turns out the way you want. Good luck, Queen Be. Now, Hyosung-shi, from S.A.L.T..."

I waited as our orders were drawn. We weren't first to go. Or second. I was getting more nervous by the second. One of the girls I didn't recognize, from a new girl group called "S.A.L.T," went before me, and all I could think about was how ridiculously well she turned the originally R&B/pop song, "Your Image in the Sunset" into a y, flowy dance with he female sunbae, Son Dambi, still keeping their voices level. It would be a long time before I admitted it, but I was jealous of girls who could be y. It wasn't really my talent. I was too short and stocky.

And, of course, we were directly afterwards. Great way to work. Now I was nervous.

"Any advice for me, before we go out?" I asked Kyuhyun, "Since you've done this before, and all."

"If you think you're going to win, you won't."

"That's wonderful. Well, since I don't really think I'm going to win, I have a pretty good chance, right?"

"How much do you trust me?" he asked, as we approached the stage. I could hear the audience shifting in their seats. 

I looked up at him, thought about it, then sighed. "A lot. More than I should, probably."

"Then we'll be fine. Although if we lose because of you, I might just go home and cry."

"That's comforting, Oppa. Thanks."

The lights go down, then spotlight on Kyuhyun and I. I smile up at him, taking his hand, as the instruments began to play. How much do you trust me?

I needed to get into the spirit of the music. I was singing, right? But as long as I could act it, everything would be fine. Just lose yourself in the character, Melissa. That's what makes everything go right.

His hand was ripped away from me, and I watched him go, all the while looking back at me, as he was pulled away by men in military uniforms.

As they pulled him away, he looked back at me, saying something softly as he left, looking like he wasn't ready to go. Then he disappeared from view, and I sang to myself, wondering if it will be alright.

"The expression of the tears, and tears, and tears,
that never stop.
My heart, my hard, hardened heart...
it disappeared."

He came back into view, and I saw the way he'd changed. A military uniform. A rifle. Where was the person that used to be with me? He's talking with the men around him. 

In two different worlds, we're singing the same song. Time and distance, what has it done to us?

He turned away from me. No, wait... come back. Please, don't walk away from me. I'm waiting for you. Can't you see it?

I made my way towards him, and there were people in my way. My own friends, saying to just wait. then more men in military uniforms, pushing me away. But I got through, and he finally looked at me and says, "My heart, my hard, hardened heart... this changed."

I fall to my knees in front of him, wanting to scream. Tears leak from my eyes as the world spins around me. Everything's going away, and my friends drag me away from him. I can no longer see him.

He watched as I went, then finished the words I never got to say, as if he had wanted to say them, but knew that he wouldn't be allowed to. "Tell me the truth. To me, now, everything's gone home. Love is changed."

Someone came and gave him a letter, and when he opened it and read it, he looked up, and he was at my wedding. I'd met someone else. "Love changed," I whispered, and tears fell from my eyes.

We said the words together, and I clutched my chest to stop myself from falling apart. This is what happened when he went to the military. Both of us thought we'd changed. because time is supposed to make change. But as a result, all we'd done was destroy ourselves.

The illusion disappears, and suddenly I'm back onstage, in a wedding dress and holding a microphone. I turn and look at Kyuhyun, waiting for the audience to stop applauding. Both of us bow, and the applause just continues. Were they going to stop any time soon?

"Good job," I whisper to Kyuhyun. He wasn't the greatest dramatic, romantic actor, but he'd really put his all into the performance. I'd expected him to completely reject the idea when I'd proposed it to him, but he'd only said that it sounded like a challenge, and that he'd do his best. And he really had. It was easy to picture that feeling of regret with him.

When finally the audience was quiet enough for me to leave the stage, the girl from S.A.L.T and her sunbae, Son Dambi, joined us onstage.

"Wow. Just... wow, Queen Be, that was a very in-depth performance... how did you think of that?"

"Well, I just connected it to my own feelings in regards to the military draft system here in Korea. Although I know it's an effeicient system, and just a part of life, I know there are some romances that fail because of it. And I know that I'll be sad the day that Kyuhyun-oppa has to go. And I'll always worry about it."

"Well, it was very... surprising. HOW in the world did you change that fast?"

"Most of the costume changes weren't that complicated," I answered. "Oppa just put an army jacket on top of his shirt, and I just put the wedding dress on top of my original outfit, and put the veil on. You never really need the full costume for these things- just enough to get the point across."

I wondered if maybe the whole thing was a bit much. The storyline, the drama, the singing...

I bit my lip hard while the audience voted, trying not to look nervous otherwise. It was just a variety show. My career would go on without it.

"Well, let's see what the judges thought of your performance. Tony?"

My heart leaped. They'd managed to get three of five H.O.T. members onto the show, despite them all being at different companies, and one being the MC of the show. Kangta, Heejun, and Tony An.

"I was really surprised when I heard she'd be doing this song. Most people don't even know about it. But you really... it didn't even feel like my song anymore. It felt like yours. I felt like I was watching a drama, and yet your voices fit the song really well."

Kangta looked down at us. "It doesn't really feel like an H.O.T cover, though. But I guess we can let it go. But why'd you want to not do a H.O.T. song?"

"I didn't grow up with the group. I knew of Tony-sunbae from some of my variety show explorations... and I thought his songs were more similar to my own individual style."

Tony's ears turned pink, and he clapped for me. "I can't even say anything to that. I've never had a foreign fan before."

"I wouldn't really count myself as a fan..."

His ears turned even darker pink as Heejun and Kangta laughed at him.

"Alright, then let's show the audience's decisions!" the MC shouted, trying to calm the chaos. 

I grabbed Kyuhyun's hand, clutching it tightly with nerves. If I lost on my first round, how would that look for him?

The lights blinked faster, and I felt him squeeze my hand. How much do you trust me?

The lights on the other side of the stage went dark. But ours were still on.

More than I should.

"Hey, look, they're back! Minsung, Kyuhyun, how'd you do?" It was BoA, looking like she was headed to a music video shoot, the way her hair was styled. Sometimes I envied her, though. It must be nice to be an older, more established artist. She wasn't doing dramas, and commercials, and tours, and variety programs, every single day of the year. She actually got substantial breaks occasionally. My breaks usually consisted of an afternoon or morning or two. 

I did my best to look depressed. "I don't know. It doesn't matter. Find out in a week. When they air the episode."

"Are you okay? Kyuhyun-ah, you didn't let her LOSE, did you?!"

I let a tear slip, and quickly hurried away. "Just leave it alone, okay?!" I shouted to her, knowing that I shouldn't be rude to my sunbae, but knowing that the reaction she'd have when she found out the truth in a week or so would be completely worth any reprimands.

I ran into the vocal training room, then let myself start laughing. I had won. We had won. If people didn't know who I was before, they would know me now. 

Before we headed to the United States, our first stop was a small preview concert in Beijing. I was going to China! I wondered what kinds of things I would see, what I could explore. We were only going to be staying long enough to have the concert and then head straight to the U.S, but it was enough.

I looked around at the airport as we headed toards our gate. Well, shoved around it was more like it. There were tons of people there, all crowding to see their oppas off before their grand tour. security was having a hard time getting us through.

"Ahjumma, stay close to us, or you'll get crushed," Kangin commented, leaning over to whisper it in my ear. Despite no longer being the dorm's housekeeper, Kangin still called me "Ahjumma".

Believe it or not, I was an expert at pushing through crowds. I used my small size as a sort of arrow point, to force myself through tiny gaps in crowds, shoving them out of their way if the need came to it. 

Still, I did stick pretty close to my Oppas. But not for fear of being crushed. In fact, plenty of people were holding up black and gold signs with my own stage name on it. I had fans, too. Seeing me off at the airport, just like any other kpop artist. It's not a feeling that I could ever really describe.

I turned around when we reached the gate, looking at the faces of the ELF and the Honey Be's, trying to memorize every detail of them. It felt strange, to be leaving Korea. I hadn't left it in a long time. Not since my sister's near-death, and that had been almost a year previous, already. It felt like I was leaving home. In a weird way, maybe I was.

I focused the eager faces of the fangirls in my mind, trying to capture the image of them for the road, to remind mself that this was where it began.

But when I turned back around to run and catch up to the members, their image was already fading.