Backstage, I felt like I was going to have a complete mental breakdown. I'd performed for people before. I'd been a stage actress. I had absolutely no qualms about acting in front of people. But I had complete confidence in that ability. Playing the ukulele... well, I was hardly an expert. But I absolutely did NOT want to let Sungmin down. So there I was in the backstage room with the other instumentalists, feeling like a complete outsider. Apparently the rest of them knew each other. But me, I just practiced the chords of the song over and over again, trying desperately not to mess up, even though my hands were shaking. 

There were thousands of people out there. I could hear their voices through the walls. Even at its most packed, our school auditorium had only fit about five hundred. I didn't know if I was ready for such a big crowd. But then again, this wasn't my performance. They didn't even care about me. It was about Sungmin. But that only means that if I messed up, he'd look bad instead!

Speaking of Sungmin, Where was he? He was the entire reason I'd agreed to do this, yet he was nowhere to be seen.I wasn't sure if seeing him would calm my heart down or make it beat even faster, but I still wanted to know where he was.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and quickly turned towards it. Sungmin-oppa?!

Disappointment. It was the instrumentalists director.

"Hey, Ukulele Girl. your performance is coming up, so go wait in the hallway. Sungmin's still in the dressing room, so you'll have to meet him on the way there. And stop playing, or your hands will bleed. And you don't do us any good that way."

He was right, of course, but my hands were shaking so badly that I had to do something to keep them busy. normally I would blame their shaking on hunger, but my nerves had caused me to binge on food, meaning that I had eaten much more than usual. No, this time I was definitely nervous. I didn't think I was ready for so many people.

I went out into the hallway, waiting for Sungmin. I leaned against the wall, clutching my precious ukulele to me. I nibbled on the fingernails of my free hand, trying to make it stay still. 

I looked up when I heard footsteps, just in time to see Sungmin stop and turn to me. And then he was reaching out and taking my hand. I almost dropped the ukulele. 

"Minsung, your hands are shaking. Are you okay? Do you need a pair of gloves? It's pretty cold..."

My hands were not shaking because they were cold. I was able to handle these temperatures in much less clothes than what I was wearing, much better than most of those present could. I'd heard plenty of them complaining about the outdoor concert considering the weather, but it wasn't yet below ten degrees, so I still found it tolerable. But...

"I think I might be sick." The words slid out of my mouth before I could stop them. Great, now be a big baby and make Sungmin worry about you. Great way to inspire confidence, Melissa!

"Minsung, are you nervous?!"

I nodded, my hands shaking even harder after I admitted it to him.

"I couldn't bear to know... that I ruined your performance, Oppa. I would hate myself."

"Minsung, you're not going to ruin the performance. I'll be right there; just count on me. I trust you."

My heart skipped a beat. He trusted me. I could've cried. I wanted to, but I didn't, because I had to look nice onstage, and thus was wearing makeup that would not have handled tears very well. 

In a way, I think what I wanted from my Oppas more than anything was for them to trust me. That's why I worked so hard to make sure that they knew that I was there to support them, and tried not to do anything that would hurt them, or embarass them, or scare them away. I wanted their trust.

I had it.

His hand felt cool on my own, and steady. He was so calm, it was incredible. But his eyes were so focused on me. His eyes, so dark, they were almost black. And he trusted me.

I wanted that moment to last forever. I wanted him to keep holding my hand steady. But it wouldn't, and he couldn't. There were too many people waiting for him.

So I gently pulled my hand away, giving a strong smile. "Okay, Oppa. If you trust me, then I guess I better do my job."

I remember when I first met Sungmin, Min Hee had asked me if I thought I would be able to practice choreography, and I'd said that I'd felt like I could fly. I didn't feel like that now.

I felt even better.

 I sat down in the chair on the side of the stage, just behind him. This wasn't a play; I didn't have to look at the audience. Actually, since I wasn't one of the features, I was encouraged not to look at them, because apparently it creeped people out. 

But before I adjusted my ukulele in my grip, I snuck a peek out to the audience. 

Somehow my friends had managed to find glow-in-the-dark, bright purple paint, and had made up a huge sign that read "QUEEEEEN BEEEEEE FIGHTIIIIIIIING!" They were holding it over their heads, screaming as loud as they could. If it weren't for the sign, I probably wouldn't have been able to find them, but since they did have it, I was able to find them in a mere glance. 

But then I had to return to my ukulele. The audience quieted when Sungmin came to the stage, and stepped up to the microphone. I may have been hallucinating, but I could have sworn I saw him give me a small, encouraging smile. 

"Annyeonghasseo, Super Junior Sungmin imnida..." The crowd screeched again. "Yeah... thank you for taking the time this Chirstmas Eve to give to those in need. I hope you enjoyed the performances of the previous singers." More screaming. "So, instead of singing a traditional Christmas song, i wanted to sing a song that reminded the people that aren't very well off that somewhere, somehow, things are better. This is an adaptation from the version by Israel Ka'ano'i Kamakawiwo'ole." He paused, careful to get the name right. He even glanced at me, hesitating, but I gave him the slightest of nods, to encourage him. Had he practiced saying that name just so he could say it correctly for me?

After another brief bit of screaming, he finished with, "Ye... I hope you all like it."

He nodded to me, and I began to play. The strumming was much more difficult than I'd played before, but I concentrated as hard as I could, listening to Sungmin make his own take on the song, his sweet voice so different from Iz's deep, airy Hawaiian voice, yet still so pretty and peaceful. In one of the quick glances up I took, I saw the audience swaying to the side. 

The ukulele was a truly beautiful instrument, if it was played right. But I wasn't perfect, or very experienced, and I was no Iz Kamakawiwo'ole. Yet something about the words of the song, combined with the dancing strings under my fingers, dug into my heart.

"Somewhere over the rainbow,
Way up high,
There are dreams that you dream of,
once in a lullabye 

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly,
and the dreams that you dream of--
Dreams really do come true

Someday I wish upon a star--
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me, 
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
High above the chimney top,
That's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly,
And the dreams that you dare to,
Oh why, oh why, can't I?

Someday I wish upon a star--
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me, 
Where trouble melts like lemon drops,
High above the chimney top,
That's where you'll find me

Oh, somewhere over the rainbow,
Bluebirds fly,
And the dreams that you dare to,
Oh why, oh why, can't I?"

I hadn't really thought about it until then, but the song was about wishing for a place where dreams exist without obstacles. Wishing for the ability to dream what you want to, no matter what. I'd been told more times than I could count that it was ridiculous that I could want to meet a Korean idol, or to perform onstage, because I was the typical American girl. I had rules to follow. And as a trainee, so many people told me that I was never talented enough to make it to debut. Yet here I was. In this stage in the cold of the Korean winter, playing the ukulele for Sungmin, facing thousands of people for a concert to help those much less fortunate, I was Somewhere Over the Rainbow. 

Sungmin finished with the "Ooohs" that Israel had in the original, but let them fade into the audience, closing his eyes on the last "ooh," instead of crossing into the Hawaiian that Iz had. But I found that this fit Sungmin so much better. 

It was silent for a moment, and then the audience erupted in screams. I started to stand up, vacating the stage, as the director had told me to do, but then Sungmin said into the microphone something that made me freeze.

"Everyone, please give a big hand to the guest ukulele player, one of SM's new trainees, Queen Be!"

Suddenly thousands of people were looking right at me. Suddenly thousands of people were clapping for me. Suddenly thousands of people knew who I was, and where I worked, and why I was there. 

My muscles locked up. My mouth dropped open. I had been in the process of leaving. I was going to leave, right? 

Slowly, I turned to the audience and bowed, but my eyes never left Sungmin's face. Sungmin, who was clapping for me. 

I bowed again, forcing an easy smile out of my face. As if I did this all the time. As if this wasn't my first ukulele performance for a crowd of over five EVER. And then I left. I walked back into the behind stage area and down the hallway, holding my ukulele with a deathgrip. When I finally returned to the backstage room that housed the instrumentalists, I slid down the wall until I hit the ground, let my ukulele fall out of my hands, and then dropped my face into my hands.

What had Sungmin done?! The public wasn't supposed to know about SM's trainees yet. Until we were announced, to the public we were supposed to be shadows, unknowns, invisible. We weren't yet important. But if the public has a name and a face... now that he'd drawn attention to me...

It seemed like only a moment before I felt my hands being pulled away from my face. 

"Minsung-ah, Gwenchanha?" Sungmin's eyes were so sweet and full of concern that any small inclination I had to slap him as soon as I saw him vanished instantly. 

"No, no, I'm not okay, this isn't okay! You weren't supposed to say that! The company-- the contract-- they told me I could do this so long as I remained anonymous! Igmyeong! Do you know what that means in English?! 'No name.' What's going to happen to me-- to you-- when they find out that now I'm no longer anonymous to thousands of people?"

 He sat down next to me, letting go of my hands. "Minsung, do you know why SM keeps the trainees anonymous until they announce it themselves?"

I shook my head. I had to admit, I hadn't really given much thought to the why, just that that was how it was. I clung to my miniscule place in SM like a bat to a wall, desperately avoiding what would endanger it. 

"Once the public gets a name, they become curious. They start pressuring the company to show them more. They ask questions, they give the name support. Once the public knows, they make it much more difficult for the entertainment company to let go of the name as they wish. That's why they don't let anyone know until they want to."

"B-but, the contract..." I sputtered.

"You had absolutely no intention on doing that. All the blame will go to me."

"Oppa! No, you can't do that!" I'd much rather take my own heat from SM than let Sungmin get punished for doing something he wasn't supposed to, even if it was helping me.

"It's a bit late for that. Besides, SM can't get rid of me like they can to you. This way, you're much stronger in the company than you were before, and they can't even punish you for it. Don't worry about me, Minsung, I can take whatever they throw." He smiled, and I felt like a criminal. I didn't deserve any of this. 

"But why? Why go through the trouble?"

"We need you, Minsung. It's really simple. You can help us crack into the Western markets, teach us English... and you'll never get impatient with us, because by some magic, you're an ELF. SM'll never admit it, but it needs that in order to go forward. But we needed to make sure you could do that without SM completely taking advantage of you. It wouldn't be fair. So I decided to help. It was a pretty good plan, I think." I hadn't even noticed, but his arm was around me, and he was trying to comfort me. I should have pulled away when I realized it, but I didn't want to. 

"You did it on purpose? this was all your idea?"

Suddenly a shadow fell over us, and I looked up to see an evil smile. 

"Technically... it was my idea."

I went back to the company with Kyuhyun and Sungmin, still afraid of what would happen to them. 

"It won't be that bad, Jageun. You don't know it, but you're a favorite among our international investors. They'll have a hard time getting rid of you, anyway."

"Kyuhyun, don't call her that," Sungmin scolded.

"What, Jageun? But she is."

"Still. So Minsung-ah, are you going to write us a song?"

"Well, um-"

"Of course she does. She owes us now. Don't you, Jageun?"

"Kyuhyun-oppa, I don't have to owe you anything. All you have to do is ask. Chincha."

He seemed surprised that I'd been sassy all of a sudden, but recovered quickly.

"I'm asking."

"What do you say?"

"Write a song. An English one, with nice lyrics and words that we can pronounce."

"What's the magic word?"

He made a face. "Please."

I grinned. "Well, since you're begging me, Oppa, I guess I can oblige you."

"Sungmin doesn't have to say please!"

"He's my bias. He doesn't have to."

"Jageun..." I could tell he was planning on doing something mean, so I quickly hid behind Sungmin.

"Kyuhyun-ah, be nice to Minsung!"

I stuck my tongue out at Kyuhyun, earning myself a devil glare, but I was starting to get braver. He must not hate me if he decided to risk his neck in order to strengthen my place in the company. 

Faster than I wanted, we were in front of the executive offices in the company. And Sungmin and Kyuhyun had to go in. 

"You should go home, Minsung. We can handle ourselves."

"Are you sure?"

"Minsung, are you doubting me?" Kyuhyun sliced.

"Yeah, good point. I don't think even Kim Young Min can beat my Oppas." It wasn't true and I knew it, but I wasn't going to say it. "Oppa, hwaiting!"

"Keep working hard, Minsung."

Before I knew it, I was hugging Sungmin as tightly as I could, and he looked about as surprised as I had been when he had embraced me. I breathed him in for a second, then let go and bowed. "Annyeong Oppa." I turned and started to walk away, but I felt a hand catch my wrist.

"Are you forgetting something, Jageun?"

I faced them again, wracking my brain for what it could be. 

"Thank you so very, very, very, much for what you've done for me, my amazing, wonderful Oppas?"

"It was nothing. But that's not it." Kyuhyun's hand didn't move from my wrist, and he kept looking down at me expectantly.

"Umm... I'll work very hard on your song?"

"You'd better. But that's not it."

"Ummm..." I was running out of ideas. What could Kyuhyun possibly want from me that he'd be preventing me from leaving?

"No way... Do you want me to give you a hug?"

He grinned. "I'm waiting."

"Um, well..." Kyuhyun just didn't seem to be the kind of person you hugged. 

But I hugged him anyway, much briefer and not nearly as tightly as I'd hugged Sungmin, and then i bowed and left.

"Mel, that was awesome! When did you become so good at the ukulele?!" I heard Ali ask over the phone. I could hear seagulls in the background, so I knew they were somewhere near the ocean. They'd be back in Seoul on Christmas morning so they could join Min Hee and I for present-opening. 

I'm not really that good, I wanted to say. I'm still a newbie. Oh, and by the way, Sungmin wasn't supposed to do that. "Henry and Sungmin helped a lot," I said instead, not lying, "But mostly it's practice after practice after practice. Same with me and dancing."

"We screamed the loudest. Just wanted to say that. Oh, and why didn't you tell us that Sungmin was going to announce you at the concert?!"

Because I didn't know. "I don't know, I guess we wanted it to be a surprise."

"Well, Jacklyn's talking to this cute Korean guy selling some kind of foodstuff. So, see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah, see you then." Provided I don't get kicked out of the company.

"Bye Maknae!"

"Bye, Ali-eonni." I hung up the phone and continued up the stairs to my dorm. I was still in a daze, confused and worried. I came here wanting to help my Oppas, right? That's what i wanted. I wanted SM to treat them better. And now, they were getting in trouble just because... because what? They had protected me from SM? It wasn't supposed to work like this. It was supposed to be the other way around. I was supposed to protect them. If this is what was happening, then what was I here for? I completely failed at my mission. So what was I clinging to?

I collapsed on the dorm bed, reaching a decision. 

I would not let them get hurt for my sake. No matter what.