On December 26th, the day after Christmas, I made my way through the doors of SM, planning to get some vocal practice in before my friends' final celebration of winter break on New Years, before they had to go back to the USA. I was slightly lost in thought, thinking about my plans to go Christmas shopping with Tiffany and Sunny later that day. 

I managed to take one step onto the beautiful tiled floors of the building before I was, quite literally, swept off of my feet. Before I knew it, my feet were in the air, and the world was suddenly below me.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!!!!!!!" I screeched, flailing in my captor's arms. I was not particularly fond of being picked up when I wasn't expecting it.

"Minsung, stop freaking out, you're going to punch Donghae in the face!"

I writhed so that I could see something but the ground, and found myself surrounded by Super Junior members. They were carrying me somewhere.

"You know, the United States embassy doesn't look fondly at kidnappings," I grumbled, when Siwon finally put me down. We were in one of the practice rooms, a practice room, I realized with a start, that must have belonged to Super Junior. I recognized Sungmin's favorite pink guitar, and a scattering of fanarts of the members, many of them good enough to put mine to shame. Shoved into one wall of the room were empty boxed lunches, some grains of rice still stuck to the side. Manager Kim waved at me from a corner.

I turned around to ask why I'd been brought there, just to hear around ten people yell.

"Merry Christmas!!!!!"

They were making dorky faces, and I couldn't help but laugh. 

"We wanted to wish you a merry Christmas yesterday, but we were so busy with schedules that we couldn't," Henry explained, stepping out from around Ryeowook. "So is today okay?"

I threw my arms around him. "Of course, it's okay. You guys just surprised me so much!"

"We wanted to give you your gift!" Wookie yelled.

"My gift?!" I squeaked. "You guys don't have to give me anything, I mean, I don't mean any disrespect, but i'm happy just that you're safe and that you're happy, not to mention that I-- well, I don't have anything for you! I'd feel so bad if--" Henry cut off my rambling but covering my mouth.

"Shhh, before we change our minds. Hyung, quick, give it to her before she runs away!"

Eunhyuk came out holding a wide, flat box. He laid it in my hands, grinning expectantly. 

My hands shaking, I opened it and gasped.

Inside the box was a signed copy of every single Super Junior album there had ever been, to include KRY, SJ-M, SJ-H, SJ-T, and even Eunhae-- I mean, Donghae and Eunhyuk's-- albums and Henry's solo album, Trap. I almost wanted to cry. Nope, I was crying. Less than half a year ago, I would have died to hold those things in my arms. 

I sat down on the bare floor, sifting through the different albums. Each one had been signed by a different member, so that each could write their own personal messages. I had to share this with the ELF as soon as possible!

My heart stopped when I opened the Super Girl album to find a signature I never thought I'd see. 

"I'm glad the ELF still have faith in me, even though sometimes I feel like a traitor. Keep working hard, Minsung. I'm happy for your support.  -Han Geng."

The tears fell. I clutched it to my chest, then put it back into the box and reached out to hug the nearest member, who just happened to be Donghae. I was saying something, but it was just hopeless blubbering, and I doubted if any of them were able to pull actual words from it. 

"Wow, you liked it so much more than we thought you would! We thought you might think that we're self-centered or something," I heard Eunhyuk remark.

I wiped my tears, laughing, even though I was still crying. "Oppa, of course you're self-centered. It's not something in question. Fortunately, it just happened to work for you this time." I felt a little bit bad, since it wasn't exactly true. Eunhyuk was one of the sweetest people in the world. 

The other members laughed and pushed him over. I really wanted to read every single album, to see what the different members had written, and if truly all of the fifteen total members had written something. 

"This would have cost me a fortune," I explained. "I mean, I've always tried to win a contest for a signed album, but this... I never imagined this." It was too good. I knew it was too good. I'd have to share this present with the other ELF, or I myself would feel selfish. 

"It was pretty easy for us, since these are our own albums. Seriously, it's okay, Minsung! Please stop crying!" Donghae begged, and I was trying to comply, really.

Suddenly the lights flicked off. I heard a crash, and something I now recognized as a Korean swearword. 

"Enough of that! It's time to party!" The lights came back on, and I saw Shindong grinning next to the lightswitch. It was the first time I'd met the roly-poly member of Super Junior, I realized. I stood up and bowed, slightly. While the members scattered, I carefully moved my present box over to the side of the room. Cups materialzed from nowhere, and food. I didn't know where they'd gotten it, but it was there now. 

I really hoped there weren't any alcoholic beverages, as unlikely as that hope was. But last time I had dealt with a drunk Super Junior member, I was stuck in bed with an obnoxious fever and had had to beg the EXO members for help, something I really did not feel like repeating.

Speaking of Kangin, he was there, giving Heechul a piggy-back ride around the room. I laughed, and next thing I knew, a plate of delicious-looking food was put into my hands. I recognized it as honey sweet-and sour chicken. I took a bite using my chopsticks and looked up. 

"Oh my gosh, Ryeowook-oppa, this is DELICIOUS! Did you make this?!" He nodded, blushing a little. 

"Do you like it?" 

I nodded so hard my head hurt. "It's like heaven in my mouth. Wookie is the best chef ever!"

A few more of the trainees came to join the party, usually via kidnapping, but only the ones that Kyuhyun, Siwon, and Sungmin had chosen as their partners for their performances. They were nice people, but I felt much more at home with the members themselves. Siwon's partner was very, very Catholic, something that did not surprise me in the least. 

"So are you having fun?" It was Sungmin, coming to join me in my spot on the floor against the wall. 

"You guys are so weird. I can't help but laugh. It just makes any dark thoughts melt away."

He laughed, leaning against the wall. "I'm happy. We wanted to make Christmas better for the trainees, who are working so hard but don't get any credit. So all of the artists took in some trainees to celebrate with. SHINee kidnapped your friend Min Hee before we could get the chance."

I was sure that would make her happy. It almost made me sad that my friends had decided to tour Seoul University that day. 

"Where did you get that?" Sungmin's voice broke me out of my thoughts, and I followed his gaze to the necklace at my neck, which I'd been absentmindedly fidgeting with.

"What, this? I made it." It wasn't one of my best pieces, but I liked it. It was a simple swirl of pink cat's-eye beads and tiny glass seed-beads. 

"Really? It's pretty good. You're an artist, Minsung. First your drawings, and then the jewelery..."

 I felt my cheeks flush red. "I'm not that good, but I'm glad you like it."

"I wish I had something like it. I really like pink."

And the sun rises in the east. EVERYONE knew that Sungmin liked pink. Well, anyone who even remotely knew Super Junior. 

Before I could reply, I was being yanked to my feet, and Eunhyuk was trying to make me dance. 

This party would turn out to be pretty embarassing for me.

The festivities ended when suddenly Heechul yelled at one of the other girls for stepping on his foot. Only a moment previous, he'd been laughing happily at Donghae's monkey dance, but now he was cold, accusing her of having elephant's feet, and not looking where she was going, and that she needed to just leave, get out of there; he didn't even want to look at her. 

I couldn't believe they extreme change. I mean, I'd heard that Heechul suffered from bipolar disorder, but I'd never really believed it, since I'd never seen much evidence of it. 

It's amazing what you don't see on variety shows.

It took only a few moments for the girl to be completely in tears, and for Ryeowook and Sungmin to be escorting her out of the room. Kangin, Shindong, and Manager Kim took care of Heechul, trying to calm him down. 

Nobody had officially said it, but I could tell that the party was over. Kyuhyun must've seen my expression, because he ganced down at me and asked, "does he scare you, Jageun? Heechul, I mean."

"He's always been intimidating. I'm more... surprised than anything. He just changed so fast."

Kyuhyun shrugged. "He didn't used to be this bad. It got a lot worse after Hankyung-hyung left." It took me a second to remember that Hankyung was, of course, Han Geng. That was what I had heard, but I'd never actually seen it for myself. I guess I knew now. 

"Hey, don't look so sad. Heechul-hyung will be okay. Even when he's in a bad mood, he's not bad. You get used to it." It felt weird to be comforted by Kyuhyun, but more than anything, I felt bad for Heechul. He'd always struck me as someone who needed a lot of love, and that's why he made so many friends, and became an idol at all. When he lost one of his closest friends, he lost a lot of himself, I thought. I just really wished I could help fill that hole that Han Geng had left. They must have talked to him in order to get his signature, but I knew it wasn't enough. 

I started to go forward, but Kyuhyun grabbed me by the collar, yanking me backwards. "Better not, Jageun. I don't want to put you in a bad mood after we went through all that work to make you happy. I don't want to waste all of that effort. Come on, grab your present, let's go outside and get some fresh air."

I was surprised at how friendly Kyuhyun was being. Did I miss something? Maybe there had been some alcohol going around at the party. But I grabbed my box, taking care to tie a ribbon around it, so that I wouldn't lose any of my precious treasures, and followed Kyuhyun outside. To my surprise, he didn't go out the main doors, but a set of doors on the west side of the building that I had never used before. 

The environtment inside the practice room had made it feel like late at night, but it was barely noon, I realized as I stepped outside. The sun was shining brightly, giving the illusion of warmth although the air was cold and brisk enough to turn my breath into steam. Seoul air wasn't perfect, but I had to admit, it was a lot more fresh than the air in SuJu's practice room, that had gone stale from being filled with so many people. 

They must have started the parties earlier in the morning because they had schedules later in the day, I thought to myelf as Kyuhyun walked forward and leaned over the railing that overlooked a small playground. But no one was there, and, despite being in the middle of the city, it felt oddly peaceful, and I felt a sudden ache for home. Dismissing it, I went next to kyuhyun and leaned on the railing. 

I stole a quick glance at his expression, then looked away. As usual, it was indecipherable, his face a calm, expressionless mask. It was always hard to tell what Kyuhyun was thinking until he decided to act on it. But by that time it was always obvious what he was feeling. 

I started to speak, but hesitated. His shoulders were tense, like a great weight was on his back. 

"Do you ever get sick of us?" He asked before I could say anything. The question caught me off-guard; I wasn't sure how to answer.

"W-What do you mean?"

"We've pulled you into our problems. The issue with Hankyung, Heechul's craziness, Kangin's adjustment issues, Henry and Zhou Mi's seclusion,  Donghae's father's death..." He stood up straight, facing me. His dark eyes looked down at me, making my heart beat in an odd rhythm. I was so enraptured by his gaze that I didn't even think about how he hadn't referred to any of them as his hyung. "I just wondered if sometimes you get sick of it."

I'd come to Korea with the express intention of getting pulled into those problems. If they were Super Junior's problems, they were mine. Because the ELF and SuJu were all one family. But when I said as much, Kyuhyun just laughed.

"We never really let the ELF see it, though. It amazes me, sometimes, just what they can find out. Still, here you are, saying that you're trying to help. Just what do you plan on doing, Melissa?"

My heart jumped up to my throat. It was the first time he had called me by my name. My real name. It clouded my thoughts, made me feel dizzy. I gripped the railing to steady myself, trying to put my thoughts into the proper order.

"I... I don't know. Not really." It was the first time I'd said the words out loud, maybe because I was afraid to admit them. "I wanted to make things easier for you somehow. But I guess that was a silly thought; I'm just a trainee-- I don't have any power. As it is, you've done so much more for me than I've done for you. It makes me feel useless."

I was surprised at how easily I was talking to Kyuhyun, like I could bare my heart to him and only recieve light teasing.

He reached over and ruffled my hair. "That's because you are useless, Jageun." I tried not to show my disappointment at not being called by my name once again. "But that doesn't mean we don't like you. And you're more help than you think."

I gaped at him, startled. But he wasn't looking at me.

"We always need someone to pick on once in a while. We still have Eunhyuk, but if you always make fun of the same person all the time, it's no fun at all."

I resisted the urge to punch him in the shoulder. Seeing my expression, he laughed. "Hey, calm down, Jageun. Don't look so angry all the time. You'll get wrinkles."

Did I look like I was angry all the time? Maybe I did. I would have to work on that.

"Kyuhyun-oppa... what do you want for Christmas?" I asked, surprised at the words coming out of my mouth. 

"Me? I don't know. Nothing you can give me, Jageun. No offense, but you're kind of poor." I knew he said "No offense" without meaning it, because if he hadn't meant any offense, he wouldn't have said it. I stuck my tongue out at him, remembering that his perspective of "poor" was a bit different from mine, since he'd grown up in a family that was pretty well-off. He laughed. "Don't worry about it. I didn't really expect anything from you. But thanks for the thought."

I wanted to pay my Oppas back for their kindness somehow, but no matter how hard I tried, I just could never seem to do anything.

As if reading my thoughts, he looked over and said, "You don't have to owe us anything. Just keep doing what you've always done. Follow us around like a llittle puppy, eat our food, do what we tell you, and tell us what the ELF think about what we do." 

I glared at him for a second, for making the things i did sound like I was some helpless child. 

"Oh, and you know what? Write us a song. If you helped us get into the western market, we'll call it even. Sound fair, Jageun?"

I made a face, then smiled and nodded. "Sure, Oppa. I'll do my best."

"Where were you going before we kidnapped you?"

"Huh? Oh, I was going to the vocal training room. I didn't want to get rusty over Christmas vacation. But I guess I kind of forgot about it after being carried into a party held by SuJu."

"Well, practice here."

"Here?"

"Nae."

"As in... right now?"

"Now."

"Right in front of you?" The thought made my cheeks flush. He'd been in my vocal lessons before, but Nakata-sensei had always been there as a buffer.

"Why not?"

Refusing to sing in front of him would make him think that I was nervous around him (which, I guess, I was),  but I didn't want him to feel like that, so I guessed I had no choice.

"Well... what should I sing?"

"Whatever you want," he answered, picking up a leaf from the ground and pulling it apart. A lump rose in my throat when I saw him doing this. It was a weird habit I'd always had. The similarities between the two of us sometimes scared me, although I was even more scared to point them out to him, lest he pretend it wasn't true.

I searched for my mind for what I should sing. I knew plenty of songs, but my mind kept coming back to the same one. Finally I gave up and looked out over the playground, breathing the first words through my mouth.

"Yeogikkajiin geot gatasseo naeui gieogi
 Dashin mot bol eolguldeulman seuchyeoga
Amugeotdo hal su eopseotdeon kkeute seoseo
Du son moa gidoman haesseo..."

I saw him turn towards me in surprise. I knew what he was thinking. It was his song. One of his solos, called "Love Again." I'd memorized the lyrics to it even before I'd come to Korea, because I found the song so beautiful and full of emotions. The lyrics had always had an incredible meaning to me. I thought my memories were up to here. The faces I would never see again passed me by. I stood at the edge where I couldn't do anything. With my two hands together, I just prayed. The words told a story of someone who found himself on the edge of death, desperately clinging to life, because he'll regret leaving all of the people who he left behind. Almost everyone agreed that it was Kyuhyun talking about the car accident that had almost claimed his life.

I continued to sing the song, fighting the urge to look at him while I sang, knowing that his dark eyes were on me, and I would falter if I met his gaze. So I stared fixedly a the playground, almost in a trance. 

To be able to convey the remaining pieces of my heart...

I want to stand up again
I want to see you who has waited waited for me.
I want to go back again and tell you...
"I love you."

 I felt as though the whole world stopped.
Only happy memories passed me by.
I couldn't believe this was happening as I stood at the edge.
So I just prayed.

To be able to see the love
That passed me by.

The original version of the song had beautiful guitar chords that were joined by a soft orchestra. But there was no orchestra there, and I had left my ukulele in the dorm. It sounded slightly strange, but it wasn't a song that was entirely dependent on instruments. 

I want to stand up again.
I want to see you who has waited for me.
I want to go back again and tell you
"I love you."

Suddenly I felt a painful ache in the bottom of my chest, craving for the family I would see very rarely from now on. It wasn't death, but it was separation. I was homesick, and yet I didn't know if I could ever go back. Or even if I really wanted to.

I've lived without knowing
how precious it is.

I want to stand up again.
I want to see you who has waited for me.
I want to go back again and tell you...
"I love you." 

The last "Saranghamnida"  faded into the sounds of the city, and I still focused forward, unable to meet his eyes. I had always loved Kyuhyun's voice, and hoped I hadn't ruined his song. Sungmin may have been my bias, but Kyuhyun had the most beautiful voice in the world. 

I heard clapping from more than one set of hands, and I whipped around, my trance shattered. 

Behind me were Henry, Zhou Mi, Eunhyuk and Donghae. But the loudest, most obnoxious clapping came from Tiffany and Sunny. I'd almost forgotten our plans to go shopping, and felt terrible. 

"Mel, that was beautiful! I didn't think you had such a pretty voice!" Sunny ran up to me and gave me a hug, pulling me away from Kyuhyun. Sunny was sweet, but I kept trying to look at the members. Henry was talking to Kyuhyun, but I couldn't seem to grab Zhou Mi's gaze. Every time I looked at him, he looked away. 

"It's not really that pretty. I just love to sing that song."

"Isn't that Kyuhyun's song?" Donghae asked when Sunny let me go.

I nodded. "Kyuhyun-oppa asked me to sing something, and it was the first song that came to mind."

Eunhyuk and Donghae looked at each other, then shrugged.

"What? What'd I do?" 

"Nothing, Minsung. You did a good job. But can you sing my song next time? It can't be good to up to Kyuhyun all the time," Donghae insisted.

"I am not  up to Kyuhyun! He just has the best solos!"

"What about me?!" I heard Henry yell, suddenly right there.

"Do you really want the answer to that?" I joked, smirking. 

Tiffany grabbed my arm. "Mel, come on, if we don't leave soon, we'll be spotted by people!" Sunny nodded agreement, and reluctantly, I let them guide me away, repeatedly looking behind me, trying to see Kyuhyun's expression. I'd have to ask him what he thought later. Not knowing his reaction would drive me crazy.

It was late when I returned home with my bags of the clothes that Tiffany and Sunny had refused to let me pay for, saying that it was their present to me. Tucked into one of the bags was my precious box, filled with little pieces of Super Junior.

Min Hee was sprawled out on top of her bed, soundly asleep. It looked like she'd gone unconscious on impact, not even bothering to cover herself with blankets. It got really cold in the dorm, so I knew she'd be freezing when she woke up. So I put my bags down and carefully pulled her blankets out from under her and laid them on top of her. 

I spent the next hour or so taking the tags off of my clothes, and then arranging them in the dresser, smiling with each article of clothing. The two Girls' Generation members had insisted on taking me shopping because they thought that my wardrobe was too plain, and since I was going to be famous someday, I needed to focus a bit on my fashion.

But they hadn't seemed to mind when I found special interest in a lovely sapphire blue tank top that fit me like a glove, following the curves of my chest and hips. 

If I got too many more presents, this dorm would be overflowing with them. I would have to think of ways to repay everyone. I had Super Junior covered, once I figured out what kind of song I wanted to write for them. But then there was my friends to consider. Not the Wisconsin Girls or Min Hee, but everyone else. John was gone for Christmas break to visit his family in Ireland, not to mention that we had a mutual agreement not to get each other gifts, since we were pretty sure it would be something that would get one or both of us injured.

But FASE? What should I get them? Something related to llamas for Amber, I thought, chuckling silently. I wondered if someday I could show her the llama farm close to my house back in Wisconsin. She'd probably love it. 

Then I opened my box, finally letting myself go through each individual album. Unsurprisingly, Henry had signed the Trap album, writing weird stuff all over the pages of the photo album. Donghae and Eunhyuk had signed the I Wanna Dance and Oppa Oppa albums, respectively. I sifted through the albums, setting aside the Cooking Cooking album by SJ-H, signed by Shindong; the Perfection album by SJ-M, signed by Zhou Mi--

I looked back at the Perfection album. Zhou Mi's message was careful, and I could see a part where he had started to write in Chinese characters, and had scribbled it out and replaced it with Hangeul. 

"I always look forward to running into you in the hallways, Niuwang. Is it alright if I call you that? It means 'Queen'. I'll teach you how to say it sometime. Anyway, I'm always happy when you smile every time you see me. It makes me smile, too. Although I hope that next time we run into each other, it won't be so literal." My lips twitched into a smile when I read this, remembering a time when I'd been late to my Korean class, and had turned a corner and smashed into him, sending us both sprawling. "Anyway, thank you for supporting Henry and I, even when a lot of people aren't. -Zhou Mi"

Niuwang. I said it to myself, letting it slide off my tongue. I remembered telling Zhou Mi that it was okay if he thought of his own nickname for me in Chinese, and he had thought of one. Chinese was never my favorite Asian language, being too full of harsh consonants, but I really liked that name. It had such a nice flow, like the name of a river. I liked it even more than my Korean name, Minsung. 

Gingerly I lifted out a copy of the Mr. Simple album, wondering who it had been signed by. 

"Minsung, you're a really big troublemaker. And sneaky. At least, that's all I've seen of you. Don't get into too much trouble, or I'll have to be mean. And I don't want to be mean. Okay? <3 -Kim Heechul"

I giggled a little bit at the girly heart at the end of the message, then thought of Heechul at the party. The Heechul that had written the message was the one I had always seen, a little eccentric, self-centered, feminine, slightly bossy, and rather bossy, but still fun and interesting. I made a silent vow to do my best to support him, and be his friend, even if it was hard. I hadn't done much for SuJu yet; I could do that for Heechul. 

One by one I identified the albums signed by the members I had already met: SJ-T's Rokukko signed by Kangin, Sorry Sorry signed by Kyuhyun, SJ-M's Break Down album, signed by Ryeowook, the U mini-album, signed by Siwon, and Hero, SuJu's only full-length Japanese album, signed by Sungmin,

That left four albums. My hands shaking apprehensively, I lifted the Don't Don album up and opened it... and it was empty of signatures, instead containing a saphhire blue armband that said "SuJu <3 ELF"

Trying not to feel disappointed, I slipped it on my wrist and set the album aside. I reached in for the next one, pulling out Super Junior's very, very first album, Super Junior 05. It was before Kyuhyun had joined the group, even, and their hair had looked TERRIBLE. But that wasn't important. 

I opened the case and looked inside.

And almost died.

Written in English, the letters on the inside read, "I'm glad there are ELF who haven't forgotten about me. -Kim Kibum"

That was all it said. But it was enough. Kibum had signed this. Kibum, who had disappeared off the face of the planet, and had departed from the group so early on that he wasn't a part of even one subgroup. I had no idea where he was, but somehow they had gotten in contact with him and gotten his signature. It made me feel bad, because I didn't know Kibum very well. He'd left the group too soon. That's why he was all the way in thirteenth place on my wall.

Now what mysteries lay in the "No Other" repackage of the Bonamana album? 

"Minsung! I've heard a lot about you! The members are taking care of their trainees without me. I'm proud. You must be really special if even Kyuhyun likes you. This was a really nice present idea, I give Eunhyuk credit. He's trying to steal my spot while I'm gone, I'm pretty sure. They told me I should pick the album that meant the most to me, and I was going to pick the Spy album, because it was the last album I made before joining the military, but Donghae said you already had that one. So I picked the No Other repackage instead. Please continue to support Super Junior along with the rest of the ELF. Saranghaeyo! -Leeteuk (Park Jungsoo)"

I was in danger of crying again. Somehow they'd managed to get everyone. That must mean...

I pulled out the Promise You album, the only album by KRY. It was a Japanese single, but I could care less. KRY did the best cover of "Hanamizuki" ever, and that was the album it was on. It was also the last recording Yesung had done before he left for the military. So that meant...

"I don't really know what to say, since I've never met you, but they told me that KRY was your favorite subgroup. So, um... thanks? I'm sorry, I probably sound ungrateful. I'm not. I just haven't done an album signing in a while, haha. Well, thank you for trying your best for the group. I'll hurry up and go meet you as soon as I get out of the military. Please wait for me~ -Yesung"

I smiled, reading it, then put all of the albums back in the box, deciding I would find some way to display them later, but for now it was time for bed. I had lots of projects to work on tomorrow.