There was a special place in Hell for the man who drove the red car. If there wasn't one already set aside, when I got there, I would make sure there was one for him.

Maybe I'd gotten cocky-- had nothing but success, even in romance, and was ready for a happy life. I was one of the world's top stars, and was getting anything every teenage girl had ever dreamed of, and I had done it while maintaining my values. I had won too much in life, and so life decided it needed to take some things away.

I don't know how long I cried. Time was distorted. I may have only cried for a few minutes, but to me, it felt like years, bleak and gray. The hospital room had turned into a black abyss, and I was falling into it, crumbling and dissolving, desperately clutching Zhou Mi's hand, because it was the only thing keeping me from disappearing completely into the abyss.

When I had lost my dog, I had thought, "If this is punishment for something I've done... why didn't you punish me? I could have taken it, I deserved it. Why did you have to punish him for something that I did? Why?"

When I had thought I had lost my sister, I had felt like this. I had been desolate and empty, so deep in despair that the person people looked at with pity was only an empty shell, incapable of really seeing any of them. I was a doll, with dull, lifeless eyes, the real me lost and shrunk so deeply that there was no way they could possibly see it.

 It was a long time before I was able to really see with my own eyes. When the tears had dried up, and I could finally stop screaming, exhausting my mental voice, while my own throat ached like it had screamed for hours, though it had never made a sound.

When I escaped the abyss and went back into the real world, I was exhausted. And because I was exhausted, I fell asleep, my cheeks salt-stained. And when I slept, I had nightmares.

In my dreams I watched the accident over and over again, time and time again, only this time I was watching Jung Ah as the accident happened. Watched the way she saw the red car and turned just a bit to the right, so it was hit only on her side. Watched it over and over again, each time a different scenario. I tried to reverse it, tried to tell her no-- just hit the car in front of us, it'll be okay. I screamed at her desperately, but my voice wouldn't work. I tried grabbing the wheel, opening the door, everything. But it always ended the same way-- me, fighting my way out of a burning van, leaving the crumpled and bloody shape of my manager behind.

I woke up in a feverish sweat, shaking with fear, my mouth filled with bitter bile that burned my throat when I swallowed it back down.

"It's okay, Niuwang. It's okay, I'm right here," Zhou Mi was saying, trying as hard as he could to hide the desperation in his voice.

I shook my head. No, it's not okay. It will never be okay, I wanted to say.

He brushed my sticky bangs out of my face, then dabbed at my forehead with a cool cloth. "You're worrying yourself sick."

I made a face at him, at the blanket he'd laid out on the floor, at the injustice of the world, and patted the bed. Come here, I mouthed, still shaking.

When finally he accepted, crawling next to me on the small hospital bed, it wasn't difficult for us both to fit. I curled myself next to him, feeling smaller than I'd ever been.

We were able to convince the doctors to let me out of the hospital early, so I could go to the funeral. I went with Min Hee, but couldn't let her drive. Nor could I let myself drive. We took a taxi, and I watched Seoul go by, wondering why it looked so different.

I was surprised, when I arrived, that Jung Ah's family held out an arm band of two white stripes. I tried to refuse, shaking my head, but they insisted.

"You were her family when we weren't there," he mother said, tears in her eyes. I swallowed hard, doing my best not to cry before I got to the altar.

Jung Ah had been cremated, as her mother had said, "because we wanted to think of our daughter as beautiful when she died."

Min Hee and I bowed, but when I went down the second time, I didn't get up. The tears had blocked out my vision, filling my head with that picture of her smiling. My chest hurt so much, thinking about how much she'd taken care of me.

I handed Min Hee a piece of paper, and she nodded.

She faced the crowd of people around Jung Ah's flower-decorated altar, standing up straight. Suddenly everyone was listening, watching her speak.

"Minsung still cannot speak right now, so this is what she wanted to say to you," she began, then looked at me. I stood up, still clutching my stomach.

"I met Jung Ah when I was seventeen years old and hopeless. I knew her when we both struggled towards our dreams, and when I was able to hold on just a bit tighter than she did. Somehow I became this thing that people worship like a goddess. But I'm not. I am mortal, like everyone else. I'm not special. I couldn't even save a young woman from dying."

Min Hee's voice cracked, and she looked at me. I nodded, pleading her to go on.

"Jung Ah was more beautiful and more kind than I ever can or will be. And when she couldn't achieve her dreams, she helped me with mine. And not once did she complain. Not once did she say that she wished she had been the one on stage. She was a force to be reckoned with, just as strong as I ever was, but maybe in a different way. She spent every waking hour thinking about what she could do for me, what would be best for me. Even in those last few moments, she had my safety in mind, no matter what the cost would be for her. And yet, the world will go on, never knowing her name. But she never minded it that way. And nothing I have ever done would repay her for the care she put in for me, and I will always regret that I was never more grateful. I will always regret that I never encouraged her to pursue her future. There is no amount of justice that would repay the debt I have to her.

"Jung Ah was the force that pushed me to where I am. When I felt like giving up, she was there to propel me forward. When all I wanted was to go home, she was the first to remind me how selfish I was being. There was not a more beautiful, wonderful girl in this world, and I don't know how I will live, knowing that she isn't there. It isn't fair. It will never be fair. She was young, and beautiful, and worth everything this world had to offer, and she spent it all on me. Yet she would say it wasn't my fault."

Min Hee looked up again, and when she did, she saw everyone in that room crying. Her mother was collapsed on the ground, sobbing wildly. Her father was turned quietly away, pretending he wasn't crying. 

"Jung Ah would never have wanted me to feel guilty, never wanted me to worry about her the way she worried about me. That was just the way she was. She took her job very seriously, and nothing, no one, will ever replace her. She wasn't just my manager-- she was my friend, she had a place at my wedding! Jung Ah was the ever-present force that kept me in check, the water to my fire. I know she wouldn't want her death to be in vain. I know she would tell me to move on with my life, that she wasn't important. And I will."

I looked up, gazing at every visitor in turn. Family, friends, even the other trainee girls, listening to me speak through Min Hee's voice.

"I will move on, somehow, and put on a brave face for all those who look up to me. But I won't forget about her. She is not and never was unimportant. And I want everyone to know it. Rest in peace, Jung Ah-eonni. Don't worry about me. I'll move on, and I'll always keep your memory as close to me as I can. Thank you. For everything."

Min Hee folded the paper up, handing it back to me. She swallowed a lump in , then bowed again before Jung Ah's grave. She reached into her pocket, and pulled out a single piece of blue raspberry candy, and turned around and walked out.

I watched her go, feeling my stomach lurch, more tears making their way to the surface. No, Melissa. No more crying. Be strong. 

I fought down the tears and tried to force a smile, but when my stomach lurched again, it was with much more force, almost sickening. I gasped for breath, stale air sliding down my throat and igniting the burns in my lungs.

Jung Ah's mother caught my arm as I doubled over, coughing, though coughing only made it hurt more. She pulled me away, demanding she take me to the hospital. I simultaneously thought I was going to cough up my insides and throw them up. What was wrong with me?

 I forced myself not to pass out, breathing carefully all the way to the hospital, keeping my eyes open, fighting back the nausea. When finally we got there, the hospital staff were quick to assure Jung Ah's mother that everything would be fine.

The woman's eyes were steady, looking at me before I was carted away into the hospital. "If you didn't make it, my daughter would have died for nothing."

I was under mild anesthesia again, dulling the pain while they went through the tests. The doctors had hypothesized that it was all because I had left the hospital too early, and hadn't fully recovered, so there had been scans of my lungs, cameras shoved into my throat, and tests done... everything. But I really just wanted to go home. I'd been through enough. I'd had enough of hospitals. I hadn't been given the chance to really come to terms with what had happened.

"We've called your husband, Agasshi," the nurse told me, in my haze of drugs, "He says he's busy, but he'll come as soon as he can."

I nodded, and watched her walk out before I laid back into my pillow, trying to force air through my lungs.

When the clock strikes twelve,
I will say farewell.
I will remember everything I left behind.
I will no longer let myself be so blind.
I will be selfless for the first and last time...
knowing that this is what I have lived for
and I need nothing more.

But the words didn't come out, nothing but a loose hissing escaping my throat. I let my head fall back into the pillow, letting the drugs take over while tears again escaped my eyes.

When I was conscious again, I could hear my husband's voice like a low hum, trying to be quiet so he wouldn't wake me. Such a lovely voice.

"No, Manager Kim. I will return to work as soon as I can. But I can't make any more of today's schedule."

I peeled my eyes open, fixing my gaze on him. He was faced away from me, holding his phone to his ear.

"Yes, sir. Tomorrow, hopefully. Don't pretend you're not worried. I know you are. She collapsed during her manager's funeral. They think it was the stress..."

He turned to look at me, and, seeing that I was awake, seemed to lose a lot of the tension in his shoulders. "I'll call you back, Manager Kim. Tell the guys that she's awake, please."

He hung up the phone and grabbed my hand. "You're going to be alright now, right?"

I smiled at him, just happy to see his face.

"Mimi..."

There. There it was. My voice. The words barely came out, more of a hissed whisper than an actual word, but something had come out. It hurt, still, but it had done something.

Zhou Mi looked startled. "You..."

"Wo de Mimi," I whispered out, feeling how warm his hands were.

"I'm here, Niuwang. I came as soon as I could..."

"My singing career is over. My manager died for me. I can't even hold myself together outside the hospital, and the whole world is pitying me."

"Niuwang, you can't think like that..."

"But there is at least some good news..."

"What? What is it?"

"The doctors said... the baby's fine."

"Oh, that's good, at least the--" He froze, completely still, for what seemed like minutes. I had to try not to laugh. "Th-the baby?!"

I nodded, smiling and wanting to laugh, but still too tired to do so. "They did an ultrasound on my lungs and accidentally dropped it a bit lower, and found a little surprise in there."

"B-b-b-but how?!"

"I was a bit curious about it myself... as far as I knew, I was on birth control."

"You're kidding."

"Don't look so scared, Mimi," I whispered around my exhaustion, my eyes still half-lidded, "there's nothing wrong. The doctors say it's perfectly healthy. There's nothing sinful, there's nothing bad about it..."

He crushed me in his arms, kissing my cheek, my nose, my tired lips. "I can't believe-- you really-- what should I do?!"

I smiled, letting myself fold into him. "What you always do, Mimi."

He pulled away, looking down at me quizzically. "What's that?"

I kissed him lightly, letting my fingers trace over the curve of his cheek. 

"Smile."

The tiny little thing was only a few weeks old, small enough that I hadn't noticed it at all. The nausea I had felt at my wedding was only nerves, and the developing embryo had been entirely recent. Probably after we'd finished the movie.

Still, it was that which had caused my collapse at the funeral. I had been stressed, and the baby felt the pain. 

Now that it was known, the doctors removed some of my medication, congratulated me for the return of my voice, and let me go. Their only warning was to avoid caffeine, alcohol, and cigarette smoke.

We stopped at a grocery store with a pharmacy to pick up some of my perscription drugs, and Zhou Mi went to the counter, worried that they might ask me to use my voice more than necessary.

When he found me again, I was standing in the alcohol section, looking up at bottles of wine.

He put a hand on my shoulder. "Niuwang..."

"Don't worry," I whispered. "I wouldn't do it. It would disappoint her, for one thing. It would harm more than just me, for another. I never liked alcohol, and never relished the idea of being drunk. But this... this is the first time I've ever seriously considered it."

"Niuwang."

"For the first time, I thought... maybe there is a God. And maybe He looked down at the accident and saw this little life inside of me and thought, 'she's pregnant. I can't let her die'. So of all the people He could have saved, God saved me."

"Of course he did."

I shook my head, still staring fixedly at the bottles of alcohol. "But I know better than that. I know that pregnant women die all of the time, and there's no justification. But it was nice to imagine, if only for a little while. Some fair reason for why I lived, and she had to die. It was nice to imagine that it was some sick joke made up by God. But that would be a selfish thought."

"I think Siwon would be interested to hear that."

I turned to smile at him. "Come on, let's just go home."

I had disappeared from the world for about two weeks. The accident was all over the news, haunting me at every step. I would watch the news for a few minutes and then suddenly be barraged by it again. It made me want to throw up. I would turn the television off and stare at the blank screen, trying to figure out what I was supposed to do next.

SM had canceled all of the promotions for my album. Suddenly, I was appearing in no music shows, no dramas, no promotions for the Marvel movie. Everything "Queen Be" had ground to a sudden, complete halt. Everyone was repeatedly asking SM where I was, what had happened, if I had sustained serious injuries. There was a huge question mark plastered over every picture of me. All that the company would say was that I had been injured in the accident and they would not comment any further until I had recovered. Every last thing had been canceled or put on hold. Except one.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Snow Leopard Lady asked me. Without a manager, my schedule had been put in her hands.

I nodded.

"Not canceling the fanmeeting, after all that's happened..."

I nodded again. "I need to tell them myself. With my own voice. If It goes through the company... it feels like it's a lie, some excuse I made up. I can't run away from it."

She sighed, and for the first time I saw just how tired she was. How exhausted. She was really just a human being. Not a snow leopard. Throughout all of the time that I'd been in SM, and she'd done her best to make my life as a superstar living hell, she was never some demonic creature without her own problems. Just a human being. It didn't mean I forgave her. It didn't mean I pitied her. It did, however, at least remind me that she had a life outside of the company. Maybe she was a wife, a mother. Maybe not. I'd never bothered to ask.

I wondered, briefly, what people would say about her if she were to die. That day. The same things they said about Jung Ah? No, of course not. Snow Leopard Lady wasn't young enough for them to say that "she had her whole life ahead of her".

"If you insist, Queen Be. But what will you do, now that you can't sing?" she asked me, and she seemed honestly sincere.

What would I do? For the past few years, the life of concerts and crazy fans and music shows and preparing for albums had been the only life I had known. 

"I'll find a way. My contract hasn't expired yet."

She was thin-lipped, frowning. But then she nodded. "Yes. Yes, you always do, don't you?"

"I always do."

Lela could barely keep her hands steady while she got me ready for the fanmeeting. I knew she was uneasy, the lack of Jung Ah's presence only reminding her of her grief. Still, Lela was a professional, and suddenly her face had turned to stone, her hands steadier than the beat of my heart. Throughout my entire team, from choreographer Steve to coordinator Lela to the shy stage assistant that made my tea for me, a dark silence had lain over the group. No more words were said than were absolutely necessary. The group wasn't complete, and everyone knew it, but no one would say it. Everyone knew that this would be the last time they were all together like that. They all knew what I was going to say when I went onto that stage. It had never been said outright, but it was a fact that simply floated through the air and sank into their skin, and suddenly they knew.

Queen Be. Even through several walls, I could hear it called from the audience, all gathered to listen. Even now, I could see the shining ocean of honey gold lightsticks waiting for me out there. Faithful, like they always had been.

For them, I would put on my best face, and say goodbye with dignity. They deserved that much.

Lela was a true master. My hair pulled away from my face by a small flower, my lips painted red, my eyes ringed with black so that the gray-green glimmered. She made me beautiful, even though we were both broken.

I nodded, and we all stood up, ready for the show to begin. The last show.

The screaming intensified as soon as the lights went down, with a few thousand Honey Be's chanting in unison. "It's alright, Queen Be. We love you, Queen Be. It's alright, Queen Be. We love you, Queen Be..."

I walked to a stool on the center of the stage, facing the sea of gold. I knew my face was on camera, projected onto the huge screen behind me. The screams quickly died, and in the silence, I struggled to think of what I was going to say.

My voice had steadily recovered since the accident, and I could now speak at a volume that most people would be able to hear me. But it wasn't quite better yet. When I finally spoke, the words came out scratchy and weak, but it was all I could do.

"Hello, everyone."

Silence.

"I know... these things usually start out with a song or two, but... we're going to do things a bit differently this time."

I looked out at the faces closest to me, watched their expressions, the expectation on their faces. They didn't know.

"You all know about the accident a few weeks ago. You know that I suddenly dropped off the earth, and I know you were all probably worried... that I was seriously injured. And then here I am, right in front of you, looking perfectly fine. Even most of the cuts and bruises are healed."

My throat felt scratchy, and I knew I was going to cough again. 

"The truth is, I didn't sing for you today... because I can't. I never will again. Or so they tell me."

I saw the reaction move like a ripple through the crowd. It started small, one person turning to the other, whispering, and then looking back at me, shocked, wondering how, wondering why. And then it spread, getting bigger and bigger, their murmurs turning into a low hum of curiousity and pain.

"You see... when there's a fire... did you know that you're more likely to die from the smoke than from the actual flames? It roasts you from the inside out. I was lucky enough to be able to claw my way out before it killed me. But the damage was already done."

Still silent, expecting, waiting.

"That night, two people died, and I lived. I know the media will make a big deal about how my life was ruined, never again being able to be a singer, and not a one will mention the girl that actually died. It had been a normal night, and the other driver had decided it would be a good idea to drive home after a night at the bar."

I waited for a moment to collect myself, to cough.

"I will never, ever, ever forgive him. My voice is nothing compared to the life he took. I am not a good person. I don't see around the things that happen; I don't see bygones as bygones. He took away a young girl's life because he made a stupid mistake, and I would wish every ounce of justice that the South Korean government can put upon him. But he died, and took the easy way out. I wish every bit of pain in Hell upon him, for what he did. No, I am not a good person. I do not forgive, and I never forget."

I could see tears on the faces of the fans closest to the front, glistening in the light of their long-forgotten lightsticks.

"Through all of these years, you have been by my side, every step of the way. Sometimes I would get lost, and you would always remind me that when there wasn't a path already laid out, I would have to make one of my own. All of you, my Honey Be's."

I smiled, swallowing the tears down again.

"Thank you. No matter how far I go, or what I do from now on, there will never be anything like the golden ocean, and the voices that sing along to my songs. I know, when I move on, I will miss this. All of this. I love you all, more than anything, more than words, could possibly describe. It is not something I can say, but I hope you all can feel. It was more than infatuation. I loved you all. I still do."

I swallowed again, fighting the tears that I knew would win, soon enough.

"But my life is not over. I want you all to know that, even though I can't sing, I will fight to always be the best. I can't sing, but I can still act. I can still write songs, and I can still speak to you. I will be here to support my friends, my brothers and sisters at SM. Always. I may never be able to sing again, but that won't stop me from doing everything else that I have always done."

They cheered, a bit, and I felt the tears leak out.

"This may be my last show, but I will still fight. I am, and will always be, Queen Be. I can't sing for you today, but I will never stop trying. Maybe someday, if you wait for me, we can meet again, on this stage, just like this. It won't be the same voice, but at least it's hope. I hope that I was able to guide you like my Oppas guided me. I hope that, in the time that I had, I was worth something as a singer. And now I will show the world how good I am at everything else. I'm not gone. I'm just taking a very, very long break."

They cheered again, and I stood up from the stool. "I can't get back what was lost. The voice I had and the friend I lost will never come back to me. I know that. But I will love you with all that I have left. Which is still very, very much. Thank you, for everything. Goodbye, Honey Be's. For now."