Day two, round two. 

That day was even more chaos than the previous one. EVERY one of the the trainees was performing at least once, and these were the performances that everyone wanted to see. The seats filled up before we even began to get ready for performances. There were reporters, photographers, people from companies I didn't recognize. As I headed to the dressing rooms, I heard one of the new people introduce himself as a representative for JYP. Seriously, other entertainment companies were here, too?!

Serious deal. 

Backstage, everyone was running around like a chicken with her head cut off. Big fluffy dresses, elegant tuxedos, fashionable jackets, and plenty of high heels. Makeup, accessories, everything had to be done and checked. Voices rang through the air, getting one last practice in before the performance was upon them. 

I set my bag in my spot, checking myself in the mirror. I'd decided to go simple for my costume that day. It was an outfit that Tiffany and Krystal had helped me pick out, a blue dress with a white belt that flattered both my figure and my fandom. Min Hee had done my hair that morning, curling it around my head so that it looked like I had a crown over the curls that spilled down my back. Simple, but it fit my concept nicely.

Concept. I really was an idol, at least in my head. Even if it was only for that one day, and never again.

I was oddly calm, I realized. Everything seemed to move around me, while I myself sat still, looking at myself in the mirror. Gray eyes not hidden behind glasses lenses. Long, honey-blonde hair. Pale, yellow-tinted skin from old Chinese ancestry. Long fingernails painted in blue and silver with floral designs. This was me. 

Once, my Creative Writing teacher asked me to write a poem about myself using only metaphors. Oddly enough, the best metaphor I'd thought of was that I was a grapefruit. The harder, outermost peel is bitter and distasteful. But if you peel it off, or cut it open, the inside can be both sweet and sour. Some people like it, some don't. But no matter what, it is always best if you add a little sugar.

This was me.

Min Hee came to stand at the counter spot next to me, beautiful as usual, her long black hair up in a high ponytail that swung behind her head. She was dressed less simply than me, in a sheer black fabric over a thighter black anf white pantsuit., and a pair of dark green pants. 

"When's your turn?" she asked, leaning against the edge of the maekup counter.

"Twenty-three. I don't like that number. Prime number. I hate prime numbers."

She laughed. "That's a really weird reason, but okay."

"Twenty-four would be better. Easily divisible, and easy on the tongue. One of my lucky numbers. I was so incredibly close."

Min Hee laughed again. "Such a nerd. I'm going eighth and thirty-sixth, by the way."

"Eight's not a bad number. Twenty-four is better, but it's better than twenty-three. Meanwhile, thirty-six is fantastic. Well, break a leg, Min Hee. I'm rooting for you."

"You always are," she grinned, then let her expression smooth out. "About yesterday's performance..."

"Don't worry about it," I interrupted, "it doesn't matter. I have to focus on today. You should, too. Now come on, Min Hee. They're starting."

I looked up at the screen, then away. Despite the strange looks I was getting from the other girls, I turned my mp3 player on and stuck the earbuds in my ears. I saw Min Hee raise her eyebrow, and explained, although I couldn't hear her very well. 

"It's to keep myself calm. If I watch everyone else's performances, I'll just make myself nervous. So I'm not going to listen. I asked some of the cameramen to let me have the editing discs, so I can watch them afterward. But I'll watch yours, don't worry."

She nodded, looking up at the screen. 

I closed my eyes and let the words in my ears wash over me. 

When the seventh performance was beginning, Min Hee tapped me on the shoulder and waved when I opened my eyes. "Break a leg," I called after her as she headed towards the stage.

I'd watched her practice it a zillion times. I'd helped her practice it a million of those zillion. For her dance, she'd chosen "The Shadow" by BoA-sunbae. Difficult, nothing I would try myself.

Min Hee, on the other hand, was an absolute goddess. Every step correct, every movement, every spin. She worked with the backup dancers perfectly (Yes, since this was a very important exhibition, we got to work with backup dancers, instead of being the backup dancers). Her expression was better than I had ever seen it. When she finished, the audience applauded for her like mad. I was proud. 

We applauded for her, too, when she came back into the waiting room, red-faced and breathing hard. I held a water bottle out for her. 

"Thanks," she stated, taking it from me and chugging it down. Looking at me, she shrugged and pulled her own mp3 player out, focusing on it. 

Performance ten. Performance fifteen. Performance twenty. Performance twenty-one.

I took my earbuds out and turned my mp3 player off. Time to go.

I passed Lily on my way out, meeting her eyes for a split second. I couldn't help but smile as I walked by. Thank you, Lily,"  I thought, thank you for reminding me that I am not the center of the universe and that everything doesn't go my way. Thank you for reminding me what it means to truly be a good person. I don't think it's what you intended, but thank you."

The stage was black when I made my way to the center. the only lights came from the audience. From them, I could just vaguely see the shapes of heads and shoulders, eyes towards the stage. I began to fold into myself, closing my eyes. Distantly, I heard myself announced.

"Queen Be, with a vocal performance of 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift."

Deep breaths. Let the world fade away. Don't think of it as a performance. Don't think of it as a competition. It's a message. Maybe it's your last one. But it doesn't have to be.

The music began to play. Still I kept my eyes closed. I felt the warmth on my face as the stage lights came on, still not opening my eyes until I sang.

"There I was again tonight,
forcing laughter, faking smiles--
same old tired, lonely place...

Walls of insincerity,
shifting eyes and vacancy,
vanished when I saw your face,

All I can say is it was
enchanting to meet you..."

I saw the audience with my eyes, but with my mind I saw the hard life at SM, my abuse by Jessica, my abuse by Lily. And yet that entire time, There were always certain people I could depend on.

"Your eyes whispered 'have we met?'
'Cross the room your sillhouette
starts to make its way to me...

The playful conversation starts,
counter all your quick remarks,
like passing notes in secrecy..."

"And it was
enchanting to meet you...
all I can say is I was
enchanted to meet you..."

Meeting Mimi for the first time, not knowing it was him who I'd be songwriting with. Encountering Kyuhyun at the audition center in Las Angeles, never quite smart enough to keep up with him, but not truly bothered, because I was too happy just to be speaking to him.

I moved across the stage, singing to the audience, wondering if they could even understand what I was saying. It didn't matter. If I couldn't tell them with words, I would tell them with my heart. My Oppas were out there somewhere, I knew they were. They'd promised.

"This night is sparkling,
don't you let it go!
I'm wonderstruck,
blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever
wondering if you knew,
I was enchanted to meet you..."

The night I had practically carried Kangin to my dorm, not regretting it. My first meeting with Sungmin, where I had walked home in a daze, the heat in my cheeks taking the entire night to subside.

"The lingering question kept me up
Two A.M.- 'Who do you love?'
I wonder 'til I'm wide awake...

And now I'm pacing back and forth
wishing you were at my door--
I'd open up and you would say..
'Hey..
It was enchanting to meet you...
All I know is I was
enchanted to meet you..."

A duet with Ryeowook, then finding that he had a girlfriend. My surprise meeting with Donghae in Mokpo, sitting with him next to the ocean. The first day in Korea, opening my door to find Henry as my guide. Finding Sungmin at my door as well, then wishing I could make him love me. I may not have loved him, but I would never regret those meetings.

"This night is sparkling,
don't you let it go!
I'm wonderstruck,
blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever
wondering if you knew,

That this night is flawless
don't you let it go,
I'm wonderstruck,
dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever
wondering if you knew,
I was enchanted to meet you!"

I sang as loudly and as powerfully as I could, my voice rising and rising in intensity as I traveled all around the stage, images flying through my mind faster than I could control them. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, the faces I was seeing in my eyes seemed to be saying. Remember, remember, remember, the memories flying through my heart seemed to be calling. Dancing with Eunhyuk, impressing him because I actually knew the cha-cha, then dancing by myself, too happy to keep it all inside. Eating popsicles with Heechul, sitting next to him on the swings and begging him to let me be his friend.

I will NOT say goodbye.

"And this is me crying that--

This was the very first page,
not where the storyline ends.
My thoughts will echo your name
until I see you again

These are the words I held back
as I was leaving too soon...
I was enchanted to meet you..."

The faces I thought of as I headed for the airport that day, thinking I would never see them again. Kyuhyun, Sungmin, Ryeowook, Heechul, Yesung, Leeteuk, Donghae, Eunhyuk, Siwon, Shindong, Henry, Zhou Mi. I would never forget them.

I dropped the height of my voice, back into the deeper notes I had learned from Kyuhyun. I closed my eyes again, hating the way things had turned out. I didn't want to let it go. I didn't want to let it all fade into memory. Nehind my eyelids, I felt the tears well up.

"Ah...ah...
Oh.. oh-WOAH!

This night is sparkling,
don't you let it go!
I'm wonderstruck,
blushing all the way home.
I'll spend forever
wondering if you knew,

That this night is flawless
don't you let it go,
I'm wonderstruck,
dancing around all alone
I'll spend forever
wondering if you knew,
I was enchanted to meet you!

If I must say goodbye, let it be like this.

"Please don't be in love with someone else...
please don't have somebody waiting on you..."

The images snapped off, and I fell to my knees, the tears escaping from their gray enclosure. I gasped, trying to choke them back down. I loved them all, I knew. If this was all the time I had with them, I would ache for it the rest of my life.

I looked up, realizing that the audience was dead silent, looking at me. I got to my feet, bowed, then hurried offtstage. Perhaps I should have been more careful as to what I was doing while I sang. 

When I was in the safety of the backstage area, I heard a distant sound, like thunder. Vaguely, I wondered what it was. But it wasn't important. 

The tears wouldn't stop coming, as much as I forced them back, trying to convince myself that no matter what, it was for the best. If I stayed or if I went home, at least I would have said what I'd been meaning to say all along. 

I looked up, to find Kyuhyun glaring down at me. "Stop crying, stupid. You look ridiculous."

I tried even harder to force the tears back. "I-I'm sorry, Oppa, I'll do my best..."

You woldn't believe my surprise when he grabbed my hand and wrapped his arms around my shoulders. "Stupid. you weren't thinking of leaving again, were you? Were you planning on singing a song about how much you had fun here, then leaving us with nothing? Typical Minsung, always thinking about herself."

I cried harder, and, too ashamed of my tears to let him see them, buried my face in his shoulder. "I thought you wouldn't even understand what I was saying," I muttered, half-aloud.

"What was the point of those English lessons, if not to learn English? Stupid."

I choked a laugh through my tears. That was Kyuhyun, always full of surprises. Nothing like being called an idiot to make a girl feel better.

"Now stop crying. I'm not letting you go until you stop crying."

The tears continued to flow, seeping into the fabric of his shirt. I confess, I didn't try to stop them. I'm selfish that way.

Although I wanted to stay there as long as possible, eventually the tears dried up, and Kyuhyun let me go. SUCH a pity. He messed up my hair, absolutely knowing it was annoying to me, but for once, I absolutely didn't care. I hadn't noticed that Kyuhyun even cared about me that much, yet he was the first one to come and scold me. I would have let him get away with murder.

"Do you like grapefruit, Oppa?" I asked, out of the blue, wiping the mascara lines on my face away.

"Grapefruit?" he repeated, obviously wondering what the heck I was talking about, "I like it, I guess. Sour, most of the time, but it can be really refreshing if you add sugar. Why?"

I smiled, then patted him on the cheek. "Nothing. Thank you, Oppa. And don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

I went back into the waiting room to fix my makeup and hair. Entering, I looked around at the multitude of faces. "Where's Lily?" I asked Kwon Mei.

She shrugged. "She started to look kind of green while she was watching your performance. Then, when you fell to your knees and started crying at the end, there, she just kind of ran out of the room. I don't know where she went after that."

I wanted to laugh. Of course, success wasn't guaranteed yet, but knowing that Lily had gotten sick after seeing my performance made me feel at least a little bit like I'd won.

Now, I'm not the greatest singer. Not even close. But occassionally, when I really get into the heart of it, I can sing pretty well. If that makes me vain, then so be it. I'm vain.

"We found out something while you were gone, actually..." SoHee began, sitting against the edge of the counter, "apparently, Lily was using her family's company's money to bribe the group audition judges. You and Min Hee really did deserve to perform yesterday. And she and a few of her friends deliberately wrecked the show yesterday, in such a way that it would make the rest of us look bad instead." She stopped, looking ready to cry, herself. 

"You really never lied to us, did you?" One of the other girls questioned. "We just didn't want to believe you, because you were always the one with the firey temper, and all we'd ever seen from Lily was how sweet she was. She wasn't showing us what she was really like. We should have appreciated that fact. Minsung may not be the greatest person, but she never lied to us to try to make us like her."

"We're sorry, Minsung. You must've felt horrible..."

"Just one question, though..." Kwon Mei started, "If Lily sabotaged just about all of the rest of Minsung's performances, why didn't she try that with the song?"

Min Hee stepped down from her perch on the edge of the counter, elegant as usual. "Obviously, she hadn't expected much of this performance. She hadn't even thought of Mel as a threat when it came to this, so she didn't bother."

The other girls nodded, obviously in accordance with Min Hee's proposition. "We were told all of this just before your performance. Then she ran out," one of them explained.

"But... how did we find all of this out?" I asked.

"You don't know?" Kwon Mei asked, quizzically, "Heechul-sunbae said he didn't trust her, saying she was like a baby cuckoo, placed in the nest of another bird, then pushing out the eggs that  actually belong there, so the mother bird is forced to feed it, a big ugly fake. We thought he was just being cruel. But then he overheard her telling her friends just how much of a success her plan had been. That's when it all was uncovered."

I exhaled a slight laugh. If either he or I actually believed in God, I would say "thank God for Kim Heechul." But since neither of us did, I would just have to thank Heechul. The mother bird who would push the cuckoo out of the nest and save the eggs that were supposed to be there. If that doesn't sound like a weird analogy.

"She comes in because of a lie, and she'll leave because of a lie."

I stepped out of the auditorium, digging through my purse to find my bus card. I had to get back to the dorm before the other girls, because we were going to have an end-of-exhibition-party, and I had to cook something. 

My heels clicked on the floor as I walked, comforting as usual. I saw a face try to sneak past me, still slightly tinged green. 

"Why do you hate me so much?" I asked Lily, before she could escape. 

"Hate you? Now why would you say that?"

"You'd have to hate me, to do all of those things to me, to do everything you possibly can to destroy me. Sure, you had to protect your place in the company, but there has to be a reason why you chose to destroy me, in particular. I had never done anything to you before you got here, yet you hated me right away. I just want to know why."

She turned, her face turning more red than green now. "You want to know why? Why, out of all of the people in this company, why I hated you? Because you were American. When my family moved to the United States, they promised I'd have a better life, that it was a fresh new start. Yet every day I was treated like an outsider. Even in Koreatown, there was no avoiding going to school and seeing them. All the white people, either harassing me for being Asian, or pretending I didn't exist. I grew up knowing I had to come back to Korea, because there, I could use my talents and be loved for it. Not shot down, like I was in America. Soyu was casted at the company. I hated her. But not as much as I hated you when she showed me your videos. I wanted so badly to go back to Korea where I belonged, only to find out that you, an American, was at SM. You represented everything that had destroyed my life in the United States. I wanted to destroy you, the way they had destroyed me. Because you were undeniably American."

She hissed the last word, cursing it. I finally understood the depths of her hate. It made sense to me now. But that didn't make it right.

"You're right. I am American. I've never tried to hide it. I was born in Wisconsin, U.S.A. I am blonde, gray-eyed, and curvy. It's true. But I did everything I could to treat everyone as equals, even if I didn't like them. I respected my elders, followed the rules, and people like me because of who I am, not what I could give them. You may have a Korean face, a Korean body, a Korean face, and a Korean voice, but on the inside, you are all the things people think of my countrymen. Manipulative, nosy, obnoxious, lying, scheming, vicious, disrespectful, and overly proud. Am I wrong? I may be the one people look at and see those things, but on the inside, you are the one who is really American."

It's not supposed to feel that good to curse your own country. But I had to admit, after living in another country for over a year, you start to realize that your own home isn't exactly perfect, and the vast majority of the world doesn't exactly look on you favorably. And I'd started to notice those things even before I'd left Wisconsin.

I grit my teeth and kept walking, leaving Lily behind. I hoped, truly, that she was able to find a way in life. Her desire for revenge was a waste of talent. Maybe, in some other company, she'd be able to force her way to the top in a more honest way, and succeed in life. Now that, I hoped, she'd learned that hatred doesn't make you better than the person you hate.

We'd both learned that lesson.