While my friends got deeper and deeper into their college lives, I was headed for my exhibition. Day one-- group acting performance. So it begins. 

The "group acting performance" was really just one big play, with everyone who signed up for acting in it. I had a really funny, but romantic scene. It was really cute, actually. 

We'd been preparing for it for the past several months. Day after day, practice after practice. There was never enough time. We'd been given lots of time to practice, yet the time came before we knew it.

Let's just say that the entire company was in a state of chaos. The set took up the stage, girls were running around in dresses, and boys practiced back-hugs. Lights checks, sound checks, script checks, checks (just in case).

I was nervous, really. I'd never acted in anything that was actually staked on something. In this one, the stakes were high. If i didn't do well, I could end up going home. It sounds like some kind of talent show. I guess it was, now that I think about it. Go big or go home. And I wasn't going home. I couldn't.

All around me was the trill of excited girls-- lipsticked, made-up, costumed, beautiful girls.

And then there was me. 

I looked at myself in the mirror, wondering if I was ready for this. My hair was pulled out of my face, I was wearing a fashionable ensemble that Sunny had picked out for me, my makeup was done, and I was wearing contacts instead of glasses. I guess I was pretty. Prettier than usual, at least.

Calm the heartbeat. One, two, three, that's right. I thought. Acting was one of my great graces. I could do it. I didn't have to be worried. I could do it, no problems. Maybe the song would be difficult, but this wasn't even a challenge.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lily chatting with some of the other girls. She was very pretty. Even with her hair dyed blonde, she was a very pretty Korean girl to the eye. This exhibition was our competition together. there was one thing that Lily was right about-- because she had stolen my material, only one of us could stay at this company.

Let round one begin.

I sipped tea as i watched from backstage, careful to make sure the performance was going well. That was the thing about plays-- you could do the best you've ever done, but if the overall performance crashes and burns, no one will even care. 

SoHee and Lily's scene. It was a lunch date with a bunch of girls, talking about their friend (played by myself) who was head-over-heels for some guy. The waiter was supposed to come in, and then trip over the table cloth, landing in SoHee's lap. The full concept of the play was love that comes unexpectedly. 

The lines were going smoothly. Everyone was doing well. Not 100% perfect, but you take what you can get. the audience was still enjoying it.

Suddenly I realized that the seats weren't right. Lily was in the chair that SoHee was supposed to occupy. If the boy playing the waiter didn't notice it, the entire scene would be ruined.

My fists were clenched so tightly as I watched that I feltalittle trickle of blood run from where my fingernails sliced into the soft flesh of my palms.

The waited came in, carrying the tray. The tablecloth was placed in just the normal spot, and, exactly like he had in practice, he dramatically tripped over it, flung the tray he'd been carrying into the air, and fell, down, down, down...

Right into Lily's lap.

The lines after that action were all wrong, now. I had to do something. But what could I do?

"Omo, what kind of a waiter ARE you?!"  Lily screamed.

I froze. That was SoHee's line.

SoHee, in shock at what was going on, opened and closed it, trying to figure out what to say. The other girls looked confused, too. This was so wrong...Whose line was it?!

I felt bad for the boy who played the waiter, because, technically, he’d done everything right. They just had to fix it, somehow. If SoHee would just get the chance to say one of her lines, they could go back into the flow of the play. Or Lily could pretend that he hurt SoHee, and their romance could begin… just SOMETHING to get this show back on track!

“I’m so sorry, Miss… it’s my first day working here, and I didn’t…” he stood up, realizing all at once that he’d landed in the wrong lap. He looked confusedly at SoHee, obviously trying to think of what to do.

“GO get my order,” Lily ordered. That was ALSO SoHee’s line.

The poor girl looked like she had no idea what to do. What was Lily doing?! I could already see the audience getting uncomfortable in their seats as they noticed that the actors and actresses were beginning to panic. All Lily had to do was to say something that would put the play back in the proper direction, and we could recover with minimal damage. But she kept saying SoHee’s lines! She was making it WORSE!

I couldn’t just stand there and watch. I had to do something, and fast. It was one thing for Lily to destroy MY performance, but SoHee had nothing to do with it.

I jolted out of my seat, quickly pulling on a waitress costume over my clothes, then racing out onto stage.

It was even worse than it had looked from the television. SoHee’s face was blatantly lost, searching for what to do.

“Min Ki!” I yelled, holding a tray in my hands, “What is the manager going to say?! Pick this up, quickly, before I get in trouble!” The confusion in the boy’s face was just what I needed. Especially when I saw the start of realization in his eyes. “And apologize to the young lady here!” I shouted, pointing to SoHee.”

“B-but, she’s not the one I…” he began to argue, and I quickly interrupted him.

“Look at the mess you made all over her! Apologize right now! Chincha, you’re making our restaurant look HORRIBLE!”

I looked straight at SoHee, desperately thinking “come on, SoHee, you have to notice. Figure it out. Play along. That’s the only way you can get out of this.”

SoHee looked at me, then down at her shirt. “O-oh, yes, I didn’t even notice that most of it splattered on me, I was so distracted by the waiter landing in my friend’s lap!”

The audience laughed.

I breathed a sigh of relief. And improvisation saves the day again.

I began to pick up the plastic food that had flown everywhere, while the actor of the waiter went to SoHee and bowed straight to the ground, apologizing in the most adorable way.

I exited stage as quietly as I could, fully aware of Lily’s dirty look.

When SoHee came back into the dressing room at the end of her scene, she ran over to me and squeezed me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. “Minsung, you are the BEST! How did you think of that?!” She looked ready to cry.

“I can’t do that every time you guys can’t improvise, though. I don’t know exactly what happened, but next time you have to make something up right away. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to work. I once did an entire improvised conversation just because my co-star couldn’t remember his lines. Just as long as we got off the stage, it was okay. So don’t worry about it. It happens,” I tried to cheer her up, smiling.

“Yeah, that’s Choi Minsung. Always trying to get her nose into other people’s problems. Just can’t leave well enough alone, can you?” Lily crooned. Nursing her pride, no doubt. “Always trying to steal the show. I’ve never met someone so greedy.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but was cut off by SoHee. “Hey, Lily, she was just trying to help. I would never have been able to recover if it weren’t for her. Why do you have to be so cruel? Besides, it never would have happened in the first place if you hadn’t sat in the wrong chair. What was wrong with you?”

Everyone’s eyes went to Lily. I looked away, not wanting to make it about myself.

“What was wrong with you? Can’t do anything by yourself, can you?”

I desperately wanted to hear more of the argument, and wanted to help SoHee, but I couldn’t. I’d just heard my cue to be ready. My scene was coming up soon. So I got up and left the room, my ears still tuned to the girls arguing behind me.

“Yes, I speak Korean!” My character declared loudly, as if insulted. “Do I have to be ignorant just because I’m a foreigner?!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know!”

“You think all foreigners are loud, obnoxious, and don’t care about anything, do you?! Well, let me tell you, I absolutely NEVER yell! EVER!”

The audience laughed. I was getting in my acting groove, I could tell. My mind was starting to focus on the task at hand, and not worrying about what was going on.

There was just one problem with the scene. After I have this big argument with this guy, we start talking about our social problems, and we get interrupted by one of my friends. The one played by Lily.

Surprisingly enough, the girl had been a complete angel in practice, if nowhere else. She'd never messed up, and I'd actually slightly admired her for her acting abilities. Although it pained me, I could even pretend to be her friend.

"Jane-ah, why are you talking to my Oppa that way?"

"Your oppa?" I asked. "What do you mean by 'Oppa'? You're not dating this guy, are you?!" 

"My Oppa! My Oppa! My older brother Oppa!" she cried, pointing back and forth between herself and the boy.

I jumped off the bench, shocked. "I didn't know you had an older brother!"

"Well, you know now. You weren't flirting with him, were you? Especially with your shirt front so open..."

Huh? What was she talking about? That wasn't in the lines... I looked down at my chest, realizing that the front of my shirt was ripped in several places, revealing the white bra underneath. I heard people in the audience whisper, then giggle.

When did this happen?! I thought. I'd been in such a rush to put on my costume that I hadn't even noticed that there was something wrong with it. I pulled the jacket around myself, buttoning it so the shirt was hidden.

"Omona... I'm so... I can't... this is so..." What should I do?! "Have you been staring at my chest this entire time?!" I screeched in English, then, when he looked confused, said it again in Korean. He couldn't help but look down, and when he did, I slapped him across the face. 

Breath of relief. I was supposed to slap him and storm off, just for a different reason. Either way, this worked. I stomped off-stage, holding my arms around myself tightly as if my jacket was going to suddenly come open and reveal the deep curve of my chest. 

The play was finally over. From an actress's standpoint, it was a disaster. Almost none of the scenes had gone right, and every single one had to be improvised somewhat. I didn't know what was going on, but I had the distinct feeling that the show had been sabotaged. So irritating. 

I was exhausted by the time the audience left for an hour break between the play and the group performances, which shared the first day of the exhibition. I wasn't sure I even wanted to stay for the group performances. I just really wanted to go home and sleep. I had absolutely no energy left. 

Still, we had to wait for notes.

The cast all sat nervously as the directors and managers came out, knowing that the show had gone terribly wrong and wondering what they were going to say. The whole idea of teamwork had gone completely through the window, and people had missed cues because they were too busy arguing with each other. 

It was no surprise that the director looked like he was going to have an epileptic seizure as soon as he came through the door.

"What happened today?! How many missed cues? TEN! How many hesitated lines? I lost count! Clearly NONE of you are cut out for acting!"

I raised my hand, beginning, as respectfully as I could, "Director, this isn't an excuse, but, that was because we were having teamwork problems..."

"Choi Minsung, I am disappointed in you! Do you think that just because you are such a good actress, you can barge into scenes? Do you have any idea how confused everyone looked? Nothing went right. Take my advice and stay in your own scenes."

I was ready to cry, but it in. I stayed silent throughout the rest of the criticism, unable to bear it all. When all was finally said and done, somehow it was all my fault. Apparently Lily's performance was just stellar, and she'd done a fantastic job of covering for everyone's lines. No mention of the fact that it was her fault in the first place.

 I left the auditorium, leaning against the wall, taking deep breaths. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, but I fought them down with repeated gasps, refusing to re-enter the auditorium until I had gotten control of myself. 

This was not at ALL what I had expected. It's acting, I had thought. Piece of cake, I had thought. Nothing will go wrong, I had thought. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. This exhibition determined everything that mattered at all to me, and round one was over, and I had lost. Lost. LOST.

What was going to happen next?

I went back into the auditorium, sitting down next to SoHee, who was still crying. She was a very likeable girl, but wasn't as apt to try to force back her tears as I was. I don't think that's a bad thing, though. Sometimes it takes strength to cry. 

I, on the other hand, focused on the performances. I watched as intensely as possible, not taking my eyes off of every movement, every change of expression. I wasn't up there, but I could learn from it. 

A trio's ballad, slow and sweet. A co-ed dance group of five members, performing a mash-up of SHINee and f(x) songs. Great singing voices on the first. The girl in the front was obviously in charge, though. She sang and the others followed. For good reason, though. She had a magnificent voice. After all, this was SM. great dance on the second. Nice job working the vocals together while dancing. I had to admit, they could easily hold their own with the debuted idols. Maybe not Super Junior, but quite a few of our competitors.

Third group. Group seven, when we'd done the initial testing. Nine female members. Song of choice: SNSD's Genie. Remix.

Upbeat and fun. Lily as Taeyeon. Voice: flawless. Cooperation: deceptive. Teamwork: following the leader. Appearance to audience: perfect. Appearance to Melissa: Total Annihilation.

After this, I had exactly one more chance to beat her. Everything rode on it.

I looked around the practice room, the smell of the doughnuts in my hands filling up the room. I missed the doughnuts of the bakeries in my hometown-- custard-filled, or jelly-filled, always with my favorites, black raspberry and lemon. It was harder to feel the full indulgence in sugar with these ones.

I leaned against the wall, taking another bite, getting powdered sugar all over my face and not bothering to wipe it off. 

The door to the room opened, and someone flicked the lights on, practically blinding me. "Knew you'd be in here. You need to stop haunting our practice room. You look like a ghost."

I wiped the powedered sugar off of my face and frowned. "I can't help it, Henry. It just helps me relax. And I really needed to relax. Dougnut?"

"Custard-filled?"

"I wish. No, I couldn't find any of the really good ones. You'll have to make do with the chocolate sprinkles."

Henry took the doughnut from me and slid down the wall to sit next to me, cramming it in his mouth. "You know, it's not good for you to stress eat."

"Says you! I'm not the one who shoved an entire doughnut into my mouth!"

He froze, his cheeks still puffed from their contents. I almost laughed. Typical Henry.

"Finish chewing, stupid chipmunk, before you choke," I scolded, patting him on the back while he coughed. 

"You do, though, don't you?" Henry questioned as soon as his oral cavity was cleared, "binge when you're stressed or depressed, I mean."

I looked down at the doughnuts. I'd only bought four, but usually only ate one or two at a time. Yet I'd been plenty ready to eat all four of them had Henry not come in. "Yeah, I guess I do. Whatever. I'll just get fat. lily will just be ALL over that. I'll be out of this company in a heartbeat." I took another bite of the doughnut, glaring down at it as if it was the reason for my current predicament. "I give myself two days. Maybe if I blow up like a balloon, I can save myself the embarassment of being a complete failure at the one thing I was absolutely certain I would never fail at."

I crumpled the doughnut bag, throwing it at the garbage can, and of course missing. I tried to convince myself that I didn't care, but as always, I did. This was, after all, a Super Junior space. It was practically ground into my nature by then that I had to keep it absolutely clean. I'd pick it up when I went out the door.

"Hey, are you saying it's impossible to be at this company if you're fat?!"

I scowled. "No, I guess not. That would be an insult to Shindong-oppa, and I would never want to say that. No, it's not. I don't know. Maybe I'm getting overwhelmed by all of these expectations of me. Be skinny. Be pretty. I have to be smarter, more clever, more creative, more hard-working than everyone else in this company. That's what it feels like. All of this pressure, and no one even actually says it. It just looms over you like a raincloud. It never has to be said, but you know it's there. And this whole thing with Lily... I have to fight even harder against it. Every single day is a reminder. Stronger, faster, better, prettier, more clever, more creative. Or else it's all over. I hate it."

"You don't have to be those things."

"I know. I don't know... every time I feel confident, something happens that destroys everything. Yet if I don't have any confidence, then what do I look like onstage? I don't know. I don't know why I'm even telling you these things, Henry. It doesn't matter."

"It ALWAYS matters, Mel! What's going to happen to FASE if you leave? We started hanging out because of you. You're like our mascot..."

"That's not... what I mean. No matter what, I have to sing for the exhibition tomorrow. No matter what, it'll be my last chance to win against Lily. No matter what, I have to put everything I can into it. It doesn't really matter how I feel about it. It has to happen."

I stood up, looking down at him. "I feel better, though. I can always count on Henry to make me feel better about myself."

His face looked questioning. "But I didn't even do anything..."

"Well, every time I see that face..." I replied, my lips twitching, "it makes me feel better about myself." I quickly grabbed the bag, threw it into the trash can, and ran out the door, before I could hear the "HEY!" yelled from behind me.

I took special care as I walked towards the doors, through the building, to look around and memorize every aspect of what I saw. The posters in the hallways, the writing on the walls, the wooden floors and white ceilings, and the specific angle of the stairs that descended towards the lobby. I never wanted to forget a single part of it, just in case. I'd only been there a little over a year, yet I knew it was a part of my life that I would consider the greatest adventure I'd ever had.

If I had to leave, then--

My thought was interrupted by the voice of the girl I hadn't even noticed had walked past, so absorbed in my thoughts as I was. 

"So the great actress Bee Puke is actually just a failure who is too absorbed in herself to care about everyone else. This is strike two, you know? One more and you're out. Better start packing your bags."

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes and letting my thoughts click into place. 

I didn't say anything, just continued walking. As usual, talking back to her would just leave her feeling satisfied. That was the last thing I wanted.

I swung my legs back and forth, forcing myself higher and higher into the air on the swing. When I was at the very peak of my swing, I could just see over the wall that separated the little park from the SM building. 

Strike two. Last chance. Final try.

So what? If I worried about it too much, it was guaranteed to fail. 

If I was forced to leave and never return, I was at least going to go out with a bang.